MDQ Ch 19

“Do you know Jung Yohan? He’s a singer who reminds me of my eldest son, and my second son is that singer’s manager. Thanks to him, I get to meet Yohan occasionally. I insisted that I must meet Yohan. But this is a secret—don’t ever tell anyone,” My father spoke boastfully, clearly puffed up with pride.

He seemed more thrilled by the fact that he was secretly meeting a famous entertainer, Jung Yohan, than by the fact that I was Jung Yohan’s manager.

“Maybe because I meet Yohan often… my depression has gotten much better. But after meeting you, I completely recovered. That’s why these days, pretending to be depressed in front of my second son is work. I’m not depressed at all… What? Do I still want to die?”

I guessed his conversation partner had asked if life was hard.

“Why would I die leaving you behind? After meeting you, life became enjoyable enough that I don’t even need to meet Yohan. Why do I still pretend to be depressed now? That’s because I worry my second son might quit the company.” My father continued without pause, “If I said I no longer needed Jung Yohan, my second son would quit the company immediately. Work must be hard for him. Tsk. But he can’t even handle that…”

My slightly parted lips trembled. I couldn’t believe he had actually said, “I no longer needed Jung Yohan.”

“Anyway, I’ll coax my second son into giving me more money, and then we’ll get married.”

I repeated my father’s words in my head.

He said he wasn’t depressed anymore, that he only pretended to be for his own gain, that he no longer needed Jung Yohan, and that he wanted to marry his lover with the money I provided…

Every word from my father struck me like a cruel dagger.

I felt invisible blood pouring through me. It felt as if my heart had been carved with a wound that would never heal.

Clutching my tightening chest, I stared at my father.

He seemed genuinely happy, whispering words of love to some woman I didn’t know when he might have been meeting her for who knows how long.

Above his laughter, memories of the past scolding he had shouted at me surfaced.

“You’re only useful when you’re working for the company. So do that properly.”

“If it weren’t for Yohan, why would I even cook your meals?”

“If you don’t want to see me die, then get along with Yohan. Give me allowance regularly too.”

Three years. For three long years, I worked like a dog in the company, taking injustice silently, apologizing only, and sending over half of my earnings to my father.

All of it was for him.

There was little reason I did it for myself.

Yet my father had never once spoken a kind word to me. Never smiled at me like he did now.

Still, I had understood him.

I thought only I could empathize with the grief of losing both the older brother he loved and my mother.

Because I too had lost them, I had dutifully served my father.

But now he said that he was happier than ever.

“…”

I clenched my fists so tightly that blood could barely flow. My lower lip, bitten instinctively, tasted metallic.

I wanted to confront him immediately, but I couldn’t move.

I feared his reply.

I worried that he would confirm I was nothing to him.

I loved my father, but I was terrified of realizing more clearly that he did not love me.

Hot tears slid silently down my cheeks.

I shed silent tears without even being able to wipe them away. Even at the moment, my father disappeared from sight after the call ended.

I felt suffocated, as if I were being utterly denied. As if I were born to be useless.

How should I live now?

Should I continue pretending not to hear my father’s true intentions while serving him faithfully?

Because he’s my only family, is it right that I must sacrifice myself?

If I quit this loathsome manager job and disappeared… what would happen to him?

Even in this moment, I worried that my father might take his own life.

“Idiot…”

He was envisioning a future with a new woman; he wouldn’t kill himself.

I kept wiping at my eyes, as if they were broken and the tears just wouldn’t dry.

I wanted to give up everything.

I was fed up with unrequited love, the company, the Given members, and even my father.

I wanted to be with people who loved me, who recognized my worth.

I wanted to be loved.

I wanted to exist as someone who could be loved.

It was a desperate wish soaked in tears.

---

I didn’t have the courage to return to the dorm, soaked in misery.

I sat at a convenience store table near the dorm, sipping beer. Of course, drinking didn’t make me feel any better.

Just as I was wondering if I should get a room at a nearby motel, I spotted a familiar person in the distance.

Even with his cap pulled low, I recognized him instantly.

‘Jung Yohan?’

In the deep night, where even stars were faint, I didn’t understand why Jung Yohan was wandering the streets. Surely he wasn’t looking for me…

Maybe, like the day before, he had just come toward the convenience store to buy ice cream. I vaguely remembered how unusually close we had been in the past.

It felt like a day that would never come back.

Just as I recognized Jung Yohan, he seemed to recognize me immediately. His steps were directed straight toward me.

Soon, he stopped in front of me.

Looking up at Jung Yohan, I saw a harsh expression. His face told me that he was very angry.

He grabbed the beer can in my hand and, as if scolding me, said, “Are you crazy?”

I had no idea what he meant by that.

Not going back to the dorm until dawn? Being called crazy for that was absurd.

I wasn’t a child, nor was there any rule that I had to return to the dorm early, and even the Given members sometimes came back late without notice because of personal schedules.

Wandering without contacting Jung Yohan? What kind of relationship do we have that I should even contact him?

I was so upset I could have cried, yet I couldn’t call anyone. No one around me would help me.

‘I’ve been living my life wrong…’

I had no friends or lover to confide in.

Aside from my older brother, who had passed long ago, no one seemed to listen to me.

I felt completely alone in the world.

Even though I knew the undeniable truth that I was the only one who could stand up for myself, I still wished someone would do it for me.

How nice it would have been if Jung Yohan, whom I had just run into by chance, had spoken to me kindly as if it were a miracle.

Just one word of concern, instead of scolding me for being crazy.

“I asked if you’re crazy.”

Even now, Yohan was scolding me. I finally managed to say something I usually couldn’t.

“I’d rather be crazy.”

If only I were crazy, I could have confronted my father and the Given members openly.

I could have walked away from all this self-esteem-eroding nonsense and lived my life.

“Why…? Did you… cry?”

Seeing my disheveled face, Yohan’s demeanor softened.

He lowered himself slightly, looking up at me as I bowed my head. His face, ready to explode earlier, had relaxed considerably.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Who did you meet? Park Chungrim?”

At least you’re a little concerned for me.

“Just once… just once, can you hold me?”

At my grating voice, Jung Yohan moved. He awkwardly embraced me as I sat on the chair.

The warmth of his body made me cry again. Tears poured endlessly, releasing all the negative emotions I had held in.

Jung Yohan didn’t say a word, just held me until I stopped crying.

After crying for a long while, I finally spoke to him.

“Yohan.”

“Yes?”

“Let’s stop now.”

I truly wanted to give up everything.

Of course, wanting to give up didn’t erase my feelings for Jung Yohan instantly. My heart still raced wildly while in his arms.

But I was genuinely exhausted.

It felt as if the three years I had endured and endured again had all collapsed in an instant.

I wanted to stop sacrificing myself for my father, even if it meant abandoning my love.