HWAMB — Chapter 11

Jin-gyeong hesitated and lowered the hand he had reached out toward me.

“It’s okay…”

“We’ll go our own way, so you should go yours.”

Cutting off Jin-gyeong’s concerned words, Hyun-woo spoke coldly and turned in the opposite direction.

Leaving Jin-gyeong behind, Hyun-woo held onto me and led me toward the lounge.

He seated me on a chair and bought a bottle of water from the vending machine.

I struggled to calm my pounding heart.

Tick, tick.

The second hand of the wall clock moved diligently, and with time, my shaken nerves slowly began to settle.

Though I still felt nauseous, it was better than before.

I leaned my head against Hyun-woo’s stomach as he pressed the cold bottle against my cheek.

“Thanks…”

“…”

“I’m still… a bit scared of elevators.”

It was strange that even now, I was like this.

Yet despite my self-deprecating words, Hyun-woo didn’t laugh at me.

I had no idea what had just happened, what kind of expression Jin-gyeong had made, or even what kind of face I was making toward Hyun-woo.

“…Since when did it get this bad?”

“…”

“You used to just get uncomfortable, that’s all.”

After a long silence, Hyun-woo finally asked in a low, heavy voice, pressing his emotions down.

The truth was, my claustrophobia had gotten much worse starting in my first year of middle school.

I’d gone to a friend’s house and taken the elevator, but that day I collapsed, dizzy and gagging.

It was the first time since the accident when I was little.

Back in elementary school, I thought I only disliked tight, closed spaces because they felt unpleasant. But I realized it was worse than that.

That day, I learned how serious it was. Since then, I avoided elevators, avoided narrow spaces without windows. I only ever used stairs, so I couldn’t even dream of going into tall buildings.

Of course, I never told Hyun-woo or my brother. I didn’t want to talk about it.

I tried not to look worn out in front of Hyun-woo, making an effort to act fine.

“Well… it’s been a while, but… I’m okay…”

“Okay? How’s any of this okay? Eun-jae, let’s get you treated before it gets worse.”

“No. I told you, I’m fine.”

“Kang Eun-jae.”

“How am I supposed to explain it to my brother? I’d feel too guilty.”

“What do you even have to feel guilty about with him?”

“He’ll worry, won’t he! I hate that!”

Overcome with emotion, I looked up at Hyun-woo, eyes burning hot, surely red and swollen.

I knew I was lashing out at the wrong person. Hyun-woo hadn’t done anything wrong—he was only worried about me.

Hyun-woo said nothing.

“…It’s not that bad. I can manage.”

“You can’t even step into an elevator, and you’re saying it’s not that bad? What bullshit.”

Faced with his anger, the words “I’m fine” stuck in my throat.

Hyun-woo was furious. Even someone like me, slow to notice people’s moods, could tell just how angry he was.

It felt like being struck on the head with a blunt weapon.

I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

If I kept dwelling on it, I could still hear the deafening crash from that day right by my ear, as vividly as ever. I pressed my temple and frowned.

“Fine, fine… I’ll look into it later.”

“Later? Stop saying weird shit. Do it now.”

“That’s not what I meant…”

Swallowing a sigh, I stopped myself from trying to explain. The atmosphere was growing more and more oppressive.

I knew exactly why Hyun-woo was saying all this.

I understood, but… I was just angry at how everything kept turning out this way.

Angry that I let it show like an idiot.

“Don’t force me. It’s my body—I’ll deal with it myself.”

“…What?”

“And don’t push me like that. Easy for you to say. You’ve never… gone through anything like this, you don’t know.”

“…”

“Sometimes I dream about that accident. And every time I do, I think… What if my parents had lived instead of me? If they had, my brother wouldn’t have to suffer like this…”

My voice, cold as ice, was so cruel that even I flinched at it.

Hyun-woo closed his mouth. I didn’t want to see his face, so I kept my eyes down on the floor.

He stayed silent.

To be honest, I didn’t have the courage to tell anyone about this trauma, nor did I want to pour it all out to some counselor.

I was afraid.

I hated my own weakness and stupidity, but at the same time, I was angry at Hyun-woo for poking at my fragile heart.

Even after I got up, brushed past him, and ran out of the lounge, Hyun-woo stayed frozen like a stone, unmoving.

* * *

‘Why did I do that…’

It had already been two days since Hyun-woo and I had been stuck in this cold war.

Lying in bed with the lamp still on, I thought about it for a long time.

I should’ve held it in a little longer.

Feeling empty inside, a chill crept over me, and I curled up.

Like an idiot, I’d lashed out and ended up doing something I regretted. I had buried my wounds deep, terrified they might resurface, only for them to be exposed to one of the very people I most wanted to hide them from.

And to make it worse, I treated Hyun-woo badly, as if his words had struck right at the core.

Even though I knew all of this, I still hadn’t apologized. Instead, I’d been avoiding him more and more.

‘I know he’s worried, but still…’

Even when I resolved to apologize, every time I ran into him after that day, Hyun-woo would chase after me with such a terrifying intensity that I’d end up running away without even realizing it.

It was because I was afraid of what would come next.

So each time, I would just mutter to myself, ‘Fine. I’ll wait until Hyun-woo cools down a bit, then I’ll apologize.’

But sleep never came easily.

Because I kept thinking about Hyun-woo’s words: that I should get treatment.

“Should I… maybe do it during vacation…? No, wait, I have to work part-time, what am I saying…”

If I did, it would definitely turn into long-term treatment, which meant the cost would be enormous. Just imagining the staggering amount made me shiver.

Of course, if it were Hyun-woo, he’d definitely offer to pay. But I couldn’t keep depending on his family’s help forever.

Even now, I already felt so guilty and burdened…

And soon, I’d be in my third year of high school, with college entrance exams to prepare for…

I wouldn’t have the time, and above all, I didn’t have the money.

I shook my head and turned over to face the other side.

Then it struck me that all of these thoughts were nothing but excuses.

The truth was, I just wasn’t ready yet. Money, time, my brother’s worry—those were all secondary.

‘Anyway… tomorrow, I’ll definitely… say I’m sorry.’

Fidgeting with my hands under the blanket, I rolled over to face the wall.

Just making that resolution eased my heart a little, and I was finally able to fall asleep.

Even by lunchtime the next day, after spending all night determined to apologize, I still hadn’t managed to see Hyun-woo once.

From morning on, as if fate itself had arranged it, we kept missing each other.

Back when I was avoiding him, we ran into each other so often it was suffocating. But now that I’d made up my mind, seeing him felt harder than ever.

I thought about catching him during break time, but today of all days, I kept being called to the teachers’ office and couldn’t find the chance.

On my way back to class after running an errand for the homeroom teacher, Yeong-ho blinked at me and asked,

“You look pretty drained lately. You okay? Something wrong?”

“Huh? Ah… no. Nothing’s wrong.”

At my weak reply, Sang-su, who had been playing Halli Galli nearby, cut in.

“Must be because of midterms. You can tell just by looking at him. Unlike us, he actually gets good grades.”

“Lucky guy. Kang Eun-jae, you don’t even look like the type, but you ace everything… Me, if my scores drop any further, my mom’s gonna kill me.”

“Kill you? Nah, she’ll just sign you up for more cram schools.”

The four of them laughed together, their game cards slapping noisily on the desk.

Sang-su glanced at me.

“Anyway, you done with the homeroom errands? We’re playing for snack bread—wanna join?”

“No, I’ve got one more. Gotta drop these off at the home ec room.”

Noticing the stack of files I was carrying, Sang-su asked if I wanted help, but I shook my head and lifted the pile on my own.

Normally I might have joined in their joking, but today I just wasn’t in the mood.

Leaving the noisy classroom, I felt the cool breeze slip through the open hallway windows.

A sigh escaped me.

Once I dropped these off at the home ec room, I promised myself I’d finally find Hyun-woo.

“He must’ve felt hurt by what I said… maybe he’s really angry…”

As I hurriedly rounded the corner, turning over in my mind what to say, how to apologize, I bumped into someone.

The files I was holding scattered across the floor. Kneeling down, I rushed to gather them while apologizing.

“Ah, sorry. Are you hurt—”

“…You piece of trash.”

The voice was quiet, but clear. Too deliberate to be a slip of the tongue—I almost couldn’t believe my ears.

When I looked up, Jang Jae-ho was standing over me, his lips curling unpleasantly.

Back in middle school, I’d once seen that same look on someone’s face.

As my confused gaze lingered, Jae-ho seemed to realize he’d actually said it aloud. Startled, he raised a hand to cover his mouth, looking uneasy.

My cold stare must have gotten through to him, because he tried to cover it up with a lame excuse—“Ah, that was…”—but it was too late.

What’s spoken can’t be taken back, and I couldn’t just cut away the ears that heard it.

Clicking his tongue, his expression turned sour.

“Damn it… annoying bastard…”

Lashing out because things weren’t going his way—he didn’t look good doing it.

Starting a fight himself and then getting angry about it wasn’t even funny. Wanting to avoid a big scene before exams, I suppressed my anger and spoke calmly.

“Why’ve you been like this? Did I do something to piss you off?”

Jae-ho only bit his lips, refusing to answer.

Ever since he got beaten up by Hyun-woo in the infirmary, he had been openly avoiding me.

With dark shadows under his eyes, he looked both exhausted and irritated.

But no matter how hard I thought about it, I couldn’t recall ever wronging him.

I waited patiently, but all he did was glare at the files in my hands.

Already preoccupied with Hyun-woo, my head was too full. Letting out another sigh, I picked up the last of the scattered files and stood.

“Then don’t just sulk to yourself. Say it. If it’s something I did wrong, I’ll apologize.”