INM 6 Part 1

Chapter 6: Brian’s Secret And Matty

First I have to calm down and get myself together.

As I inserted the key, I reminded myself. Damn it, the key wouldn’t turn to the right. I must have forgotten to lock the door when I went to the supermarket earlier.

I picked up the doorknob again and walked inward.

Suffering from selfish guilt is unhealthy and arrogant. This was clear enough from my own short but privileged life experiences. It’s much more important to take actual steps to improve the situation than to be paralyzed by guilt, both for myself and for others. So, through trial and error, I learned to clean my room instead of freezing with guilt. Leave behind my mother and move out, hurting someone with an offhand remark, wasting people’s time because I didn’t know what everyone else was doing… I dealt with all those feelings of shame and guilt with a mop and a cloth, taking action instead of freezing.

So I can handle this situation too, I told myself as I turned left down the hallway and stepped into the office.

The chaotic room, which at first glance made me want to turn back, was perfect to lift my gloomy mood. If Grandma saw my face and this room, she would probably give me an exaggerated look of despair.

The thought made me smile. I wanted to check if my imagination was right, but I couldn’t hear Grandma’s voice in the present, which I had definitely heard when I was running away from the man in the baseball cap.

“Shouldn’t you be washing your hands?”

A man next to me spoke as I stared blankly at the office. Right, I should wash my hands first. Remembering what I had to do, I finally sighed in relief.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll wash them. Sorry, it’s messier than I realized.”

“This isn’t messy at all.”

“I’ll clean up first. Why don’t you take a seat on the couch and we can talk later?”

“All right, if it bothers you that much. But I disagree with the division of roles. You sit on the couch.”

“It’s really not that…”

Ignoring my protest, Brian walked quickly into the kitchen. Soon I heard the sound of him washing his hands, followed by the clinking of dishes. Pouting slightly, I watched for a moment before obediently washing my hands at the sink. Then I returned to the office and collapsed on the couch.

The moment my body hit the couch, it lost its strength like a sand castle crumbling on the beach. I should have learned by now that once I was on that couch, I wouldn’t be able to get up for a while, Lucas Potter.

Maybe I should just get rid of this couch altogether.

Even as I considered this drastic idea for my “office”, my mind pushed open the tightly closed lid and confronted me with problems I didn’t want to face.

Alan was in a bad mood that day.

He was always on the edge when we met, but on that day he was so overwhelmed with loss and despair that it took him an hour to tell me that his textbooks and books had been burned.

As I listened to him, I remembered how my own treasured magic broom… which was really just an old broom given to me by a kind neighbor… had been burned.

I wanted to show Alan that I understood the shock of such a loss, but also to teach him that nothing truly important is ever lost.

I wanted to lighten his heart with my words.

I said something that moved him forward. Alan, inspired by my words to “move forward with his life”, made a promise to me.

And then he took an action that ended his own life…

It felt like a force jolted me awake as I got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen. Brian, who was loading the dishwasher, looked up at me with a slightly surprised expression on his face.

“What’s wrong? If you need a drink…”

“Help me.”

Brian’s eyes widened in surprise.

“I’m really tired. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Got it.”

Without asking what had happened or what was bothering me, Brian nodded immediately.

“What can I do for you? Is there anything you need right now?

“Hug me. Until I say it’s okay.”

Without a word, Brian knelt down in front of me, who had somehow ended up crouching. He pulled me close with his left arm and with his right arm he wrapped me completely around his chest. My breath caught for a moment, but I soon exhaled deeply into his arms. The voices in my head fell silent.

With my mind at rest, my heart finally found some peace. Suddenly the sleep deprivation of the last three days hit me, and the comforting warmth of Brian’s body through his shirt intensified the urge to sleep. My head swayed and my brain slowly relaxed. I felt the warmth of his big hand on my back. The clean, herbal scent of sage and juniper berries gently enveloped me. Perhaps he had reapplied his cologne after our phone call because I had mentioned that I liked the scent. I found myself gripping the hem of his shirt.

Ah, I really like this guy.

I like his kindness. I like his voice. I like the way he looks at me. I like his thoughtfulness. I respect how he values his family, and his patience shines brightly in my eyes.

I wanted to let go of my consciousness in the arms of my beloved childhood friend, but a sharp pain in my chest prevented me from doing so. It was rooted deep in my heart, pulsating darkly.

I have to get rid of this pain too. Grandma always said, “Guilt is the opposite of taking care of yourself.”

“Will you listen to me, Brian?”

Brian placed his large hands on my shoulders. As a distance slowly formed between us, he looked deep into my eyes, sensing my disappointment.

“Of course.”

I broke eye contact and pressed my forehead against his chest. I hadn’t said he could stop hugging me. Brian quickly understood, gently touched my hair and then hugged me again, mindful of my recent injury. Despite the uncomfortable position, he remained as patient as ever.

“Brian, what do you do when you have a mountain of things to think about but can’t move a finger?”

“Luke, you are mentally and physically exhausted. What you need most right now is a hot shower, a meal, and some sleep.”

“I’m asking about you, not me.”

“In my case… well…”

The former class president, who was about to lecture me, paused to think. Was he unconsciously playing with my curls?

“I went abroad. It was an impulse I can’t explain. One moment I was thinking about going to the jungle, and the next I was in Kota Kinabalu.”

When I realized he was talking about his time after being released from the hospital, I listened intently. This was a side of Brian I didn’t know. Disappearing from Australia for a year was unimaginable for the Brian I knew, especially without a plan. 

“Going abroad didn’t immediately help me face what I needed to face, but the first night in Kota Kinabalu, I seriously did the rehab exercises I was supposed to do at home. There was no particular reason, but in retrospect, a change of environment might have helped”.

“A change of place… I see.”

Come to think of it, I also tend to visit distant cafes, restaurants, or bars when my mind is overwhelmed.

With some useful ideas, I began to calm down. Brian made a suggestion.

“Shall I take you somewhere? Right now?”

“No need. You could even take me abroad for a change of scenery.”

“That’s the plan.”

His unexpected reply made me laugh.

“You…”

“Do you have a passport?”

My astonishment lasted only a moment before my mind filled with scenes of traveling the world with Brian. A dream of the future. A sweet hope or desire to enjoy irresponsibly now and pay the price later.

“Sounds good. We can’t do it now, but let’s seriously go somewhere together sometime.”

“Yes. Think about where you’d like to go.”

Whether or not he noticed the longing and slight bitterness in my words, Brian replied seriously.

“Also, sometimes I write down everything I need to do. Whether it’s important, work-related, or personal, I list it all. Then you’ll often find at least one task that you can take care of right away. Once you get started, the rest often gets done in the moment.”

“I understand that. Then I’ll start cleaning the office. Throw out the trash, check email, and think about the guy who followed me.

“Eat the dinner I made, take a shower, brush your teeth.”

I grimaced at the added tasks.

“I don’t think I can do that right now.”

“When are you going to start taking care of yourself?”

“Shush. I’m just not in the mood. I always put myself first.”

Brian let out an exaggerated sigh at my undeniably correct words.

“That’s doubtful. You’ve always neglected yourself in your efforts to help others…”

His nagging, preachy side is definitely a flaw. And it’s worse because it’s a sign of his concern. Normally he’s modest and careful with his opinions.

But the worst part is that I’m starting to find this flaw amusing. I realized that because I always argue back and never listen, he feels safe nagging. And he is often right, which is annoying.

I lifted myself from his arms, grabbed his collar and silenced him with a kiss. I felt my lips curl into a smile. It was exactly what I wanted to do at that moment.

I pulled back and smiled at his stunned blue-gray eyes.

“That’s why I told you to be quiet.”

“I don’t approve of this way of silencing me.”

“I know. I usually listen to you, don’t I?”

“That…”

I kissed his half-open, sexy lips again. He lost his balance and fell back, and I quickly pinned him to the kitchen floor. Wondering if this was an act of “draining his energy”, I looked down at him.

“I want to watch your back, but right now the only thing I actively want to do is kiss you.”

Brian, who had been staring up at me with wide eyes, casually brushed his disheveled black hair back with one hand. As I was momentarily mesmerized, he reached out with his long arm and pulled me close. I almost fell over him in panic.

“Careful, Brian!” 

Brian looked up at me with satisfaction as I managed to support myself with my hands on either side of his face. He put his hand on the back of my neck, urging me to continue. I hesitated for a moment before being drawn to his captivating blue-gray eyes. The warmth and scent of his body, not just his cologne, reached me through his slightly wrinkled white shirt. As the kiss deepened, Brian’s skin gradually turned red. Our shallow breaths made our bodies almost touch, and with each breath the air grew thicker and denser, making it impossible to turn back. A car horn sounded in the distance. When the sound faded, only our little breaths remained. I touched his hair, which I rarely got to feel. It wasn’t as silky as I’d imagined, it was surprisingly coarse.

At that moment, I suddenly realized that my memories were being dragged back to my childhood with Brian. Feeling guilty as if I were deceiving an innocent boy, I pulled away from Brian.

“You know, I’m probably using you to make myself feel better.”

Brian raised an eyebrow at me. He must have seen right through my intentions. He shrugged as if to say, “So what?” and spoke.

“What about you? Don’t you think I’m taking advantage of you when you’re weak?”

His unexpected words made me think. Brian wrapped his arms around my back and suddenly lifted his upper body while still holding me.

“You have good abs.”

Brian silenced my honest comment about skipping workouts for the past few days with a kiss. Supporting my back as I gasped in surprise, he gently pushed me down onto the kitchen floor, much more tenderly than I had done to him. I thought I saw an unfamiliar expression cross his face in the backlight, but it was quickly hidden by a kiss that seemed to swallow my words.