IDSEGI Chapter 77

Chapter 77

Before they knew it, autumn had arrived.

While changing from his pajamas into a knit sweater, Yeoul let out a small gasp.

“Ah!”

It was just the static electricity that startled him, making him cry out without thinking, but Yoon Geon hurriedly opened the door and came in.

“What happened?”

Seeing the worried expression on his face, Yeoul felt guilty. He shook his head.

“It’s nothing. Just static… it’s been happening a lot lately. Must be because it’s autumn.”

He gave an awkward laugh and finished putting on his clothes.

Yoon Geon’s gaze moved to the nape of his neck, and he brought over a scarf to wrap around Yeoul’s neck.

“Dress warmer. It’s cold today.”

“I’m fine… it’s still only October.”

“You can’t. Your body’s too weak.”

“My body’s not weak! I’m really healthy.”

Yeoul bent his arm and flexed. A small bulge appeared on his thin arm, but it wasn’t firm. Yoon Geon chuckled softly and poked the little bump.

“Weak.”

“Everyone must look weak to you. There’s no one stronger than you now…”

His voice, which had risen in protest, gradually trailed off. Leaving the unfinished words behind, Yeoul glanced at the clock.

“Let’s go now. The movie’s about to start.”

“Alright.”

It was their rare day off, so they had decided to go watch a movie together. Zone 5 didn’t have facilities like a cinema, but sometimes, for welfare purposes, the center would hold a drive-in theater event. Today was one of those days. The movie wasn’t brand new, but it was a hero film released earlier this year.

When they arrived, Yeoul unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned back in his seat. The inside of the black Cadillac felt cozy. Soon, the movie began.

It was the typical kind of action movie where the hero saves the world.

“That scene where the hero has to choose between the person they love and the world… choosing to save the world is so stupid. He should’ve saved the person he loved.”

It was the same movie he had seen with Ihan during their last date outside before being imprisoned.

Tears slid down Yeoul’s cheeks. Luckily, it was a sad scene. It was okay to cry.

“…”

Yoon Geon silently took Yeoul’s hand. The calloused, rough texture felt like Ihan’s hand, but it wasn’t Ihan.

Wherever I go, you’re there, but here beside me… you’re not.

Whether eating, watching a movie… even just walking down the street, he thought of Ihan. In fact, it was easier to count the moments when he didn’t think about him.

Today’s side dish was beef jangjorim. Yours was always the best in the world.

You were right. The movie’s boring. Save the world? Who cares about the world. He should’ve saved the person he loved.

He should have saved the person he loved.

Yeoul’s tears didn’t stop until the ending credits rolled.

* * *

When he opened his eyes, he was in the hospital. As he tried to sit up, Yoon Geon, who was beside him, stopped him.

“Stay lying down. You still need to rest.”

“Hyung, why am I here?”

He had been watching a movie just a moment ago… it felt strange, as if he had been teleported, to suddenly find himself in a hospital. Seeing his confusion, Yoon Geon spoke quietly.

“You cried through the entire movie. You collapsed from exhaustion.”

“What?”

He couldn’t believe it. To faint just from crying? Blinking in surprise, he saw Yoon Geon sigh.

“Your body’s gotten too weak. I think it’s best for you to be hospitalized for now.”

“But…”

“This isn’t a personal request. I’m ordering you as your team leader. Obey.”

Faced with Yoon Geon’s firm tone, Yeoul bit his lip. He lowered his head and murmured quietly,

“If I don’t work… the day feels too long.”

When he looked up again, there was a faint smile on his lips.

“Alright. I’ll take this chance to use up my overdue vacation days.”

His forced cheerfulness looked fragile. Wanting to comfort him, Yoon Geon opened his mouth but couldn’t speak a single word.

He knew too well that nothing he could say would bring Yeoul comfort. He couldn’t recklessly open his heart.

Just staying by his side. Waiting. That was the only thing he could do—and fortunately, it was the thing he was best at.

I’ll wait. Until you smile. If I keep waiting, there will come a moment when you feel a bit of happiness again.

Yoon Geon placed his hand over Yeoul’s, wanting to give him even a little warmth.

But Yeoul felt no warmth at all.

He just wanted to see Ihan. As always.

* * *

“I think we’ll have to delay your discharge. Your digestive system is damaged—you’ll need time to recover.”

Yeoul had brought up leaving the hospital but was immediately refused by the doctor. No matter how much he said, I’m fine now, I’m not in pain, they wouldn’t listen.

He really wasn’t in pain. This kind of pain didn’t even count as suffering.

But doctor… I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe.

It was hard to exhale and inhale again. Each breath felt short and labored.

After he said he’d forgotten how to breathe, Yeoul was assigned a new attending physician.

“Taking your medication is important, but you also need counseling.”

The psychiatrist tried to persuade him multiple times to attend therapy. Each time, Yeoul shook his head.

No, doctor. I don’t need that.

I just need to keep living. All I have to do is keep breathing.

He had only asked for help because breathing had become difficult—he didn’t need anything else. He wasn’t living to be happy. This life was only to keep Ihan’s last wish.

Even if counseling could help relieve the grief, he didn’t want to let go of it.

The moment I forget Ihan will be the moment I die.

He thought it but didn’t say it aloud—he didn’t want them increasing his medication.

His hospital stay ended up being longer than expected.

Blankly, Yeoul stared out the window. He could see the sky, and above it, he saw Ihan. Sunlight breaking through the clouds looked like Ihan’s hair.

Even if he had forgotten how to breathe, he hadn’t forgotten Ihan. How could he forget someone so dazzling?

In the lightless dark, I keep searching for you. But I can’t find you anywhere. Have I gone blind? But no—you’re too vivid for that.

It wasn’t a matter of missing him. Ihan was the only thing left in Yeoul’s sight.

The word “longing” didn’t even suit it anymore.

Yes, Yeoul…

…wanted to die.

He wanted to scatter himself into the sea with Ihan’s bones and become foam. If that was the only way to hold Ihan, then death was nothing—absolutely nothing—

Actually, Ihan… I’m still afraid of dying.

I don’t want to live without you, but dying still terrifies me. Isn’t that ridiculous?

And yet… why do I want to die so badly? I must love you enough to overcome that fear.

My Ihan, whom I love enough to want to die for. I’m alive. I haven’t died. Could you, just once—just once—appear in my dreams and praise me? Even as a ghost, could you come to see me?

I don’t know how much life I have left. But I hope it’s short. As short as a hamster’s, a chick’s, a mayfly’s.

I want this pitiful life to burn out quickly.

Yeoul counted the days until death endlessly.

Still, each day was too long. Far, far too long.

Before he knew it, it would be time for lunch, then time to vomit what he had eaten, then time to think of Ihan until night came. He repeated the same thing every day in the hospital.

Today was no different. Yeoul stared into empty space without meaning. Time moved unbearably slow.

Just then, the hospital room door opened. He thought it might be Geon-hyung, but it was Eunha.

Shuffling in and rubbing his nose, Eunha glanced at Yeoul.

“How’s your body?”

Out of habit, Yeoul smiled. He didn’t want to worry anyone—if his hospital stay got extended, that would be even worse.

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah, right. You look awful. …Are you eating well?”

Yeoul laughed softly at Eunha’s words.

Eunha frowned and asked in a gruff tone,

“What? Why are you laughing?”

“It’s just funny that everyone who visits me lately asks if I’m eating. Did you all plan it together?”

“…”

Eunha looked at Yeoul, who was chuckling, with pity.

If you saw yourself, you’d be asking the same thing.

That pale face, the thin, bony frame… arms and legs so gaunt he looked like a patient with anorexia. How could anyone not worry about his meals?

“Hey, you—”

Eunha hesitated, then shut his mouth. Yeoul tilted his head.

“What is it?”

“…Just get better soon.”

Eunha hadn’t come here solely to visit.

There had been progress in his research.