CI 2.3

“…I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I have nothing to say to you.”

“Is it because of that person just now? You know I have my own circumstances too.”

That person just now? Come to think of it, he had called the woman he was with earlier “honey,” hadn’t he?

Had this hardcore gay man gotten himself a girlfriend? Well, even when dating Son Yeo-il, Koo Dae-hyun seemed quite concerned about his parents’ pressure to get married. But all of that had nothing to do with Son Yeo-il anymore.

“That’s for you to handle, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t acknowledge me again.”

“Son Yeo-il. This isn’t necessary. We’re bound to run into each other again at some point in our lives…”

Koo Dae-hyun reached out to grab Son Yeo-il’s wrist, and Son Yeo-il jerked his hand back, stepping away from him. Just as a shiver of disgust ran down his spine, a woman’s voice could be heard calling out from the distance, “Honey, where are you?”

Flustered by his companion looking for him, Koo Dae-hyun glanced around and left Son Yeo-il with an even more unpleasant parting remark.

“Let’s talk next time, Son Yeo-il. Next time.”

He couldn’t bring himself to retort that he had nothing to say to him and there would absolutely be no “next time.” Perhaps he was too stunned to muster the strength to even say those words.

He had no idea how he managed to leave the bookstore and got upstairs. Son Yeo-il took the escalator up a couple of times and found a seat in the most inconspicuous corner he could find, trying to erase the thoughts that were welling up inside him.

I thought I’d forgotten about it.

Son Yeo-il didn’t want to recall that particular incident. He had no desire to dwell on memories where he was the victim, not wanting to live his entire life as one. But it seemed the wound was still there, even if he tried his best to ignore it.

Son Yeo-il steadied his breathing and clenched and unclenched his faintly trembling fists. It took quite a while to collect himself, and he only belatedly realized that his phone had been buzzing for some time.

Startled, he checked the screen to discover that Won Hee-yeon was calling. Seeing the missed call notifications, it seemed he had been too lost in thought to answer several calls.

“Hello.”

Son Yeo-il answered, hoping his voice didn’t come out sounding too strange.

Though he had disappeared without warning and failed to answer calls, putting him in a position where he couldn’t complain if Won Hee-yeon treated him like a lunatic, he showed no anger—rather, he seemed genuinely relieved that the other man had finally answered.

When he haltingly explained his location, Won Hee-yeon arrived like lightning in less than a few minutes. Even from a distance, his face visibly brightened upon spotting him.

“Son Yeo-il. Uh…”

Won Hee-yeon was about to make some quip but closed his mouth firmly after approaching and seeing Son Yeo-il’s pallid face. He seemed very bewildered and partly angry, but he didn’t ask what had happened.

After pacing in place for a moment, he wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs. Then he crouched down in front of Son Yeo-il, making his house-sized body small, and carefully caressed his cheek and hand.

Now he’s just touching me without asking.

Despite this thought, Son Yeo-il didn’t push him away but quietly accepted his touch. His caress was neither uncomfortable nor unpleasant. In fact, he almost wished he would continue touching him.

And, and…

“Are you feeling a bit calmer now?”

Son Yeo-il, who had almost harbored a strange wish for a brief moment, came to his senses at Won Hee-yeon’s question. As soon as Son Yeo-il focused his eyes and nodded, Won Hee-yeon withdrew his hand.

“I’m fine. Let’s go home now.”

At Son Yeo-il’s words, Won Hee-yeon nodded quickly and headed with him to the VIP valet lounge. The car that appeared before them had shopping bags filling the entire back seat. If the back seat looked like that, the trunk must be packed full as well.

Did he end up buying all of that? Will all those clothes even fit in my studio apartment closet?

Though it gave him a headache thinking about it, Son Yeo-il lacked the energy to argue and simply got into the passenger seat. The return journey from Seoul to Yongju City felt longer than the trip up. Perhaps it was because DJ Won Hee-yeon had neglected his playlist selection and kept checking on Son Yeo-il’s complexion the entire time.

Although Son Yeo-il knew Won Hee-yeon kept glancing at his face, he didn’t speak to him. He was barely managing to endure the turbulent waves churning from within.

He disliked how much he was affected by something like this. His self-loathing was greater than his anger and irritation toward Koo Dae-hyun. Dark emotions that couldn’t be blamed on others were bubbling up to the surface. It felt like he needed to throw in something to fill the deepening pit.

Yes. Anything.

As Son Yeo-il’s uneasy gaze suddenly fell upon Won Hee-yeon’s arms on the steering wheel and his chest, he swallowed hard, his saliva going down his throat as an indescribably self-destructive impulse welled up.

At that moment, Son Yeo-il realized that Won Hee-yeon’s words about the night they first met weren’t a lie. The claim that Son Yeo-il had seduced him first.

Back then, Son Yeo-il had been in an even more miserable state than now, so he must have just wanted to fall anywhere. Seeing a thick, warm body to lean against right in front of him, he probably thought “This is it.”

Even while knowing that acting on impulse had only resulted in complications rather than relief or satisfaction, Son Yeo-il felt a similar urge again.

So what? Is there a law saying I can’t live how I want to live it?

When Won Hee-yeon touched his cheek earlier, Son Yeo-il had wished he would touch other places more deeply. Perhaps he even wanted him to hold him tight and have his way with him.

Because while that large body was pressing down and stirring him, he wouldn’t have to think about anything. He could forget his self-loathing and anger, if only for a moment.

“You okay?”

While lost in thought, they had already arrived in front of Son Yeo-il’s studio apartment building. Son Yeo-il returned to reality at Won Hee-yeon’s question that was full of concern for him. But his mind was still captured by uncharacteristic, erratic impulses.

Son Yeo-il nodded his head slowly. Won Hee-yeon turned to the back seat to hand over the items they had purchased today but quickly realized there were too many shopping bags and smiled awkwardly.

“Right. You’ve had a long day. Take this formal suit since you’ll need to wear it soon. I’ll organize the rest really well and bring them to you, so don’t worry about it.”

His tone suggested he might be planning to buy him a closet to put the clothes in or even get him a new place altogether, which seemed suspicious, but that wasn’t something Son Yeo-il was concerned about right now.

“Won Hee-yeon.”

Son Yeo-il’s voice trembled moistly as he called his name. Won Hee-yeon’s gaze wavered, noticing the subtly hesitant nuance.

“I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Son Yeo-il whispered, gathering his courage and lightly grasping the tips of Won Hee-yeon’s fingers. It was the maximum seduction Son Yeo-il, with his terribly limited experience in such matters, could manage while sober.

“Can’t we stay together a bit longer?”

Won Hee-yeon’s Adam’s apple bobbed visibly. Son Yeo-il wasn’t a child—he knew well how his words would be interpreted. 

“Want to come up for some ramen?”—something like that.

Lewd thoughts might be rising in Won Hee-yeon’s mind right now. It didn’t matter. That was exactly what he meant, and Son Yeo-il’s mind was no less dirty.

“Ah, y-yes. We can do…”

Won Hee-yeon mumbled awkwardly, fidgeting with Son Yeo-il’s fingers touching his. Then, as if having made some decision, he let go and gripped the steering wheel firmly.

“Let’s go.”

Though he expected they would go straight up to the studio apartment to get down to business, Won Hee-yeon started driving somewhere. Well, if they did such things in a room with almost no soundproofing, everyone in the building would immediately realize, “It’s not even dark yet, but 202 and 203 are already having sex.”

So where are we going? Won Hee-yeon’s house? It doesn’t seem like we’re heading that way…Are we going to a motel?

Son Yeo-il thought of the castle-shaped motels scattered on the outskirts of Yongju City. Though he had initiated this, his heart began to beat faster at the thought of a place that explicitly suggested “doing it.”

The tension was heightened by the fact that he had fed Won Hee-yeon eel for lunch. Catching a glimpse of the front of Won Hee-yeon’s pants straining tight, Son Yeo-il quietly swallowed his saliva.

As Son Yeo-il had guessed, Won Hee-yeon’s car headed toward the outskirts of the city. The tension felt heightened as they drove along the riverside, but when the car unexpectedly started climbing a mountain road, Son Yeo-il became confused.

…Why are we going to the mountains?

Because of Won Hee-yeon’s past, where he might have buried a person or two, Son Yeo-il briefly thought the genre between them was shifting from cheap pornography to thriller.

However, the car that had started climbing the hill soon stopped at the edge of the road. While Son Yeo-il was bewildered, Won Hee-yeon got out of the car and gestured.

“Come over here. Quickly.”

Getting out and following him in a daze, Son Yeo-il realized why Won Hee-yeon had brought him here. It appeared to be a viewpoint of sorts, with well-worn railings installed at the edge of the mountain ridge road, and beyond it stretched an open vista.

A blue lake spread out beneath them. The sunlight, approaching the horizon, cast a soft orange glow that colored the sky and lake. Son Yeo-il instinctively exclaimed in admiration.

“Wow…”

“Right? Isn’t it amazing? Wait here for a bit.”

Won Hee-yeon seated Son Yeo-il on a roadside bench with the best view of the scenery and disappeared somewhere. Though the season was moving quickly from spring to summer, the mountainside at sunset was quite chilly.

Won Hee-yeon didn’t return for quite some time, so Son Yeo-il sat blankly on the bench. Being left alone made the cold wind seem to penetrate directly into his heart. He began to wonder if the other man would even come back.

Did he leave, telling me to stop having strange thoughts and come to my senses? Walking from here to home would certainly clear my head.

It was absurd, but the situation was so ridiculous that he couldn’t help but chuckle. Perhaps the cold wind had cleared his head, as he didn’t feel miserable or any self-loathing at the moment.

After waiting for quite some time, familiar footsteps began to approach, and Son Yeo-il turned his head. Won Hee-yeon was running toward him, waving his hand from a distance.

“Hey, husband! The sun is setting over there. You should be looking at that. Where are you looking?”

The moment he saw Won Hee-yeon’s welcoming face, Son Yeo-il realized why he hadn’t fallen into needless anxiety just now.

Though he had playfully harbored doubts like ‘Did he leave me behind?’, deep inside he must have believed that this person would never abandon him.

Won Hee-yeon’s finger pointed to the empty space beyond the railing, and Son Yeo-il turned his head again to look at the lake. By then, the sun had tilted further, and the boundary between the lake and sky was entirely red.

“Here, I prepared carrot and stick options. Which do you prefer?”

Having approached Son Yeo-il’s side, Won Hee-yeon held out two types of cans. A warm can of coffee and a cold can of beer. Son Yeo-il tilted his head to one side and asked.

“Which one is the carrot and which is the stick?”

“That depends on how you look at it.”

Son Yeo-il hesitated for a moment before choosing the can of beer. Although he had once thought he would never drink in front of Won Hee-yeon again, this seemed tame compared to what he had originally planned to do.

As he grasped the cold beer can with droplets of condensation beading on its surface, Son Yeo-il thought to himself, Ah, it’s cold. Before that single thought could even finish, Won Hee-yeon had unfolded a blanket and placed it over the other man’s knees.

“The beer I understand, but where did the blanket suddenly come from?”

“My pocket is Dora*mon’s pocket.”

“You even know Dora*mon?”

“Look here. You and I are exactly the same generation. And you know, I thought this would be better than coffee too. I was just wishing I hadn’t brought the car so I could have a drink myself. We’re totally in sync.”

When he lifted the beer can’s tab, there was a refreshing tsssk sound. Something that had been tightly clogged in his solar plexus felt partially washed away, and Son Yeo-il’s brow relaxed.

“Here’s to us.”

Won Hee-yeon, who had to drive, opened a can of coffee instead of beer and proposed a toast. Their cans met with a short, dull sound.

Son Yeo-il took a greedy swig of beer. The taste of the beer going down his throat was bitter and prickly. Looking ahead, the lake had changed its expression from moments before. The sun that had been slowly descending from the red and blue sky toward the lake soon became a very thin but brilliantly blazing line before disappearing below the water’s surface.

“…It’s setting.”

Son Yeo-il, who had been silently watching the sky until the sun completely set, muttered softly and looked to the side. Perhaps he had been watching Son Yeo-il’s face instead of the sunset again, as Won Hee-yeon had his head turned completely toward him.

“Beautiful.”

That comment was clearly about Son Yeo-il, not the sunset. Feeling a tickle in his heart, Son Yeo-il raised his beer can after a few sips.

“Yes. The sunset. Cheers.”

After the cans clinked, afraid that Won Hee-yeon might say something embarrassing again, Son Yeo-il took a long drink of beer. As the alcohol gently rose, the chilly wind felt just right.

The complicated and heavy feelings that had been deeply pressing on Son Yeo-il had disappeared. Son Yeo-il wasn’t shameless enough to pretend not to know it was all thanks to Won Hee-yeon. But due to how fickle the human heart actually was—while feeling grateful, he was also irritated by Won Hee-yeon’s all-too-skillful technique.

“Do you come here often to watch the sunset?”

I bet you’ve done this for many people before, right? Since what he really wanted to ask might cause unnecessary misunderstanding, Son Yeo-il asked indirectly. Won Hee-yeon shrugged his shoulders and replied.

“Haven’t come much lately. This place is perfect when your heart feels constricted, but since meeting you, how could my heart feel constricted?”

It seemed like Son Yeo-il, who complained daily and rarely went along with his wishes, would have been more of a headache for him, but Won Hee-yeon smiled brightly as if just looking at him was enough to make him happy.

“…Does Boss Won ever feel constricted too?”

“You think I wouldn’t?”

“No, it’s just that Boss Won is…”

An adult. That was what he was going to say, but it was actually funny. Son Yeo-il was an adult too. It had already been several years since he had become an adult, so he had nothing to say.