MM 78

At the sound of his alarm, Do-won opened his eyes. He fumbled around by his bedside for the remote and pulled the curtains open. The sky, still dim, gradually began to show through the gaps of the curtains.

As he watched the night grow longer, he realized that winter was near. The moment he realized this, a sigh escaped his lips.

Once the sky turned to a dull gray, white snow would fall next. It was a season that he found more unwelcome than ever. As the snow that would soon blanket the world settled, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of despair, thinking of the memories that would inevitably follow. His head throbbed with the discomfort.

It was a memory from long ago. His mother, who had been ill, passed away on a day when the snow fell heavily. She held his small hand tightly as she did so.

He vividly remembered how he had cried, unwilling to let go of the warmth of her hand as it faded, crying again and again. Young Do-won cried so hard he vomited, and the filthy vomit sprayed across the pristine white sheet covering his mother’s body. As new sheets were laid over her, Do-won was forcibly removed by the adults.

Throughout his mother’s funeral and on the way to the burial site, the snow fell relentlessly. Exhausted from crying for days, Do-won numbly followed the adults. The adults worried and murmured about him, wondering if he had lost his mind, but their voices only brushed past his ears like the falling snowflakes.

That memory. When his mother was laid to rest beneath the cold winter ground, and the snow also covered her grave. The snowflakes that clung to the car window and obscured his blurry view. Those unpleasant yet vivid memories.

Perhaps it was because of that stark image of white that had become frozen and etched in his mind. He had despised winter for as long as he could remember. Every time the cold began to creep into his body, he would shudder.

To try and cover those memories, he had once picked up a camera during the winter, hoping to capture a different kind of memory. However, he had only succeeded in taking a single photograph. It had taken so much effort to even get that shot, and it became the special postcard included in the photo book he had published at the time. But after it was released, he immediately regretted it, as he couldn’t form any real emotional attachment to that photo.

A single tree planted on a white snowfield. A picture on Han Yu-young’s desk.

‘…Why am I thinking about such useless things so early in the morning?’

Trying to shake off the thoughts quickly, Do-won silently took a shower. After his recent photo book, he had no intention of publishing another for the time being.

It was due to a severe slump. A slow and overwhelming sense of emptiness and boredom that, while invisible to others, was inescapable for him. That shadow had been looming over Do-won’s head for a long time, slowly gnawing at him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had reached his limit.

‘How can our Do-won take such good pictures? You should be a photographer. Could you take just one more picture for Mom?’

Every time he took pictures, his mother’s face, smiling like sunlight while patting his head, filled him with warmth. That’s when he had started using the camera.

‘Being in such a beautiful place with our Do-won, I feel like Mom is getting better.’

He had taken so many pictures of his mother smiling amidst the beautiful scenery. Knowing she would eventually leave his side, his mother had calmly prepared for it over the years, and he didn’t want to let go of her, even this way. He wanted to leave behind a thousand or ten thousand photos to remember her throughout the time she wouldn’t be there.

For Do-won, photography had become a means of preparing for his mother’s departure and a desperate need to immortalize the person who would leave his side forever.

The camera that he had held so tightly had become a natural part of his life, like a habit. As time passed, Do-won’s photos had been loved by many. The meaning that photography held for him had changed over the years, but sometimes, the feeling he had as a child—trying to hold onto his mother through photos—would come back to him vividly.

And then, a sense of existential doubt struck him. It was an emotion every creator would face at some point. Amidst the overwhelming emptiness, Do-won couldn’t find a reason to keep taking photos.

Of course, the recent photo book, like all the others, had received great praise from critics and fans alike. He had heard the most about how his eye for detail had matured and how his work reached the peak of refinement. But for the photographer himself, it felt like he had reached his limit. If he couldn’t find a purpose beyond the mere habit of taking photos, it was best to stop here.

He hadn’t officially informed the publisher of his decision, but it didn’t matter anyway. There were no further contracted works. The publishing house, which had worked with him for a long time, had been persistently suggesting exhibitions and signings, but since Do-won had firmly refused, they had not pressured him further. The same went for the new photo book.

‘I wonder if Han Yu-young… will be sad.’

As he dried off and put on his shirt, he thought about this. He let out a small, bitter laugh. Just thinking about the way Yu-young had bounced around excitedly, greeting the new photo book like a puppy, or how he had placed the photos on his desk and carefully dusted them every day.

Quietly, he left his room and began preparing breakfast. He decided to skip the usual juice he drank every day, fearing that the noise would wake Yu-young up. Instead, he prepared a simple breakfast of toast, eggs, and bacon. But even as he moved around busily, he couldn’t stop thinking about one person.

At first, he thought it was because he liked his photos, that was why his attention had turned to him. But now, he knew that wasn’t all there was to it. The warm, soft feeling that had settled inside him, centered around his photos, was now slowly expanding to other parts, beyond just the photos.

He needed to understand. What this feeling was, and why. Was it really the same feeling he had thought of before… so, then…

“Team leader, did you sleep well?”

“…Did you sleep well?”

A sleepy voice came from behind. Seeing that Yu-young had come out without even opening his eyes, Do-won couldn’t help but burst into laughter.

“Why are you preparing alone…? I should be the one making breakfast.”

“I’ll take care of it, so take your time and wash up.”

“Then… excuse me.”

Embarrassed by his messy appearance with his hair in disarray and not having washed up, he quickly lowered his head and hurried back to his room. Watching his retreating figure, Do-won didn’t even realize that the corners of his mouth had naturally lifted into a smile.

Now that he faced Yu-young, the conversation they had while drinking wine the night before came to mind. During that time, when he asked why Yu-young never thought about marriage, Han Yu-young had said he disliked Alphas. He hated their authoritative and dominant nature.

How much did he hate Alphas, to the point of refusing to marry even an Alpha like him? While that made sense to Do-won, a part of his chest felt bitter, and he couldn’t help it.

It felt like Yu-young was pushing him away with his small, white hands. Whatever feelings Yu-young was experiencing, he was telling him not to get any closer. Their contract was only going to go this far.

So, Do-won had to be careful. Since he had been the one to propose the contract, he had to be cautious and not let his feelings, which were gradually growing, be revealed.

It felt unfamiliar. The act of controlling and disciplining himself had been something he had always done as a part of life and had become an ingrained habit. It had never required much effort.

But strangely, starting a few days ago, or perhaps weeks ago, Do-won had found himself having to make an effort to control his own emotions. This was the first time he had felt this way, and naturally, it was a bit bewildering.

“…Ha.”

His brow furrowed involuntarily. The smile he had just had on his face faded back into its natural state. A phone call he had received the night before came to mind.

While he was drinking wine with Yu-young, a call from Lee Sun-hyung abruptly interrupted the moment, shattering it. As soon as the phone rang, Yu-young seemed to sense something and quickly cleared the table and stood up. Watching him rush into the bedroom, Do-won ran his hand through his hair. It was probably a relief that it wasn’t a call he could take in front of Yu-young.

As expected, Sun-hyung was agitated on the other end.

“How could you do this to me? You bastard!”

Sun-hyung was shouting, clearly in a fit of rage. While Do-won could understand his frustration and confusion, there was nothing more he could do.

“What do you want me to do? I told you in advance, I’m getting married.”

“That’s exactly the problem! How could you do this to me? How long have I been waiting for you?”

“Ha… Sun-hyung.”

A heavy sigh came from deep in his chest as Do-won covered the phone. He rubbed his eyes and spoke in a strained voice.

“Stop it. I’ve told you dozens, no, hundreds of times. I don’t see you as anything more than a friend. If you keep this up, it will only make things more uncomfortable between us.”

“…Choi Do-won, you really…?”

“I know it’s hard to accept. But I hope you can let it go now. I won’t ask you to congratulate me. Call me when you’ve sorted things out.”

He spoke coldly on purpose and ended the call. Saying harsh things and turning away wasn’t easy on his heart, so after hanging up, Do-won continued staring at the night view with a furrowed brow for a while.

Now, Sun-hyung should forget about him and start moving on.

As Sun-hyung had said, his feelings had been one-sided for a long time. No matter how much those feelings were full of longing and tenderness, they couldn’t be returned, so Do-won had always pushed him away. Even though he had never given Sun-hyung any hope, he still hadn’t been able to accept it.

When he agreed to the contract marriage with Yu-young, Do-won had made sure to inform Sun-hyung multiple times, and now, there was nothing more he could do. If he comforted him gently now, it would only make things more complicated. From now on, it was up to Sun-hyung to accept and endure it.

Still, how could he help Sun-hyung with his feelings, when his own heart didn’t even seem like his own? As that thought crossed his mind, he felt a bitter sadness, but he knew it was something that couldn’t be helped.

Just then, a completely different, refreshing voice came from behind.

“Team leader, I’m done washing up. I… I’ll do it now.”

“It’s all done. Sit down.”

Unlike Do-won, who only needed to take off his apron and put on his jacket to finish getting ready for work, Yu-young, who had just rushed over to help set the table, was still dressed in his casual clothes, just having washed up. His hair was tousled and his clothes were still his loungewear.

He had just washed up, so his face glowed with a soft radiance, almost like a child. His small hands busily carried food and set the table. Without realizing it, Do-won had been watching his movements, and it was only when Yu-young called him that he realized it.

“Team leader, is something wrong? Do I have something on my face?”

His wide eyes looked so innocent, they almost seemed childlike. Was this really the face of a 27-year-old man? Do-won, who had almost let out a deep sigh, swallowed it down and answered casually.

“No, it’s nothing. Sit down and eat. We need to hurry up and get ready.”

“Okay.”

Yu-young ran to the opposite side of the table and sat down, greeting him with a bright smile.

“Then, team leader, I’ll eat well!”

“Eat a lot.”