INM 7 Part 3

At my last words, Ethan’s eyes suddenly darkened, as if he was thinking about something. While I focused on his reaction, I threw a stone at him.

“For example, why did you major in computer science?”

“Because it is very cost-effective.”

His answer was so smooth that I, who asked the question, was stunned. As if he had been preparing it for a long time. Or as if he had always told it to himself.

The young man continued. 

“This world cannot function without computers and systems. People who can handle information are in high demand in every industry, and this high demand drives up the value of human resources. Besides, the cost of learning is much cheaper than medicine or law.”

The young man continued to speak eloquently. There was a desperate look in his eyes. I wondered who he was trying to convince.

“This is… just an impression, Ethan. But maybe you don’t have much passion for computer science?”

“Passion…” said the young man with a laugh. “Those who are successful always say that. Just because they happen to be blessed with luck and talent, they easily urge others to invest in passion. Most people who aren’t blessed with either luck or talent can’t recoup the time or money they’ve invested.”

“Working on something you’re passionate about is the easiest way to enrich your life. It doesn’t have to be your career. It could be a hobby. History, painting, law…”

At that moment, Ethan reacted slightly to the word “law” that I had accidentally uttered. It was just a slip of the tongue because all the students I knew… Brian, a former part-time employee from my old job, and Kasim… were all law students.

“I see, law. Somehow it suits you.” 

“Law is not cost-effective. Legal jobs will be replaced by AI in the near future. You can’t recoup your investment.”

I knew from the young man’s stiff and tense voice that I had unknowingly reached the entrance to his inner world.

After hesitating for a moment, I put my hand on the front door.

“Ethan. Are you really the one trying to get back what you gained through your own time and learning?”

The young man’s fingertips, which were on the verge of laughing at my words, twitched and then slowly froze from the inside out. His eyes, unguarded for his age, were fixed on a single point on the table.

I thought I saw his true face for the first time since I met him.

“Make me earn back…the amount that was invested in me…”

Ethan murmured in a voice that reminded me a little of his university self, and then closed his mouth tightly. I kicked my brain into high gear, processing the words I had drawn out of him. 

Someone, probably his parents or someone very close to him, told him to pay back what they had invested in raising him. This was the phrase that the young man clung to and followed like a martyr. A value that had become his shackle, hindering his passion. Would it really be for his own good to become aware of this bondage? 

If he continued to live with the people who had instilled this value in him, perhaps it would be better for Ethan to remain unaware of this shackle, allowing him to live the rest of his life with a calmer heart. Once he realized it, there would be no turning back. Like Alan after meeting Kasim, like me after meeting Broom, he would suffer from the friction between his heart’s cries and reality until he broke free on his own.

But if simply observing in silence was for his own good, then why had I met Ethan? Why had I met Alan?

If these meetings with these young men were orchestrated by someone, what could I do?

I sat back in my chair and straightened my posture. Facing the young man again, I focused my consciousness on the creative world within me and smiled at him.

“Hey, you know what? Actually, colors that are deeper and heavier suit you better than this superficial gray.”

Undeterred by the young man’s face, which immediately clouded with displeasure, I continued in a lively tone. 

“Your room, too, would probably benefit from deeper colors and heavier textures. Emerald… no, a deeper green would be better. The furniture could effectively incorporate heavy, dark wood or even black metal elements. A large desk where you can comfortably place your monitors, books and notebooks, bookshelves in the same color as the desk, and if there’s a large window, you could place a reading chair by it. A nice colored chair that would complement you and the room.”

The young man, who had been listening to me with a doubtful expression on his face, slowly began to thaw. I loved that moment. This wonderful moment when two individuals with completely different personalities, facing each other, shared and enjoyed a single image.

“What would you like to place in this sacred space of yours?”

The young man hesitated to open his mouth, as if he had something stuck in his throat. I thought it would be difficult to get anything out of him in that limited time. Then it happened.

“A robot…”

The moment he said it, the young man lowered his eyes as if in regret, and I couldn’t help but brighten my own expression. The imagined Ethan’s room became even more perfectly in line with his image.

“This is great, a fusion of tradition and modernity. It fits your image perfectly.”

“Because Alan said he wanted a cleaning robot someday.”

A heavy silence fell between us. I kept looking at the young man, who continued to stare intently at the table, and cautiously agreed.

“I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t even know Alan liked robots until you told me.”

“Even though he majored in cutting-edge robotics, he was always thinking about filling his surroundings with robots. He said that the first thing he would buy when he started working was a cleaning robot. He said that he would make robots automatically open and close the curtains and turn off the lights.”

The young man suddenly began to talk like a flowing stream. I remained motionless, simply listening to him in silence.

“He wasn’t interested at all in things like contributing to the Earth or humanity, he was always desperately thinking about how to transform his room into something exciting with robots around him.”

With each word he spoke, the trembling in the young man’s voice intensified. His eyes were bloodshot, and every muscle in his body was tense, as if blood would burst from some capillary at any moment. 

As if he had noticed something, the young man looked up at me with a start. I silently received his pleading look.

“Yes. The Alan I knew also had hope for the future… I’m glad I could share that with you.”

At my words, Ethan’s face immediately turned angry.

“It’s your fault! It’s because you put all kinds of unnecessary things into him that he changed…!”

These were the words I had been throwing at myself.

Had I thoughtlessly incited him in the worst possible way with my words?

If I hadn’t spoken so irresponsibly, would he still be alive?

If I had been a mature adult, with brilliant words like grandmother’s, and had been more considerate of him, would he still be in this world?

And yet, when someone threw the same words at me like that, what was born in me was a pitch-black hatred that I couldn’t even believe myself. A black emotion, as if all sorts of emotions were mixed together and cooled to below freezing point, slowly bubbled up and coiled deep in my gut. An overwhelming emotion so strong that it stiffened every joint in my body, made it hard to breathe, and even made me nauseous.

Alan’s death, Grandma’s death, the deep hurt I had inflicted on Brian, all the heartless words that had been thrown at me, all the things I disliked about the world… I was gripped by a dizzying illusion that it was all the fault of the young man in front of me.

I wanted to tear him to pieces, driven by this powerful emotion. I reached for a glass that was within reach… I wanted to hurl all the unbearable despair inside me at the young man in front of me.

And yet, why?

An even stronger impulse was born in me. I wanted to reach out to the young man. As many benefactors had done for me in my life.

Suddenly I felt a warmth near my right shoulder. Guided by this warmth, a small light ignited deep within the many coils of deep hatred. This light transformed the black emotion that had caused such an overwhelming impulse from within.

I looked at the window near the ceiling. I couldn’t see the countless little lights I had always assumed were in the night sky beyond the glass.

I hadn’t even tried to look at the stars for a long time.

The moment I remembered that, I felt an unbearable urge to look up at that light. Even though artificial light was abundant not only in the store but in the entire city. And yet, at that moment, with an almost thirsty longing, I wanted to see the starry sky. In the soft darkness of the night, quietly.

I slowly focused on the young man in front of me. Hazel eyes that had decided to blame everything on me and hate me. I couldn’t help but smile. It really felt like looking in a mirror, those olive eyes so similar to my own. I wanted to break this young man who had the same eyes as me. I wanted to be nice to him. 

“Talking to you stirs up so many uncontrollable emotions in me.”

Ethan looked at me with a hostile and somewhat frightened look. Receiving that look, I smiled, not knowing whether to be angry or sad.

“That’s exactly why I think we were meant to meet.”

The young man looked at me from behind his disheveled hair.

“What are you saying? Are you seriously out of your mind?”

“It’s something I learned from someone dear to me.”

The warmth on my right shoulder increased. Mixed with sadness and affection, I slightly lowered my eyebrows.

“The people who arouse strong emotions in you are destined to teach you many things… They make you realize important things you need to learn.”

A faint light, like that of a lost child, appeared in Ethan’s eyes, losing some of its intensity. His trembling lips seemed to want to form words, but no sound came out.

I didn’t know if it was right for him to be saved. But if they… both Grandmother and Alan wanted it… I wanted them to pray with me that this young man could come out of the darkness on his own.

“I truly believe that you are one of the people that fate has brought into my life.”

The stiffness suddenly left Ethan’s hand. The muscles in his face trembled and the mask the young man had been wearing melted away before my eyes.

“My destiny was Alan. From the moment I met him, he was different from the others. I really wanted to be kind to him, but he didn’t want my kindness.”

The young man’s raw, unvarnished emotions poured out of his mouth.

“Do you understand? What it feels like to realize that the person you thought had finally accepted you was just using you as a substitute for someone else!”

I knew that this time I had to clear up the young man’s misunderstanding.

But what came out of my mouth was something I hadn’t expected at all. 

“He wanted it, your kindness… because he was starting to find it comforting.”

Ethan’s mouth dropped open. As the young man fell silent, at a loss for words, I continued, still unsure of the meaning of the words I had just spoken.

“I’ll answer your question, Ethan. The first day we met, I told Alan. If you’re going to date someone, make sure it’s someone you can connect with through kindness. Alan remembered those words. On the last day I saw him, he said, “I wonder if he and I can…” 

I stopped speaking. I already knew who “he” was referring to at that time. I opened my mouth again, rephrasing the object.

“Could I connect with Ethan in a gentle way?”

“That’s impossible. Don’t just say whatever comes to mind…!”

Ignoring his increasingly distorted expression, I continued calmly.

“‘Could I lead my life into a world where people connect through kindness?'”

The scene of him uttering those words resurfaced in my mind. At that time, Alan was just looking at me. Deep resolution resided in his quiet black eyes.

Do you really think so? Will you trust me and watch over me?

Thank you, Luke. It’s a promise.

Wanting to savor the lingering echo of Alan’s words, I closed my eyes. Waiting for his voice to completely fade out from within me, I opened my mouth again.

“I affirmed it. That was the last conversation I had with him.”

The young man didn’t reply. After a while, when I turned my gaze towards him, he had his head in his hands and was looking down. Drops of water fell from his face, which was hidden in the shadows, widening the puddle on the table. I consciously pulled back my right hand, which was about to move on its own. I clenched that hand tightly again, which was about to reach for the glass.

“If I hadn’t known, I could have still lived as myself.” a hoarse, sorrowful voice leaked from the young man’s throat. “What a cruel thing you’ve done…”

“You’re right.”

Muttering that, I lowered my eyelids. Being continuously burned by endless guilt, regret, and an unfillable loss is surely more painful than being burned by the fires of hell.

“You’re really right.”

After that, there were no more words between us. Ethan continued to wet the table while occasionally letting out painful sobs, and I just sat silently across from him. The second Gimlet was covered in droplets, which visually dampened my spirits as well. Strangely, the words of self-blame that had always been shouting within me suddenly fell silent, and there was a silence within me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt.