INM 4 Part 7

“You had become incredibly attractive in the two or three years we hadn’t seen each other after I graduated from university. The person I thought I needed to protect was no longer there. But I…”

Brian let his words trail off. His eyes wandered as if searching for the right words, and then he continued.

“Anyway, your concern was painfully overwhelming back then. I relied on you so much that I couldn’t think about tomorrow without you.”

“Brian…”

The memories of those hospital days I tried not to recall suddenly rushed back to me. Brian had never shared his suffering, fears, or any emotions with me. He just had empty eyes and kept thinking about something alone.

Unbelievable. Brian was trying to tell me his true feelings.

Trying not to show my surprise, I spoke up.

“Come to think of it, you refused to see anyone except me and your family.”

“My nerves were always on edge back then.”

Noticing that my voice had calmed, Brian’s voice also relaxed a bit.

“I even asked my family to limit their visits. Seeing anyone other than you was unbearable. People said it was a late rebellious phase or whatever, but they let me have my way.”

“I see.”

I muttered with a sigh and looked away from Brian. As I looked down, trying to put some distance between us, the man casually grabbed my hand again.

His honest confession began to change something inside of me, and in response to that change, a faint sense of discomfort slowly surfaced.

Until that moment, I thought I was hurt because Brian had rejected me so harshly. That was what I had told myself. But was it really true? There must have been another reason why I started to hate myself so much that I felt nauseous. 

Distracted by the rising questions, I froze at Brian’s next words.

“I’m different from back then. I want to prove that to you.”

I started to say “Stop it…” but changed my words at the last moment.

“There’s no need for that, really. Come to think of it, expecting you to be considerate when you were having a hard time was pretty selfish of me. I hope you can forget about it.”

“Don’t say it like that. I…”

“Alright, then let’s just forget about it! We were both young back then. It’s about time we could laugh about it, don’t you think?”

Brian, who had been staring at me as I babbled quickly, slowly averted his blue-gray gaze, still holding my hand, and leaned his broad back deeply into the sofa. He looked at the wall in front of him and spoke.

“Luke, no matter how positive you try to act, I know you want to run away from me, and I also know that you still have feelings for me and that my words still hurt you.”

Really, childhood friends can be so annoying.

Without noticing my heavily grimacing face, Brian continued.

“After you disappeared from my life, I traveled around the world without working for a while. It’s silly, but every time I saw something beautiful, I thought of you. I realized that if I didn’t take action to win you back, I would regret it forever. So no matter what you say, I’ll keep proving to you that I’m different from back then.”

Despite myself, my heart wavered. He remembered me whenever he saw something beautiful? Who could hear such words and feel nothing?

But even though I was happy with his words, my heart grew heavier for some reason. A black fog, different from anger or guilt, clung to me and grew thicker with every word Brian spoke.

After staring at the wall for a while, I slowly let out the breath I had been holding in.

“So you want to prove that you deserve me because you want me?”

Brian paused for a moment before nodding as saying “Yes”.

“I understand. Let’s go out, Brian.”

When Brian turned to me in surprise, I continued.

“So please stop thinking about proving the present you to me. I don’t want that.”

Brian, who had just listened in a daze, looked slightly dissatisfied with the last condition I presented.

“But Luke. Back then I was…”

“Hey, Brian. Do you want to go out with me because you like being with me? Or is it just guilt or obsession?”

“No.”

I continued as Brian immediately denied it.

“Then you don’t have to prove anything to me.”

I really am an expert at running away.

Brian groaned in dissatisfaction for a while, but finally sighed and nodded.

“All right. If you say so.”

“Yes… Thank you.”

“Don’t.”

With a soft voice and a smile, Brian looked back at the wall in front of him. I thought he was going to kiss me, so I followed his lead and leaned back against the sofa.

We became lovers on impulse, but I had no idea how to act after that. I had imagined being together as lovers countless times when I was in love with Brian, but imagining it and actually having him there were two different things.

While I was wondering if I should try leaning on his shoulder, Brian brought up an unexpected topic.

“Hey, Luke. You never finished the Bluebird, did you?”

“The bluebird? Are you talking about the elementary school craft project we mentioned earlier? I got bored and stopped after painting it…”

Do you know what happened to the bird you left unfinished and didn’t take home?

I never thought about it. It was probably thrown away.

“It is being used as a specimen for the bird project at the elementary school. My younger siblings told me.”

“No way!”

“Mr. Goto, the art teacher, praises it every year in front of the students. Although he grumbles about the sloppy gluing of the tree trunk on which the bird stands.”

“I was just a kid, and he is really strict!”

“Anyway, there were people who appreciated that bird, even if Miriam didn’t.”

I fell silent for a moment at Brian’s words.

As a conversation between lovers, it might lack a bit of romance. But it certainly struck a chord in my heart.

“I see. Thanks for telling me, Brian.”

I finally said, pressing my forehead roughly against his chest. With a natural movement, his long arms embraced me once more.

It’s not that I didn’t take the bird home because my mother didn’t recognize me. Being praised by her was the most unbearable thing. If I had taken the bird home with me, she would have praised me with a proud smile, completely forgetting that she had ever beaten me. 

Even if I tried to put that feeling into words, Brian probably wouldn’t understand.

It was a relief for me to know that someone remembered that time. The fact that it was none other than Brian made me both sad and happy.

Surely this love will end with me being trapped in the swamp again.

I pressed my forehead harder against Brian’s shoulder, trying to shake off the negative thoughts that were running through my head. For some reason, Brian found this amusing and let out a small laugh, hugging me even tighter. This somehow increased my anxiety and I stiffened in his arms. I desperately tried to convince myself of how perfect this scene was… a clean room, a perfectly organized room, a meal prepared for me, and Brian holding me.

The objective confirmation of this ideal scene brought me some relief. I hesitantly wrapped my arms around Brian’s back and squeezed his upper body.

After Brian responded firmly to my hug, he cupped my cheeks with both hands and gave me a slightly longer kiss.

I couldn’t fall asleep that night.

Even though I felt so sleepy during the day, my mind was fully awake after the eventful day and the excitement with Brian.

Alone in the wide bed, I tossed and turned, producing nothing but sighs.

As a child, sleepless nights seemed to last forever.

Now, as I let my mind drift aimlessly, the hours flew by, leaving me behind. 

Still, it seemed that I had fallen into a light sleep. A twilight sleep that never completely turned into darkness, like a white night. In this in-between state, I was brushed by fragments of dreams and quickly pulled back into the real world.

About thirty minutes to an hour of actual sleep. Tomorrow… today I must make time for a nap.

Half asleep I planned that and was once again caught in a whirlpool of thoughts. Voices I had received in the last few days. Voices rising from within me. To these voices, the automated voice in my head repeated the usual, predetermined words.

Eventually, Alan’s voice began to play in my head.

I said something in response to the familiar voice repeating, “It is a promise”. “Don’t listen to the words”, the automated voice repeated.

As I thought absentmindedly, “What a mess”. I suddenly realized something and jumped up on the king-size bed. Although I clearly hadn’t slept enough, my mind was fully awake and the fog of thoughts had completely cleared.

“No way… I can’t remember.”

I muttered to myself in a daze, sitting in the middle of the bed and began to rack my brain in desperation.

Until yesterday I could remember clearly, but now it felt as if that part of my memory had been eaten away by insects, deepening my confusion.

It should have been safely stored in my mind. His frightened face, his angry face, his desperate face, and those few precious smiles… whenever I talked about him, his image would replay vividly in the corner of my mind.

But now, for some reason, I couldn’t remember Alan’s face at all.