DI Ch 189

“I did feel hurt. It wasn’t like so much time had passed or that I had changed as a person, yet you didn’t recognize me.”

“…”

“Even knowing you were in the most difficult situation, all sorts of thoughts crossed my mind. Had I changed so much that you couldn’t recognize me? Or did you not like me that much in the first place? Thoughts like that.”

“No, that’s not it.”

I intended to listen calmly and then speak, but I couldn’t help but voice my thoughts. But I didn’t regret it. I couldn’t stand him doubting the extent of my feelings, especially now that my memories had returned.

“I know. It’s not.”

“…It really isn’t!”

“Seo Seung-won. Don’t strangle me.”

Hearing his calm reprimand, I quickly realized I was gripping his neck with bulging veins and hastily let go. It wasn’t something to shout about, but something had made its way to my throat, and my voice had risen. Trying to calm down, I was soothed by him patting my butt gently.

“I didn’t mean I doubted you, just that all sorts of unreasonable thoughts crossed my mind. I know best how much you like me.”

“If you know, that’s enough. I like you a lot, so remember that well.”

I absent-mindedly traced his neck, feeling sorry for almost strangling him. But because I felt quite wronged at being doubted, my tone wasn’t gentle. I didn’t mean for it to, but the frustration from being doubted lingered. However, even though I spoke curtly enough to have no right to complain, he nodded at my words.

“Right. You even chased after me all the time, saying you liked me.”

I immediately understood he was talking about that other world. It was when I was trying desperately to hold onto the relationship I had lost by my own choice, which he pushed away saying he didn’t want it anymore.

“No matter how much I told you to leave, you ignored it and tried to sneakily hold my hand. I learned a lot from you.”

“Me? I did that?”

“You don’t remember?”

“I haven’t remembered everything yet… Oh, I just remembered one thing. When you pushed my hand away and I got hurt. I had a bruise then. Right?”

It was funny how excited I got remembering just that one thing, but I couldn’t help but laugh thinking about how he, six years younger than now, couldn’t take his eyes off my hand in bewilderment.

“Right, that happened. But I guess you don’t remember threatening to sue me if I didn’t go to the hospital with you, saying your wrist might be broken.”

“…”

“You were so gentle and quiet when you were young, but then you brazenly threatened me. I thought, this is why they say you never know what’s in a person’s heart.”

My cheeks burned hot. Just thinking about that time in that world made me feel nostalgic and my heart ache, but… threatening?

“No, maybe… maybe I thought it might really be broken, just in case…”

“If that were the case, you wouldn’t have tried to hold my hand on the way to the hospital. Even in the waiting room, with everyone watching, you kept holding my hand. I thought it was your ear that was hurt, not your hand, since you didn’t listen when I told you to stop.”

“…”

“You were pulling tricks as naturally as breathing, I wondered if you were really the Seo Seung-won I knew. Even when I told you to go in for the examination alone, you insisted on going in with the ‘perpetrator’. Who goes in with the perpetrator instead of a guardian? It was so absurd. I was so dumbfounded I said I was just going to leave, and you said to give you my phone number so you could sue me then.”

“…I guess it’s nice that you have such a good memory.”

A small shadow appeared on his moonlit pale cheek. I pressed my finger on the dimple and tried to recall more. As he recounted everything, the memories started coming back to me too. Coincidentally, it was April, just like now, when I started trying to hold his hand.

The reason I kept trying even when he refused wasn’t just because I wanted to hold his hand, but also because I had heard somewhere that feelings could develop because of cherry blossoms. It wasn’t completely groundless; I had calculated in my own way. I did it because I realized he still had feelings for me. Hoping that possibility would grow like snow.

“You acted crazy all the time as if your gentleness had all been an act.”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t do that.”

“But in your second year, you kept coming to see me and got kicked out of the dorm, remember?”

“…I did?”

I thought there’s no way I would have done such a crazy thing, but then I remembered. Yes, I did. Even though I attended lectures properly, as soon as they ended, I would pack up and go straight to his house. I stubbornly stayed there until I caught a cold, and he finally let me inside.

…Thinking about it now, it was a creepy thing to do. It’s natural to miss someone with unchanging longing when you meet them again, but stalking is clearly a crime. It was incredibly fortunate that he didn’t find me horrifying.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I’m sorry. You must have been really shocked.”

“I was a bit shocked. I didn’t expect you to like me that much. Seeing someone you liked when you were young again and realizing they’re not special is disappointing. But you still liked me, and that was surprising. Seo Seung-won, I told you not to choke me.”

“I’m sorry. But I wasn’t disappointed at all. Really. Why do you keep doubting my feelings? I almost threw up seeing how much more handsome you’ve become.”

“Seo Seung-won, calm down.”

“No, it’s true. I regretted letting someone like you go, but I wasn’t disappointed in you at all. If I had kept my promise then, you would have been mine long ago. So, I’m saying this, but I’m most looking forward to when you have white hair. It’s not sudden, I just didn’t know you could become even more handsome from there. They say handsome people become even more handsome as they age, and it’s true, so I was amazed. That’s why I’m looking forward to seeing you grow old.”

“…Thank you. I guess I’ll have to stay handsome even when I’m old, for your sake.”

“It’s okay. You were born with it, you don’t need to try.”

I was delighted. The love I regained after so much effort felt rewarding, and the fact that this person was mine made me incredibly happy. Life indeed should be lived diligently.

“If you see me in such a good light, I’ll have to stay handsome until the end so as not to disappoint you.”

“I told you I wasn’t disappointed. Oh, are you talking about the lie you told back then? About that rumor not being true?”

That rumor, the one about being the son of a gangster. No, how could he think I would be disappointed by something like that? And did he choose to be born into a gangster family? What could he do about being born there? My hyung is not at fault. I clenched my fist and declared.

“It’s not your fault, so why would I be disappointed? So what if you lied? You had a reason. You denied the rumors because many people sought you out after hearing them.”

Although it sounded like I was defending him, it was the truth. Even though he carried around an unusual rumor like a tag, he tried to graduate quietly without causing any trouble. I saw it clearly with my own eyes. Besides, he found it annoying to even get into arguments, saying there’s nothing more embarrassing than seriously fighting with kids.

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Just because a child grows up with abusive parents doesn’t mean they’ll all turn out the same. You know that, right?”

I pressed my forehead against his and nodded. That was a fear I once had, but he always reassured me effortlessly. I lost count of how many times he had done so. But his next words made me loosen my clenched fist.

“Just because someone is the child of a gangster doesn’t mean they’ll all become gangsters.”

“…”

“I could have lived a different life. Even here, I could have chosen another path. But I didn’t. I just thought this way of living might be interesting.”

He spoke as if reciting a poem. We walked beneath the pink cherry blossom branches with countless stars embedded in the deep blue sky, and a beautiful tiled-roof house as a backdrop, making it feel like we were wandering in a dream. However, Tae Seong-je kept trying to pull me back to reality. He could have let me live forever in a dreamlike fantasy if he wanted to, but he didn’t.

“When I pushed you away back then, even saying I didn’t like you, it wasn’t because I was angry at you.”

“…But you stood me up?”

When I muttered uncertainly about the graduation day, he replied indifferently.

“Who makes such a big deal about being stood up years ago? And getting that upset at seventeen over a broken promise is just petty.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I was embarrassed.”

“What?”

“I said I was embarrassed. You told me I’d be cool no matter what I did, remember?”

I nodded reflexively. I definitely did say that to him. I knew it was prejudice, but I thought most people went to college after graduating high school. So until I found out he had no intention of going to college, my biggest concern was his first choice of university. He seemed so relaxed even while studying with me during summer break, unlike a typical senior. Anyway, I believed he would do well even without college, so I told him that whatever he did, he’d be cool.

“But the first thing I did after graduating was gangster stuff. So I thought you’d be disappointed if you knew, and even if you weren’t…”

I couldn’t understand the rest of what he was saying as he spoke slowly in a low voice. He gritted his teeth and swallowed the rest of his words.

“Damn it, I knew that bastard you call a father was beating you like some gangster.”

“…”

I was at a loss for words. Comparing him to my father was unimaginable; he was so precious to me. I didn’t know how to respond, realizing he had been thinking this way. If I told him he was still cool to me, would he believe it? Do I really think that sincerely?

A spring breeze gently approached through the silence. I lowered my eyes, blaming the ticklish wind. Not long after, he suddenly stopped. Before I could look up, he turned around, and when I felt the ground, he had moved away from me.