DI Ch 138

While everyone else in this world found their footing and moved forward amidst confusion, I couldn’t. I struggled and lived like I was forced to scrape by for food on a deserted land, slowly losing my mind. There was no one around me. No one to explain what was happening, let alone lend a helping hand. I suffered alone.

“… Why you.”

Why didn’t you say anything?

The words that came up in my throat were so full of resentment that I gritted my teeth to hold them back.

Why did you just watch? When I was in the hospital. You could tell me when everyone said I was crazy or out of my mind. You must have known it was me. You could have noticed. You would have known before me, so why did you just watch? Why? You could have helped.

You could have told me that I was just born again.

Then, I wouldn’t have attempted suicide or anything like that to return home, and I wouldn’t have moved away from you, my parents, Park Kang-woo, or those guys and would have depended on them. I wouldn’t have gone to college where Woo Ji-min was, and I wouldn’t have lived like a puppet and held my breath just to see the ending.

Ah. I hate you so much.

The words that stuck in my throat were so bitter that I swallowed them with resentment. Also,  Too much time had passed to unload my pain on a child who would cry more pitifully than me, apologizing. What’s the point of saying anything now? Was I going to ask for my life back? Ridiculous.

Though they were both in casual clothes, they clearly looked like ordinary high school students with no special knowledge like Lee Hyun-wook. There’s no perpetrator. No one who made me suffer. It was like that from the beginning. I was just unlucky.

“…Hyung?”

Seo Seung-joon seemed restless as I kept my mouth shut before speaking.I quickly wiped my cheeks and managed my expression, swiftly changing the subject.

“Do you know why we ended up like this?”

“Ah, no.”

“We thought we were just reborn. Well, there was an accident. Do you remember?”

“…The building collapsed.”

I lost focus for a moment and quickly closed my eyes out of dizziness and fear. The ground beneath my feet sank and the building collapsed. Did I die then? Were we all in that building? Is this heaven? Some kind of reincarnation?

I let out a hollow laugh while rubbing my tired eyes. Reborn, huh. Talking just like Lee Hyun-wook. Comfortably starting over from the beginning. I’m envious to death. Death itself sounded so straightforward that all my past anguish felt like a waste of time.

“Really, sometimes, old memories come back to me. At first, I thought it was just a dream, but when I entered elementary school, I met Min-joo. That’s when I realized. And I thought we were the only ones starting over.”

“…”

“The neighborhood was the same, all the kids were there, you were there, Mom and Dad just had different faces but everything was really identical so I thought I had been reborn into the world I wished for. I don’t know why I was born a guy this time, but Mom and Dad were different too so what does it matter? If there were three of us like this it wouldn’t be that weird, right? Anyway, I couldn’t imagine there being anyone else besides us…”

What’s different?

“Whose face?”

“Huh?”

“No, you said their faces were different. What do you mean?”

“… Originally, dad’s face was more similar to mom’s over there, and mom’s face was more similar to dad’s over there. Hyung, don’t you…remember your past life, your old memories?”

How strange. It seemed he remembered everything.

“No, I don’t. You and I are a bit different. I didn’t even know my own name, I forgot everything. I had dreams of my past memories but couldn’t see any faces, so I was really frustrated. Oh, what’s your name?”

“Huh? Me. Me, Seo Yi-yeon…no, if you didn’t even know your name then how did you remember?”

“I just wrote it down.”

“Wrote?”

“Every day. No, I kept forgetting every second, so I wrote down everything I had and memorized it. Even when I memorized it I’d forget again, so I looked at it from time to time.”

I would probably forget it again anyway, but I was afraid that I would be a fool if I didn’t even have that memory. But I was too embarrassed to admit I did it because I missed them, and wanted to see them again.

“But it hurt too much so I couldn’t do it often.  If I was even a little down, my body would ache all over… Ah, see like this.”

I had a nosebleed for the first time in a long time, so I quickly took a handkerchief out of my pocket and covered my nose. Steady deep breathing for regular breathing, along with some appropriately positive thoughts. Thanks to that, the bleeding stopped quickly, but Seo Seung-joon’s condition seemed off.

“Why is it only you hurting, hyung?”

He blinked his unfocused eyes and muttered.

“Yeah. Why is it just me.”

I responded indifferently without thinking much. I was honestly tired of racking my brain over that issue.

Oh, I thought I’d be incredibly happy and relieved to see my younger brother again. It’s not as affectionate as I thought, it’s just, ‘Oh, okay. It’s you.’ It was closer to this feeling. Then what was it that I had missed so desperately? Was it the few remaining memories I clung to so ardently that made them seem glorified?

I was thirsty so I went to the kitchen to get some water and took out three cups. It would be okay to take out some water and drink it.

“Seo Yi-yeon. No. I’ll just call you Seo Seung-joon.”

“Yeah… I’m comfortable with that too.”

“Do you know why I read that novel to the end?”

I may have started reading it sincerely at first, but after a while, it didn’t really matter if I kept going or not. Still, I read it to the very last page. It seemed too quiet for a moment, so I stopped filling my glass and turned around to see Seo Seung-joon with his eyes wide open and his mouth open.

“It’s because of that person, what else. Hyung, you really don’t remember anything.”

He’s been talking about “that person” this whole time. Who is he talking about? Before I could ask, he was faster. Seo Seung-joon, who had been messing with his hair either grabbing his forehead or tugging at his hair, shook his hands frantically.

“Wait, hyung. Just a moment. You said you don’t remember any faces. Me neither, not even your own face?”

“Yeah.”

“…Then how do you meet that person?”

His gesture conveyed bewilderment and incredulity. I wish he could understand what I’m saying.

“Oppa, that, with Tae… Seong-je-ssi, how did you meet and are you still together?”

“I don’t know about you, but there’s some kind of force compelling me.”

It was a bit awkward to discuss my romantic partner with my brother’s friend, but I tried to explain as objectively as possible.

“The compulsion of the novel? I don’t fully understand it either, but it seems both you and I, well, Woo Ji-min too, are forced to follow the predetermined storyline. Whether we liked it or not, it ultimately played out as written.”

“No… ”

“At first I thought I had to see the ending like a game to be able to go ‘home’. So later in part 2, I worried about how I would pretend to fall in love with Tae Seong-je when we met. But your novel made us meet.”

“He, uh… As far as I know… He didn’t write a scene where you two met… Oppa and that person…”

“It seems like the parts that lack probability somehow get connected and created.”

While the book didn’t show why Woo Ji-min, who was so hurt and disgusted by people, ended up seeking out places with people, there seemed to be a backstory revealed upon directly meeting him in person. As I shrugged and replied, Seo Seung-joon furrowed his brows. I didn’t mean to criticize, but that’s how it came across.

“No, Hyung. That’s not it.”

“I used to stress out when I didn’t know, and it was the same when I found out, but still, don’t worry about it. Just a headache.”

“…”

I don’t know what he was trying to say to me, but he just pursed his lips like someone who was suddenly speechless. Gu Min-joo’s face also stiffened, and her bewildered eyes made me wonder if I said something strange, but it wasn’t that. The word “compulsion” sounded too frightening.

“But who is ‘that person’?”

Just as I was about to ask the question I’d been wanting to ask, there was the sound of someone entering the door code. Checking the time, I realized an hour had already passed.

It was time for Sand’s breakfast, so I should probably go home. I told the two to eat something first and meet them again later. …But such leisurely thoughts instantly vanished when I saw Tae Seong-je standing imposingly behind Woo Ji-min, who had turned away from me.

“Huh.”

I forgot to contact him!

One of the plastic cups I was holding dropped and spilled water on the floor. Why did the sunlit room suddenly feel so cold?

“…Clean up and get your bag.”

“Yes.”

I immediately responded to the cold command and moved quickly. I put down the cups I was going to give to the kids on the table, quickly wiped the floor, then packed my bag, and quickly put on my shoes. At the same time, I rushed to inform the dazed Seo Seung-joon and Gu Min-joo.

“I’ll contact you at lunch…no, dinner time. Go play somewhere. If it gets late, I’ll book you a room so go home tomorrow.”

I still had a lot of things to say, so I couldn’t send them off like this. I hurriedly ran out to make him not wait even just for a second, but then came back and burst out the words I had been holding back at the two of them.

“This doesn’t mean to do whatever you want, writing and distributing things without permission, seriously! Thank you for walking Sand, hyung. I’m leaving first, see you at school!”

I didn’t have time to listen to the answer, so I quickly left the place and ran out of the building. Tae Seong-je was leaning against the car and staring at me through the common entrance window. I paused to catch my ragged breath. With each step I took, I straightened out my tousled hair fluttering in the wind, and approached him.