ICYM Ch 37

Episode 37

And just like that, I had my first lover. I looked across the table at Kendrick with mixed feelings.

“See you tomorrow morning too.”

“…Yeah.”

Kendrick was focused on studying. It was an hour earlier than the time I usually met with Sunbae, but I didn’t complain. Even today, the day after my confession, I met Kendrick at the dorm library.

The thought that I needed to straighten things out quickly clashed with the thought that I couldn’t possibly admit that my confession had been a mistake. I had agonized over it all night yesterday, but all I gained was exhaustion.

“Want to take a short break?”

Kendrick’s gaze, which had been fixed on his book, shifted to me.

“Shall we?”

My concentration had already run away long ago. At the welcome suggestion, my face lit up, and Kendrick, staring silently at my expression, stood up.

“I’ll go get some water downstairs.”

“…Oh! Okay, go ahead.”

“Want me to bring you some too?”

“Huh? I’d like juice.”

“What kind?”

“Apple.”

“Alright.”

Maybe I should’ve just asked for water? Worried it might seem like I was sending him on an errand, I quickly added a word of thanks.

“Thanks.”

It was only the second day since we started dating, and all we’d done was study. I knew it wasn’t about suddenly declaring love the moment we started dating, but wasn’t this too much like a tutor and a student just sitting and studying?

Why did he even accept my confession?

I couldn’t guess the reason at all.

When Kendrick came back upstairs and opened the door, I stopped him.

“…Hey!”

He froze. Just like yesterday when I had confessed, Kendrick’s steps came to a halt. The only difference was that, with the memory of yesterday’s mistake carved into me, I first checked that the person who had entered was indeed the one I wanted to talk to.

With difficulty, I opened my mouth. He was standing a little far away, but because of the distance, the fear felt weaker.

“Um… About me saying I liked you….”

I was going to explain first while he was still far away.

It was at that moment—

Creak!

The wind suddenly flung the half-open door wide. It was an old, lightweight door, so it opened with incredible speed, and Kendrick was standing right in front of it. If it had been me, my nose would’ve been smashed for sure. But Kendrick, like some nimble beast, effortlessly blocked the door that had burst open behind him.

Bang!

But even if it was old and flimsy, it was still a door. Yet it broke apart as if it were made of paper.

I gaped at the hole gaping through the door, while Kendrick nonchalantly rotated the wrist that had smashed it, as if it was nothing.

“No way, that’s a lie?”

Kendrick glanced at the broken door with indifference, then turned his gaze back to me. His face was calm, as if breaking down a door was no big deal. That made it even scarier. Why were his hands perfectly fine, without a single scratch, even though the door had been demolished?

Even the plastic water bottle in his grip had crumpled, and water was spilling across the floor.

My legs went weak, and I wanted to just collapse on the spot.

I was so terrified that I could only answer in a cowardly way.

“No. I just wanted to say it again.”

I couldn’t help but feel that if I rejected him here, I’d end up like that door, the next in line to be destroyed.

“…Alright.”

Kendrick spoke in a low, husky voice.

Just like that, in only two days, I’d somehow become the guy who confessed to liking him twice. And with no room left to wriggle out, we ended up in a relationship.

* * *

After cleaning up the spilled water, I used being tired as an excuse to return to my room. But the moment I was alone, it felt like my head would explode, so I went back to the library.

When my eyes fell again on the battered, dangling door, my lower lip trembled. The library was empty. Sunbae didn’t show up until several hours later.

“Hayden!”

“…Oh? Senior.”

“I kept saying the door was old, but now it’s broken. Was it already like this when you got here?”

I was the only one who saw the door break. If I told him who did it, Sunbae would definitely tell the dorm supervisor. Then I’d instantly become the tattletale.

“…Yeah!”

Maybe he didn’t notice the long pause before my answer, because he only frowned slightly, saying he should tell the dorm supervisor later.

“Sorry about yesterday. I overslept.”

“You texted me. It’s fine.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to apologize properly today.”

His hair was neatly styled today, and his clothes looked more put-together than the ones he usually wore on his days off. Even so, I couldn’t just be happy about it.

“Oh? Uh, okay.”

“So? What was it you wanted to tell me yesterday?”

“Huh?”

Seeing my dazed face, Sunbae gave me a warm smile and tousled my hair.

“Why are you so startled? Like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Honestly, running into a ghost would’ve been better. Then I would’ve been shocked only for a moment and moved on. But right now, I’ve been stuck for hours in the state of ‘Am I really dating Kendrick?’

Since I didn’t have the courage to say it to his face, maybe I should just say it through text message instead and shut my mouth afterward?

I did toy with the idea for a moment, but never followed through. All that happened was the battery percentage at the top right of my screen drained faster.

“Don’t you have something you wanted to say?”

“Ah….”

I did. Something really important. And I had even said it already. The problem was, I’d said it to the wrong person.

For just a moment, I was seized by the urge to tell the truth.

But then my gaze caught on the door again, hanging loose like a torn piece of paper. I had to make the right judgment here.

My head was spinning. I had called him here to confess, but since I couldn’t do that anymore, I needed to come up with some other plausible excuse.

“…No. I just wanted to say that since you’ll be busy from now on, you don’t have to help me on weekends.”

When I thought about it in my head, the words sounded considerate. But once spoken out loud, they came out strangely, like I was drawing a line.

Please refuse.

If he said he could still tutor me, that I shouldn’t worry, then I was planning to quickly say, ‘Let’s keep meeting like we used to, every weekend morning.’

“…I didn’t think you’d see me that way.”

But the reply I got was something I hadn’t expected.

“…Of course I worry!”

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t let it show.

“Is that why you called me out here?”

Just a few days ago, I had been thanking him for helping me study, and now I was suddenly saying he didn’t need to anymore. Maybe it sounded strange because he asked again.

But seeing that he didn’t refuse, it seemed he had secretly been hoping for it.

Unable to meet Sunbae’s eyes, I lowered my gaze and answered.

“Yeah.”

What should I do? The shocking single-digit score I had seen when I collapsed floated around in my head.

* * *

One good thing about having a room to myself was that no matter how much I kicked at the blanket, there was no one to nag me about it.

“Argh!”

Kicking the blanket, I racked my brain desperately on how to deal with this situation.

I felt cornered. Out of nowhere, someone I’d never expected became my boyfriend, and weekend study sessions suddenly stopped starting next week.

“Once the winter exams are over, I’ll definitely make time then. Let’s go hang out together then.”

“…Okay.”

I wanted to cry, but if I did, I’d have to explain everything, so I could only swallow it down.

After throwing a fit in my room and squeezing my brain dry, I came to only one conclusion.

I didn’t know why Kendrick was dating me, but for now, I’d just leave it be.

He could break up with me first if he decided it wasn’t what he wanted!

Once I made up my mind, I started to see some upsides to this relationship I had only dreaded before.

The biggest downside, of course, was that it was terrifying, and if things went wrong, I could end up like that door at any time.

He really was good at teaching, though.

It had only been a few hours, but even in that short time, I could feel just how good Kendrick was at teaching. I’d managed to understand in an instant what I hadn’t been able to grasp for weeks. I felt bad thinking it, but when it came to teaching ability, Sunbae wasn’t even on the level of the dirt under Kendrick’s fingernails.

I’ll just date him for a short while.

I pulled together every possible reason to rationalize the situation.

And it wasn’t only personal feelings.

I recalled the scene I’d witnessed after school. The female lead gazing at Kendrick with bright, sparkling eyes instead of the male lead. The male lead standing beside them like a background prop.

If, because of me, the people who were supposed to be together couldn’t meet over some trivial reason, I would feel awful.

So I clenched my eyes shut and clung to that bit of self-convincing. I had once declared I would ignore the original story, and now I could really feel how terrifying self-justification could be, but I had no choice.

At least, in all this misfortune, there was one stroke of luck: Kendrick had agreed to my request. That was the most important issue.

“…Hey, um.”

“Yeah.”

“Can we keep our relationship a secret? Just for the time being.”

“…Sure. I don’t mind.”

It was the only clever trick I could come up with. I couldn’t end things right away, but I also couldn’t risk anyone (especially Sunbae) finding out I was suddenly dating someone else.

Before this semester ends, I’ll make up some excuse and break up with him.

I clenched my fists tightly, making that resolution. I remembered the condition that had come along with keeping things secret, but I pushed the thought away.