0&1 Ch 13.4

The Queen entered silently and sat down on the chair used by Dot. I briefly wondered if I should offer her a better seat, but I didn’t want to show that much courtesy.

The Queen’s maid placed candles on the table. The knight closed the door as he left.

Only Dot, standing like a shadow against the wall, remained in the room with me and the Queen.

The Queen bowed her head, so I couldn’t see her face. I thought she would stay that way, so be it.

Suddenly, she tipped her head back and covered her face with both hands.

“My Prince…”

I am not Prince Joffrey.

“Do you hate me? Do you think it’s all my fault? Like His Majesty? Like everyone else?”

I couldn’t tell if the Queen was asking a question or crying.

My heart ached. I wanted to tell her that wasn’t what I meant, and just beg her to forgive me.

These aren’t my feelings. Joffrey seems sad.

I couldn’t be as sad as Joffrey, but when the Queen reached out her hand, I didn’t push her away.

“Everything I do is for my Prince.” Both her hands held my face. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Trust me, Prince. Everything I do is for you.”

Her tear-stained black eyes were frightening.

Then the Queen covered her face again and began to sob. I was taken aback. I almost hugged her.

If the Queen hadn’t been holding my arms, I would have done so. Her claw-like fingers dug into my skin. I would have bruises tomorrow.

“Do you feel sorry for Edward? Do you think he’s weak?”

”Because he is, isn’t he?” 

I tried to compose myself. I didn’t want to be swayed by emotions that weren’t mine.

But I couldn’t even tell which of these emotions were mine. The Queen looked as if she was about to collapse. Joffrey had never pushed her like this before.

“You are the weak one! Perhaps you should have shown pity to someone else. How could you pity him? Because of that foolish man’s love, you almost never got to be born!” A voice like a scream echoed through the room.

The Queen closed her eyes tightly and then opened them again. She lowered her voice and scolded me. 

“Are you pitying that Prince, who seems inferior to you, because your position is secure? My foolish, kind Joffrey. Could you not find anyone else to pity, that you decided to reach out to your brother?”

“Mother made him pitiful. We made him that way.”

I wish it had been just pity. I approached him to change the future, but I also felt sorry for him. I felt frustrated and sorry for him because he couldn’t do what he wanted.

When the boy who seemed like he wouldn’t trust anyone opened his heart to me, I felt like I had won a game.

I couldn’t stand my own despicability.

The Queen raised her head. “Joffrey.” She grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go.

“Joffrey, my son, listen carefully. The royal marriage was arranged as proof of our alliance, and I became the Queen of this country. But the King of this country was young, and he had a lover, and he refused to give up his relationship with her.”

One hand brushed my hair behind my ear, and the tickling sensation swept across my cheek.

Was the Queen’s hand always this cold?

“What was the King thinking? Did he believe that if his lover bore him an heir, this marriage would be invalidated? I didn’t care about the King’s stupidity, but he didn’t even fulfill his basic duty to his wife.”

The Queen spoke as if telling an old story.

“People said there was something wrong with me. Even though the King didn’t come looking for me, they said it was my fault that I couldn’t have children. This marriage couldn’t be broken. I could never return to my kingdom. When the King came to see me once, under pressure from his ministers and courtiers, I wondered if there would be another chance.”

The Queen stopped crying. 

“What should I have done? Should I have waited for a miracle?”
“…”
”That’s impossible. Miracles have never helped me before. Do you understand what I’m saying?“ 

A cold, soft hand caressed my cheek. 

“You are not the King’s son. You have no right to pity Edward.”

My head was spinning.

“Therefore, you must be superior to Edward. You must make allies and erase his existence. No one in this castle will ever think of him again. You must be more princely than anyone else.”

My heart was racing. Even when I was still, I could feel my pulse, which couldn’t be normal. It felt like blood was rushing through my body.

This was something Joffrey didn’t know.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t have felt like he was about to throw up.

So this was the time to tell your eleven-year-old son the secret of his birth…?

“Is that why you hurt her?” I asked blankly.

The Queen’s hand paused. “Why are you asking me that? Even though I’m telling you this…“

“Did you hurt Lady Rosé for me? That’s what I’ve been asking. You haven’t answered me.“

I hoped the Queen wasn’t tormenting Joffrey to avoid answering his question.

In the game, the part where he reveals the secret of his birth was ridiculous.

What is this, intense inferiority complex? That’s what I thought, and even after becoming Joffrey, I didn’t think much of it.

Why did the Queen have to tell me now? 

I couldn’t understand it.

I wish it hadn’t been now.

Another day. When Joffrey had grown up a little and was on good terms with the Queen. If she had told me then.

I could have comforted the Queen. I might have been able to tell her that I understood her choice.

“Mother.”

“No.” The Queen answered reflexively. “No.”

I wondered if she even knew who I was talking about.

I was exhausted. I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

Seeing my expression, the Queen became even more frightened. “Please believe me, Prince. My Prince must not abandon me…”

The Queen does not understand what the problem is. 

Making excuses, trying to scare me, and then becoming frightened by Joffrey’s reaction, the Queen looked almost like a child.

“It wasn’t you who did it?”

“No.” The Queen nodded.

“I believe you.”  The words came out like a sigh.

I believed the Queen. I believed she would do anything for Joffrey.

She had been like that since I first met her. As soon as she realized that Edward had harmed me, she raised her hands.

Did the Queen hurt his mother? I suspect her, but even if it is true, she would never admit it in front of me. Probably not in her entire life.

Then the truth doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is that I am still playing the role of the Queen’s son, that I can no longer trust her, and that Joffrey’s future is ruined.

It felt like there were bugs living in my head. They were crawling along a predetermined path.

Usually, they stimulated me at a depressing pace, but every now and then, they provoked me.

The Queen did not leave Joffrey’s bedroom. She said she would leave after seeing me sleep.

The Queen’s tears fell onto the blanket.

It was heavy. I never wanted to be someone’s everything.

Why did I become Joffrey?

I wanted to run away.

People don’t change. Once, I abandoned everything and ran away.

When my father passed away and our house was buried in debt, we had to move to a place where no one knew us and live in hiding.

I abandoned my mother and ran away. I took a train for several hours and got off at the seaside. My heart was pounding, and I couldn’t sleep because of guilt.

At dawn, I called my mother from a pay phone. She came to pick me up. We took the train and returned home.

That was the only trip I remember.

I laid the exhausted Queen on my bed and sat down on a chair.

Is Edward asleep now?

Dot covered my back with a thin blanket. “Your Highness, shall I prepare another room? You should rest a little.”

“Did you hear us?”

The Queen seemed to have forgotten that Dot was there.

It was a chaotic night.

Dot bit his lip. “I won’t tell anyone. I’ll keep your secret with my life.”

“Why do you like risking your life so much?”
“I’m sorry. My life is worthless, but…”
“Who says that? Did something I said sound like that? Swear your life on something that matters more.”

Not something like Joffrey.

Maybe this was why I never really felt anything for him. Even when Joffrey acted like he had nothing, Edward had less.

Edward had nothing. Now he had lost even his mother.

If I was Edward’s friend, or maybe even his brother…

The feeling that the first step had been wrong was familiar. Looking at the Queen’s face, I wondered what I should do.

Should I go live in the mountains? It’s impossible, though.

Why is Joffrey still only eleven years old?