IYAMD: Episode 57

He pushed the man’s chest away. The moment his tongue invaded his mouth, Jaha pushed back with all his strength. Marsilia skillfully bent his back to create some distance and then took Jaha’s hand. He gently covered Jaha’s hand with his, and he could have pulled his hand away if he wanted to. But the moment his warm body temperature softly enveloped his hand, Jaha unconsciously relaxed.

Meanwhile, the tongue that had invaded his mouth persistently licked the roof. In an instant, saliva overflowed, and the ticklish sensation made his tongue squirm. After sweeping across the roof of his mouth, Marsilia pulled away, breathing heavily. He leaned his forehead against Jaha’s, panting.

“I’m happy that my name is in a place where others can’t see it, but the fact that I can’t see it myself feels is making me crazy.”

Before Jaha knew it, the hand that had been caught by Marsilia was now resting on his chest. He could feel the pounding heartbeat through his chest muscles.

He felt dizzy as he thought that his own name was there. Jaha squeezed his eyes shut, he heard Marsilia whispering in a panting voice.

“If you close your eyes now… It makes me want to kiss you again”

Because their foreheads were pressed together, his breath fell on Jaha’s lips every time he whispered.

“Ahem!”

The moment Jaha was about to tell him to not do it. They heard a cough in the tent.

Jaha was so suprised that he immediately pushed him away, and this time Marsilia didn’t resist.

“Malek”

The man who was almost pushed to the groung, raised his body and called his attendant.

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Malek came over and put down the food tray. Marsilia asked him.

“Could you make a bit more noise before entering?”

“I always do, Your Majesty. It’s a shame that’s Your Majesty didn’t notice it.”

Marsilia frowned irritably as if there was nothing more to say. Since he too had not felt Malek’s presence, Jaha didn’t have much to say either.

As the two fell silent, Malek let out a small sigh and began to lecture.

“For someone who just woke up after two days… Please maintain some decorum, Your Majesty. Moreover, this isn’t exactly a secluded place. There are many eyes on Lord Jaha.”

“If someone heard, they’d think I’m doing something inappropriate to Jaha,” Marsilia grumbled, claiming he had only kissed him.

Jaha, hearing the two bickering, began eating while warming himself with some hot tea.

“As you’re eating, listen, Jaha. While you were asleep, the search continued, but we haven’t found the missing knights. Tomorrow, we’ll expand the search towards the Deto Mountain range.”

Jaha blinked and, instead of replying, gestured with his eyes, prompting Marsilia to continue slowly.

“I think I should go with you… but I’m unsure of what to do with you.”

“Why?”

“I worry that if I take you with me, you might collapse again, but if I leave you behind, I worry that you might disappear.”

At Marsilia’s honest confession, Jaha put down the bread he was eating and nodded.

“Then let’s go together.”

“But…”

He stopped speaking with a troubled expression, then sighed and smiled like it was a burden.

“I feel like it might bring back bad memories for you.”

“Then leave me behind.”

Jaha lightly shook his hands, which had crumbs on them, and spoke casually. He didn’t exactly fail to understand the dilemma in his heart, but hearing the honest doubt didn’t feel good.

Jaha looked at Marsilia and asked directly, “Am I your prisoner?”

“A prisoner?”

Marsilia widened his eyes and asked, then twisted his lips in confusion. Jaha, observing his expression, asked again.

“What do you want to do with me? Do you want to treat me well? Or do you want to lock me up and threaten me?”

Ignoring the pain in his throat, Jaha spoke smoothly. Seeing Jaha frown, Marsilia sighed softly.

“I don’t know.”

Marsilia answered while sweeping his face with his palm.

“I don’t know either. I’ve never imagined something like this in all the years I’ve lived.”

With a strange, gleaming look in his eyes, he asked Jaha back.

“You tell me. What do you think I want to do with you?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

After rubbing his face as if his skin were stretched too tight, Marsilia covered his cheeks and lowered his gaze.

“When I first saw you, Jaha, I wondered if I should kill you or not. Even when your mind was unstable, I thought about it. Dozens of times a day, I debated whether I should kill you or just endure a little longer.”

He lowered his head deeply, pulling his palm over his mouth so much that it almost covered it. His skin flushed slightly from the pressure.

“Even though I knew I couldn’t kill you with my own hands, I still agonized over it. Eventually, when I gave up, you regained your senses.”

He sighed heavily and released his grip from his cheek, leaving behind a red handprint on his face. He rested his chin on his palm.

“When I concluded that I had to save you, do you know what you did?”

Before his words could come out, Jaha already knew the answer. Marsilia seemed to have noticed Jaha’s true thoughts, but he didn’t force the words out.

However, he looked Jaha straight in the eyes and said:

“I don’t know about anything else. But, I won’t let you die in front of me. I won’t let you run away either. If you accept my kindness, I’ll continue to treat you kindly.”

He smiled bitterly as he added.

“I just hope I don’t become a bastard who had to pretends to be kind,” he muttered as he took Jaha’s hand and kissed the back of it. The kiss was light, but a hollow voice escaped as his lips parted.

“I know you’re strong. I know that you stayed here out of your consideration. But still, I can’t trust you. I want you to be where I can see you.”

“Then the conclusion is clear. I’ll follow you.”

He answered softly after letting go of Jaha’s hand, then stood up, avoiding Jaha’s gaze, and quietly left the tent. Jaha couldn’t understand why he was reacting like this.

After a while, Malek, who had been quietly listening to their conversation, asked Jaha in a low voice.

“I’ll clean up, Lord Jaha.”

Jaha nodded silently. As soon as Marsilia disappeared, the inside of the tent seemed strangely darker. The bright hair of the man seemed like a lantern, and when it went out, it felt as if the light inside the room went out too.

“Please rest. His Majesty will return soon. Tomorrow, you should receive some reports from the palace in the morning, and then we can reschedule the agenda,” Malek spoke cautiously, and Jaha quietly responded.

“Yes.”

Malek gave him a surprised look, then burst into laughter.

“You know how to speak politely. I thought you had been treating His Majesty rather casually, so I thought you might have poor manners.”

“That’s…” Jaha curled his lips slightly, then wetted them with his tongue and continued.

“Because that man is annoying.”

“Hmm… I shall pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“…Thank you.”

After Malek left, Jaha quietly hugged his knees. He rested his head on them and closed his eyes, thinking of the face of the man who had disappeared, almost as if he was sulking.

When he recalled that complicated expression, an inexplicable smile formed on his lips. After the faint smile faded, Jaha sighed softly.

When had he stopped thinking of running away? It couldn’t have been that long ago, but the exact time was unclear. No, from the beginning, Jaha hadn’t seriously thought about running away.

Rather than fleeing, he had wanted to die. He simply hadn’t wanted to live. When he thought death was imminent, he was surprised to found himself alive and ran away. It was a natural response to the sudden change in his surroundings, so he understood why it happened.

Besides, for some time now, Jaha had wanted to help that man who was living such a difficult life. Their relationship had likely improved around that time.

“Answer me, Jaha. Do you like me just a little now?” The man’s anxious question came to mind.

“A little, maybe.”

It was likely just a vague feeling of friendship, or maybe a bit of pity. Or perhaps it was a slight sense of kinship.

But it wasn’t unpleasant. His hands, his body heat, his voice, or his bright blonde hair.

In fact, even kissing him wasn’t as repulsive or disgusting as Jaha would have expected. It wasn’t that Jaha wanted to do anything else with him, but he could feel that the sensation was soft and warm.

He would probably say it wasn’t enough. Jaha couldn’t answer because he knew that would disappoint him. If it was just the affection a person feels for another person, he would be disappointed.

Was that so? Jaha suddenly opened his eyes and lifted his head.

He didn’t want to see him disappointed.

Jaha sighed as he recalled the reason he hadn’t answered. He thought of something else. Burying his head deeply into his knees, Jaha wondered what he was thinking. No matter how much he searched his mind, he had so little to think about. He had nothing else to think about, so all he could do was sigh in frustration.