RSL Ch 66

“Come here.”

Han Jae-yi, who had parked the car in the villa parking lot, took his hands off the steering wheel and felt my forehead. Then he frowned.

“Are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital?”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine if I rest. I have three days off, anyway.”

I got out of the passenger seat and took the luggage out of the trunk. We had just returned home together after finishing the short birthday commemoration flight.

“Go up. I’ll bring it.”

At Han Jae-yi’s words, I didn’t hesitate and went up the villa stairs first with just a small bag on my shoulder. My condition was definitely poor, and my head felt heavy. My body, conquered by an unidentifiable cold virus, demanded rest from the fatigue accumulated from long hours of flying. I entered the password out of habit, threw my bag anywhere in the house, and collapsed onto the bed.

“Jae-yi, can I have some water?”

After confirming that he had come in, I called out with a voice that could barely reach the living room.

I’m selfish. If I had lived alone, I would have had enough strength to walk to the kitchen myself, but I called him to nurse me. I drank a glass of lukewarm water that Han Jae-yi brought and closed my eyes, leaning on his chest. He held me just like that.

I don’t like being sick, but I enjoyed the luxury of being a lover. The feeling of his warm hands caressing from my nape to my waist was nice too. Only at times like this can I cling to him like a koala and insist that he stay by my side. I sat Han Jae-yi next to me as he typed on his laptop, and I peacefully fell asleep alone.

Maybe because of the medicine, I managed to sleep for quite a long time. Then suddenly, in my sleep, I reached out my hand, but the person I expected wasn’t there. I immediately woke up and raised my face. Judging by the warmth left in the seat where he had been sitting, he must have been here until just now, but where did he go?

“It wasn’t just playing around.”

I involuntarily held my breath at Han Jae-yi’s low voice. His tone, as he quietly talked on the phone in the living room, was tinged with displeasure.

“Yes. I begged. Yes. I’ve apologized enough and… Sigh… Why do you keep doing this when she says she’s fine? What are you saying? So should we live together for life just because I’m sorry? Is that what you do, Father?”

I sighed without realizing it. Even before hearing the name, I knew who he was talking to. There are limited people he speaks Korean with. Me, his family, and not many others.

“I’ve told you many times, it’s not like that. No. If it were, why would I have thought about going to Korea alone? You know Seo-jin’s personality.”

I unconsciously got up and sat on the bed. This situation felt somewhat familiar. I recalled the past few nights when I had tried hard to pretend not to notice him talking to his fiancée at 3 AM. I rubbed my face and cupped my cheeks with both hands. I made excuses that my head was ringing because of the cold, but my mood was getting worse as I continued to hear Han Jae-yi’s conversation.

My petty imagination was pushing Han Jae-yi’s father to be an unreasonable person, but I couldn’t stop. Time passed slowly until his call ended. Tick-tock. I imitated the non-existent analog second hand sound in my mind as I waited for him.

When Han Jae-yi finished the call and came into the room, the dim light from the living room illuminated my face. His words and expression asking when I woke up were mixed with bewilderment. The question of whether I heard everything was also pointless. From the first question that was asked unintentionally, I was already on edge.

“Are they still hoping? That you two might get back together?”

He looked at me apologetically, kneeling by the bed and looking up at me.

“They’re just deeply disappointed. The adults were very close too. I swear. Gisella and I explained as best we could. It’s taking longer than expected for them to accept reality. There’s nothing we can do now but wait for them.”

Han Jae-yi took my hand, kissed it lightly, and looked up. His appearance was pitiful, but I had to say what had been on my mind all along.

“It must be because of me. They must be angrier about you quitting being a lawyer than about you breaking off the engagement, and the fact that I’m a man being the reason for it. But since they can’t blame that, I think they’re trying to persuade you with words that are easy to bring up.”

I pushed aside my tumultuous emotions and stepped back like a third party. I hoped he would understand his father’s position and find a way to narrow the gap. I thought the quickest solution was for at least one side to act wisely since the other side had already lost objectivity. So I didn’t try to save him.

“It’s not incomprehensible. By affirming Gisella, they can deny me. They probably don’t really want you to get back together. They’re smart. They just want you to come back. They might think I ruined your successful life.”

Han Jae-yi didn’t respond. Thanks to that, my tone became a bit more acerbic.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t stop you. I should have stopped you when you said you were coming here. I didn’t properly fulfill my role…”

“Stop it.”

He gripped my hand tighter, stopping my words. Shadows fell on his furrowed brow, and he finally reprimanded me.

“If you talk like that, what does that make my position?”

“…”

I belatedly came to my senses. It seems I had unknowingly hidden small thorns in the words I had pretended to speak calmly. It would have been nice if I had the personality to joke that the fever had momentarily made me speak nonsense. Han Jae-yi was suppressing his emotions to the point where blood wasn’t circulating in my tightly held hand.

Yet he bowed his head first for my sake. With a long sigh that followed, he slowly released my hand.

“…I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t understand what he was apologizing for. As I stroked his head, which was becoming infinitely small as he buried his face in my lap, I berated myself. It was pathetic.

“What are you sorry for? I’m the one who spoke harshly.”

After all, I was the one who was hurt by being disliked by Han Jae-yi’s parents.

I find these kinds of relationships difficult and don’t know what to do. The expectations placed on blood relatives, on children born through pain. I couldn’t tell what was common sense and what was crossing the line, including the Korean sentiment that I don’t understand well.

Han Jae-yi wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my chest. He hugged me tightly, as if catching a flying balloon, putting all his weight into it. As if I wouldn’t listen to him unless he did so, he tied me down firmly and mumbled.

“It’s true that I came here on my own whim. It’s funny to feel upset after promising not to tell you to take responsibility. But I couldn’t help it. I’m not the kind of person who can make choices when it comes to you.”

He was making excuses, but to me, it sounded like a confession of love.

“We were apart for about a year, last year. We only met three or four times. Even when I visited, you sent me away saying you were busy. I was really lonely. I think I’m being punished for not realizing that and deciding to get married…”

“…”

“But comfort me a little.”

Listening to his deeply sunken voice, I felt pain. I hugged Han Jae-yi’s neck and buried my face in his soft hair. Yes, we’ve committed many sins. It seems that both you and I will have to spend one bitter dawn like this to repay them all.

Life doesn’t end like a fairy tale, so we can’t just live happily ever after. I thought we had passed through a long tunnel together, but I realized it was still night outside. Han Jae-yi’s arms tightened a little more as he felt my breath on the top of his head. Holding each other like that, we comforted each other through this long night.

* * *

Waking up late, I got up to the sound coming from the kitchen. There was a fishy smell of sardines. Along with the noisy sound of the range hood, tomato-marinated sardine pasta sauce was boiling in the pan. I was about to complain to Han Jae-yi, who was even wearing an apron, about cooking fish in the morning, but the clock was already pointing to noon.

I hugged his waist from behind as he was cooking and nuzzled his back as he cooked.

“You should have woken me up.”

“You might not believe it, but I tried to wake you twice. I didn’t mean to bother a sick person, I wanted to give you medicine and put you back to sleep, but you stubbornly refused. How’s your fever?”

Han Jae-yi’s hand, which had been cooking hot food, came up to my forehead to check the temperature.

“If I were hotter than your hand right now, shouldn’t I not be able to stand properly?”

“I guess so.”

He must not have felt much either, as this time he brought his lips to my forehead. He gave a short kiss there and let me go. Han Jae-yi said he had to leave right away.

He took off his apron, changed into a shirt, and came out of the room, gathering documents and his jacket. He must have been cooking food he wasn’t going to eat himself. He said he didn’t know when he’d be back, so I shouldn’t wait and should eat dinner too. Looking at the messy traces in the kitchen, I scolded myself once again for waking up late.

“Call me if anything happens. I’ll be drinking, so I’m leaving the car.”

“Who are you drinking with?”

“What else could it be but business entertainment? Don’t come out. I’m going.”

“Call me when you’re done. I’ll pick you up.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Get some rest.”

The front door closed, and his figure unilaterally disappeared. He must have been in a hurry, judging by how quickly he left.

I scooped the pasta Han Jae-yi had made into a bowl and grated Parmesan cheese. Then, suddenly struck by a thought, I took out my phone and called him. It had only been about 5 minutes since we parted.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling unwell?”

Han Jae-yi, who answered the phone immediately after the signal, asked in a surprised voice. For a moment, I thought about pretending to be sick to tease him, but I’m not that slick of a person.

“I’m not sick. How could you leave without even saying goodbye?”

“I’m sorry. Let’s talk. I’m in a taxi. Did you sleep well? Are you eating?”

As I listened to his voice, I put a sardine with a savory taste in my mouth. Talking on the phone while eating wasn’t good manners, but I decided to stop being polite to Han Jae-yi.

“I slept well and I’m eating now. It’s very delicious and I’m feeling fine. I called because there’s something I couldn’t say yesterday. Don’t answer in Korean if it’s inconvenient.”

“Okay. Go ahead.”

“I have a flight to Germany next Saturday. I’m going to stop by home. I was thinking of telling them about us, is that okay? You know how fast rumors spread in that neighborhood.”

“Yes. Tell them everything. We have nothing to hide.”

His tone suggested it wasn’t a problem at all, and he seemed curious about why I was asking in advance.

“I was wondering how much I should say. If they hear your parents’ reaction, I think they’ll be upset here too. Your father… well… he was very disappointed that it was me, right?”

Yesterday, I couldn’t hear properly because I was on edge, but I was still concerned about that part. Making excuses about my adoptive parents, I once again demanded the truth from him. I nibbled on the mashed sardine meat while waiting for Han Jae-yi’s answer. I couldn’t chew the food because I didn’t want to miss the timing to respond to his words, so I was just twirling the pasta with my fork.

“No. He’s disappointed in me. He thinks it’s unsightly that his son is suddenly going crazy over a friend, that’s all. I know you’re not comfortable. I know what you want to talk about. I know, but please pretend not to know for a little longer. It’ll be over soon.”

Han Jae-yi didn’t seem to want to drag me into this fight. If so, there was no way for me to win against him. I concluded by pretending not to know, using that kindness that took the form of a request.

Even I probably wouldn’t be able to tell him honestly. Yeah, our parents really don’t like me meeting you. Who could deliver such words to their lover? But it was uncomfortable in various ways to just hide behind him and be protected while pretending not to know. Unable to get the answer I wanted, I took out my frustration in an unexpected place.

“Okay. In return, I’m going to pick you up today. Don’t say no. I’m already bored and missing you.”

Han Jae-yi laughed and really liked the last part. He agreed and said he’d contact me when he was about to finish, then hung up. After finishing the meal that had become much easier to eat, I cleaned the kitchen that Han Jae-yi had left in a mess. I opened the windows to ventilate and let the autumn air into the house.

I put the medicine packet on the table and lay down on the sofa to read a book. At the same time, I was timing 30 minutes. I have a habit of practicing my sense of time whenever I have a chance, setting a specific time and counting internally while outwardly going about my daily life. 

One can repeatedly practice 10-second intervals, then count to 60 seconds, 5 minutes while doing other things simultaneously.

I reached the last chapter of the Polish Three Brothers. Reading European literature translated into Korean is quite helpful for improving vocabulary. For example, things like the sardines I just ate would fall into this category. Of course, I learned that ‘sardine’ is called ‘jeong-eo-ri’ in Korean after searching on the internet. However, the important point is that most of these search triggers come from reading.

I’m not blessed with a good sense of language, and it could be quite uncomfortable to listen to when I was not concentrating on a conversation. Because I couldn’t think of specific words, I tend to use whatever language was convenient at the time, which often results in a nonsensical mix of German, Korean, and English in comfortable settings. Han Jae-yi was the only person on Earth who could fully understand this.

I thought 30 minutes had passed and looked at the clock, but it was pointing to 29 minutes. Reading a book is relatively easy, so a 1-minute error isn’t a particularly excellent score. After counting exactly 1 minute again, I opened the medicine packet labeled “30 minutes after meals.”

I was going about my various daily routines without Han Jae-yi.