INM 8 Part 4

I gritted my teeth involuntarily. Even as I did so, my body was being rewritten by this man, moment by moment. Although it wasn’t hot, sweat suddenly broke out for no apparent reason, soaking the sheets around my pillow. I shuddered at the reaction of my body, which was completely foreign to me.

“I’m here.” 

Brian’s words made me realize that I had been calling his name repeatedly without realizing it. In my vision, which swayed with the rhythm, my gaze met a pair of blue-gray eyes that were watching me intently.

“Hey… what is this… I’m scared.” 

My voice shook with fear. Brian just let out a low, sweet chuckle, his eyes narrowed in bliss. He ran his fingers over my body like he was strumming an instrument, like he was stroking a beloved pet. And each time my body writhed exactly as Brian intended. Once again, my mind was flooded with white. My right shoulder twitched. I realized that I was approaching my limit. I wanted to be released quickly, but I was afraid of that very moment.

“You idiot, Brian, just wait!” 

I said in an angry tone. As if in response to my spiteful words, Brian gently nipped my earlobe and ran his thick tongue along it. The muscles in my entire body contracted violently and I let out a muffled scream, digging my nails into the man’s back with all my might.

For a moment I felt as if I had slipped out of consciousness.

Before I knew it, the night had fallen silent, and the sounds of passing cars… which would have reached the fifteenth floor during the day, and the bustle of the city were no longer even faintly audible.

The sweat that had been warm now ran down my skin in cold droplets. I couldn’t quite tell if the moisture was from my own body or from the man lying limply on top of me. My heavy, tired body felt as if it had been sucked into the bed, completely drained of strength, yet my mind was as clear as ever.

Even after such intense physical exertion, sleep wouldn’t come to me. 

But, well, that wasn’t so bad right now. The warmth and bodily fluids of another person, which should have been uncomfortable, were now simply comfortable.

As I vaguely enjoyed the warmth of our intertwined bodies and the cool sensation of the breeze blowing in from the slightly open window, Brian, who I thought was asleep, let out a muffled groan near my ear.

“Take your time.” 

I thought he was still a little asleep, so I tried to call out to him, but Brian shook his head in a childish way and slowly got up from me. As he moved, his stiff, black hair, which I had thought was straight, tickled my neck. I couldn’t help but laugh, and the man looked down at me with a dazed expression before kissing my lips. His expression gradually regained its clarity… he must have realized that he was still inside me, and he stroked my cheek with a confused look.

“I’m going to pull out now.”

His hoarse voice full of consideration that unexpectedly made my cheeks flush.

“Ah, okay.” 

I replied quickly, lifting my upper body slightly. I only had a fleeting thought of how uncomfortable this was, as the mere feeling of intrusion quickly turned into a sweet sensation with Brian’s movement. I endured the sweetness and closed my eyes and mouth tightly. Brian’s body stiffened in response to mine, and a hot sigh escaped his lips.

With a thud that made the springs creak, Brian lay down on his back next to me. We were both panting as if we had just finished a task, but Brian swallowed his breath and turned his head towards me.

“Can’t you sleep?”

“Well, something like that.”

“Since when?” 

He asked casually. I was silent for a moment.

“You noticed?”

“Well, yes.” 

“You can go to sleep first. I’ll probably be up for a while.”

“No.” Brian said, blinking his sleepy eyes and putting his hands behind his head. “I’ll keep you company. I want to talk to you for a while.”

“Don’t overdo it.” 

I said with a laugh, imitating Brian by putting my palms under my head. Immediately, memories of lying on the grass after playing hard came flooding back. Now they were just happy memories.

“So, what kind of conversation do you want?” 

“Are you close to that young man I met in your office the other day?”

“You’re bringing that up now?”

“…”

“Oh my, you were actually worried about that.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Even though you say that…”

As I wondered if this was appropriate pillow talk, I pictured the two young men.

“By “young men”, you mean those two college students, right? One is completely clueless about romance, and the other is probably, though he doesn’t realize it, attracted to a girl he recently met. How does that feel? Do you feel relieved?”

“It’s not like I was worried.”

“Well, you and I were kissing back then.”

I couldn’t help but smile wryly, remembering my own flighty self back then. Come to think of it, when he suddenly kissed me back then, was it what they call a “warning shot”?

Brian opened his mouth awkwardly when he saw me grinning at the thought.

“Actually, there’s something I need to tell you about that. You… you told me that the kiss in the office was special, but…”

“What? Are you telling me that your first kiss was actually with someone else?”

The words, which I had intended to be a joke, didn’t come out as funny as I had expected. Seeing that I couldn’t follow up with “I don’t mind.” Brian unfolded his clasped hands and rubbed his face roughly.

“No, you were my first kiss. In other words, I actually kissed you a long time ago.”

“What?”

Brian awkwardly apologized to my astonished face and said, “Sorry.”

“Remember when you and I were thrown into a summer camp in fifth grade?” 

“Oh, I remember it well. It was when we were about ten, right?”

“Yeah.”

Which meant it was the last summer before I knew the pain of love. Brian and I, just best friends who adored each other, ran around with abandon.

“But do we really need to count something that happened when we were so young? It was just… curiosity, right?”

Brian shrugged his bare shoulder at my hesitation.

“It was too calculating a kiss to be called mere curiosity.”

Calculating. It was a word that seemed so out of place for a preteen boy. I was somewhat taken aback as I thought back to my younger self. I had only memories of being scolded for rushing into things without thinking. Back then, I felt a strange sense of pride in how my unruly behavior shocked those around me.

“So you’re saying you liked me back then? No offense, but did I really have anything attractive about me back then? Just treating you as an equal wouldn’t lead to a kiss, would it?”

“In my eyes, you were the strongest, tallest, and coolest back then.”

“Was I?”

“I was small then. So you were about the only one who treated me as an equal.”

The man’s words made me vaguely remember the past. Now that I thought about it, Brian used to be much smaller. A skinny, black-haired boy who would follow me around and then cry. All the adults adored and fussed over this little childhood friend.

As I fondly recalled the crying face of the boy who could have been mistaken for a girl, the now handsome Brian said something outrageous.

“I was thinking things like, “It’s going to be hard to pin this one down.”

“You’re kidding…”

Brian continued calmly, seeing me speechless at his words.

“Up until then, I was pure. I continued to make misguided efforts to become a man worthy of you, and before I knew it, I lost myself and became twisted in strange ways as I continued to meet the expectations of those around me.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sometimes when you’re trying to meet everyone’s expectations, you lose sight of what you really want… hey, more importantly, we should probably discuss the definition of “pure” for a bit.”

As I said this in a somewhat exasperated tone, a sterile ring tone echoed through the room. My phone was on silent, so it must be a call for Brian. The pocket of his ridiculously long pants, which had been thrown to the floor, was flashing.

My lover, unsure of what to say, looked at me questioningly. It was early in the morning… probably around three o’clock. Even I would be worried if he got a call at this hour. I waved my hand dismissively and Brian, after a moment of hesitation, got out of bed. My eyes were immediately drawn to his perfectly naked body.

“It’s Sam.”

“Figures. He’s as tactless as ever.” 

I replied absently, somehow managing to tear my eyes away from his body. Seriously, he had an absolutely stunning physique. I’d avoided acknowledging his attractiveness until now, but he really had the kind of body that made you want to prepare a monk’s robe or a suit of armor. A single T-shirt wouldn’t even begin to hide it.

While I was thinking this, I noticed that Brian’s voice was getting more and more strained. Wondering what was going on, I turned my eyes back to him. He walked over to me, sat down on the edge of the bed and said. 

“The person who attacked your friend has apparently turned himself in.”

“Turned himself in!”

I almost jumped up, but instead I just sank back into the bed.

“Damn it, I have no strength in my legs at all! It’s all your fault for being so careless!”

Brian grinned erotically at my words, casually ran his fingers through his hair and stuck out his chin.

“Sam wants to talk to you.”

“Tell him it’s impossible. Tell him I can’t move because of you.”

Brian kissed my complaining lips again, then got up and disappeared through the bedroom door. After seeing him off, I relaxed my tense facial muscles and sighed.

“I see. He turned himself in.” 

It was a strange feeling. I was certainly relieved that the case was closed, but at the same time I felt incredibly trapped.

Alan, you’re really gone from this world.

The current me might have finally been able to help you properly.

Words of regret for the young man surfaced in my heart like bubbles appearing and disappearing… And yet, even now, I can’t remember his face.

The doorknob clicked and Brian appeared from behind the door. After staring at me for a moment while I reflexively pulled the corners of my mouth up into a smile, Brian slowly walked over to me and sat down on the bed.

Then he ran his fingers through my hair as I looked up at him and began to speak.

“Listen, Luke…”

“I know.”

Brian stopped speaking at my words.

“I understand.” 

I said, forcing a weak smile. Brian then leaned over and hugged me, his big, warm body wrapped around me. His large, warm hands, appropriate to his physique, stroked my slightly damp, curly hair. Again and again… The feel of his rough, strong body certainly made me aware of the boundary between us, but even so, I felt as if my soul was being held directly in his arms.

The next moment, as my heart and body were filled with this absolute sense of security, I felt all my strength drain away.

Before I could even think, “What’s happening?” my consciousness faded and for the first time in about a week I was pulled into a deep, deep sleep. A world of deep, heavy darkness… like sinking into the mud, was the perfect way to describe it.

Hey Luke. You know what I think is the most pathetic thing about myself in my entire life? It’s that I still know that my father loves me.

The fact that the man who tramples me so much still has love for me… love that he himself doesn’t even realize… and I can’t look away from that. I can’t ignore his desire to connect with me.

Kids are pathetic, aren’t they? 

I wish I hadn’t noticed, but I did. I noticed the love I glimpsed, and now I have expectations.

I expect him to notice that love himself.

Just once.

If he could express that love… not with control but with trust, not with violence but with hugs, not with heart-rending screams but with gentle words… I could forgive everything that has happened with just that one act of kindness.

But that’s not going to happen, Luke.

I hate the idea of a life where I can only connect with the people I love the way my father does. Do you think I can connect with people in the gentle way you talk about?

Can I face him?

Do you really think so?

Will you trust me and watch over me?

Thank you, Luke. It’s a promise…

The scene shifted as if space itself was twisting.

From above I heard Alan’s voice, laced with amusement.

“You always talk about the same person when you’re drunk, Luke.”

“I don’t. I’m not talking about Brian.”

I mumbled foolishly, my face still pressed against the table, and the young man sighed in exasperation.

“My goodness. You always use such mature-sounding words when you talk to me, but you can’t even do something for yourself. That’s not a very good example, is it?”

“I take action by not taking action.”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

Alan pulled at my curly hair with interest. I felt as if a stray cat that never approached anyone had suddenly come near me, and I held my breath for a moment. 

Perhaps he thought I had fallen asleep, for the young man lowered his voice.

“I will give you a suggestion so that you can properly contact your childhood friend. It’s not just young people who need advice, sometimes adults need to do the right thing, too. Don’t you think?”