DI Ch 202

Anyway, feeling like I should apologize again, I opened my mouth but then closed it. I remembered that repeated apologies are just words… Even if that wasn’t the case, I’ve said it so many times that it might seem insincere, and it might sound like I’m just saying it out of habit, so I couldn’t bring myself to part my lips. I need to stop. Otherwise, how am I any different from that Lee Hyun-wook?

As my thoughts wandered, they naturally drifted elsewhere. Meanwhile, Tae Seong-je seemed to have calmed down, sitting up and even turning off the water. But despite being soaked, his expression was utterly drained, almost vacant… I wasn’t sure if this counted as calming down, and that worried me.

“Um, since we’re all wet anyway, should we just take a shower? I’ll wash your hair for you. Turn around, hyung. I’ll do everything. Let me do it.”

As I fumbled to speak, his vacant gaze finally shifted to me.

“Seung-won-ah.”

“Yes.”

“Just stay still…”

“Okay…”

He silently watched as I drooped my shoulders, then he wiped his face a few times as if washing up before starting to wash my hair instead.

It was the first time we’d ever washed together, staring at each other like this in a bathroom full of steam and a heavy atmosphere. It was a little awkward, sitting on the bathroom floor like this, still fully clothed, using shampoo. But this smells more like body wash. I sniffed and secretly glanced at his complexion.

I wanted to ask if he was okay, but it seemed like he didn’t even know his own state, and it felt inappropriate to directly ask about his mental state… What should I do?

I guess, in this situation, I need to pull myself together even more.

“Hyung.”

“What?”

“From now on, I’ll do better. I’ll really take care of things. I won’t get hurt or sick, so… don’t be so… sad about it.”

“…”

“…Hyung?”

When I told him not to be sad, he started playing with my hair. I quietly endured with a serious face as he stopped washing my hair midway and started doing strange things like parting it or pushing it all back. What is he doing?

“The things you couldn’t say because you were thinking of me…”

He trailed off, then nodded slightly and continued.

“I know. I understand. I would have done the same. I wouldn’t have been able to say it either.”

So, he understands, but isn’t okay with it? His empty gaze made me anxious, so I slowly climbed into his lap. Telling him to do whatever he wanted with me. To touch me more, to play more. I was sincere, so I even squeezed more body wash onto my head. I’ve heard that just playing with mud can be calming for the mind and body, so I thought this might become some kind of therapy too.

Whether it helped or not, I had the illusion that life was returning to his eyes. But just as I was about to feel relieved, he spoke in a crooked voice, full of self-deprecation.

“I’m sorry for getting angry earlier. I wasn’t mad at you. You know that, right?”

“I know. But I would have understood even if you were angry at me.”

“No. I have a lot of things I don’t say too. It’s funny that I’m only doing this to you.”

“…What?”

What’s this?

“Hyung, is there something you haven’t told me? What is it?”

I was startled and pressed him for an answer, but his gaze suddenly turned mischievous, and he looked away as if teasing me.

“There is. But I’m not going to tell you.”

“But I, I told you everything…”

Ah. Maybe not everything. I stopped feeling wronged and tried to recall. What else haven’t I told him?

“As you said, just don’t get sick. Yeah, as long as you’re healthy, that’s all that matters.”

While I was thinking deeply, he burrowed into my arms and said with a tired sigh. The last part sounded almost like he was talking to himself. I hugged his wet head tightly and stroked his back. His damp dress shirt felt a bit cold.

“I will. I’ll stay healthy and live with you for a long, long time.”

“…Don’t drink alcohol.”

“Ah. I told you I won’t. It’s been so long since I’ve even touched it.”

Even though I felt it was unfair, I couldn’t really argue, knowing I was guilty. But couldn’t we at least drink together? I’d like to share a few glasses of wine with him when we’re alone and in a good mood.

“Close your eyes, the foam will get in.”

He got out of my arms and playfully tapped my cheek with his foam-covered hand. I thought about the old days and felt a ticklish sensation, so I just let the soapy bubbles stay on my cheek.

“Speaking of drinking…”

“Yes.”

“You really need to stop the habit of accepting things from people so easily.”

“Hmm.”

I don’t have that habit, though? Oh, maybe I’m supposed to live like that here. I’ve seen it a lot in movies. Drugs in drinks, poison in food. If I’m going to live with a gangster as a lover for life, I should take this kind of advice to heart, so I nodded first.

“Or get permission from me. No, just… don’t think about eating everything that’s given to you by someone you know. Just eat good, nutritious things properly. I’ve been getting you all sorts of good things to eat from here and there, but you don’t eat those and why do you try to eat strange things instead? It’s frustrating…”

I don’t eat strange things…

“You don’t get healthy just by exercising. You need to eat well too. Study hard without getting distracted and attend school properly. Don’t go around alone, it’s dangerous. I’ll assign someone to accompany you to school every time, so from now on, go together without fail. You know how dangerous the world is.”

“Yes…”

“Don’t just answer well.”

“…”

“Don’t talk to strangers who approach you. If anything happens, contact me immediately. Even if it’s stuffy, dress warmly. If it’s hot, don’t go out, and if you’re going out, tell me where you’re going in advance. Pull yourself together, and stop doing weird things.”

I found myself kneeling on his lap, being scolded. I was glad he was back to his usual self—really glad—but what was this? Is this how we always were?

“Don’t act recklessly just because you feel better. I… I don’t expect much from you. Just stay healthy, that’s all.”

Liar… You expect so much… Is this sarcasm?

Thinking he was waiting for an answer, I responded with a kiss instead, which seemed to please him as a small dimple appeared on his face. Seeing that reassured me, and I kissed him again, this time with more confidence. Thank goodness, he seemed to have calmed down.

Strangely enough, that was when I found it hard to look him in the eye. What if I’d caused him so much trouble that he started to resent me? I didn’t want to spoil the fragile calm that had returned, so I clamped my mouth shut out of habit. I realized that’s why I hadn’t made any progress.

Let’s just talk about everything now, without hiding anything. Even the trivial things.

“Hyung, by any chance…”

Even so, asking if he had grown to dislike me or hate me was quite difficult. Was there any point in confirming something that would only hurt me? Maybe I shouldn’t ask. I wasn’t asking if his feelings for me had changed, but it still made me nervous. It was just that I’m consistently troublesome, both there and here, not listening well, and there might be parts of me he doesn’t like…

I thought it was nonsense to say you were only good to your lover and not to others. It was about one’s nature. So I must have shown my cold, indifferent side to him too, and even if it wasn’t intentional, I must have hurt him. I didn’t know if it was something that could be fixed even if I tried, but I firmly decided that if he said he disliked it, I would have to fix it somehow.

“This is just a light question, but…”

“What is it?”

“It’s nothing much, but you need to tell me clearly.”

“Can I answer in advance?”

“Huh?”

He spoke lightly, his voice still rough, making my earlier tension seem pointless. However, there was no hint of playfulness.

“No. That can’t be. You know how much I like you.”

“How did you know what I was going to ask…”

“It’s obvious at times like this. Now tilt your head back so I can rinse it.”

“Ah, okay.”

As he washed away all the foam, it felt like my worries were being washed away too. Ah. I guess I was thinking about unnecessary things again. I see. My heart felt much lighter. As I was about to take off my clothes to wash properly, he casually spoke.

“So what was it?”

“Um… I was just wondering if you’ve grown to dislike me or lost interest…”

“See? I told you it was obvious.”

“Ah, ouch. It hurts.”

Tears welled up as he firmly grabbed and pulled my cheeks. He told me not to get hurt, but he’s the one hurting me. I held my throbbing cheek, staring at him in protest, and he smirked. His smile and the atmosphere felt a bit sad, maybe because just a moment ago he had looked a bit lonely.

“There’s no room for me to hate you. Even though you drive me crazy, you never do anything hateful.”

“…Hyung.”

“Yes. I love you too.”

He answered again before I could even say anything. Still, I hugged him tightly, squeezing so hard I might burst from happiness.

“I love you so much that sometimes it drives me crazy.”

“It’s okay. That’s normal. I’m the same.”

When our fingertips had finally wrinkled, he said,

“If there’s anyone who should be full of resentment and hate, it should be you, not me.”

“Why me?”

“I don’t know why you keep forgetting so easily… Back then, from when we met again until just before you died, I was the one who made things hard for you.”

Standing in the scorching sun with a bouquet was certainly tough. Aside from people’s stares, I’ve always been weak to heat, so the August heat was really terrible. Other than that, well. There’s nothing particularly to resent.

“It’s true that I was hurt when you said you didn’t like me even though you did. Um, of course, I was sad at first, but actually, towards the end, I enjoyed it. So it’s okay.”

“…Enjoyed it?”

I know I shouldn’t think this, but when Hyung was angry, even though it was scary, it was also kind of sexy.  Of course, I liked it when he was gentle and kind, like now or back in high school. Yeah, I liked it, but when he was rough, it made my heart race, and I got excited… It was different and thrilling, and it made me want more.

“You little—”

He looks like he has a lot to say, but his tightly closed lips twist crookedly. I awkwardly watch his contorting expression and awkwardly scratched my chest. It was embarrassing to feel my heart race at moments like this.