INM 6 Part 7

It took me a full two beats to realize the malice in those words. After a moment of silence, as if to confirm that I couldn’t react, the man continued quietly.

“No, of course you were just trying to use your skills to cheer up your wife… but it was only four days after she lost her son before you visited her. Didn’t you feel guilty for comforting a woman who had just lost a child? Sorry, that was poorly worded. I just wish you had been a little more considerate about the money involved.”

With each softly spoken word, a headache triggered by my heartbeat robbed me of my thoughts, as it always did.

“This is just a little advice from me, a lawyer, Lucas. You should keep doing what you are doing, providing momentary distractions for people who have too much time and money on their hands. Don’t even think about getting involved with people like us who live honest lives and actually contribute to society. Especially something like taking advantage of someone’s weakness… that’s cheating…”

Paul paused dramatically. Seeing that I had no energy to argue, he softened his suddenly harsh tone and continued.

“…or so it might be judged.”

What kind of nonsense was that? Maria had asked me to do the work of her own free will. To say that I had deceived her unilaterally was to completely disregard her will and judgment.

But why couldn’t I utter a single word of protest? Designing spaces has been the joy of my life. I’ve always been fascinated by the depths of interior design. So why do I accept being called a rich man’s plaything?

While I stared blankly at my phone, Paul explained in a gentle but firm tone.

“I want you to cancel the contract my wife made with you immediately. Well, it seems that nothing that could be called a contract has been exchanged yet.”

For the first time, I felt as if all my energy had been drained from me. I even found myself longing for the moment when I had learned that Brian was the man from that night. Now I didn’t even have the energy to be surprised by anything.

Paul told me something else and then ended the call without waiting for my answer. I think he was telling me not to contact Maria again. I could feel Leo looking at me from beside me.

“Hey, are you okay…”

“I want to see the river.”

“What?”

“I want to see the Brisbane River. I want to see the black water flow.”

“No, you…” Leo opened his mouth in surprise, then shook his head vigorously. “No, no, no, there’s no way you’d enjoy seeing something like that in the middle of the night. Go see it during the day, maybe a murky river will make you feel a little refreshed”.

All my friends love the Brisbane River during the day. The bright sunlight reflects off the flowing water, and countless boats glide leisurely across its surface. The bridge that crosses the river vertically is constantly filled with pedestrians and cars, and buildings that strongly reflect the characteristics of each district line both banks of the river. It’s a bright and cheerful scene no matter where you look. It’s the beautiful symbol of our city that makes my heart race with excitement.

But for me, the Brisbane River is black at night. It’s a black that seems to cut a hole in space, as if nothing exists there. It’s not a clear black. It’s a murky black that seems to swallow everything.

“I need to see it at night. I have to see the Brisbane River at night. Even if it’s just through the window.”

For the first time I realized that I was really tired.

Oh well. I just wanted to say it.

I murmured the words to myself and closed my eyes. A brief moment of emptiness. I was brought back to the car by the sound of a man calling my name from a distance.

“Hey, look out the window, will you? You said you wanted to see it.” 

Startled, I turned my eyes to the window. I could see the Brisbane River at night, just as I had wanted, albeit from a distance. There’s no route to my office that goes by the river. My driver must have taken a detour while I was unconscious. Even as I understood somewhere in the back of my mind that Leo had requested the change in route, my eyes were fixed on the blackness of the river. It had a deep color, as if nothing existed there, but there was a strong feeling that something was stirring.

Oh, I want to go to the edge of that river.

I want to stare into that abyss as much as I want.

“We are just passing by. Go home quietly today.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“Just today. You’ve shown me a lot of rare things today, really.” 

I ruminate vaguely over the man’s words. Before I could fully digest them, I fell silent, and the car we were in turned away from the Brisbane River and headed toward the city center. It stopped on the sidewalk across the street from my apartment. 

“All right, Luke. Get inside quickly.” 

With these parting words, Leo got into the car and drove off. The moment the car disappeared from sight, I finally let out a sigh and all the strength left my body. At that moment, my grandmother’s voice, Alan’s voice, Maria’s voice, and Brian’s voice all flooded my mind at once, and I couldn’t help but cover my face with both hands. 

“What the hell am I doing?”

The words came out between ragged breaths.

I wanted this and that, blamed others for not getting what I wanted, and while I pretended to encourage others, I couldn’t accomplish anything myself. I ran away from the affection I so desperately wanted, and after playing with others, I ran away… hurting, hurting, hurting.

“Are you satisfied now…?”

The darkness I thought I had finally shaken off after three years had returned.

“I’m sorry, Grandma. I still hate myself.”

The black, bottomless surface of the Brisbane River stared back at me. A cold, hollow, ugly black shadow smiled at me.

What is it? Your heart just ran out of battery.

My grandmother’s familiar voice came from afar.

Just surround yourself with the things you really love and do what you really want to do. Once you learn to appreciate yourself, your heart will soon soften again.

That’s right. I need to go home.

I have to go back to that room filled with only the things I love and do what I want to do most right now. If I do that, I’m sure I can get out of this darkness… Because Grandma said so.

As I tried to step toward the bright entrance, following my grandmother’s voice inside me, I realized with dismay that I couldn’t move my feet even a millimeter. Covered in a cold sweat from an indescribable feeling of fear, I tried to move, but my feet were glued to the floor.

I looked back at the bright entrance.

My room, filled only with the things that made my heart happy. At that moment, everything that had once seemed so radiant seemed worthless.

What on earth have I been desperately trying to get all this time? Everything I’ve worked so hard for has been so empty. All the effort I’ve put into being happy.

Right now, more than anything, I want my grandmother’s moussaka. I want her to tell me that it’s okay. I wanted her to tell me that I’m the one she loves the most in the world.

And Alan. I want to talk to you again.

I wonder if this wish will come true. If I throw away everything I’ve ever had and run away from this world.

With such a sweet fantasy, I finally felt my heart relax. Perhaps this is what “peace” is, something I’ve been searching for since childhood.

As I was lost in a beautiful illusion, staring blankly at my palm, I heard regular footsteps approaching. I thought they would pass me by, but they stopped about two meters from my feet.

Jolted back to reality, I slowly raised my head, a little surprised to see the figure standing there.

A tall man, over six feet tall, with a muscular body. His usually conspicuous red hair was hidden under a black hat. He was dressed differently than the taciturn member of the Red Hair Alliance I had seen on my way home with Kasim that evening.

After comparing our three guesses with Victor and Chloe about the person who sent you the letter, we’ve come to a conclusion.

The message from Kasim that I had glanced at in the car came back to me.

I hope this assumption is wrong. But Luke, I want you to be careful until the situation is clear. It’s likely that the person who sent you the letter was…

“Ethan?”

The young man nodded and removed his sunglasses and black baseball cap. A troubled expression appeared on his face, like a cloud before a storm. I felt a strong sense of déjà vu in those deep eyes. It was a strange feeling, like looking at myself in a mirror.

With a soft, almost comical voice, I spoke to him.

“Why are you in my house? Is something wrong?”

What do I mean, “is something wrong?” Like I have time to care about other people.

Ethan spoke. His words were slow, as if I was facing him through the water at the bottom of the deep sea.

“Will you listen to me, Luke? I really need to talk to you tonight.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the entrance to the apartment building. The light coming from inside was so soft that it seemed to promise me a moment of peace.

Like a shadow created by that light, the young man stood before me, trapped in darkness.

I should just ignore his risky request and run back to my own house. This momentary despair would surely disappear if I just went to bed.

Besides, I’m not the kind of person who can listen to other people’s problems. I should have understood that more than enough in the past few weeks.

These were all undoubtedly my true feelings. But why?

Somewhere I knew which choice I would make, light or shadow.

“Okay.”

What a fool I am.

This voice echoed inside me.

I didn’t think this was the time to help others, as Grandma would say. But as always, even when it came to myself, things never went my way… Or rather, it was always this heart of mine that dug out my true desires and forced them upon me without question. Perhaps this was my inescapable life or fate.

As I took a step toward him, the headlights of a car coming from behind me illuminated the young man’s face and then drove by. I was drawn to the pair of eyes that appeared in the light.

Oh, that’s right, this boy’s eyes are hazel.

Just like mine, a common olive color.

I hadn’t even noticed. His red hair, now hidden by the night, had been so striking.