RAT Chapter 1 (Part 2)

“…What?”

“—So the debut lineup is practically set, huh?”

“No, that’s not…”

“—Then this place isn’t for me. What a shame.”

I pretended to take his “I’ve been waiting” as meaning he’d been waiting for the final trainee for the debut team. Tilting my head, I acted like I was disappointed.

“I just came out of there after getting chewed out for lacking skills.”

“…What? You?”

“Yeah. It’s my first time as a trainee, after all.”

Smiling, I held out my hand to the Regressor.

“Nice to meet you.”

I didn’t say we’d meet again.

If I quit on my own or leave the team, I’ll die, so it’s impossible in this life anyway. And starting from this far back means it’ll take way too long to reach the goal—I was already thinking I might have to restart.

Unlike before, the Regressor now knows he’s the Regressor—or at least isn’t hiding it—and on top of that, he’s started earlier than me this time. That makes it impossible for me to have any informational advantage. How can I risk anything when I have no idea what he knows?

—I fail even when I control everything my way… and now I’m supposed to try with this many unknowns?

Ha, no thanks.

I couldn’t even be bothered to drag it out. The moment I left the building, I hoped I’d just get hit by a car and end it quickly.

…Of course, in the next loop the Regressor might still remember, or start earlier than me again. Maybe it would even be better to reveal that I remember and ask him to cooperate from the start.

But even then… starting over as a trainee is just too much. Absolutely not.

The idea of fluttering around among chirping trainees trying to stand out and look good is ridiculous, and I have no desire to put up with their petty power struggles.

And maybe—just maybe—if I’m lucky, in this loop where I bow out early, the Regressor might actually succeed as an idol.

Honestly, that’s completely possible, isn’t it? I don’t know how many loops he’s been through, but if he’s ever succeeded before, then that’s game over.

…I’m not asking for much. Just send me to the point where the debut lineup is confirmed and the first album is in preparation—that alone would be enough.

As soon as I stepped out of the company building and saw the light turn green, I rushed forward—only to have my wrist grabbed and yanked back hard.

A dump truck roared past right in front of me.

“—Hyung, are you out of your mind?”

“…Ha ha.”

“You know you almost died just now?”

“…It would’ve been over quick.”

“…What?”

I mean, a dump truck is top tier. It would have been over before I even felt pain.

I looked longingly at the retreating top-tier method, then turned my head toward the Regressor who was glaring at me.

“Wow, that really shocked me. Thanks.”

“……”

The Regressor said nothing to my thanks. He just stared into my face and gave a cold smile.

The unfamiliar expression threw me for a moment. By the time I snapped out of it and tried to pull away, he’d already grabbed me around the waist.

Half holding me, the Regressor leaned close and whispered in my ear.

“Hyung, you shouldn’t try to act.”

“…What?”

“For someone who almost died, don’t you think you’re a little too calm?”

“……”

“Were you even scared?”

—Yeah, I should probably make an excuse.

His grip around my waist was so tight it was starting to hurt. I let out a small sigh and patted his back lightly, as if he was the one more shaken.

“To be honest, it doesn’t feel real yet.”

“……”

“…Thank you. Really.”

Alright, time to get back into the act.

I tensed my body, remembering the time I’d been trapped in a freezer. My fingertips started to tremble from the strain.

“…Huh?”

Then my legs gave out and I sank to the ground. My arms and lips still trembled as I looked up at the Regressor as if I didn’t understand what was happening. He clenched his jaw and pulled me back to my feet.

“…Don’t do this, please. I was really waiting for you, hyung.”

“……”

“—But you’re really not him? You really don’t know me?”

…Well. That’s how it is the first time you regress. You wonder if it was all a dream, if you’ve lost your mind.

But like I said before, I’ve been through too much to feel guilty over this.

With a hand that was still shaking, I pushed the Regressor away. Then I drew a long, slow breath, as if forcing out tears that wouldn’t come.

“…Wow, today’s really the worst.”

“…Hyung?”

“Almost got run over, and some total stranger keeps saying things I can’t even understand. Ha ha….”

Even if I couldn’t cry, I could at least make my eyes burn. That should leave a nice reddish tint under them.

I rubbed at my dry eyes as if wiping tears, shot the Regressor a glare, and sprinted toward the crosswalk just as the light changed.

This time, he didn’t try to stop me, and I managed to cross without any danger.

On the other side, I glanced back once at the Regressor, still standing there watching me, then scrunched my face into a deep frown and kept walking.

Ah, no matter how I think about it, the dump truck really was top tier.

---

…I’d forgotten, but in this round I’m still only eighteen. Which means both parents are alive and, as a minor, I have to do whatever they say.

After looping around to make sure regression was still possible, I finally reached home. My mom opened the door with a smile so bright it felt strange. Behind her, Team Leader Seo Dong-hoon waved his hand.

When I just stared silently, he jumped in with an explanation, as if he’d been waiting for the cue.

While he’d stepped out to prepare the contract papers, I’d disappeared and scared him. He said he’d begged the Regressor to guide me to the company and was worried we might have fought.

When he couldn’t reach me by phone, he called my mom. And when he told her we needed to sign the contract, she immediately gave him our home address.

…Come to think of it, wasn’t this not long after I quit JM because of bullying?

JM—one of the so-called big four entertainment companies. When I passed their audition, Mom spent the whole day glued to the phone, calling every relative she had. She didn’t even cook; Dad and I pretended to complain, but we filled up on fried chicken for the first time in ages.

From Mom’s perspective, her kid who’d been so serious about becoming an idol suddenly gave up and spent all day holed up, staring at the floor. Of course she’d feel bad.

…Still, even so, isn’t it a bit much to sign a contract right away when I purposely didn’t even take the papers? Isn’t it?

Either way, I was cornered.

If I refused to sign now, everyone would assume something happened with the Regressor. And with the debut lineup not even set, it’s obvious what happens to a trainee who seems to have a character problem after fighting another trainee.

Sure, I could just restart, but—honestly—this isn’t because I failed the restart I planned. I’m just curious which loop the Regressor remembers this time.

Out of all the countless regressions, none has stood out with this much oddity. Wouldn’t it be stranger not to wonder?

And though I don’t know exactly when his loop began, maybe this time the Regressor will more easily accept the need for success—especially the need to practice dancing.

…Well, the game is basically over anyway, since Mom has already signed.

“I guess I must’ve been really nervous. He said when he saw my face, he was shocked and kept asking if I was okay, if I needed to go to the hospital.”

“Ah, you did look like that at the audition.”

“…Our Yeoul did?”

“—So maybe I was so out of it I didn’t realize I hadn’t picked up the paperwork. I’m sorry.”

At my words, Mom looked at me in surprise, her eyes quickly filling with tears.

“No, really, it’s only right to explain things in person, not just hand over documents.”

Team Leader Seo waved his hand with a smile, but Mom was already ready to cry.

“Our, our Yeoul…”

“…Mom, please.”

“Our Yeoul was the kind of kid who would jump on any stage and dance and sing without anyone telling him to… and now you’re saying our Yeoul gets nervous about dancing and singing?”

“……”

“He’s the one who shouted ‘Everyone together!’ during monthly evaluations…”

“……”

Before I could say anything in my defense, she set off every bomb and burst into tears.

…Wow. I shouted “Everyone together!” during JM’s brutal monthly evaluation? Was eighteen-year-old Park Yeoul out of his mind?

Honestly, if that’s true, getting off with just being ostracized at JM was a merciful outcome. Being kicked out and leaving on your own are two very different—wait, seriously? That really happened?

I can remember the big picture, but not tiny details like this, so there’s no way to confirm it.

I lightly patted Mom’s back as she lay across the table sobbing over the contract papers and managed a strained smile at Team Leader Seo.

“Uh… I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry for showing up so suddenly. But…”

“…Yes.”

“Really, you shouted ‘Everyone together’ during monthly evaluations—wait, didn’t you say you used to be at JM?”

“…Ha ha.”

“…It’s true, isn’t it.”

Whatever he read from my awkward laugh, Team Leader Seo Dong-hoon nodded with trembling eyes. I don’t know what he’s imagining, but it’s probably nothing useful.

After once more politely asking us to take care of things, he exchanged an awkward farewell with my still-teary mom and hurried to his feet.

I thought his unexpectedly mature attitude was impressive—until he added one completely unnecessary comment.

“Our company’s monthly evaluations are a bit freer than JM’s. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

The pride on his face, as if to say I could look forward to it, was obvious.

…Would it work if I told him now that I’m not that type of person? Probably not.

Wow, now I have to act like I became gloomy after being ostracized?

I let out a small sigh while watching Mom, who was still sniffling as she dialed someone’s number.

“Mom, stop crying. Your pretty face will puff up.”

“I… I’m not crying… really. I’m just, mm, so proud of our Yeoul… so lovely…”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it, so stop talking and breathe, breathe.”

“Mm… I just need to call your dad.”

…Honestly.

When I regressed to a point this early, the reason I couldn’t restart right away was this.

Mom’s gaze—endlessly loving and beautiful—was so heavy it felt like I couldn’t breathe. And at the same time, I wanted to suffocate and die right there if I could.

Even if it didn’t show on the surface, something in me was broken, dried out to the point where I couldn’t even cry. And yet—

“…Honey! Our Yeoul made it…! Yes, really!”

I looked at Mom’s bright, tear-streaked face and let out another small sigh.

…There’s no helping it. I’ll just go along for now.

“Yeah, come home quick! Let’s eat something really good tonight!”

I clung to her small frame with a playful whine. And when she staggered under my weight but never pushed me away, I laughed out loud.

It felt like the first real laugh I’d had in a long time, but I decided not to think any further.

“—Mom, I want chicken.”

“What, son? Nothing else you want? Just chicken?”

“No, I want chicken.”

Because it’s so ordinary, I’ll be able to remember this moment every time I eat it. Probably for a long while.

---

…I did say I’d just go along with it for now, but for something so simple, the weight of the world feels too heavy.

“……”

“…Uh, he’s always been a little, um, like that. Please don’t misunderstand.”

“Yeah, that’s right. He… he looks like the type people misunderstand, but really… he’s not a weird or bad kid.”

Well, sure. Not bad—just weird.

As soon as I arrived for work, I was practically dragged off by Director—no, now it’s Executive Director—Kim Yeo-jin and shoved into Practice Room 3.

She added that everyone there was nice and about my age, so I’d make friends quickly.

…Ha, I guess Team Leader Seo Dong-hoon didn’t tell her anything yesterday? Or maybe he did and she just didn’t care.

Either way, not all trainees can get along. Even those marked for the debut lineup aren’t any different.

And actually, how you handle situations like this becomes a very important part of the evaluation.

No matter how much the company tries to take care of you, it’s impossible to live the celebrity life without trouble. In your private life—assuming idols even have such a thing—it’s the same.

A personality scandal is the least of it. If a fandom already exists, fans will cover for you no matter what. I’ve experienced that more than once.

But discord among members? There’s no solution for that. If a popular member clashes with an unpopular one, it instantly turns into a bullying controversy and the group falls apart. If the popular members fight each other, that’s just war.

I remember when Jin Yoorim and Eden were at their worst, not even making eye contact on broadcasts. Somehow we managed to fix it that time. Their secret relationship and the prejudices protecting that couple provided a kind of—well—bloody shield.

But when it was Eden and me, it was pure war.

The group’s identity and leader—me, the producer member—versus the underdog who dragged a failing idol group up to top-tier status.

For the fans, every day must have felt like hell.

Still, in this round Jin Yoorim and Eden were on decent terms, and D.I.Y. hovered near the top tier, so I’d let myself hope a little. …How did it fail this time, again?

Anyway, when a group built with massive investment collapses for small reasons like that, of course the company loses its mind.

—So if there’s going to be a problem, it’s best to clash hard as trainees and then become friends. Not that I have the slightest intention of following that advice.

With a mature—well, jaded—air, I smiled at Moon Taeyoung and Kim Dojun.

“Come to think of it, we haven’t introduced ourselves yet.”

“…Ah.”

“Hello, I’m—no, not hyung—Park Yeoul. Nice to meet you.”

…Yeah, mature.

But really, how am I supposed to stay calm when the Regressor immediately sneers, “Hyung, are you going to pretend you don’t remember these two too?”

—Being mature doesn’t mean avoiding every fight that comes your way.

I kept my eyes fixed on the two of them, never glancing at the Regressor who was still glaring at me. They looked back and forth between me and him, then quickly bowed to me.

“Uh… yeah, I’m Kim Dojun.”

“I’m Moon Taeyoung. Uh, nice to meet you?”

Yeah, it’s the first time in this loop, so please don’t end the sentence like a question.

Well, I could guess what the Regressor was thinking.

No matter how many regressions you go through, emotions don’t wear away completely. The source of your regression isn’t going to look lovable. But obedient members who fall in line after just a few loops? Of course you’d find them endearing.

So naturally, in the Regressor’s eyes, it probably looked like I adored these two. Just like he couldn’t hide his emotions when he first saw me, he probably thought I couldn’t hide mine when I saw them.

…Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve been through too much for that.

And honestly, they only look good compared to the Regressor. Not enough to make me lose control of my feelings—

No, wait. Saying it like that makes it sound as if the Regressor liked me so much he couldn’t control himself. Forget it.

Anyway, it’s not that kind of relationship. More like, I’m slightly more friendly with them as business partners than I am with the Regressor. Maybe starting at a positive ten instead of a negative number.

“But it doesn’t feel like the first time, since I’ve heard so much about you from Eden.”

“Right? Honestly, me too.”

“…Hey, hold on—”

And there it goes, down to five…

“I heard you’re scary when you teach dance, so I was a little intimidated. Ha ha.”

“But doesn’t Eden look the scariest?”

“……”

Yeah, now we’re at zero.

I looked at the two of them showing easy friendliness, then finally turned toward the Regressor.

A moment ago he’d been staring holes through me, but now he had his eyes shut, avoiding my gaze completely.

“…I see. So you’ve heard a lot about me.”

“…Ha.”

—If I were to say right here that I don’t even know how you know me, that I don’t even know your name… hmm, would he choose to regress again?

Not that it would be a bad outcome… but since we’ve come this far back, let’s give it just a little more time.

I almost choked up remembering the time when, as soon as I told him I’d regressed, the Regressor said I was crazy and needed to be sent to a hospital. But I forced a calm smile.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard… but it’s probably not that big a deal. I left JM because I was bullied.”

From the Regressor’s point of view, I’d just spread a rumor about a trainee being bullied at his former company. But that’s better than being seen as a delusional patient in need of psychiatric care, isn’t it?

“—Wait, what…? What? You were bullied?”

Apparently he hadn’t expected me to back him up. The Regressor froze like a broken machine, staring at me. Then he kept repeating, “Bullied? You?” as if he couldn’t make sense of it.