NFS 1.3

He must be completely turned off by me. Lying there pathetically, bleeding and crying in pain – that was never how he wanted Ahn-jae to see him. Moreover, today’s first class was an elective he shared with Ahn-jae. He had barely managed to register for it after waiting on standby when he heard Ahn-jae was taking it, but Ahn-jae rarely showed up.

He probably won’t come today either. Thinking this, Seung-ha immediately put his head down after sitting in a corner seat. He was tired and sleepy. His lip, which he’d bitten hard yesterday to hold back tears, had scabbed over and hurt whenever he spoke. Though he knew he shouldn’t fall asleep since he’d need to get up when class started, his mind was hazy. The bustling noise of people entering before class seemed very distant.

Screech – the chair behind him scraped against the floor as someone sat down. He hoped the professor would come in late so he could lie here longer. I need to get up soon. Though these thoughts floated through his head, his consciousness was being pulled into the black whirlpool of sleep. What woke him was his body shaking. No, it was the chair that shook.

Thud, creak.

Something had hit the chair. Though it barely moved even 1cm, Seung-ha, who had been sleeping deeply, jerked his head up as if the ground had fallen away. It took him a few seconds to realize reality, he had been sleeping so deeply. He was in the lecture hall. Only then did he remember he’d come for the elective class. But the students’ movements seemed strange. They were busily packing their bags and getting up, some already heading out. Seung-ha hurriedly asked a nearby student who was standing up.

“Was class cancelled?”

The student turned back with a puzzled look and shook their head.

“It’s over.”

Over? Did I sleep through the entire class? Why didn’t the professor wake me? The student who had answered added with an “Ah…”

“Well, you were sick…”

But he couldn’t hear the rest of what they said.

THUD! CREAK!

His chair shook again. The force pushing from behind was incomparably stronger than what had woken him earlier. Seung-ha finally turned around, and his heart sank. Ahn-jae was in the seat behind him. …Huh? Why is hyung…? While Seung-ha froze in surprise, Ahn-jae’s gaze fell on his injured lip. His eyes turned knife-sharp in an instant.

“You should greet your senior when you see them.”

His voice was cold and harsh. Whatever hope Seung-ha had felt upon seeing him was buried under the approaching despair. He mumbled a “Hello” and hurriedly stood up, grabbing his bag. As he was leaving the lecture hall, he heard Ahn-jae’s friend’s bewildered voice.

“Hey, why are you being so scary?”

Seung-ha felt ashamed. If Ahn-jae was showing his dislike so openly that even his friends noticed, Seung-ha felt he would be abandoned even sooner and more miserably. Though he had more classes, Seung-ha couldn’t stay at school any longer and fled toward home. The whole way, he couldn’t have felt more pathetic for running away. Seon’s words from yesterday kept coming back to him.

‘There are many reasons I hate that fucking hyung, but the biggest is that you’re becoming less and less like yourself. Seung-ha, you may be sensitive, but you were such a resolute and strong person. But now you’re like a hedgehog that’s lost all its spines.’

Seung-ha couldn’t remember the original self Seon spoke of. Though he might have been like that long ago, it felt like someone else’s memory entirely. Seung-ha held back the urge to cry again. All he wanted was to hide his spineless body. But home was no longer a place where he could hide. There was a police car at his apartment. Many people were cursing someone with agitated faces.

“What do you mean you’re arresting us? You’re supposed to catch the scammer!”

“That’s right, that house is already cleaned out. We need to go in and salvage something! Oh no, my money, what about my money, uhuhuhu-“

The police were struggling to hold back people who were sitting down crying, getting angry, and trying to force their way in. Seung-ha instinctively realized they were talking about his home. As he was leaving the area, his mother called. She immediately demanded money.

[You have money, right? I’ll send you the account number, so send it quickly.]

“I don’t have any money.”

[Why don’t you have money? How much did you take? Haa, then by card… Tch, everything’s blocked. Ah, you have a car, don’t you? Seung-ha, sell the car and send mom the money.]

He had already sold the car, and only 8 million won remained. When Seung-ha stayed silent without responding, curses came from his mother’s mouth.

[You fucking bastard, after I raised you all this time.]

The call suddenly cut off like that. Strangely, though all his spines were gone, his mother’s cursing didn’t hurt at all. Though this might be the end of their contact, being abandoned by his mother wasn’t frightening. She was always going to leave someday, and that time had simply come. But why was Ahn-jae so frightening? He was someone who would leave someday too.

‘Ding’

A message notification rang. Seung-ha blankly looked at his smartphone screen. It was a message from Ahn-jae.

―Three days later, 9 o’clock.

His usual appointment message. Seung-ha’s heart, which had been dry as a desert, was suddenly soaked with rain. An emotion he couldn’t tell was sadness or joy rose up to his throat. Yes, I haven’t been abandoned yet.

Wanting to see Ahn-jae for even one more day, Seung-ha went to his first job interview. Since today was his meeting day with Ahn-jae, his heart had been both fluttering and fearful since morning. Though these conflicting emotions shook him with anxiety, Seung-ha tried hard to ignore them. He just needed to save money from the part-time job. He twisted the thread of hope more tightly. Even the rain that had been falling since morning stopped just in time for his interview, making it feel like a stroke of luck.

“Can you start next week?”

The manager expressed interest in hiring him after barely asking any questions, just looking at his face. Though Seung-ha felt relieved, he also hesitated. The work hours were from 6 PM to 1 AM. That meant he couldn’t meet Ahn-jae on weekdays. Though with only 8 million won left, it would all be over after meeting him two or three more times anyway.

“Yes, I can.”

“The work isn’t anything special… Just a moment.”

While the manager went to answer a loudly ringing phone, Seung-ha turned his attention to the TV in the store to calm his nerves.

[Multiple traffic accidents occurred this morning due to rain that’s been falling since dawn. Around 8:20 AM near XXX Station, a dump truck collided with a city bus, killing one and seriously injuring three. The area is experiencing major congestion due to the accident…]

Seung-ha thought absently while watching the news. XXX Station is in Seon’s neighborhood.

“There’s not much to hand over, just come 30 minutes early when you start next week.”

Seung-ha nodded at the returning manager’s words, forgetting about the accident on the news. Making money was important now. If he could earn money and meet Ahn-jae even once more, he wouldn’t care if the world collapsed. Until 5 PM that day, Ahn-jae was Seung-ha’s entire world. That’s why he never expected one phone call at 5 PM would turn his world upside down.

He wanted to tell Seon first about getting the part-time job. But she wasn’t answering her phone. Since he was meeting Ahn-jae tonight, Seung-ha had already booked a hotel and cleaned himself thoroughly. Wearing a bathrobe, he checked for replies from Ahn-jae, but all he had was the message from three days ago.

Still, he knew Ahn-jae would come to this room at the exact time – he always kept his promises. Wondering if he should eat something before Ahn-jae arrived, Seung-ha tried calling Seon again. Once more, the ring tone went on for a while. He was about to hang up when someone answered.

[…Hello.]

It was an unfamiliar voice, deep and low. At first, Seung-ha thought he’d dialed wrong and checked his phone, but the caller name was correct.

“Is this Seon’s phone?”

[Yes. Are you Seon’s friend?]

There was noisy background sound. Maybe it was because the stranger’s voice sounded tired and rough, but Seung-ha was gripped by an inexplicable sense of foreboding.

“Yes, I’m her friend. Did something happen to Seon?”

The person answered after a long pause. Seung-ha hung up and stared blankly ahead before suddenly frantically getting dressed and rushing out of the hotel room.

[Seon was in the bus accident this morning. Seon… we’re preparing her funeral now, could you please contact her other friends?]

His heart was beating so loud as he ran to the hospital that he couldn’t hear any surrounding noise. Even entering the hospital funeral hall, unable to believe his friend’s death, Seung-ha doubted several times if he’d come to the wrong place.

But seeing Seon’s mother crying as if about to faint, and Seon’s friends who’d been contacted wailing with devastated faces, the pounding of his heart turned into sharp blades. He couldn’t breathe. Suddenly this made no sense. They’d met just days ago, and talked on the phone just yesterday. But suddenly, why, why would the perfectly fine Seon, this makes no sense.

Seung-ha collapsed, unable to stand, repeating only those words. But even as more people arrived and the crying grew louder, the reality of Seon’s death remained unchanged. Only then did reason cruelly warn him: this heart-rending pain would leave a scar for life.

This was the first time Seung-ha had experienced such terrible, miserable pain. He’d thought his heart only moved and beat for one person – what a foolish delusion. He thought love was everything. He’d gone all-in on love, and wouldn’t have cared if he disappeared when it ended. He believed that without a shred of doubt. But love wasn’t all that filled him.

No matter how much love swelled like a balloon, filling everything, there was another self hiding in the corners, pushed aside. Call it friendship, compassion, camaraderie, whatever. That 5 PM phone call became a needle that burst the balloon. When he rushed to the hospital and saw the situation with his own eyes, these things that had filled Seung-ha were revealed beneath the torn rubber remnants. His chest hurt so much because this was the price of ignoring them.

9 PM. Seung-ha arrived at the hotel with a blank expression. As if too shocked to process anything, he had sat at the funeral home without crying before leaving. He somehow remembered his appointment with Ahn-jae and came to the hotel, and at the entrance remembered another purpose. He needed to get money for Ahn-jae. Like a machine, he inserted his card at the ATM, entered the PIN, and withdrew money. Not even knowing how much he was taking out, he withdrew everything until he got a notice about insufficient funds. He stuffed the bundles of bills into an envelope and went up to the reserved hotel room.

9:05 PM.

When he touched the keycard and opened the door, the lights were already on inside. Seung-ha stopped in the living room and looked toward the smaller of the two rooms. Light leaked through the slightly open door. He could hear Ahn-jae talking on the phone inside. He often brought his computer and immersed himself in work at the hotel.

“I need to know what kind of error it is to fix it. Don’t get angry, call back again. …Didn’t we outsource that?”

When working, he was calm and never got angry. That’s why Seung-ha liked watching him work. Normally he would have secretly watched him working, but not today. He wasn’t curious at all. He didn’t want to hear his voice any closer, nor did he want to see his face.

Seung-ha stood in the middle of the dark living room, looking down at the floor. Thanks to the carpet, his footsteps made no sound. Moreover, it was so soft it made every step comfortable. But Seon would never again enjoy even such small comforts. Suddenly his chest ached.

In this moment when Ahn-jae was pushed to the back of Seung-ha’s mind for the first time, he began to see himself objectively. Perhaps he had been arrogant about how great his love was. He had prided himself that no one’s love could be more real than his since he had bet everything on it. But if he had truly devoted everything to love, he should only be thinking of Ahn-jae in this moment. That would make him properly lovesick.

But that wasn’t the case. He didn’t even look forward to being intimate with Ahn-jae, and his heart didn’t flutter at all. In his current mood, he wouldn’t care if Ahn-jae disappeared right in front of him. And then he realized. Ah, my love wasn’t much after all. I wasn’t so desperately in love after all.

When he confirmed that what had seemed like a massive mountain was actually a mirage, just a pile of sand underfoot in reality, Seung-ha suddenly found everything laughable. The love, himself, and Ahn-jae too. Seung-ha turned back again.

He took out all the money from his bag, placed it on the table, and headed for the exit. Ahn-jae’s phone conversation leaked faintly. The hotel door closed heavily, cutting off his voice. Seung-ha left the hotel just like that. That’s how it ended.