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It’s cold. Doyoon thought. While walking along the stream bank, following behind Jaehyun.

It was now mid-December. Thanks to the weather, which had entered the dead of winter, it felt like frost was forming in his lungs every time he breathed in. The stream flowing between the dried-up bushes below the bank also looked as cold as a sheet of ice. The turbid sky was reflected in the gray-white waves.

He was on his way to Jaehyun’s house for tutoring after school. Jaehyun tutors Doyoon almost every day. Thanks to that, Doyoon’s grades for this second semester of his first year had improved a lot. Although not as much as Jaehyun had hoped.

Doyoon glanced ahead. Isn’t Jaehyun cold? Unlike himself, who was wearing only a hoodie over his winter uniform, Jaehyun was wearing a large jacket. After stealing a glance at the brand name on the back of the charcoal gray jacket’s collar, Doyoon quickly averted his gaze. It was because his eyes had traveled past Jaehyun’s nape and reached his ear.

An ear with a thin hoop piercing. Something he thought every time he saw it, but it was, as expected, very pretty. So pretty he wanted to capture it in a drawing. Mulling it over, Doyoon walked, maintaining a distance of a few meters. He was afraid that if he got too close, his feelings would be discovered.

“Doyoon-ah.”

Just as they were nearing the stairs leading down from the bank to the stream, Jaehyun turned around and called him.

“Why are you following so far behind.”

“Uh…”

“Come closer.”

Jaehyun commanded. He stood still, as if he intended to wait.

Doyoon did as he was told. He hurried over and stood shoulder to shoulder with Jaehyun. Only then did Jaehyun smile and speak to him. While slowly starting to walk again.

“You were talking with Baek Yeji when you came out of the music room earlier. Did she ask you to hang out again?”

“Yeah. But I refused. I told her I have to study.”

“I see.”

With a slight nod, another question.

“Where did she ask you to go hang out? The karaoke bar again?”

“No. She knows I don’t like karaoke bars. So this time she asked to go to a cafe.”

“Ah, really? With a group of people?”

“No, since I’m uncomfortable in groups, she asked for just the two of us to go.”

“I see.”

While they talked, they had gone all the way down the stairs and were now close enough to the stream to hear the sound of the water. The two of them walked toward the stepping stones. Large, high stones, placed far apart.

Doyoon can’t cross this bridge well by himself. It’s difficult unless Jaehyun holds his hand. His athletic skills are exceptionally poor, but it’s even worse because he has anemia. In places where the ground is not stable, he is prone to getting dizzy and stumbling. Jaehyun’s voice continued.

“You should have gone to the cafe with her today.”

“Huh? I have to study with you.”

“We can skip for a day.”

Tilting his head, Jaehyun looked back at Doyoon.

“She asks you pretty often, it must feel bad to keep refusing. Next time Yeji asks you to go hang out somewhere, just the two of you, will you do that? We’ll cancel our tutoring session for just one day. How about you two go hang out then.”

“…”

A question.

It’s a question. It’s started again. The question-and-answer game. Doyoon swallowed his dry saliva.

He had to give the correct answer. Doyoon studied Jaehyun’s expression. He was smiling. The corners of his mouth were turned up and his eyebrows were soft. What about the content of the question? Jaehyun had said, ‘it must feel bad to keep refusing’. In other words, he seems to think that continuously refusing someone’s request is an act to feel sorry for. An act to feel sorry for, an act that makes others feel bad, an act that causes trouble.

It is right not to do such things. Doyoon soon nodded and answered.

“Yeah, I’ll do that next time.”

Jaehyun had no reaction.

Doyoon’s heart dropped. They had reached the front of the stone bridge, and Jaehyun held out his hand.

“Give me your bag.”

“…”

“Get in. See you on the other side.”

“…Yeah.”

As Jaehyun took the bag and stepped on the first stone, Doyoon also entered the water and began to walk.

The water level of the stream itself was not high. Normally, it wouldn’t go past his waist, but lately, it was the dry season, so the water only sloshed around his hips. The bottom was also even and had few stones, so there was little risk of his foot getting stuck or taking a misstep. The problem, however, was the cold. Walking through the water that was on the verge of freezing in sub-zero temperatures, a chill quickly crept up from his legs to his heart. It became difficult to breathe.

It was a penalty. Starting in November, as the weather got colder, Jaehyun would sometimes play the question-and-answer game with Doyoon by the stream. Jaehyun poses a question to Doyoon. If Doyoon gets the right answer, they cross the bridge together, holding hands, and if he gets it wrong, as a penalty, Doyoon crosses by walking through the water alone.

By the time he had crossed the twenty-meter-or-so width and reached the opposite bank, Doyoon’s face had turned blue. Jaehyun stood on the ground and looked down at Doyoon, asking. With his hands lightly tucked into his jacket pockets.

“I’ll ask again. Should I cancel tutoring next time?”

“…”

“Are you going to go hang out instead of studying? Is that the right thing to do?”

“No, no.”

Doyoon belatedly shook his head vigorously.

“I was wrong. That was the wrong answer. I’m sorry.”

“Come up.”

Jaehyun held out his hand.

Doyoon hesitated. His hand was cold right now. It was too cold. It was bearable until November, but he hadn’t known that walking in the water in December would make his body this cold. He shouldn’t touch Jaehyun with this frozen lump of flesh.

Even on normal days, he felt sorry every time Jaehyun held his hand. Every time he made him touch something like Doyoon. But today was different. Because he would make Jaehyun even colder on a cold day. Jaehyun furrowed his brow.

“Do as you’re told. Grab on and come up.”

Pale with guilt, Doyoon had no choice but to extend his hand.

A large hand firmly gripped Doyoon’s and pulled him up. After setting foot on the bank, Doyoon gasped for breath. Gasp. He unconsciously wrapped his arms around his body. Jaehyun stared at the sight blankly, then took off his jacket and said.

“Arms up.”

“I don’t want to.”

Doyoon shook his head, disgusted. He had realized what Jaehyun was trying to do. Because it was the same last time. He hated it.

He doesn’t want to get something like Kang Doyoon on Jaehyun’s clothes. Not on the outside, but on the lining. It’s dirty. It’s horrible. Besides, it was absurd that because of him, Jaehyun would have to walk in this weather without a jacket. He hated it so much. Hate…

“Kang Doyoon.”

A low voice, felt almost like a vibration.

“I told you. Nothing makes me feel worse than you not listening to me.”

Doyoon stopped moving.

With his head bowed, he meekly raised his arms as Jaehyun instructed, slipped his hands through the sleeves, and put on the jacket. A jacket that still held Jaehyun’s body heat. It was warm. His legs were still cold, but as the area where his organs were was covered, the chills also subsided.

“…It’s on.”

After Jaehyun zipped up the collar and spoke, Doyoon finally raised his eyes.

His eyes met Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun was staring at Doyoon blankly. He looks at the other person, whose body temperature he had lowered by putting him in the water, whom he had warmed again by putting his own jacket on, who was on the verge of tears with remorse and guilt towards him. Gazing as if looking at a well-tamed possession, he raised his hand. He strokes his hair.

“Why’d you have to get the answer wrong.”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t talk to Baek Yeji.”

A low voice cut through Doyoon’s mumble.

“No talking with her. From now on, just don’t have conversations at all. Even if she talks to you first, ignore her. Then she won’t be able to suggest hanging out, right. And you won’t have to refuse or anything. Easy, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s easy.”

“Let’s go.”

Jaehyun turned around.

Jaehyun walked with Doyoon’s bag slung separately over one shoulder, layered over his own. Doyoon walked a few steps behind. This time, Jaehyun did not turn around and call his name. Nor did he tell him to come closer and walk.

A dim, pastel-toned landscape enveloped and followed the two of them the entire time they walked. The white of the sky, the gray-blue of the water, and the yellowish-brown of the plants on the bank. The large trees had long since become bare, but the bushes and reeds were still thick, though dried and yellow, and they occasionally sent a sound like paper rubbing against paper to his ears, mixed in with the wind.

Doyoon suddenly remembered. That during the summer vacation when the cicadas were in full swing, the two of them had also walked along this path.

Back then, they still used to call each other ‘friends’. It felt like something from a strikingly distant past, and at the same time, it was unbelievable. How could someone like him have been friends with Cha Jaehyun. How could he have accepted such a situation as even slightly natural.

Reflecting, Doyoon moved his feet. Staring only at the vicinity of Jaehyun’s heels with his head down. He didn’t know what kind of expression Jaehyun was making.

Having left Doyoon at a distance behind him, Jaehyun walked, trembling slightly. It wasn’t because he was cold. It was because he was scared. He remembered summer. The day he had walked along this very stream with Doyoon amidst the ringing of cicadas. That day was full of sunshine, and everything was warm. Doyoon had laughed, and he had laughed a lot too.

How did it come to this.

How did I end up doing these things.

In his mind, Jaehyun went back in time. Past the dazzling summer vacation, all the way to the end of the first semester when he and Doyoon hadn’t even started speaking to each other yet.