INM 7 Part 4

Maybe five minutes had passed. With his head still in his hands, Ethan asked me.

“What are the things you hate?”

“Uh, what do you mean?”

“You said it earlier. That Alan and I shared the same thing that you couldn’t forgive. Even though all our other ways of thinking were completely opposite”.

“Oh, that. You said something about burning books.” I replied, remembering my conversation with Alan with a slightly clearer head.

“You said something about burning books being the antithesis of rationality, right?”

At my words, Ethan let out a small laugh while still looking down. He let out a deep breath and then slowly stood up.

“Enough talking?”

“Hah, do I have to answer that for you to understand…?” 

Ethan murmured in his usual tone, which now sounded nostalgic.

“I’m leaving too. Let’s walk part of the way together.”

“Huh, I’d rather not.”

“Rather not? You…”

“You can just have your hot-looking boyfriend pick you up again…”

For a moment I thought he had misunderstood something about Kasim again. But I immediately remembered the day I first truly met the young man before me, and the day I was truly reunited with my childhood friend. In my hazy consciousness, I looked at the arm wrapped in a white shirt in front of me. Following the arm with my gaze, I saw the face of my childhood friend, who had become much more rugged than I remembered and looked extremely nervous. 

He is with me. He caused some trouble.

The young man continued, seeing me fall silent, my heart struck by the image of my childhood friend from that night.

“Besides, I have some business to attend to at the police station…”

“O-oh, I see… Ah, take this business card then.”

Saying that, I took a slightly wilted business card out of my wallet.

“He’s a cop I know. He’s a bit of a jerk, but I think he’s reliable.”

Ethan reluctantly took the business card from me, looked at its surface and grimaced.

“Samuel Robinson… I hate that big cop…”

“Oh, come on. If you contact him, I’m sure you’ll see he grind his teeth in confusion.”

“Hmph…”

With a snort, Ethan twisted his mouth as if to say it wasn’t that bad.

Despite the tense exchange between the two of us, the inside of the store was still filled with a moderate amount of bustle and pleasant laughter. The world continues to expand. Sometimes it urges us on, sometimes it involves us, and sometimes it leaves us behind. In this continuous world, we will forever repeat meetings and farewells.

With a milky-white emotion in my chest that I couldn’t even explain to myself, I stood up from my chair.

I held out my hand to the young man who wouldn’t even look at me.

“Let’s meet again, Ethan.”

“I’d rather not…”

Ethan replied in a mumbled, indistinct voice and then turned his face even further away.

“But if I happen to meet you again in the future… then I guess I’ll say hello to you…”

“Okay.”

Nodding, I saw the young man off.

The clock in the shop read 10:25 PM. The day in Brisbane that had seemed so long was finally coming to an end.

To say goodbye to this day, the night just kept on ticking away.

It felt like I was breathing outside air for the first time in years.

Almost unconsciously, I looked up at the sky, but I couldn’t find the starry sky I had hoped for, and I felt a little disappointed.

“Luke.”

I felt as if someone was calling me. A woman’s voice. Wondering why the woman’s voice wasn’t my grandmother’s, I started walking toward my house.

“Luke, Lucas.”

I continued to walk slowly through the streets of Brisbane at night. The dull pain in the soles of my feet forced me to acknowledge that my body was already exhausted. Still, my heart felt much lighter. I still had some concerns about how I would feel when I stood in front of my own house. But even so, I was no longer afraid of my house.

“Lucas Potter!”

“Whoa! That was a real voice! I’m sorry!”

Called by my name in a powerful voice that even exuded dignity, I jumped and turned to face the source of the voice. Ignoring the stares of those around her, the woman leaned out of the driver’s seat and waved at me. A broad smile that seemed to shine even brighter in the dim streetlights, dark eyes filled with a light that could be seen from afar, beautifully trimmed short hair that fluttered each time she waved. When I finally recognized the car she was in, I realized who she was.

“M-Maria!”

My voice, inevitably tinged with doubt, made Maria’s smile even brighter. Waiting for her to park the car in front of me, I let out a gasp of admiration.

“Wow, Maria…!”

“Not bad, right? I haven’t had my hair this short since I was a student.” Maria said, shaking her head. A clean scent of white musk wafted like glittering particles, and behind it a mature woman of intelligence and dignity smiled brightly.

“You’re going home, right? Let me give you a ride. I’ll drop you off since I’m going that way.”

“Were you shopping at this hour, in a place like this?”

“Not at all. Just running away from home. I’m on my way to a hotel I booked”.

Maria cheerfully dropped this bombshell on me as I obediently climbed into the passenger seat. Almost tripping over my own feet, I exclaimed.

“Running away from home?”

“That’s right. The irreversible kind.”

Maria’s voice sounded nothing but cheerful as she replied. Sinking into the passenger seat and tightening my seatbelt, I carefully opened my mouth.

“Hey, I’m just asking to be sure, but that’s…”

“Just so you know, Luke, the reason I decided to leave that house has nothing to do with you.”

“Maria…”

“I heard it from him. He apparently canceled my application without my permission. It’s really annoying. I understand that what he’s saying makes sense. Can a mother who has just lost her child really be said to have sound judgment? The world is full of people who prey on the vulnerable. Is redecorating a room really something that needs to be done at this difficult time… I get it, any of these things are enough to make him doubt me, or even you. But…”

Having said all this with the force of a fire, Maria started the car engine.

“If you looked at me closely, if you really listened to my words, if you had even the slightest desire to understand what I’m saying, you would understand. That my judgment is something to be trusted. Because I realized something. After listening carefully to his words and trying to understand his intentions, I correctly realized that he was just trying to manipulate me with sophistry to control me as he pleased. That’s why I left the house.”

“But what about money and things…” 

“I am doing well. My income decreased a little after Alan was born, but I was still able to save money even while covering living expenses. I’ve always been good with money. The money I saved before I got married is still mostly intact.”

Maria, who had said this with a smile, suddenly darkened.

“Why didn’t I take him away before it came to this? Did I think I was powerless against that violence?”

Murmuring, Maria took her foot off the accelerator she was about to hit and turned to me.

“Hey, please don’t treat my request as if it never happened. The day I decided to commission the interior design in your office, I felt for the first time since I moved into that house that I had made a decision about my own life. So please let me go through with it. I want to remember that I have strength.”

When I finally saw a smile return to Maria’s face, I realized that I had unconsciously smiled at the beautiful dark eyes in front of me.

“Of course, Maria. It would be a great honor.”

Maria blinked slightly and looked radiant. There was still a hint of sadness in her face, but it was so gentle that I almost bowed my head in awe.

“Speaking of which, is all that stuff in the back yours? That’s a lot of luggage. You really don’t want to go back, do you?”

“Yes. Although, to be honest, I didn’t have many valuable possessions of my own. Most of the luggage I brought is Alan’s.”

I listened to her words in surprise. Did Alan have so many things in his room? Were there things in that room that Alan treasured so much that they needed to be brought to her new home?

“Well, if it’s Alan’s, you’d want to keep anything and everything close, wouldn’t you?”

“That’s right. Honestly, the child was more attached to his things than I thought.” Maria said with an affectionate laugh, removing the cloth that had been carelessly draped over the luggage. At that moment I felt as if I had been shot in the heart.

Alan was there.

There were different kinds of notebooks. There was a stuffed animal that looked like a robot. There was a slightly older model game console in good condition. In a bundle of photos, Alan and several students from his high school days were smiling. And… there were many different kinds of books.

“Alan’s books…!”

“Yes. He loved books since he was little.”

“He said they were burned.”

“I exchanged them for my books and hid them when they were about to be used as kindling for a bonfire.”

Maria’s nonchalant words overlapped with the inappropriately cheerful voice I had once uttered.

That dignity is your unconscious defense

“The dignity of the living room of that house was to hide Alan’s things…?”

“Oh, yes, that’s right. The floor of the living room is the hiding place. You figured it out from the beginning, didn’t you?”

Maria smiled mischievously. 

“I lashed out at you then because I felt like I was being told that what I had done for him had actually pushed him into a corner. I’m really sorry.”

Before I could open my mouth, Maria turned her face forward and stepped on the gas. A smooth, efficient acceleration.

“It started with a stuffed animal. I secretly kept his stuffed animal that was going to be thrown away. He was just blank when he was told that it had been thrown away, but the moment he found the stuffed animal, he clung to me, crying and screaming.”

Maria’s soft voice trembled slightly.

“After that, every time something of his was about to be thrown away, I hid it. When we moved, I gave him this place under the floor. I thought it would be found soon. He was still little. I thought I would honestly tell him that I had hidden them, and then buy him the same thing later… Fufu… He had even found other hiding places… He was a clever child. He used it cleverly without ever letting that man know that the hiding places existed.

Maria, who had been speaking cheerfully, distorted her face and spat.

“I want to kill my past self, who took his cleverness for granted. Instead of just picking things up and thinking I was helping Alan, I should have given him a room where he could feel safe.” 

I looked at the back seat again. There were many different kinds of books, from well-worn picture books and anime magazines to thick technical books. Alan’s history and fragments of his personality that I had thought were missing when I saw the room.

My eyes returned to Maria’s face. She was desperately trying to find the right answer from the other person’s subtle reactions, and even then she wished she could offer everything she had. A person she could pour unconditional love into. Alan’s sanctuary was protected. Surely, by the clumsy expression of love of an imperfect being called “human”.

“Hey, Maria. Alan’s feelings for you may not have been all good. But good memories definitely remain in Alan. You have to believe that. You trust me enough to entrust me with the room, so you must trust these words. 

Maria’s face, staring straight ahead into the Brisbane night, gradually distorted. She clenched her teeth and whispered.

“I won’t cry. I can’t die yet. I swore to him that I would become a better person before I died.” 

At that moment, a small fire was lit in my heart. That’s right, we must go on living. Our future continues. 

“That’s right. I have to live without running away anymore.” 

I could tell that Maria was looking at me with a worried expression. But she didn’t try to pry anything out of me while I remained silent.

Soon Maria’s car arrived silently in front of my house. 

“I will contact you again. I think things will settle down soon.” 

“Thank you, Maria. Have a good night.” 

She gave me a bright smile at my words and drove off into the Brisbane night. Watching her go, I stepped into the light of the entrance. In that light, I saw five familiar silhouettes huddled together, deep in conversation.

I gasp as I see three figures crowding around the two concierges. 

“Luke!”