DI Ch 132

“If you didn’t like it, what would you gain by not saying anything? No, it’s not that I don’t like it, but you should still say something.”

“You wanted to get a dog.”

… I did? Sometimes this person says things as if they were obvious, leaving me completely flustered. Did I mention wanting to raise a dog when I was drunk or something? But I didn’t particularly like it enough to want to raise one…

I felt a soft tap on my thigh and lowered my head to see the dog playing with its paws. While I was distracted by its eyes following my movements, he turned the car back towards the way we came, maybe really heading home this time.

The silence in the car was broken when he turned the radio on softly. A dry, harsh song reminiscent of a cold wind slowly resonates. Perhaps because it was young, I turned my head to look at the little puppy who quickly dozed off. I got a little curious. What if we have weight in our hearts? Would it be similar?

“Why do you treat me so well, hyung?”

“You’re saying strange things. I do it because I love you.”

“….”

“I just do my best as much as I love you. I want to do my best while I can.”

Why do I feel shocked? Was it because instead of being good to him, I’ve only caused him pain? Was it because I hadn’t done anything for him?

When Tae Seong-je took time out of his busy schedule to do his best for me, I thought of my senior. Worrying about other people’s futures, being preoccupied with others’ lives, and missing what’s happening right in front of me. However, this did not help Woo Ji-min. In fact, compared to what one might think, his life was going exactly like a novel. In the end, I’ve spent time without accomplishing anything.

Tae Seong-je will never ruin Woo Ji-min’s life for my sake. But what should I do if compulsion and the flow of this world ultimately make him unhappy and lead to a predetermined ending?  Suddenly, fear crept in. Was this what Tae Seong-je was concerned about?

I forgot to even pet the dog and blankly spaced out. The joy I felt just moments ago vanished in an instant. Emptiness crawled up my knees, gripping my throat tightly. Then, I felt the warm body heat of the puppy breathing steadily under my palm with a rhythmic pattern. A violin melody brushed past my ears, and it dawned on me once again that the person I love is right beside me.

Everything felt peaceful. Except for my overly complex thoughts.

“They say it was the smartest and strongest one over there.”

“… What should we name it?”

“You name it.”

“…”

Gently scratching the forehead of the retriever, who was deeply asleep, I found myself lost in thoughts other than naming the puppy until we reached home, and eventually couldn’t come up with a name. I was contemplating whether I should seriously reconsider accepting help, even if the doctor couldn’t change Woo Ji-min’s life or mine.

I could definitely argue that I wasn’t crazy, but it was difficult to completely deny that something about me was broken. There was definitely an issue with my behavior. It was a realistic judgment, not self-criticism. If there was a problem, it needed to be fixed.

I wanted to be a better person for myself and the people who love me. I wanted to be someone who gives trust and confidence rather than worry, and I hoped to bring happiness rather than sadness. This feeling wasn’t exclusive to Tae Seong-je. It applied to Woo Ji-min, to Seo Seung-won’s parents, and to others as well. The fact that I had made them sad for so long tormented me. It felt daunting to know where to start, so I closed my eyes and let the feeling wash over me.

***

It’s high school again. The high school that Seo Seung-won attended, or used to attend. I couldn’t believe I was dozing off and dreaming while someone was driving next to me. I wanted to wake up quickly, but I kept looking at the cheerful sound of the bell and the classroom because I felt nostalgic for it.

As I stepped out of the classroom and into the hallway, I saw Lee Hyun-wook coming towards me. Well, he was probably on his way to his class. I looked at him dully, then glanced at my fist. I could feel a piece of paper underneath. I felt a strong urge to give it to him. This is Seo Seung-won’s past, and I’m following his childhood. I had no desire to rebel.

-What’s this?

I handed him the note as if pushing it into his chest. He seemed flustered just by me approaching him first, instead of observing me from afar as usual. I had nothing more to say, so I just walked past him. I went outside and sat on a bench, waiting for Lee Hyun-wook.

– Seo Seung-won!

I’ve seen him in this dream several times before, but this was the first time he looked so disheveled. He approached me panting with his breathing tangled up.

– Yeah.

-Ha, sh1t. Why are you so calm?

The person who approached me closely groaned and bent over deeply. A voice mixed with despair and relief was heard along with the sound of heavy breathing beneath the lowered head.

– Anyway, I’m relieved. I thought I was the only one who got reincarnated.

I wondered if there was any reason for this showing up now. I’m not trying to criticize anyone. It would be great if I had dreamed of this before meeting Lee Hyun-wook, or even before talking on the phone. In life, even if the timing is not right, it’s really off. Now that I think about it, I didn’t even apologize to him. … Huh? Wait a moment. Suddenly feeling strange, I stopped my train of thought. In the meantime, Lee Hyun-wook asked.

– When did you find out?

– A month ago?

– What, are you kidding?

Lee Hyun-wook exclaimed uncharacteristically. The conversation that followed was difficult for me to understand at once.  Although the words came from my mouth, the concept of a month ago was unknown to me. In my dreams, I was Seo Seung-won when he was young, but I was not him.

Therefore, it was impossible to know Seo Seung-won’s mind or thoughts. Not only was I dreaming about his past, but there were also memories that I didn’t know about. It was as if I’ve forgotten something, and I filled in the invisible blank space with my own imagination and guesses.

– No. I was doubtful, thinking it was just a dream. But when did you figure it out? You should have told me in advance. You kept staring at me.

– How can I say that?

– Is there anything you can’t say?

Lee Hyun-wook looked puzzled at the calm words.

– If there’s nothing you can’t say, why did you hesitate for a month and then tell me now? There’s nothing else going on here or there.

– But I was confused.

– About what?

– Seung-joon is a younger brother, not a younger sister.

Lee Hyun-wook’s eyes widened. It seemed like he heard this for the first time. So did I. My mind went blank for a moment after I blurted it out. What. Younger sister? No, damn it, younger sister?

***

“… Uh, sh. Uh, uh.”

I woke up with a groan. It’s a bed. I couldn’t quite remember when I was moved from the car to the bed, but it seemed like he had done it. I feel like a boss. I stood in front of the mirror like a zombie. I see myself. And there’s Seo Seung-won, who I’ve been wondering where he is.

F*ck this.

I groaned while rubbing my face and looked for my phone like a crazy person. The power went out. Why is the battery always dead? Irritated, I found the charger and plugged it in. I released my grip on the phone, which I had been clutching tightly.

Calling Seo Seung-joon, and then what should I say?

Do you know me? What do you know? Are you really who I think you are? Strangely, I didn’t feel as happy as I should have. Shouldn’t I be happy since he is the younger sibling I looked for so much in the past? Even though I have no memories, it felt odd. I wasn’t particularly surprised or delighted, which confused me even more.

As I was standing blankly in the dark, I felt a sign of presence through the slightly open door of my room. The sound of a knife hitting a cutting board, the blender turning, the sound of a cup or plate being put down, and… tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. No, was that the sound of grains of sand falling…?

“Puppy.”

My voice sounded hoarse. Was it swollen? As I felt my throat, I sensed bandages. Did he do it? Oh, I heard the sound of grains falling again. He brought a dog. A lovely retriever. The faint footsteps, each time the paws touched the floor, sounded cheerful, as if grains of sand were falling.

As I opened the door, I saw the back of my lover preparing meals and the puppy playing with a toy under his feet. The headache stopped, and a sense of fulfillment enveloped me. How could it be so perfect? Perfect happiness was right in front of my eyes.

“Sand.”

I muttered softly, and he turned around.

“Sand?”

He asked as he examined the floor. I grabbed the hem of his clothes and whispered, rubbing my forehead against his back.

“It’s a name. Let’s name him Sand.”

As the puppy, or rather Sand, chewed on the toy in its mouth and bounced it away, Sand hurriedly chased after it. It seemed full of energy. It was different from the first time I saw Sand, but its bright demeanor was even more pleasing to the eye.

As I slid down, passing through Tae Seong-je’s waist, thigh, and knee, I extended my palm while holding onto his leg. Then, Sand, who had been playing alone, eagerly ran over and spat out the toy onto my hand. I played with the toy and gently touched Sand’s head. It’s really smart.

“Well done. You’re a good boy.”

Its moist black nose was cute, so I tapped it lightly with my fingertip, and Sand licked it with its tongue. Sand was cute no matter what it did. I raised my hand and grabbed Tae Seong-je’s wrist. At the same time, he wrapped his hand around my wrist.

“They say that giving a lot of praise is good for mental health.”

As I raised my head, he immediately began stroking my hair with his free hand.

“Good boy.”

“No, I mean the puppy.”