INM 7 Part 6

I could live without a pillow. Moreover, this pillowcase could be the catalyst for an endless desire for things. I was very worried and afraid that I would be tormented by a thirst for material possessions.

After agonizing for about half a year, I bought the pillowcase. The moment I put the pillowcase on the pillow I bought was an indescribably wonderful feeling. Just as I had imagined, I placed the pillow on my bed. At that moment, my room, which had been gray, suddenly seemed to light up. 

Contrary to my own expectations, I remained fascinated by this cover. At the same time, the fear that I had done something wrong never completely disappeared. I couldn’t even tell my grandmother about the cover… so I kept the pillow in my private space. 

That was the beginning of my secret. 

After I got that cover, I learned for the first time what it meant to “take care of things”. I learned about fabrics, detergents, and proper washing methods. As I carefully cared for this treasure, though still unaccustomed to it, I was acutely aware of how little I knew about things that everyone else seemed to know instinctively. I sincerely wondered how I hadn’t been fired from that store, considering how careless I used to be. 

By reconsidering my attitude toward “handling things” that I had previously disregarded, I began to love my job even more. And at the same time, I gradually began to fit in at work. 

As if to confirm the feeling in my hands, I carefully adjusted the shape of the pillow and placed it in its usual place on the chair. 

I stood and looked around the room. I walked over to the window, which had gone completely dark, and reached for the heavy royal blue curtains… The next thing I met were these curtains. 

They were delivered to the interior design store where I worked one day. While checking the delivery, I was immediately captivated by their beauty and striking pattern. 

A part-time university student working with me noticed me staring intently at the curtains and called out to me. 

“You got some unexpected hobby. But I also like to look at them… Arabesque, huh? It’s an elaborate design.” 

“Arabesque…?” 

At my echo, the student raised his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth simultaneously in anger and derision. I was thinking something like, “He sure makes expressive faces.” when he returned to his work and said irritably.

“I can’t believe this. How can you not even know that if you’re an employee? It’s even in the name of the product!” 

A perfectly valid point. 

As I carefully closed the curtains, one at a time with both hands, I remembered my past ignorance and his perfectly reasonable argument and couldn’t help but smile wryly. 

At that time, I didn’t like his condescending way of speaking and kept my distance, and he didn’t actively talk to me either. But at that moment, for some reason, I wasn’t bothered by his harsh words. On the contrary, I was suddenly curious about the meaning of a word I should have known, and I pressed the young man for an explanation.

“Arabesque, that’s that pattern, right? How is it different from this damask?”

He hesitated for a moment at my question, looked very annoyed as if he wanted to tell me to look it up myself… no, now that I think about it, he was probably assessing whether I was worth explaining it to. He looked at me and finally opened his mouth as if giving up.

“Both are derived from designs used in mosques and other Islamic architecture that were imported to Europe. The origins are plant leaf and vine motifs used in Greece, Rome, and Sasanian Persia, which were then combined with geometry and developed into more complex arabesque patterns.” 

“Geometry? That? It’s different from the geometry I know.” 

“It’s hard to tell because of the plant motifs, but it’s drawn with tools according to rules and calculations. That’s why, look, it has this repetition that goes on regularly and endlessly.” 

“I see.” 

At my exclamation, the student raised his eyebrows, as if slightly doubtful that I really understood, and continued. 

“If you search for “arabesque” as a keyword, you’ll find tons of different patterns, but it might be more interesting to start by searching for “Islamic plant motifs” (Islimi). This is a very interesting curtain. I think the designer has probably come up with a new pattern. It’s a design reminiscent of ancient Greek vases… or perhaps Eastern plant patterns. The overall color and shape itself feels like a modern take on Renaissance curtains, whose designers were overly fascinated with Ancient Rome”. 

“Hmm. So it means that things accumulated over a long period of time in different regions became this curtain.” 

“Well, that’s about it. If you’re going to buy it, do it sooner rather than later. It will probably become popular.” 

Now I don’t know why I thought of asking such a thing to someone I thought was difficult to deal with. But at that moment, I unintentionally let out words that surprised even me. 

“Do you think this curtain suits me?” 

“Huh?” The student asked back, wrinkling his face intensely. “Are you talking about whether it’s not manly enough or something?” 

“No. I’m talking about whether I’m worthy of this curtain. Besides, the price is… Wow, it’s super expensive!”

“You are an interior designer, what kind of cheap curtains do you usually use… Well, this is definitely quite expensive compared to the others. But the price is reasonable. The fabric is solid, the design is not mass-produced, and the stitching is probably done by a craftsman’s hand.”

“Should someone like me really be using such beautiful things?”

“I don’t know. If it doesn’t strain your finances, then buy it. If it’s too much, don’t. But if it were me, I’d want someone who’s passionate about my work to use it.”

We continued to talk about different things. We passionately discussed how everything around us could be a design clue, how it’s good to go to art museums and galleries, and how history is surprisingly useful. Naturally, our work came to a complete halt, and we were severely reprimanded and almost fired.

During our conversation he said,

“Study, you’re an employee. It annoys me that you have no ambition at all. I think your mind is not that bad, or rather, I think you have some potential.”

I didn’t have a chance to talk to him after that day, but his words stayed in my heart. Six months later, I bought the curtains, and another six months after that, I decided to enroll in a vocational school for working adults. 

Every time I opened and closed the curtains, I thought about history and the people who lived in those times. The people who meticulously refined the designs of the things that fill the world with their sense and calculations. Learning after knowing they were there was difficult but enjoyable. 

Around that time, I started cooking for myself to save on eating out to pay for my tuition. I failed at cooking and ended up skipping meals, and I also got sick from eating meals without paying attention to nutritional balance. Nothing in this world was there from the start. How much history, miracles, and people’s thoughts were contained in a single object, a single meal. I realized that I had been overwhelmingly ungrateful in my life.

After closing the curtains completely, I walked over to the bed to make the sheets. I smoothed out the creases in the sheets with my hands and arranged the blanket. Satisfied with the result, I caressed the antique Italian bed frame with my palm.

You don’t have to force yourself to like yourself. First, surround yourself with only things that you truly, wholeheartedly like. This is also a way to love yourself.

Hearing my grandmother’s nostalgic voice, I closed my eyes and smiled.

The time I brought the bed frame into my sanctuary is still a little painful.

After Brian’s injury, I reconnected with him, became infatuated with him as if running away from reality, was rejected, and as I painfully scraped away at my self-esteem, I faced him and myself… after finally admitting that he no longer needed my help, I left the hospital, dragging my feet and feeling lost. Even though it was the place I had wanted so much, I couldn’t bring myself to return at that moment, so I ran away to my grandmother’s house.

She advised me, as I was suffering from self-despair, to only put things in my room that I could truly love with all my heart.

The first thing that came to mind was this bed frame. Two years had passed since I had encountered this beautiful Italian antique, this work of art. The moment I saw it, I thought it was a tragic love affair. Me, a vocational school student with no money, and this bed frame with a distinguished lineage and beautiful form. On top of that, the price seemed astronomical to me at the time.

Just the curtains and the pillowcase were enough to make a wonderful, cozy room. I told myself that and quickly forgot about the bed frame.

That’s why when my grandmother mentioned it, I was so surprised that I forgot about my pain for a moment. But once I remembered it, I couldn’t get it out of my mind.

“What if the thing I want is much more wonderful and unsuitable for me?”

My grandmother laughed happily at my words.

“A big purchase is about choosing something that will be suitable for you in five, ten, or even fifty years.”

I’m not good at thinking about the future. I couldn’t even imagine what I would be like in five years. Even the me of ten years from now seemed incredibly distant. But it was only when I asked myself if I wanted to be someone worthy of this bed in five years that I felt I could honestly say yes. 

On my way home from my grandmother’s house, I stopped by the store where I first saw the bed frame two years ago. Just as I remembered, the beautiful frame was on display, not faded in the slightest.

“Do you want this bed frame?”

To my own question, an answer came from within.

I want it.

Even after I graduated from college, I had continued to live frugally, so I had some savings. If I bought this thing that I didn’t really need to live, my savings would be greatly reduced, and I would be forced to live simply again for a while.

Even though I knew this, my eyes remained glued to it.

At the workplace where I had continued to work, I had begun to feel out of place again around that time. It was only natural. The number of people coming to me for advice had increased beyond my control, and my sales had increased. I had already, without realizing it, gone beyond the scope of a mere store clerk. 

Whether to suppress myself and return to being just another store clerk or to jump out of the familiar world, I had to make a decision.

“I understand. I’ll buy it for myself.”

I felt a light ignite in my heart. A tickling sensation of joy surged through me. Just a little, I could feel affection for myself.

“So let’s try our best to go on, just a little longer.”

If I did that, the me of five years from now might become someone who could really make people happy.

Three years have passed since then.

I became independent, somehow got my business off the ground, continued to work literally day and night, and obsessively filled my space with things I loved, but I was stubbornly suffering in the same place.

A thin layer of dust had accumulated on the headboard. I took a tightly wrung cloth from the bathroom and wiped the headboard, desk, chair, overhead light, and window frame in turn. After completing this series of tasks, I finally carefully mopped every corner of the room’s floor. I doubted that my present self had become the person my past self had wished for. And yet, why was that?

This space I had created was very, very beautiful… and in this way it gave me fundamental human peace and courage.

I wanted everyone in the world to know that joy. I didn’t compromise on anything. I delved deep into each person who made a request, stayed close to them, sometimes plucking at the depths of their hearts, and always gathered the best things from around the world within their limited budgets. If I couldn’t find something, I would make it with my own hands. It was because I wanted everyone who believed in me and came to me to experience the joy of connecting deeply with themselves. 

Because I wanted to make them happy.

My device vibrated in my pocket. I looked at the screen with strong conviction.

“Are you safe?”

I unintentionally gripped the device tightly and pressed it to my chest. Hey, will I be able to make the people around me… this guy, as happy as I was made happy by everyone?

A voice answered my question.

Of course. You remember the smiles of the people you’ve made happy, right?

“Haha…”

With a small laugh, I spun around on my heel. Bursting out of my sanctuary and running at full speed, I grabbed my house keys roughly.

I had absolutely no certainty that I could reconcile with Brian. I could not think of a single word of apology. But just as he had found the courage countless times to meet me, it was my turn to meet him. If I didn’t move now, I would surely regret this moment no matter how many times I was reincarnated.

Unable to calm my breathing even a little, I waited for the elevator, impatiently waiting for it to arrive at the ground floor, unable to do anything else. I realized that I should probably wait to send a reply until I got off the elevator. With shaking hands, I typed, “Where are you now?” I was debating whether to add, “I want to see you.” when I noticed an all-too-familiar figure standing at the reception desk and froze.

A tall figure, over six feet tall, stepped through the automatic doors into the lobby. Even though I was used to seeing him, he still caught my attention. His black hair was completely disheveled, and his wrinkled white shirt and black pants looked much duller than usual. It had been a difficult day for him and for me. Still, his straight posture and calm gait inevitably caught my eye. 

I thought he had come storming up to me, angry as usual.

If that was the case, it would be convenient for me. If he, if Brian, was still willing to talk to me, I was ready to listen to his nagging for a hundred hours.

But I immediately rejected my own thought. There wasn’t even a trace of irritation or anger on his face. Seeing his calm expression, which accentuated his refined features, the momentum I had felt just a few moments before quickly subsided. Still, I hesitated whether to muster the courage to call out to him, and in the end I put the device with the typed message back in my pocket.

While I stood frozen, Brian went straight to the reception desk and started talking to Megan.

Hesitantly, I slowly approached them, stopping behind the man.

“Of course, I know you two are close… but I can’t tell you if he’s in his room, and you can’t use the elevator without a key.”

“Ah, I understand.”

Brian replied calmly to Megan, who smiled apologetically. 

“I just need to know if he got home safe. If you think he’s safe, then it must be true.”

Megan’s eyes narrowed and the corners of her mouth turned up. She watched Brian for a while, then sighed and shook her head.

“You know, I know it’s none of my business, but… once Luke calms down a bit, he’ll definitely answer your message. I don’t think you need to take his lack of response too seriously.”

“No, he may not even look at my messages anymore.”

His voice no longer had the tense tone it had before. It was a relaxed, calm baritone. But I understood clearly. He had accepted the possibility that he might never see me again… My childhood friend always granted my wishes in the end, no matter how much he complained.

Megan seemed to ponder Brian’s words for a moment. Then she lifted her vividly colored lips, which hadn’t faded even at this hour.

“Then how about I keep your message? Even if he doesn’t read your message, no matter how much he runs away from you, I will still deliver the message I received. I promise.”

There was a short silence. Finally, Brian’s voice came back, hesitant and slightly high-pitched.

“I’d be grateful. Would you mind?”

Megan blinked her lined eyes, encouraging him to continue.

“Tell him… for a while, to be aware of his surroundings and to take care of himself. The situation is still not completely safe…”

Brian, who had spoken calmly, immediately shook his black hair to the side.

“No, it’s not that. I actually know that he can take care of himself and that he ultimately takes responsibility for his own decisions… He is the complete opposite of me. Unlike me, who always used someone as an excuse and couldn’t accept what had happened to me.”

I just listened to my childhood friend’s words in silence. Megan, who must have noticed me, maintained her gentle smile without changing her expression.

Brian continued.

“He told me he loved me three years ago. But I hated the man he loved… I hated myself. I continued to arbitrarily play the role that the world and those around me expected me to play, mistaking responding to expectations for strength, and when I realized it, I hadn’t built anything inside of me. If he hadn’t been in my life at that time, I probably would have become a person who hated everything because I hated myself so much.”

I was taken aback by the intensity of my childhood friend’s words, which I had never imagined. Before my eyes, as I was at a loss for words, his disheveled black hair swayed from side to side.

“I’ve said too much. I seem to talk too much to you.”

“I am honored. Please continue.”

Although I couldn’t see his expression, I could tell that the power had drained from his broad back. He continued in a completely different, softer tone than before.

“Megan, please tell him this. If he says he can’t be with me, I’ll accept it this time. I want him to live with a smile on his face. If the memories of me are unnecessary for his happiness, he can forget them. Even so, the many things he has given me will never disappear from me.”

The man’s words, woven for my sake, overlapped with a prayer that had once been too dazzling for me to look at directly.

Please, let this man be at peace. He can hate me, he can forget the memories he doesn’t need. If only he is surrounded by warm things now.

Without noticing me behind him, Brian continued to weave words of love towards me.

“Don’t give up everything alone, please be happier than everyone else… Thank you, truly, for being my childhood friend until now.”

Even after hearing his words, I could only stand motionless. Tossed around by something spilling from the depths of my chest, I didn’t feel like I could even move a finger. 

Megan, who had been watching me out of the corner of her eye, finally opened her mouth with a sigh.

“I don’t know what happened between you two. But these words are real. I can tell.”

Saying this, she turned her soft, slightly moist eyes toward me.

“Why don’t you forgive him already? This is the first time in my life I have heard such beautiful words…”

As if he had realized something, Brian suddenly turned around and before the man could fully turn around, I had jumped into his broad back. Feelings I couldn’t put into words overflowed from my chest, and all I could do was put strength into my fingertips and hug the man tightly.

“Luke…”

Even more power went into my fingertips. Brian’s big hands gently cupped and warmed my hands that were clinging desperately to him. There was a tender kindness that made me almost believe that I had become the most precious treasure in the world.

Brian had always thought about me. He was worried about me. He had cared for me. He had been waiting for me all along, even when I was clinging to past wounds and running away to my safe zone… I wanted to pray sincerely at this moment for the happiness of everyone in the world. I just wanted to kneel down and bow my head to the compassion that is overflowing in this world.

“Continue this in your room. I won’t tell you where the key is again.”

To Megan’s angry words, Brian replied with a calm voice I had never heard before.

“Thank you, Megan. For always being on his side.”

What kind of face did he have at that moment?

After a short silence, Megan muttered to me.

“You’re going to have a hard time, Luke. With such a great guy. Serves you right.”

With my face buried in the back of the most handsome man in the world, I unconsciously began to smile from the bottom of my heart.