INM 4 Part 4

For a while we both waited for the other to speak. It was Maria who broke the silence in the car.

“I thought you would notice if I signed my name.”

“To make an excuse, in my family, except for my mother and me, everyone has a different last name.”

Realizing the foolishness of my excuse, I quickly added.

“And, I just recently learned Alan’s last name.”

Maria had listened to my words with dry eyes, but at the mention of Alan’s name, she suddenly burst into tears. In contrast to my bewilderment, she smiled resignedly without wiping away her tears.

“Don’t worry about it. I haven’t been able to control myself lately.”

“Maria…”

“I somehow get through my days, driven by the mask of a mother. But maybe I don’t manage to keep up the pretense of being a normal mother as much as I think I do.”

She spoke calmly, wiped away her tears, and turned her body to face me.

“As you may have noticed, I am Alan’s mother. Luke, thank you so much for being his friend when he was alive.”

“That’s my line. I enjoyed being with Alan. It’s a real shame about the thing that happened to Alan. A real, real shame.”

Maria seemed to savor my words for a moment. Her mouth tightened as if enduring something, then she relaxed and smiled again.

“Maria, you didn’t really want to ask about interior design, you wanted to talk about Alan, right?” 

To my surprise, Maria shook her head.

“I came to see you because I couldn’t bear to do nothing. In life, I hardly did anything for that child, yet I clung to the role of mother.”

She is a very intelligent person after all. She is just very frustrated at the moment. 

“In the end, I was just spinning my wheels alone, playing the foolish mother. I even got you into trouble.”

“Maria. It is no trouble for you to reach out to me.”

I refuted quickly, and Maria blinked as if blinded by the light. She didn’t seem to accept my rebuttal at all.

“How did you find out about me? Alan didn’t tell you, did he?”

“I originally heard about you from Jane. She mentioned finding an interesting interior designer, but said she couldn’t introduce you to just anyone.”

“I hear that a lot.”

Maybe I really need to take a class on how to choose your words.

As I sulked, Maria flashed a fleeting smile and continued.

“I forgot for a while, but when the police questioned my husband, he mentioned your name. That’s when I remembered.”

“What? It wasn’t you but your husband who knew my name?”

This was completely unexpected. Alan avoided his father completely. I can confidently say that Alan never willingly talked to his father about me.

Maria seemed to quickly understand my surprise and curiosity and immediately added an explanation.

“He mentioned that he could check the information on the child’s device from his own device. He seems to be well versed in that kind of information due to his profession.”

“Yikes…”

I swallowed a small cry that escaped involuntarily. Alan’s extensive measures to protect his information were completely justified.

“Um, may I ask what your husband’s profession is?”

“He’s a lawyer.”

Maria answered my question with a dismissive tone. I was surprised. I had imagined someone fanatical, neurotic and uncomprehending. Of course, there are plenty of muscular lawyers out there, but it was still unexpected.

“So Alan told you about us, right?”

From my reaction, Maria seemed to understand that I knew something about Alan’s family situation. With confident words, Maria continued, and after a moment of hesitation, I nodded reluctantly.

“Well, yes. A little about his father.”

“It’s a terrible household. The house wasn’t working to protect the child. I knew it was all wrong, that we couldn’t go on like this, but I was so preoccupied with my own problems that I got used to the situation.”

I couldn’t say anything and sat up straight in the passenger seat, staring blankly at the dashboard in front of me.

Whether Maria noticed my tense expression or not, she continued to speak calmly, looking ahead.

“I forgot until the child died. But now, every single horrible scene comes back to me vividly… up to the moment when he gave up everything.”

Unable to bear it, I dropped my eyes to the floor. The somewhat nice black sneakers I had chosen to go with today’s pants. I thought in the back of my mind that I should have worn dress shoes instead.

“I’m sorry to burden you with such a story.”

“It’s okay. You probably need to be honest with someone.”

“You are kind.

“Go on if you want.”

Maria’s smile tightened at my words.

“The truth is, it’s just the same old things that anyone who has lost someone dear would think. Really, just banal and ordinary things. Why did that child have to die? Why wasn’t it my husband or myself? I wanted to die instead. If only he could breathe again, I wouldn’t have any regrets in this world. In this hopeless world, I can’t go on…”

Her words trailed off unnaturally. “Ah”, after a moment, Maria seemed to realize something and muttered softly, her voice was as black as a void, devoid of all emotion.

“I’ve always wanted to escape this suffering, to die… I can’t believe it. Even now, all I can think about is myself…”

Her words of deep despair left me completely speechless. As someone who had lived with my own problems, I had no words to offer a mother who had lost her child.

And yet, what happened to me? As if possessed, I found myself compelled to speak to her.

“But you sent him to university, didn’t you?”

My voice trembled pathetically, embarrassed.

Startled by my own words, I stared even harder at my sneakers. But unable to bear the longer than expected silence, I glanced at her cautiously.

Maria was staring at me with wide, astonished eyes. Soon tears began to well up again in her eyes, which had occasionally shed tears before.

“Did he tell you that…?”

As I nodded slightly, large tears began to fall from Maria’s eyes, so much so that I wondered if it was okay for so much water to flow from a person’s body at once.

“What a foolish child. No, that’s nothing for a child to be grateful for. I just signed the admission papers that were about to be thrown away and paid the money. That’s all I could do for him…!”

Crying out, Maria clawed at her own arms.

“Why couldn’t I have protected him better? At every moment, no matter how hard it was for me, I should have been able to give him one hundred percent of my love, even if it meant throwing myself away. Why couldn’t I do that? And if I couldn’t, why did I bring him into the world?”

I, who had been fidgeting awkwardly, finally worked up the courage to take her left hand. Her thin fingers squeezed mine.

“To me, that child was a miracle. Just having him in this world made me grateful for everything in it… Why did I forget such a simple thing until I lost him?”

The relentless rain of tears soaked Maria’s arm. The tissues she used to wipe her nose piled up quickly.

If Alan could see her now, what would he think? For example, what would Klaus, the father of three, say to her?

I gathered all my courage and spoke again.

“Grandma told me in her will to live with a smile. It was hard for me to follow, but maybe I want my loved ones to live with a smile, too”.

Maria’s face contorted and her body seemed to lose all strength.

“It’s too late. I alone received love from that child.”

“Maria.”

“May him rest in peace. It’s okay if he hates me, or even forgets me, if I’m just an unwanted memory. As long as he is surrounded by warmth now.”

I silently held her now limp, thin hand.

Eventually, Maria slowly returned to reality. She took a deep breath, took the last few tissues from the nearly empty box and wiped her face briskly.

“Sorry to keep you, Luke. Let’s go to the hospital.”

“Oh yes, thank you.”

Stumbling over the ups and downs of Maria’s emotions, I simply nodded and buckled my seatbelt. Maria stepped on the accelerator and with smooth movements, merged smoothly back into the lane.

There was silence for about five minutes. Maria, hesitating slightly, began to speak.

“Hey, Luke. You saw Alan right before the incident, right? Do you think he killed himself?”

I couldn’t help but look at the driver’s seat. After a moment of thought, I shook my head.

“I don’t think so.”

My answer brought a nod from her, an intelligent face now imbued with strength.

“I don’t think he committed suicide either.”

Her voice was filled with a conviction that was a thousand times more convincing than when I told Kasim the same thing.

“Lately I’ve been wondering if it was just my wishful thinking… My husband seems to firmly believe that Alan committed suicide, but I still think differently. That day, Alan looked a little tired, but he had a calm face when he came back. And just before he went into his room, he said, “Mom, I’m going to move on with my life.””

“Moving on with his life?”

As soon as those words left my lips, a heavy pain shot through my temple. Trying to hide the pain, I quickly continued.

“That’s, well, a very positive thing.”

“Yes. When I told the police in charge, they said they would investigate a little more thoroughly. No news probably means there’s no foul play involved.”

“I’m not so sure. They could still be investigating.”

Saying something that would probably upset Sam if he heard it, I turned my gaze back forward, avoiding Maria’s eyes.

Move on with your life…

These words sounded familiar.

For some reason, those positive words, said to be Alan’s last, clung to my chest like tar.

[Luke, you had an appointment with that handsome former cop today, didn’t you? He’s already here, worried because he can’t reach you.]

Megan’s words made me drop the controller I was holding. As I hastily tried to pick it up, I felt dizzy and ended up crouching in place.

[Are you okay? Maybe you’re not as good as you thought you were?]

“Sorry, maybe I’m not as good as I thought.”

When I replied honestly, having managed to pick up the controller, Megan, usually brisk, spoke in an unusually soft voice from the other side of the monitor.

[Should I tell him to go home for the day?]

I shook my head carefully at her suggestion.

“No, if he’s already here, let him come up. Please let him know that I’m really sorry.”

“Okay.”

Megan replied softly and briefly before disconnecting. Looking at the now black screen, I exhaled deeply. Come to think of it, I had left my equipment in my bag.

Feeling a little guilty about keeping Brian waiting, I reluctantly dragged myself back to my desk to clean up the scattered notes and wires.

By the time I returned from the hospital with Maria after a head examination and drove back to the office, I was well past my scheduled return time. I didn’t think I would be able to work once I got back to the office, but I seemed to be more capable than I thought. I had completed all the tasks by the time the receptionist contacted me.

However, the moment my concentration broke, I was reminded of my physical and mental exhaustion. I had had many busy days in the past, but it had been a long time since I felt this completely drained.