INM 3 Part 7

Kasim made a somewhat complicated face at my words. But he soon nodded in agreement and politely finished the rest of his coffee. Ethan, who had been watching, gave me a look.

Maybe these two really do get along.

I thought as I awkwardly met his gaze and noticed that the air, though still bright with daylight, was beginning to show the signs of the end of the day. The leaves rustled above us, and a large bird the size of my forearm watched us from a sturdy branch that extended outward.

Remembering Ethan’s looks at me, I sighed at the sky. He must have noticed Kasim’s strange behavior as well. While I continued to avoid the “What are we going to do?” look in his eyes, I understood that the young man walking half a step ahead needed someone to say something.

Even so, if it were my usual self, I would have waited for the other person to speak first. Everyone should take care of their own problems. That includes me. Holding onto that belief, I finally found peace and tranquility in my life.

If I hadn’t met Alan, I would probably still be clinging to that belief. It’s surprising to realize that the willingness to reach out to someone without being asked still existed within me.

An ivory bird crossed my path. With this sudden sight, I finally made up my mind and spoke.

“Hey, Kasim. Will you stay with me for a while?”

The young man seemed surprised by my request. He stared at me for two or three seconds before nodding hesitantly, “I don’t mind, but…”

I nodded in response and led him to a grassy area slightly off the path. It would be easier to talk here than to return to the café. When I sat down on the grass, the young man quickly followed and sat down beside me with a flexible movement that indicated his joint agility. He watched me quietly, trying to figure out what this was all about, while I calmly met his gaze. 

“Hey, let’s talk for a bit.”

“Talk? About what?” 

“About Alan.” 

With that, I lay down on the grass. The soft grass pricked my skin, and the sunlight flickered through the swaying leaves, pleasantly stimulating me. Just by lying down, the world I saw changed completely. The people and the university campus disappeared, replaced by an endless expanse of blue sky and leaves. 

Kasim, looking down at me with a modest smile, spoke. 

“Shall we talk about what we heard today?” 

“No. I’m going to tell you about Alan. I’ll be your fourth interviewee.” 

Kasim raised his eyebrows in suspicion at the suggestion. His blue eyes, which had been looking down at me, dropped to the ground in confusion. His soft, dark brown curls caught the sunlight, the tips shimmering with a greenish-yellow lime hue. 

“What caused this change of heart? You didn’t seem to want to talk about Alan before”. 

“Oh? I thought someone who barged into my office demanding cooperation would jump at the chance.”

Smiling somewhat sheepishly at my words, the young man lay down beside me. He placed his large, thick palms on the ground and gently lowered his body in a smooth motion that seemed to respect not only the grass, but even the microorganisms.

“I’ve been wondering for a while. Did you grow up in a good household?”

My comment seemed to slightly offend Kasim. A complex, moaning sound came from beside me.

“Why do you think that?”

“Well, mostly the way you talk and move.”

As I explained, I remembered the day I first realized I was different from my friends in a negative way. The image of twelve-year-old Brian in the fall classroom, bathed in the setting sun, flashed through my mind. Remembering the days when I struggled to accept people’s “normal”, I closed my eyes without thinking.

“And then there are your clothes. The quality and balance of the fabric is good. It’s neither too expensive for your means nor a cheap material with only a good design. The balance between price and quality is too perfect, so it feels a bit out of place for a student, to put it bluntly”.

The young man was silent. Maybe he considered my “advice” and thought about buying a cheap T-shirt at the supermarket. The direction was completely opposite, but I understood the feeling well. 

“Just so there’s no misunderstanding…” he said, lifting his body slightly to look into my eyes, “My family is not particularly wealthy. I grew up without any hardships, but we’re just an ordinary family.” 

Then, reluctantly, he added in a low voice.

“It’s just that since both my parents are educators, people sometimes ask about our family background.” 

“Educators? Like school teachers?” 

“Something like that. It seems that our family has been in this business for generations. Since my great-grandfather’s time, when he ended up in Australia, they’ve also been bridging the cultural gap for our compatriots living here.” 

“I see.” 

I nodded with a sigh of admiration. The feeling of envy and a faint sense of inferiority that I thought I had overcome long ago stirred within me. This young man was also a child who had received the necessary education and culture at home.

He is perfect. 

Alan’s voice, talking about Kasim, echoed in my head again.

He was like a person wrapped in light. Shining… 

I blinked and felt like I understood the brilliance Alan had felt. 

“People like me and Alan are quite touched by someone like you.” 

“Ethan said something similar, but to me neither you nor Ethan seem to be the same type as Alan.” 

“Well, it’s almost impossible to know every aspect of a person. In Alan’s and my case, our family environments are somewhat similar.” 

At my casual remark, Kasim jumped up like a spring and turned to look at me. His eyes were wide with shock, his face pale. 

“So you noticed. Who was it that hurt Alan?” 

“I wasn’t sure…” the young man’s voice cracked coldly. “Did Alan tell you something? Er, Alan…” 

He struggled to continue, hesitating for a long time before finally speaking. 

“Was he abused by his family?” 

I lowered my eyes, remembering the stories Alan had told me about his father. Burning books, trashing his room, and daily verbal abuse that trampled on his personality. 

As calmly as I could, I replied. 

“I never heard of any violence, but he often talked about his father. They weren’t good stories.” 

“I see…” 

The young man muttered, covering his face with both hands. 

“The scars were clearly old, but because he seemed like such a normal high school student, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that my suspicions were correct. Even his parents, who spoke at the funeral, seemed like decent, proper adults.” 

“No way, you attended the funeral to confirm what Alan’s parents looked like?” 

“I couldn’t tell them anything.” 

The young man bowed his head. I was shocked to see how deeply he was hurt and struggling because of Alan. In the adult world, it’s common knowledge that parents are not perfect. Stories of abuse abound in both fiction and nonfiction, and many adults who live seemingly normal lives carry the trauma of their childhood homes. 

So I couldn’t share the pain with Alan. Even when I heard him complain about his father, or when I guessed who had abused him, I could only feel anger at the unpleasantness of the story. 

“That’s nice.” 

Unexpectedly, my words slipped out, causing Kasim to frown in confusion as he looked at me. Hastily, I continued. 

“No, I mean it must have really made him happy. That you reached out to him. I finally understand that. Thank you. For talking to him back then.” 

Not sure if it was my words or Alan’s feelings I was conveying, I thanked him. The stubborn lion furrowed his thick eyebrows. 

“I only did what anyone would do. If there were a hundred people, a hundred would do the same thing. It’s wrong to be thanked for something like that.” 

“Still as stubborn as ever, huh?” 

I sighed and threw my hands in the air. From the first time I met him, I felt there was a significant difference between the person Alan described and the impression I had of the young man in front of me. Alan had said that Kasim was cheerful and gentle, but to my eyes he always seemed on edge, prone to rash actions, and dangerously close to losing his “cheerful” facade. Was this precariousness triggered by the death of his classmate? 

To confirm, I brought up the story of the first time I met Kasim. 

“Hey, Kasim. You’re feeling misplaced guilt over Alan’s death, aren’t you?” 

The young man’s already somewhat stiff face froze into an utterly expressionless mask. His bright blue eyes darkened, shadowed by a cold, emotionless light. 

“Is this guilt really misplaced?” 

“Kasim.” 

“No one in high school realized that Alan might be suffering from abuse. Neither Viktor, Chloe, Ethan, nor his friends at the university knew anything. Only I did. I was given clues to “notice” his situation.”

Even I couldn’t bring myself to say the clichéd words, “It’s not your fault.” in this situation. I just looked at his frozen expression in silence. 

“If I had fulfilled the role I was given, wouldn’t he still be alive? Luke, you…” 

Kasim’s words trailed off. 

Why didn’t Alan tell me about the violence he suffered? I felt I knew the answer. When violence becomes commonplace, it ceases to be something special worth telling others about. At least that’s how it was for me. 

So why couldn’t he bear his father’s oppression any longer? It’s simple. He said it himself… because he fell in love with this young man in front of me. Alan had said, “Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t noticed that light”, but he met him anyway. That’s why, even though it was painful, he began to fight to regain himself. 

Picking up Kasim’s lost question, I spoke. 

“I don’t think Alan committed suicide.” 

That was my thought, deep in my heart, ever since the possibility of his suicide was hinted at. 

“I still honestly feel like you shouldn’t count on me for this, but Alan began to regain his emotions out of gratitude to a classmate who cared for his wounds. He began to fight to regain control of his life. You changed his life. If there’s a role given to people, I think you played your role in Alan’s life more perfectly than anyone else.” 

As I spoke, a strange feeling came over me. If Alan had never met Kasim, would I have ever met Alan? 

“As one of Alan’s friends, I want to thank God that you met him.” 

At that moment, Kasim threw himself at me. I quickly caught the young man, who seemed heavier than I was. This straightforwardness, believing without a doubt that he would be caught… I could be a little jealous. 

The sky above us was still a clear blue without a single cloud. Noticing a small commotion, I changed the angle of my neck and saw some students passing by on the campus path, glancing at the two of us. Hugging on the grass in plain sight must have been conspicuous. Smiling and waving, I wrapped my arm around Kasim’s back. He was slimmer than I had imagined, with lithe muscles as I had expected. Remembering Klaus’ hand comforting me at my grandmother’s funeral, I tightened my arm slightly. 

“I don’t want to say that I was a special person to him. But the voice in my head won’t stop. How could I turn a blind eye to such a kind classmate who was so wounded?” 

The young man clinging to me tightened his grip. 

“I thought it was okay. I kept telling myself that it was okay. I had almost stopped thinking about his wounds… Alan, I never thought you would die.” 

Each of his words pierced my heart as well. Surely Chloe, Viktor, Ethan and everyone around him were suffering the same way. Alan’s death couldn’t be the fault of anyone but the perpetrator, if there really was one. Kasim himself must know that. 

But people can torture themselves with the thought that there was something they could have done. 

After about five minutes of staring blankly at the sky, Kasim mumbled a small “sorry” and sat up. He took a small towel from his pocket and wiped his face. There were a few tear stains on my shirt, but that seemed to be the extent of the damage to me. Quite clever. 

“Were you also abused by your parents?” 

“Well, just a little. In my case, both physically and mentally, I’m still healthy without any scars”. 

“Why does such a thing happen?” 

Why, indeed. In the past, I didn’t even think the reason was with the abuser. 

“According to someone I respect, it’s to use up energy.” 

“Huh?” 

It must have been an unexpected response. His dark, melancholic voice rose to a high pitch for a moment. In his unguarded face as he turned to look at me, I saw Alan’s face looking back at me with the same expression. Come to think of it, I had told Alan the same story somewhere.

“By hitting or scolding someone, they become a little more lively. People who can’t take care of themselves, or who are distracted from their true desires, always lack spirit. So they try to take it from others. By directing anger at them, by arguing with them, by hitting them… Because their own energy is exhausted.”

Kasim’s sky-blue eyes, which had regained their clarity, deepened. Tormented by guilt, I added quietly. 

“I kind of understand, too. The feeling of draining energy from others.” 

From his thoughtful nod, I knew he wasn’t going to ask more. 

“Well, before you run out of gas and start bothering others, take care of yourself. If it wasn’t for a good-natured person like you catching me, I wouldn’t normally be the type to bother others.” 

“Is that what you tell yourself?” 

“Not that line again! I’m not listening to your lectures anymore.” 

I groaned, reflexively covering my ears. I looked at the young man and added. 

“Anyway. At least I don’t think Alan committed suicide.” 

“Got it… Thanks, Luke.” 

“Well, my opinion probably isn’t much consolation. But still, if you take it as the words of someone who met Alan on the day of the incident, it might be a little more convincing…” 

“Wait.” 

Kasim, lowering his gaze slightly, raised a hand to stop my words. He took a deep breath and leaned closer to me, lying down. 

“You met Alan the day of the incident?” 

“Oh, didn’t I mention that?” 

“You didn’t!” 

Kasim, back to his usual self, shouted. 

“What do you mean? Where did you meet him?” 

“Well, at a Thai restaurant for lunch…” 

Stumbling over my words with terrible grammar, the young man nodded. 

“Then let’s visit the Thai restaurant for the next investigation.” 

“You still want to continue the investigation?” 

When I turned around in surprise, the young man looked at me with genuine curiosity. 

“Of course. We still don’t know much about Alan, do we? By the way, we haven’t even finished talking about the letter yet, Luke. Please explain what’s going on.” 

“I see, I was right. It’s impossible to know every aspect of a person.” 

“What?” 

“I just wanted to complain to Alan that the story I heard was quite different.” 

Alan had always described Kasim as someone who was always composed, cheerful, popular with all the students, and a leader who listened to people with a gentle expression. 

Really, you shouldn’t take the words of someone blinded by admiration at face value.