0&1 Ch 13.3

I collapsed onto the bed. My head was burning up, and my whole body ached so badly I couldn’t stand it.

My eyes were hot, but no tears came out. I fell asleep without hearing what Dot was saying and dreamed endless dreams.

**

I was reaching out my hand to a younger version of Edward.

“Do you want it? Then say, ‘Give it to me.’”

“Give it to me.” Edward gathered his hands and held them out. I handed him the toy as if giving it away.

“You don’t have something like this, do you?”

Edward nodded.

When I blinked, the scene changed, and I was hiding behind a wall. Edward was being scolded by the tutor. “Stealing! That’s why you can’t trust people of low birth. If you don’t teach them well from a young age…” 

The tutor raised his cane. I trembled behind the wall. Edward didn’t steal anything. Should I tell him that I gave it to him? But then I would get scolded. I didn’t say anything.

**

During class, Edward was praised. I couldn’t answer the questions, but Edward answered them.

When I told my mother, the lessons became longer.

“Prince Joffrey can do better, can’t he? This mother believes in the Prince.”
“Joffrey, my precious Prince. That child is smarter than you? Who would say such a wicked thing to the Prince? The Prince can win. The Prince must win.“

My mother cried. I begged for forgiveness. I promised to do better.

The next day, my attendants were disciplined. Edward was no longer allowed to answer the teacher’s questions.

**

”The son of the Prime Minister will be studying with us starting today. I hope he will be a good friend to Prince Joffrey.”
“His name is Grey Cracker?”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
“Is he a good student?”
“Yes, Your Highness.”

**

Grey Cracker answered without hesitation. What kind of kid is this? But he was really good at his studies. He thought I was stupid because I couldn’t understand anything after one lesson.

**

“Have you become friends with the Prime Minister’s son?” Her Majesty asked. 

He ignores me, I couldn’t say that.

“Yes.”

I have to become friends with Grey Cracker. 

I went back to class. Grey was talking to Edward.

With that in mind, I went back to class. Grey was talking to Edward. He was smiling, but when he saw me, his usual gloomy expression returned.

“You’re here, Your Highness?” I ignored him.

That night, I cried a little.

**

Edward was running across the meadow. I watched him run away as if he had wings.

I followed him, panting. I couldn’t see Edward and Grey’s horses. I followed them on foot. The ground spun around me. I felt nauseous.

Edward had everything. Only I knew that. It was natural that Grey liked Edward. Edward had everything I couldn’t have.

I want what you have. Give it to me.

“Let me ride your horse. Then I’ll let you go see your mother.”

If I had what you have, I could live up to my mother’s expectations.

**

When I woke from the long dream, the first thing I saw was Dot looking troubled.

He was standing by the door as if being punished. Occasionally, his head turned toward the door, as if something was outside.

My right hand felt constricted. It was wrapped in white bandages. I realized belatedly that I had been injured.

I tried to clench my fist, but the hand bound by the bandages wouldn’t move. My senses were dull. Even if I slammed this hand against the wall, it wouldn’t hurt. Though it was attached to my arm, it didn’t feel like my hand.

But maybe this line of thinking was wrong from the start.

This hand wasn’t mine. It belonged to Joffrey. The new environment I had acquired, the relationships with people, the strange things I had dismissed without giving them much thought—all of it belonged to Joffrey. It was part of the game’s settings. It was predetermined.

Even knowing that, I had believed I could change something.

My body, drenched in cold sweat, began to shiver, and the fever subsided. I was no longer angry, and I couldn’t think of anything I disliked.

I was just calm. Even though Joffrey’s memories made my chest feel unsteady, my head stayed clear enough to know they weren’t my emotions.

I was just calm. Even though my heart was still racing with memories of Joffrey, my head was cold enough to know that those feelings belonged to someone else.

Until the previous afternoon, I knew almost nothing about Joffrey. At least, that was true of the eleven-year-old Joffrey. I had no desire to know anything about him. No one really knew him.

No one knew he was gone. Not even his mother or his closest servant.

For the first time, I wondered. Was Joffrey dead? Did he disappear? If so, where did he go?

Or is he still inside me?

“Dot.”
“Your Highness? You’re awake?”
Dot ran to me. I saw him glance back at the door as if absent-mindedly.

“What’s going on outside?”
“Yes? Ah… Your Highness…” Dot bit his lip. “Her Majesty is outside.”
“Why doesn’t she come in?”
“She said she would wait until you opened the door.”

The Queen in my dream did not say anything harsh to Joffrey. She probably didn’t think she was tormenting Joffrey.

She had high hopes for Joffrey, believed in him, and wanted to protect him.

Now she probably wanted him to feel guilty.

“How long has she been waiting?”
“All night… I’m sorry. She said not to wake you. I’m sorry…” Dot bit his lip again.

The Queen’s shoes came to mind. The Queen waiting at the door wearing those torturous shoes.

She couldn’t imagine her taking off her shoes and sitting in the hallway. The Queen wasn’t that kind of person.

“Why are you sorry? It was the Queen’s wish. You must have been standing at the door all night. Go inside and rest.”
“Then what about you, Your Highness…”
“She’s been waiting. I should open the door.”
“I’ll stay with you.”
“You don’t need to.”

Dot flinched. I realized that I had been speaking emotionlessly. I thought I should speak like a child, like Joffrey, but I was too tired now.

Now I think I understand a little bit about what Joffrey is like, but today I couldn’t act like him.

“It doesn’t change anything that you’re here. Rest. I’ll give you tomorrow off. Sleep in.”
“But, Your Highness…”

A loyal servant was a tired existence. Dot must be tired, but I was tired too.

“If you want to stay here, do as you please.”

It wasn’t good for Dot to be seen by the Queen right now. Why was he being so stubborn?

I opened the door.

I came face to face with the Queen’s pale face. Her pale skin and red lips trembled when she saw me.

“Come in.” I stepped aside, holding the doorknob so she could pass.

Behind the Queen stood a maid holding a candle and a knight. Considering that she was usually accompanied by nearly ten attendants, it was a small group.

I don’t know how long she had been standing there, but the maid staggered as soon as she took a step. I pretended not to notice that she was holding onto the door to keep from falling. The knight was the same.

The Queen paid no attention to what was happening behind her.

Her gaze was fixed on me. But when I looked at her, she looked away.

Her hair, which was always tied up high, was disheveled.

I felt guilty. A sad and apologetic feeling. But this wasn’t my feeling. It was Joffrey’s feeling.

Even though I believed the Queen hadn’t been a good parent to him, I still wanted to treat her kindly. Why?

Because Joffrey was a good son. Because I was using Joffrey’s body…

More than that, every time I saw her, I thought of my own mother. They didn’t look alike at all, but every time I saw the Queen, I felt like I had done something wrong.

Why did I feel that way? Was it because I called the Queen “Mother”? Was the sin I had committed against my mother being projected onto the Queen?

The Queen’s hands were so warm and soft. They were completely different from my mother’s hands as I remembered them.

I had never had hands like that before. My mother never touched me. I had never even imagined someone touching me.

The Queen’s hand was warm. It felt like love.

I was starved for it.

I was starved for contact. Even though I felt strange and embarrassed by the Queen’s love and attention, my heart softened.