Chapter 46: Is It a Mistake?

Rodrick even thought that his father probably felt immense relief when Theobald was born. He wondered what that man felt when he first held the child who inherited his wife’s brown hair. What did that man feel when he saw the child grow up with a face that was unlike his own. And how worried he would’ve been if it was the child that was stung by the bee instead of his other child that he despised.

In truth, Rodrick knew the answers to those questions, but he pretended not to know.

His father loved his mother. It was obvious from how he never treated her harshly. So, it wasn’t hard to tell that he’d find Theobald, who resembled her a lot, to be adorable and endearing. Rodrick didn’t spend much time with his family, and didn’t remember much of what happened when he was with them, but he knew that his father would always return to the estate from the frontlines, without even visiting him in the Helder’s estate.

All to hear Theobald’s ‘Welcome home.’

Meanwhile, Rodrick’s ‘Welcome home’ didn’t reach anyone.

There was no one to deliver those words to, and at that point, he didn’t feel that he should even bother anymore.

His father had passed, and he had inherited the black-haired man’s place.

After his father died, Rodrick gave his full cooperation with the Royal Army as the new commander of the duke’s knights, and continued the military operations. The military education he received up to that point let him showcase his excellence. As the war went on, more and more comrades that he trained with, and those who had taught him how to fight, fell in battle.

But he couldn’t retreat, neither could he show any sign of weakness. He had to endure and push forward.

Over time, he became known as the cold-hearted duke, and he could see himself in that moniker. After all, beneath his armor, he never shed a single tear, not even once. In fact, he didn’t even remember the last time he had cried.

There was simply no point in crying. Because the only person who’d ever care for him was his mother.

After all, it was her who came for him when he was stung by that bee. It was also her who had often come to visit him at Count Helder’s mansion. She even sent him warm coats when he was out there fighting in the frontline. That was how much she cared for him.

And of course, he held the same feelings towards her.

He believed her when she told him that she’d ‘end everything’.

That was also why he didn’t try to stop her from doing what she was trying to do, even though he knew it was dangerous. Even though Theobald, Count Helder, the military advisors, and some of the senior officers of the Royal Army showed their reluctance.

Still, Rodrick didn’t stop her. It wasn’t because he thought that she’d succeed for sure, but rather because he simply wanted to believe in her.

And it was due to that she lost her life. Rodrick didn’t cry when that happened. But, he couldn’t forget the sensation he felt when he stood in that dark forest.

Instead of tears or blood, it was his life that seeped out of his body. Bloodless and tearless, only a monster would have that trait. And Rodrick, not crying blood nor tears at that moment, looking terribly pale as his life was seeping away from his body, looked more like a monster instead of a human.

He was the only one who could’ve prevented this tragedy from happening, but he chose to believe in her and let it happen instead. His commands and strategies gave birth to many casualties, including many of his old comrades. He loved his comrades, and he dearly loved his mother.

But, his cold-blooded judgment led them to their deaths.

Everyone was right, he was indeed a crazed warmonger.

It was his choice that made the people that he loved disappear one by one. His mother who loved him, his friends who had been training with him since his childhood, his seniors who taught him how to fight, his comrades who threw their lives away to save him.

‘Enough.’

‘If I were to love someone only to lose them later, it’d be better to not love anyone in the first place.’

He knew for sure that someday, he’d make another mistake. If that mistake would cost him another person that was dear to him, he figured that it’d be better for him to seal his heart away. He didn’t want anyone he loved to die again. Especially not when he couldn’t even bring their bodies home.

And so, he decided to stop making bonds with anyone—people whom he could depend on even in his nightmares. Because he knew, he would never be able to save them when they needed him to.

Soon, the war with Belmania would come to an end.

They had eliminated most of the Extremist Faction of Belmania, and in turn, the Moderate Faction came to power. The king’s younger brother, the leader of the Moderates, had recently been crowned as the new king, and together with his new government, he was doing his best to stop the war.

There was no need for him to stay around the border anymore. So, he went back with his knights, passing by Lustrand’s relief squad that were sent to help with the rebuilding effort in the border.

And finally, he was back in his estate.

But, the dead bodies of his comrades were still haunting him.

At times, he’d feel the presence of those who had fallen. Every time he fell asleep, the nightmare of him sleeping among the cold bodies of his comrades would be played over and over. In that nightmare, he found himself thinking, ‘Can I bring them home with me without hurting them?’

Such a nightmare kept repeating itself, and in there, he had no one to call for help.

…In fact, the first time he heard Urien calling ‘Marx’ over and over as he suffered through his nightmare, jealousy rose up in his chest.

Because Urien had Marx to call for help, while he didn’t have anyone. He had to face the nightmare where he couldn’t keep his composure even for a moment alone. It wasn’t a wonder that he was envious of Urien.

That was the first time Rodrick acquaintanced himself with loneliness. He could feel something that felt like thirst coming from his heart.

Once upon a time, in his heart, there was a sea.

When he was a child, the sea was calm, just like the sea that he once saw—a gentle sea that sparkled like it was filled with a bunch of jewels.

But then came the war, prompting storms and raging waves to appear in that sea. He had to traverse through that raging sea. Even if those who were around him got devoured by it, he alone must survive through it.

Now that he was an adult, the sea was gone.

In its place, a dried land spread.

Dry wind blew over Rodrick’s head as he stood frozen in the middle of that dried land. In that land, there were no flowers, grass, nor people.

Even those who were devoured by the sea weren’t there,

He was the only one there, listening to the sound of the dry wind echoing across that dried-up sea.

“——After Mother passed away, I inherited the knight order…”

A different sound of wind echoed, this time it was a wind that cut through the forest. Rodrick was looking at the dark night with Urien by his side.

Without any lights, the garden was enveloped by a pitch-black darkness. Urien was looking up at the night sky that was filled with stars, but Rodrick could only see the darkness.

“From then on, my comrades—the knights—died one by one, due to my orders.”

His comrades, his mother, all of them died due to his mistakes.

It was also due to his mistakes that Urien was swept away by that flood.

He almost lost his life because of him.

Things had always been like this. Even after all that happened, he still hadn’t learned from his mistakes. In front of him, the garden was still pitch-dark and there were barely any flowers there.

The garden was much more beautiful back when his mother was still alive. To protect this garden, the kingdom. That was the reason why he was born. Hence why he had to protect the border, so that it wouldn’t collapse and the enemies wouldn’t be able to raze the kingdom to the ground.

That was his only duty. And yet, he ignored it, and left it in his mother’s hands.

His mother was the daughter of a marquis. Unlike Rodrick, who was born to be a warrior, she was someone who was meant to be born at a peaceful time. She had brown-hair, unlike him who had black hair.

And that pure white person was killed in the hand of the black-hearted Rodrick.

Sometimes, a thought would come to him. Maybe, things would’ve been different if he wasn’t born with this black hair.

Maybe, in the first place, his birth was a mistake.

After all, if he didn’t have this black hair, his father wouldn’t have been afraid of him.

But he did.

That was why his father didn’t even come to his side when he was stung by that bee.

“I…”

Everything.

From his birth.

Up to this day.

“Have made many mistakes.”

“Am I included in those ‘mistakes’?”