M 64

Sehwa silently mouthed his words. Something I want?

“Think carefully.”

Judging by Ki Tae-jeong’s leisurely manner, it seemed he had a particular answer in mind. His long fingers tapped rhythmically on Sehwa’s waist. He swallowed the big sigh that threatened to burst out. Sehwa didn’t want to ponder anything anymore. He didn’t have the energy to read his mood and play along.

“Then please let me go.”

“Are you serious? Isn’t that wasting a precious opportunity on such a small request?”

With each blink, Sehwa’s eyelashes brushed against Ki Tae-jeong’s clothes. A fragile silence seemed to weigh down only on Sehwa. While he felt on the verge of being crushed, the man supporting the same air appeared unaffected. That suddenly felt unfair.

“Really nothing?”

“……”

“There must be something you need from me.”

This isn’t some kind of joke…. Sehwa carefully pushed Ki Tae-jeong away. His steel-like body, which hadn’t budged earlier when he struggled, loosened slightly. Was he letting him? Even so, his hand remained wrapped around his waist. There wasn’t enough space for him to step off his feet. In the end, he could do nothing but breathe within his line of sight.

“Lee Sehwa.”

As he just kept his eyes lowered, Ki Tae-jeong finally sensed something was amiss and abruptly lifted his chin. Sehwa’s water-laden eyelashes kept drooping, unable to bear their weight.

After examining every corner of his pale face, Ki Tae-jeong clicked his tongue softly and lifted Sehwa up again like before. He landed on the soft bed. As if repeating the previous night, he gently laid him down. His arm was placed like a pillow behind his collapsing body.

“Sleep more. They say pregnant people sleep all day anyway.”

The only difference was that they were facing each other this time. Ki Tae-jeong gazing intently at him felt unfamiliar. It was different from earlier when he had looked taken aback by his question about payment for s3x. This too was an expression he’d never seen before. His probing gaze was persistent. He drew close enough to count his eyelashes, staring directly at him. Though his tightly closed lips didn’t move, somehow he seemed to be smiling.

Unable to bear his intense stare that looked like it would devour him, Sehwa turned away restlessly. He inhaled sharply as if in disbelief. Ki Tae-jeong didn’t seem angry. It was more like the amused laugh of someone whose pet had done something bold.

As he fully turned his back to him, Ki Tae-jeong pressed close as if he’d been waiting for this. Sehwa instinctively curled up, wrapping his arms around his abdomen. To prevent him from touching it. To keep Ki Tae-jeong from caressing him there and preventing him from sleeping like last night.

The moment he grasped his clothes near his stomach with crossed hands, Ki Tae-jeong buried his face in the crook of his neck. He firmly kneaded Sehwa’s tense shoulders and arms before releasing them. As if telling him to relax.

That touch seemed to trigger a tingling sensation that spread throughout his body. Sehwa’s throat stung as if he’d swallowed a ball of fire. The familiar sorrow welled up again, relentless.

“Lieutenant Na will handle your first checkup, but after that you’ll see other doctors, just so you know.”

“……”

“He’s coming again tomorrow morning. He was bringing various things earlier, saying he’d look at something with an ultrasound.”

A large hand overlapped Sehwa’s, which was clutching his top. As if gently coaxing him not to misbehave, he detached his hand from the clothes and tried to fall asleep while still restraining Sehwa’s hand.

“…Clothes.”

Sehwa’s lips parted as he stared at the stretched-out knit fabric that had molded to the shape of their hands. It was beyond his control. Seeing their overlapped hands made his breath catch. He felt he had to say something, anything. Otherwise, he felt he would endlessly loop back, clutching Ki Tae-jeong. It was a lie, wasn’t it? No, it wasn’t. What was he supposed to believe? Wasn’t there any way to prove Ki Tae-jeong didn’t know?

“Please let me wear clothes.”

“Clothes? What clothes?”

“I’m not allowed to wear anything when I’m with you, Brigadier General, right?”

The hot breath pouring over his skin suddenly stopped.

“What you asked earlier… then I’ll go with this. Please let me wear clothes, not a gown.”

Maybe because he was used to it, it wasn’t actually that bothersome. It wasn’t really about clothes right now anyway. But after blurting it out, he realized this might have been the first thing Ki Tae-jeong did to hurt him. Tossing him just a gown without even underwear. Taking away even his right to wear normal clothes like everyone else.

Ki Tae-jeong didn’t respond. He made an unclear sound that was neither pained nor a sigh, and embraced Sehwa with all his strength. Sleep, just sleep. He might have said something like that.

Sehwa thought it would be difficult to fall asleep again since he had just woken up, but his tired body soon sent his consciousness drifting far away. Was this because of the pregnancy too? Feeling drowsy as soon as he lies down…. In the hazy moment just before sleep overtook him, Sehwa suddenly realized there was no cigar scent. The man who used to smoke incessantly regardless of who was around now only smelled of his favorite cologne.

His blinking slowed. A single tear slid down his cheek, landing silently on Ki Tae-jeong’s forearm. The bulging veins along his arm bore its weight, as if holding his pain in place.

***

When Sehwa woke up, the spot next to him was empty again. However, the neatly stacked tower of gifts had collapsed miserably. Many boxes lay open-mouthed on top of the mountain of shopping bags that had precariously made their way to the bed. Inside were new clothes with tags still attached.

Sehwa took a deep breath through his nose and reached for the pile of clothes spread out like a protest. This must be the answer to yesterday’s request to let him wear clothes. It’s impressive that Sehwa didn’t wake up despite the noise that must have been made when all those items spilled out.

Trying hard to ignore the dangling price tags, he changed his clothes and stepped outside. Warrant Officer Choi, who had been standing at the bottom of the stairs, quickly turned to look at him. Though his face was still expressionless, he now felt he could tell that he was somewhat glad to see him.

“I was told to leave everything as it was until Mr. Lee Sehwa woke up, so I’ve been waiting.”

The place he guided him to was a different room from yesterday. Sehwa paused briefly at the doorway, rubbing his sweaty palms against his pants. The conversation with Lieutenant Na, the emotions he felt then, what Ki Tae-jeong had said… his body involuntarily tensed up as memories from yesterday flooded his mind chaotically.

I’m scared. If it’s true that my body has changed to be able to get pregnant. Then from now on, I…

“Oh, you’re here?”

Lieutenant Na, who had been pressing various buttons, greeted Sehwa cheerfully as he sensed his presence.

“How are you feeling?”

“…Well, just…”

Ki Tae-jeong, who had been looking out the window with his arms crossed, glanced at him. His indifferent gaze swept over the pieces of cloth wrapped around his body.

“We’ll do the ultrasound here today, but from next time, we’ve planned for you to receive care at the hospital. The Brigadier General said that no matter how good the equipment here is, it can’t be as perfect as a hospital, and I agree.”

Lieutenant Na pointed to a long chair, indicating for him to sit. It looked completely different from the examination chairs he’d occasionally seen on the news. It was curved so one could half-lie down, comfortable, and had such a sophisticated design that it could be a decorative piece on its own. This must be what they use in hospitals for 5-Star people.

“Could you lift your top a little? Yes, that’s good.”

As Ki Tae-jeong sat on the stool right next to him, the examination began. Lieutenant Na squeezed cold gel onto his stomach.

“Hmm?”

Lieutenant Na tilted his head curiously as he rubbed a white, round stick over Sehwa’s abdomen. Then he moved the device, widening the range a bit more.

“Ah… found it now. Can you see?”

Sehwa turned his head towards the screen, all huddled up. He wanted to confirm for himself whether he was really pregnant, but he was also scared and didn’t want to look. Until yesterday, he had been too busy replaying Ki Tae-jeong’s words to think deeply about anything else, but now that the results were being pushed in front of his eyes, it finally felt real. What it meant to be pregnant.

“This is the gestational sac. For Mr. Lee Sehwa, it’s a bit lower than in a typical male body. I expected it to be between 5 and 6 weeks, but looking at the development, it seems to be a full 6 weeks…”

“Is it dangerous? Being that low?”

“It doesn’t seem to be an immediate problem. Actually, right now, the shape of the gestational sac is more of an issue than its position… Of course, it’s still early, so it might change over time. We’ll have to keep watching.”

Ki Tae-jeong stared intently at the screen, stroking his chin. His demeanor was so intense it was as if he was glaring at an enemy rather than a baby. And Sehwa…

“Um, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, Mr. Lee Sehwa. Are you uncomfortable somewhere?”

“Ah, no. It’s not that… Is this really a baby and not something else?”

Sehwa stared at the monochrome screen with his mouth slightly open. Oh, what should I do about this? He still felt dazed and flustered, but… he was also amazed and fascinated, unconsciously losing himself in the moment. In the black and white space spread out like the development of a cone, something like a bean was firmly embedded.

Now that he actually saw it, his fear of the child itself actually subsided. In fact, Sehwa had thought that when the ultrasound device was applied, the baby would be staring right back at him from inside his belly. But that… it was just a tiny bean, seemingly not even 1cm, without even a face yet.

“It’s only been 6 weeks. At this stage, we don’t even call it a fetus, but an embryo. It’s too small. Still, we can do all the simulations. I input your blood test information from yesterday, so we can roughly predict the face of the child that will be born. When the hologram is ready, I’ll display it on the screen.”

Is the child moving now? The graph below the squashed bean was dancing vigorously.

“Ah, we can hear the heartbeat too. Would you like to listen?”

“…It has a heart? But it’s so tiny?”

“Of course. We can hear it from exactly 6 weeks, and somehow the timing is perfect.”

“Show me, no, let me hear it.”

As if entranced, Sehwa nodded, and Lieutenant Na pressed some buttons. A few seconds of silence followed. The pulse throbbing in his ears seemed to be his own heartbeat. Just as Sehwa was about to tilt his head in confusion, a thump-thump-thump sound began to echo through the room. It was a fast and strong heartbeat, unbelievable that it was coming from that squashed bean-like thing.

Sehwa alternated between looking at the ultrasound screen and his own stomach. It’s alive. There’s really something living and breathing in here. A life form with a heart, despite being only the size of a fingernail.

Sehwa had absolutely no desire to have a child. Even while crying and breaking down because of Ki Tae-jeong yesterday, even while not fully grasping whether the pregnancy was real or not, that thought remained firm. He fully agreed with Ki Tae-jeong’s words that a child who would grow up like him wasn’t needed.

If the baby had a choice, wouldn’t it want to be born to parents in a better environment? He was a criminal from the 4-Hwan with nothing to his name. Ki Tae-jeong, of course, wouldn’t want to be held back by a child issue. A child that both sides were uncomfortable with. It might be more unfortunate for it to be born.

However… apart from Sehwa’s resolve, it was certainly an awe-inspiring sight. It wasn’t that he suddenly felt love and preciousness just from hearing the heartbeat of a child he hadn’t even wanted. It’s just… he had only ever seen people dying, and had never once thought he would encounter the beginning of life…. So it felt a bit strange. All he knew how to do was deal drvgs and gamble. Despite having lived selling such wicked things. To think that this body was carrying a child….

“Whether you decide to have the child or not, Mr. Lee Sehwa will need about a month of preparation time, so be especially careful not to have a natural miscarriage during that time. If that happens, things could really get complicated. This is already a time when miscarriages are common, but given Mr. Lee Sehwa’s constitution, you need to be twice as careful as others.”

“Uh, um… But… that, isn’t the heart beating too fast? It seems like it might be a bit startled from suddenly being looked at.”

As he hesitantly asked how to soothe the child, Ki Tae-jeong lightly touched Sehwa’s cheek with his bent index finger. As if to say he was talking nonsense. For a moment, the corners of his eyes seemed to curve gently, but it disappeared so quickly that Sehwa couldn’t be sure if what he saw was real.

“It’s fine. This bpm is normal. Hmm. The condition of the gestational sac is a bit concerning, but the fetus’s development is very good. So, Mr. Lee Sehwa, don’t stress and just focus more on your own body… Ah, the hologram is ready.”

Lieutenant Na rapidly pressed several keyboard-like buttons. Though he had been explaining calmly at first, he too seemed to be getting increasingly excited.

“This program predicts what the baby will look like after the redness fades right after birth, and it’s quite accurate. That’s why people with money pre-order at this stage. They ask for certain facial features to be adjusted when the baby is put in the incubator.”

The screen split with a cheerful chime. On the left floated the now somewhat familiar black kidney bean, and on the right lay a naked newborn.

“Oh my, the baby….”

As Lieutenant Na exclaimed and pressed more buttons, the face of the baby with tightly closed eyes was greatly magnified.

“Wow. It’s really beautiful. It’s the spitting image of Mr. Lee Sehwa.”

The tip of Ki Tae-jeong’s eyebrow, who had been watching the screen impassively until now, twitched slightly. As Lieutenant Na said, the tiny face on the screen perfectly captured Sehwa’s features. It looked just like how he might have looked as a baby.