LM 109

“What?”

His heart pounded too strongly in his chest. Calling off the engagement. The words he had waited for and desired so much came from the other man’s lips. He wasn’t asking because he had misheard. It was due to shock.

“So…

“Why?”

Kwon Siyul was truly fine. He didn’t want to tear down the wall he had painstakingly built after their final farewell. If that wall crumbled, he would be the one getting hurt. He also disliked repeating the cycle of hope and disappointment. It had been a painful experience for him from the start.

“You don’t…have to call it off. Not anymore.”

He meant it sincerely. His feelings for Woo Hyunse were something he could keep to himself. Occasionally hearing news of Woo Hyunse as if by chance, and secretly rejoicing–that was the line he should stay behind.

“No. I will.”

“…”

“And then I’ll come back to you.”

The spoon stirring the soup stopped abruptly. Don’t be fooled. Don’t believe it. He would be the one hurt again if he did.

“Still…if you say you’re getting married again later…”

He didn’t think he could endure going through the same thing twice. How hard had he struggled to live after leaving Woo Hyunse’s house? Erasing, ignoring, avoiding the name, scent, and presence that kept coming to mind. Yet still being captivated, wishing to meet even in dreams.

If Woo Hyunse abandoned him one more time, his already insignificant sense of self-worth might plummet to the ground, becoming less than dust trampled by others.

Then he would truly want to die. He would want to disappear completely, without a shred of attachment to life.

His eyes felt hot. He had cried so much at dawn and didn’t want to shed anymore tears. If he cried here, he’d definitely be labeled a crybaby for sure. He held back, stuffing his mouth with the now-cooled soup.

“That won’t happen.”

The answer was firm. Kwon Siyul swallowed the food in his mouth and looked up blankly. The whites of Woo Hyunse’s eyes, without a speck of impurity, were slightly reddened. They seemed moist, but no tears fell out of them.

“How can you be sure?”

“Because you’re the only person I want to marry, Kwon Siyul-ssi.”

He said it calmly, bringing a cup of water to his lips. Just like when he once asked, “Shall we sleep together?” by the river.

“I’ll wait until you accept me. Thanks to someone, I’m good at waiting now.”

That voice, those sentences, instantly crumbled the wall Kwon Siyul had worked hard to build around himself. It had been a wall full of gaps and cracks from the start. A precarious wall that would fall at the slightest touch, and Woo Hyunse broke through it all too easily.

You crumble me completely, rebuild me, and with just a gesture, crumble me again…

Kwon Siyul lowered his head deeply. His expression was surely contorted beyond his control. He felt like he might either burst into tears or laughter in the next moment. Kwon Siyul had no idea what name to give to this emotion surging through him right then.

Was it anger?

No, he soon realized. It was euphoria. His cheeks and forehead were hot, and his ears felt like they might burn off. He spread his hands wide, covering his face as much as possible.

“You’re really too much, hyung.”

All he could do was complain with a mix of resentment in his voice. Woo Hyunse was truly an expert at lifting him to great heights, dropping him to the ground, and lifting him again.

How could he be so foolish?

Even after all that, he had learned nothing. In front of Woo Hyunse, the standards and resolutions he had set crumbled like hastily stacked straw bales. The threats he had heard were frightening, the wounds he had received were painful, and the mental anguish he had endured was still vivid in his mind and heart.

Yet he still loved Woo Hyunse. There was nothing better, no matter how hard he looked. In his insignificant life where he had wanted nothing in particular to either have or do, this was the thing he desired most.

“I know.”

Woo Hyunse gently grasped Kwon Siyul’s hands and pulled them away from his face. Through the gap, the other was smiling mischievously like a boy. It was an utterly shameless smile.

Then, as of now, Kwon Siyul fell for it completely. He was a person who couldn’t help but fall for it.

Leaving the restaurant, Kwon Siyul stared blankly at Woo Hyunse’s back. In fact, after breakfast, Kwon Siyul had planned to say goodbye to Woo Hyunse again.

“…”

That had been his resolve until coming here. But now his thoughts had completely reversed themselves. Living without seeing this person for the rest of his life seemed too cruel. Hadn’t misfortune already swallowed much of his life since birth? He wanted to keep Woo Hyunse as his good fortune.

To do that, he needed to be confident in front of Woo Hyunse. Having made his decision, Kwon Siyul took out an envelope he had secretly brought. He said he had shoved it in a corner and hadn’t looked at it since that day.

“Hyung. I’ll return this to you.”

As he handed over the envelope, Woo Hyunse looked at it quizzically. After opening it, his expression immediately hardened.

“What’s this?”

“That…someone who doesn’t look like you gave it to me. But I don’t want to accept it.”

The fierce threat to devastate every place and person he might meet still frightened him. But he gathered his courage. The reality of not being able to see Woo Hyunse was more terrifying than the threat of ruining his life. Difficult things might happen in the future, but he felt like he was dying right now, so he’d think about that after surviving.

“It was given to me to keep me from seeing you…but I absolutely can’t do that.”

The face looking down at the envelope froze grimly. Kwon Siyul flinched too. The body scent that brushed his skin was sharp as a spear tip. Though not visible to the naked eye, it seemed as if a dark haze was rippling over Woo Hyunse’s shoulders.

The overpowering scent made his head spin and his stomach turn. Sour liquid rose in his throat, and Kwon Siyul covered his mouth with an “ugh.” When he barely managed to call out “hyung,” the shattered-like scent finally eased up a bit. But it hadn’t completely dissipated. As if it were something difficult to hide, it still bristled sharply now and then.

The envelope in Woo Hyunse’s hand crumpled in an instant. He exhaled a long breath as if expelling cigarette smoke, running his fingers through his hair.

“When?”

“A few days ago.”

Lost in thought for a moment, Woo Hyunse suddenly seemed to realize something and turned sharply to Kwon Siyul. Then he grabbed both shoulders and scrutinized him from face to body. Startled by the sudden intensity of the other man’s gaze, Kwon Siyul looked at him bewilderedly. This time, Woo Hyunse grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it up.

Even in a deserted alley, you never know when someone might pass by. Kwon Siyul tried hurriedly to pull it down, but Woo Hyunse’s hand gripping the rolled-up shirt was firm. His gaze was directed at the abdomen where the bruises hadn’t fully faded yet. There was a grinding sound of teeth. The muscles under his jaw stood out as it clenched tightly.

Above all, the fierce scent that had been barely suppressed rose again as if to soak everything around it. Kwon Siyul’s face turned as pale as a sheet of paper. Only after he grabbed Woo Hyunse’s hand, his cheeks puffing out as if about to vomit, did the intensity subside.

“W-Where were you hit?”

The end of his voice seemed to tremble finely, or was that an illusion? Kwon Siyul hesitated whether to reveal it. As Kwon Siyul bit his bottom lip and hesitated, Woo Hyunse silently urged him on. Feeling like the careful scrutiny would uncover everything no matter how he tried to hide it, Kwon Siyul reluctantly opened his mouth.

“My face and stomach…”

He traced over those areas with his hand. The memory of that time made him squeeze his eyes shut. At the time, he had been scared and angry, but now, with more time having gone by, it was okay. It was all in the past. The bleeding wounds had scabbed over, fallen off, and new skin had grown. Only faint bruises remained.

“It doesn’t hurt at all now. Don’t worry.”

He added that to reassure, but Woo Hyunse’s expression only darkened further. Kwon Siyul tilted his head to meet Woo Hyunse’s eyes and smiled brightly.

“Really, it’s okay…”

Before he could finish speaking, Woo Hyunse hugged him tightly. His cheek was pressed against the firm chest. With one arm around Kwon Siyul’s waist and the other hand cradling the back of his head, he pulled Kwon Siyul into his embrace. The hug was so tight that it nearly took his breath away.

“I’m sorry.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

He had raised his hands to push away, but hesitated at the soft voice whispering next to his ear.

Kwon Siyul changed the course of his hands and slowly embraced Woo Hyunse’s waist. He still couldn’t breathe well, but he didn’t want to miss the steady heartbeat drumming against his ear. In the gentle scent that seemed to be able to even block the cool wind, in the body heat that warmed him, Kwon Siyul wanted to stay there for a long time. For a very long time to come.

* * *

In Seohee sat calmly in a café chair. It was quite far from the company. Her ‘fiancé,’ who usually communicated via text if there was something to discuss, or even left it to the wedding planner if that was too bothersome, had called her out saying he had something urgent to talk about.

When she said to just text, he insisted it was important and he needed to say it face-to-face. She strongly objected to his offer to come near her workplace and set the appointment as far away as possible.