IPSTDS Chapter 90

Chapter 90

What if it had been the real Yoon Noah? Nahyuk suddenly imagined.

Wouldn’t Yoon Noah have burst into tears of emotion and accepted Seo Dowoong’s confession right away?

But after that fleeting excitement, Noah would likely have lived in constant fear that their relationship might end.

Because he loved Seo Dowoong too much, he would torment himself by imagining unhappy futures that hadn’t even happened, unable to properly enjoy the happiness he already had.

‘Could I think differently from Yoon Noah?’

Nahyuk let go of those thoughts and answered Lee Kangil.

“I didn’t waver. I told him to his face that I disliked him.”

“…Really?”

“Why would I lie? No matter what Seo Dowoong says, I don’t like him anymore.”

Kangil didn’t reply, only stared deeply into Nahyuk’s eyes, as if to see whether he was lying.

But Nahyuk met his gaze without flinching. He had no reason to avoid it.

Even when recalling the moment of Seo Dowoong’s confession, he hadn’t felt the slightest flutter. And that had been the first confession of his entire life.

“Sorry for doubting you, even for a moment.”

Satisfied, Kangil apologized. It seemed he hadn’t found anything suspicious.

“It’s fine. If I were you, I’d doubt me too. Yoon Noah—no, I—used to be hopelessly in love with Seo Dowoong.”

“But now you think he’s hopeless, right? That’s why you could stay cold.”

“Yeah, he’s hopeless.”

Especially when he thought of how harshly Seo Dowoong had spoken to the sick Noah in the original story, it made his blood boil.

But still, Nahyuk didn’t wish misfortune upon him. He didn’t hope for Seo Dowoong’s happiness either—only that he could live in peace, not loving him anymore.

If it came to it, he could even like someone else.

Wishing for his misery felt wrong when there was something about Seo Dowoong’s solitary state that seemed, just faintly, pitiful.

Besides, Nahyuk wasn’t in any position to wish misfortune on others. He didn’t know when his own body might fail him, he had to think about his relationship with Kangil, and lately even Kim Daon, with whom he’d oddly grown close, weighed on his mind.

“And it’s not that you dislike him because you already like someone else?”

Kangil asked with a crooked smile.

Since they were talking in Nahyuk’s room, on his bed no less, that smile carried a subtle heat.

“Who’s this someone else?”

Nahyuk knew exactly what kind of answer Kangil wanted, but mischievously asked back. He’d been with Kangil long enough that his mischief had rubbed off on him.

“You’re asking when you already know.”

“Daon?”

“….”

Maybe that went too far. Kangil’s face froze, and Nahyuk hurried to cover it up.

“I’m joking. Of course it’s you. If it weren’t you, I wouldn’t have even started this fake relationship.”

“Who am I, then? Say it clearly.”

As if unwilling to be the only one to bare himself, Kangil pushed for an honest answer.
Come to think of it, Nahyuk had only ever hinted at feelings, never said he liked him outright. Whereas Kangil, now and then, had made his interest in him clear.

At that moment, Nahyuk faintly recalled the Kangil of before—the one who used to only tease him. When had that man begun to harbor feelings closer to sincerity?

“Noah, you’re doing it again—lost in pointless thoughts instead of answering.”

“They’re not pointless. I was wondering when you started liking me differently.”

“I can say it with confidence.”

“When?”

“The day you collapsed in Radena. That’s when I first started to care.”

Nahyuk tilted his head. It didn’t make sense. Collapsing might stir pity, but how did that lead to interest?

“You said you didn’t remember, but right before you collapsed, you said this. That you wanted to experience love.”

“….”

“That line, like a last wish, stuck with me. The thought of you dying without ever knowing love—it almost made me want to cry. And I’m not the sentimental type, but it left me with a strange feeling.”
Listening to Kangil, Nahyuk felt his eyes sting, though nothing particularly sad had happened.

His body, dry and brittle as kindling, seemed strangely prone to tears.

“Once I started paying attention, I began to like you. I liked how you celebrated my birthday. I liked how you listened to me. And… I liked how you started speaking so kindly, so unlike before.”

“….”

“Noah, I can promise you—no one has ever been as kind to me as you are.”

Those words echoed again and again in Nahyuk’s ears. His heart felt unusually heavy, as if sinking.

It might have been a pitiable thing for Kangil, but Nahyuk had always been kind to everyone.

He had been kind to Daon, and even, in his own way, to Seo Dowoong, despite wanting to keep distance. If not, he wouldn’t have taken care of Seo Dowoong when he was sick.

But not many recognized his kindness. Perhaps only Kangil and Daon.

Even when living as Lee Nahyuk, no one seemed to acknowledge it, and he sometimes worried that meant he was living wrongly.

If only he had been born cold, if he had been a heartless man who never considered others, maybe he could have lived better.

But now he thought he wouldn’t feel that way anymore.

Because Kangil had told him that his kindness was something he loved. Because at least one person recognized its worth.

He could believe now that he hadn’t lived wrongly after all.

“It’s your turn to answer now. So what am I? What am I, that you’re pretending to be my lover?”

If it was you, the one who acknowledged my worth, maybe it would be okay to be honest about my feelings.

It didn’t feel like the old days anymore—those days I could barely even remember now—when I rashly confessed to a close colleague at work and got cruelly rejected.

“I… like you.”

Because the words came out like a confession, my voice trembled faintly.

Even my face felt like it was burning, and Nahyuk lowered his head a little to hide his flushed cheeks.

But Kangil, sitting beside him, reached out and gently cupped his cheek. He tilted Nahyuk’s head up so their eyes could meet directly.

“Is it just liking?”

It sounded like he was asking if it wasn’t love.

Nahyuk did truly like Kangil. But he still didn’t know if he could say he loved him.

And he didn’t want to lie and say he loved him just to keep Kangil from feeling hurt.

“……”

When Nahyuk only answered with silence, Kangil gave a small laugh. As if he had already heard the answer.

Yet, he didn’t seem deeply offended. Perhaps he had expected this all along.

“When will that wish of yours—to love before you die—be fulfilled?”

“I wonder that too. But aren’t you the same as me? Do you love me?”

“I can’t lie. Honestly… I don’t love you enough to die for you.”

Of course. It was the answer Nahyuk had expected, yet for some reason, it still deflated him a little.

“But I like you enough to fight desperately to keep you alive.”

At those words, a smile crept onto Nahyuk’s lips. The promise of doing whatever it took to save him sounded sweeter than anything else.

“What do two people who like each other have to do?”

Kangil’s face seemed suddenly much closer as he asked softly. Their noses brushed together.

Right at the distance where their lips were about to touch, Kangil teased in a low voice.

“This time, answer clearly.”

Instead of replying, Nahyuk pushed his lips forward slightly.

Soon, the now-familiar softness of Kangil’s lips pressed against his own.

The kiss, given as an answer, made Kangil hesitate for a moment.

But the pause was brief. As if he were devouring him, Kangil swallowed his lips. Their hot breaths tangled in a dizzying mess.

Thanks to their previous kisses, Nahyuk could at least follow Kangil’s lead this time.

He sucked his lips when Kangil did, let his tongue slip into his mouth and wander—but in the end, all he could manage was a breathless sound. When Kangil’s tongue pushed in deep, it felt like he had no choice but to cling to him.

“Mmgh….”

Even breathing was difficult, and with his whole body burning hot, he felt himself grow lightheaded.

When their lips finally parted after countless clashes, Nahyuk realized some of his clothes were gone.

“If you pass out halfway again tonight, I’ll be disappointed.”

Kangil’s words left little doubt that he wanted to go all the way. And he gave Nahyuk no chance to answer.

His tongue flicked over Nahyuk’s hardened nipple while his hand roamed his body.

Even from just having his nipple sucked, sharp jolts of pleasure spread through him. Each time his back arched helplessly, his stiff erection—he hadn’t even noticed when it had risen—shook faintly.

“If you don’t want this, say it.”

Kangil’s hot hand slid down Nahyuk’s body, gripping the soft skin of his inner thigh. His long fingers slipped further back, brushing lightly against the most sensitive spot.