IDESGI Chapter 43

Chapter 43

Yeoul tried to stand up slowly, but his legs gave out and he collapsed back down. After several more attempts, he finally managed to rise and head toward the living room. He dropped heavily onto the sofa and let out a long breath.

“Hoo…”

The deep sigh came all the way from his core. He couldn’t tell if it was his stomach aching or if his heart was in so much pain it felt like it might burst. His whole body hurt. Everything was a complete mess.

He leaned his head back against the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. The white light stung his eyes. As the light hit his pupils, tears began to fall reflexively. They slid down silently, without even a sob. He left them be. He didn’t have the strength to wipe them away. It felt like his heart had melted and was running down his cheeks.

His unfocused gaze wandered until it landed on the bookshelf. Among dozens of books, one caught his attention.

“To You Who Are Lonely Again Tonight”

Yeoul reached out and pulled the book free. It was an essay collection he had once lent to Ihan.

‘Now that I think about it, he used this as an excuse to invite me over.’

He had said he wanted to return the book, but once Yeoul was at his place, Ihan devoured him whole. Yeoul had known it was just a ploy, but pretended not to and went anyway.

He liked Ihan.

Even knowing he shouldn’t, he liked him so much he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“An S-Class Esper and a C-Class Guide don’t suit each other.”

He’d even heard that said to his face. If people talked like that in front of him, he could only imagine what they said behind his back. He let out a faint, bitter laugh.

And still, I liked you.

Enough to ignore the difference in our positions, enough to turn away from the world’s stares. I liked you that much.

But I shouldn’t have.

I got greedy and bonded with you, and what did it lead to?

Yeoul had lost Ihan twice already. There couldn’t be a third time.

In the crumbling wreckage of his grief, Yeoul slowly closed and opened his eyes.

“You make me unhappy.”

He remembered saying those words earlier. Letting out a soft, deflated laugh, he thought—

A lie.

It had all been a lie.

Every moment with Ihan had been good. Even though not a single moment in this reunited life had been without hardship, just the fact that he could breathe under the same sky as Ihan filled him with a fierce joy. That was the kind of person Ihan was. He had always made Yeoul happy.

Turning the pages slowly, Yeoul found a sky-blue envelope tucked between them.

‘What’s this?’

He took it out and unfolded the letter inside. The handwriting was Ihan’s.

Hello, Yeoul.

If you’ve found this letter, it means you’re thinking about me at least a little, right?

This is the first book you ever lent me. At least it means you haven’t forgotten that. You gave it to me when I said I was struggling with mild insomnia. You told me you sometimes couldn’t sleep either, and that this was the book you read at those times.

Reading it, I thought of you. And I realized—

You’ve been lonely every night, too.

I wanted to be the moon that lit up your nights.

But the one who lit up my endless darkness was you.

Yeoul, if I could give light another name, it would be yours.

If I could die in your dazzlingly gentle arms, that would be my best day.

If you loved me by my side, I could do anything for you. Truly, anything.

I’d dedicate my whole life to making you happy, to keeping a smile on your face forever.

Because ever since I met you, that’s how it’s been for me, too.

Compared to what you’ve given me, what I can give you is pathetic.

Still, Yeoul, will you accept this worthless love?

Though my footsteps are stained black rather than pure white, my feelings for you are always sincere. I swear it.

I’ll be the one to give you the most, the greatest love you could ever receive.

I’ll gladly do that for you.

But you keep trying to leave me.

If you were going to throw me away, you shouldn’t have smiled at me. You shouldn’t have become my universe.

I’m sorry for blaming you, but you really shouldn’t have done this to me.

You’re the one who saved me when I was dying.

You have to take responsibility until the end.

No, it’s all my fault.

Yeoul, please, don’t leave me.

I don’t want this small bunker to be our whole world.

I just want to be the home you can come back to.

The way you are for me.

If being with me is so unbearable, then kill me. At least then I could remain forever inside your guilt.

I’m sorry my love is this selfish. I love you.

Please, give me the chance to atone at your side for the rest of my life.

I don’t know how to end this. Even if I felled an entire mountain to use as paper, it wouldn’t be enough to write my heart out. The dictionary is far too thin to hold the words to describe it.

If it’s too long to remember it all, will you just remember this one thing?

I love you, Yeoul.

Don’t leave me.

I love you. I love you, truly… I love you.

A teardrop fell, and the words “I love you” blurred into a round, spreading stain.

Ihan loves me.

That fact had always brought me complete satisfaction. Even now, when the knowledge that he loves me feels unbearably hopeless, I still felt joy in Ihan’s feelings for me.

Ihan, do you know? My light is you, too.

I was like dust drifting in space, and you pulled me in with your gentle gravity. Every day I spent with you shone so brightly that every single moment felt like a miracle to me.

I wanted to become the satellite that stayed near you, orbiting in the warmth of your kindness that lit up the night.

But I can’t do that. I would only harm you. If I would ruin everything you are, then—

Gladly, joyfully—

I’ll break myself.

Yeoul had been measuring the timing of his death for a long time. It was only after reading the letter that he finally decided when.

It was time to die.

* * *

He couldn’t die in front of Ihan. That would be too cruel. So it had to be somewhere far from him, quietly, alone. Preferably somewhere the body would never be found.

Yeoul wrote a short note and slipped it into the sky-blue envelope. After placing the book back on the shelf, he waited for Ihan to return.

It wasn’t long before Ihan came back to the bunker. His eyes were swollen from crying, making him look almost painfully cute and lovable.

He fidgeted nervously, watching Yeoul’s expression.

“Yeoul, I’m sorry. I grabbed you too hard earlier, didn’t I? Your shoulder’s not hurt, is it?”

Seeing the rawness around Ihan’s eyes made Yeoul feel like he might burst into tears—but he didn’t. He turned away coldly and walked past him.

“Are you really that mad? I think I must’ve been out of my mind earlier. I’m really sorry.”

Flustered, Ihan grabbed his wrist and apologized over and over. Yeoul pushed him away with an icy tone.

“I’m going to wash up. Let go.”

“Oh… okay. Go ahead.”

Leaving Ihan behind, Yeoul stepped into the bathroom. The doorknob was broken, so he shut the shower curtain and turned the faucet to the cold side. Chilled water poured over his body.

He pressed his nose to the wrist faintly scented with Ihan’s smell. The faint trace of him was quickly washed away by the stream of water. The cold soaked deep into Yeoul’s body, lowering his temperature steadily.

It took Ihan forty minutes to realize something was wrong.

“Yeoul, you’ve been in there a long time. Do you need anything?”

From beyond the door came his sharp reply.

“Leave me alone. I just want to be by myself.”

Thirty more minutes passed before Ihan’s voice came again, uneasy.

“You didn’t fall asleep in there, did you? It’s been a while.”

“…I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”

Another hour went by. Ihan could no longer hold back and opened the door.

“This is way too long. Come out now.”

“I said I’m fine.”

Yeoul’s voice trembled faintly from beyond the shower curtain. Ihan sighed and turned to leave—then froze.

Why was it so cold? The inside should’ve been filled with warm steam. He yanked the shower curtain open.

“Yeoul!”

Yeoul’s lips were an alarming shade of blue. Ihan quickly shut off the water and wrapped him in a towel. His body was icy cold. Holding him close, Ihan carried him to the bed. As he dressed him and wrapped him in blankets, Yeoul struggled weakly to push him away.

“Let go.”

“…Why are you doing this, Yeoul? What for?”

“What’s it… to you…”

He didn’t finish. His consciousness slipped away.

“Yeoul!”

Ihan pressed his ear to Yeoul’s chest. His heartbeat was faint and slow—too slow. He needed a doctor. Without hesitation, Ihan teleported out of the bunker with him in his arms.

The place fell silent after they were gone. Then Yeoul’s eyes snapped open.

“Ugh…”

His body felt like waterlogged cotton, heavy and sluggish. Moving with his lowered body temperature was agony. He dragged a dining chair from the kitchen over to the air vent and struck the wall hard.

Again and again, until the wooden chair finally broke. His palm was bleeding from where the jagged edges had scraped him. Grabbing one of the broken chair legs, he worked to widen the vent opening.

He knew he could never escape this way. He had tried once before—there was no way to crawl through. This was just for show. But not for Ihan’s eyes.

When the chair leg broke too, Yeoul began pounding the vent frame with his bare fists. His hands grew redder with every blow.

After many long minutes, Ihan returned—with Yushin and a doctor in tow.

“Yeoul!”

Seeing him punching the wall, Ihan rushed over and wrapped his arms around his waist to stop him. Yeoul kicked and shouted.

“Let go!”

“Please, Yeoul, stop this! Your hands are covered in blood, and your body’s freezing!”

“Let me out of here! I said let me out!”

Exhausted but still screaming, Yeoul looked utterly desperate. Ihan forced him onto the bed, holding him tight. The doctor glanced at Ihan uncertainly before clearing his throat.

“Ahem… the patient is extremely agitated. I’ll administer a sedative.”

“Let go! I said let me go!”

Holding down his thrashing limbs, Ihan gave the doctor a nod.

“Do it now.”

“Let me go! Just let me go already!”

The doctor hesitated, approaching slowly. Ihan snapped at him.

“What are you waiting for? Give him the shot! He needs treatment!”

Finally, the doctor drew the syringe and injected the sedative. Yeoul fought until the very last moment before losing consciousness.

Just before he blacked out, he reached toward Yushin, who was standing in the back, watching all of it with a stunned expression.

“Please… get me out of here… I’m begging you…”

As Yeoul closed his eyes, he saw guilt flood Yushin’s face.

He hoped that everything he’d just done had been enough to earn Yushin’s sympathy.