RSL Ch 77

During the one day stay in Hanoi, I finished reading a book. I read the book and took a nap lying on a beach bed by the outdoor pool under the warm autumn sun. I ended the day quietly as if I had gone on a peaceful vacation. Suddenly, I realized that I hadn’t smoked for quite a long time.

On the return flight, Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook gave me some advice. He said couples can fight as much as they want, but if they don’t properly reconcile, the mileage of fights accumulates. When the residue of resentment and anger gathers and breaks through the ignition point, a fire starts, and if this repeats a few more times, they end up breaking up.

If that’s true, we must have accumulated quite a lot of mileage. The parts that Han Jae-yi and I endured to realize the virtue of patience remained as soot. In fact, I was still feeling hurt that he met his ex-fiancée without telling me. Han Jae-yi must also have some of my actions that he didn’t like preserved somewhere.

How do you properly reconcile? Should I empty my desires and let go? Since I don’t remember fighting much when we were friends, I was quite lacking in wisdom.

“Good work. Let’s go out.”

“Yes. You’ve worked hard too, Co-pilot.”

After finishing the secure checklist inspection, I left the cockpit. I took out my phone from the cabin bag and turned it on. There was a message from the person I was waiting for, but the content was not welcome at all. The moment I saw it, I unconsciously stopped walking.

[Seo-jin, I’m sorry. Something came up and I’m on my way to the company. I don’t think I can pick you up. Let’s have dinner next time.]

“Captain?”

Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook called out to me as I stood there blankly, holding my phone.

“Is something wrong?”

He approached, looking back and forth between me and my phone. I quickly forced a smile and changed my expression as if nothing was wrong.

“You go ahead. I need to make a call.”

“Ah, okay.”

After sending Co-pilot Jeon Seong-wook away, I picked up my phone again. How should I describe this feeling? I was certainly disappointed in Han Jae-yi, but I also felt like someone was toying with me, which made me very uncomfortable. It was always like this when things went sour with Han Jae-yi. He would pull me down in the cruelest way when I was most excited. And because he could always say it was because of work, I couldn’t even express my discontent.

I didn’t reply to his message. I thought it was enough that he could see I had read it. I made a different call instead.

“Hello, I’d like to cancel a reservation. It was under the name Woo Seo-jin. Yes, it was for two people this evening. Yes, thank you. I’m sorry.”

And then I immediately canceled the movie tickets as well.

Having declined the Co-pilot’s offer to drive me home, I hailed a taxi instead of waiting for the bus, which seemed embarrassing. In truth, I wanted to go home and drink all day. I even thought it would be nice if today could be erased when I fell asleep and woke up.

The first thing I did when I got home was take a shower. It’s the quickest and most effective way to change my mood. Han Jae-yi didn’t send any more messages after that. He didn’t provide any additional information about when he’d be home. So I didn’t send any replies either.

The sun set quickly, and it got dark. Foolishly, I suddenly remembered that he had been skipping meals often lately. So I decided to prepare dinner in case he came home without having eaten today. I went to the nearby supermarket, gathered some instant side dishes, and set the table. I sat blankly at the dining table for an hour, waiting.

There was still no news from him by 10 PM. By then, I had a feeling he would be very late tonight. After clearing away the prepared meal, I turned on the TV. The scenes on the screen were flowing by without registering in my mind at all. My eyes were watching, but my mind was completely blank. Then I witnessed the moment when the clock on my phone changed, crossing over to 11 o’clock.

It felt like being stood up, which was the worst, even though the reality was far from that situation. I felt like a test subject in an experiment to see how human obsession develops through frequent delusions. I resented Han Jae-yi for breaking me down so thoroughly.

He came home a few minutes before midnight. Although I had no real reason to be angry with him, I couldn’t soften my expression. I pretended to watch TV while sitting on the sofa, but I was acutely aware of Han Jae-yi the entire time he entered the living room.

“You’re not asleep?”

I couldn’t help but frown at the smell of alcohol that wafted over with his words.

“Have you been drinking?”

“Yeah. Couldn’t avoid it because of business entertainment.”

I felt hurt thinking that the real reason for his lateness was something else. I felt foolish for worrying about his dinner alone, not knowing the truth. He sat down on the sofa and naturally pulled me into an embrace. He was always like this on days he drank. But today, that whiskey smell was particularly unpleasant.

“Let go.”

I pushed Han Jae-yi away and moved to the side. It’s childish, I know. But with these feelings, I simply couldn’t engage in skinship with him.

“Are you angry? I’m sorry.”

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard those words. He asks if I’m angry and then apologizes. I was getting irritated with myself for always getting angry, and I was also getting a bit sick of his attitude of apologizing right off the bat.

“You must be tired from drinking. Go to sleep. It’s late.”

I tried to escape this situation with a voice as devoid of emotion as possible. However, Han Jae-yi didn’t seem to have any intention of doing so.

“Just a moment. Let’s stay like this for a bit.”

He pulled my arm back in, wrapping me in his embrace and burying his face in the nape of my neck. At that moment, I caught a strong whiff of cheap perfume and cigarette smoke that wasn’t his. It instinctively made me recoil.

“Get off me.”

I pushed him away and stood up from the sofa without realizing it. It was clearly an overreaction, but trying to take it back seemed like it would lead to a long, complicated explanation. Han Jae-yi laughed dejectedly as he watched me escape from his arms. He leaned back against the backrest and tilted his head back. Then he closed his eyes while loosening his tie.

“Don’t do this to me. It’s hard enough that I think I’m going crazy.”

“What’s so hard about it? Isn’t this something you enjoy doing?”

My tone, tinged with small barbs, was giving off an unkempt feeling.

“I thought so, but it turns out it’s not. Maybe this business isn’t for me. I should have thought about it more before deciding. I think I was too hasty.”

“When have you ever not been like this? You’ve been like this your whole life.”

“Woo Seo-jin, that’s harsh.”

I shut my mouth. We shouldn’t create new wounds when we’re barely healing. But I still resented him. I wanted to ask what exactly he was doing while I was trying so hard. I was disappointed in him for just living day to day as things rolled along, compared to me who was intensely worrying about our relationship and trying to find solutions.

“You could have at least sent a message. I’ve been waiting for you.”

“So is this your protest? You could have done it yourself. What time I’m coming home, if I’m very busy. Why are you just waiting quietly?”

“I know you’re busy, so what’s the point of sending a stupid message like that?”

Han Jae-yi chuckled at that.

“So what you’re saying is, you didn’t send a message because you thought it would be ignored. You’re really… Hah… How can you be so arrogant?”

Suddenly, an unpleasant emotion rushed over me.

“Are you drunk? Is that why you’re talking nonsense now?”

“Why, it’s the truth. You cut off anything that might make you even slightly uncomfortable. You hate anything that might dent your pride. Your self-consciousness is so high it reaches the sky. Haa… Sometimes when I look at you, I get dizzy. You’re so noble and uptight that my neck feels like it’s going to break.”

Han Jae-yi’s words made my eyes tremble. Should I endure even after hearing such insulting words? For a moment, I saw a dark fog cast over his face. It was a curse. We had reached a point where we couldn’t see each other, blinded by a curse.

“Stop it. I won’t tolerate this anymore.”

“You’ve been tolerating? When? I’m the one who’s reached the end of my patience in this relationship.”

“Don’t talk nonsense.”

“What if you do it a little? Stop pretending to be the only adult. You have a lot to say to me too. If you want to lash out, just say it. Why? Are you afraid I won’t love you anymore if you pour it all out?”

Han Jae-yi looked up at me, his head leaning on the sofa. His pupils were unfocused and shaking. I imagined my own crumpled expression reflected in his eyes. He spoke in a pained voice.

“I’m like that. That’s why I couldn’t say it. There are so many things I want to ask and confront you about. I feel jealous and angry… Since when has ‘that person’ been chasing after you? How did he know you were open to men too? Things like that. It still makes me uncomfortable to think of you two alone in that narrow cockpit. But I can’t question these things. Because it’s not mature, right?”

I should have refuted, but there was no room to interject in his seemingly deliberate confession.

“I have pride too. I’ve protected many things, no less than you. Still, I’ve always put you as the absolute priority in my life. But it doesn’t seem like you do. I can be an exception that breaks the rules of your life, but nothing more than that. You always put yourself first. When I heard about you from Gisella, I felt like I was being finished off. I see. You had the courage to throw away your career and run away to protect yourself, but you made no effort to connect with me.”

Han Jae-yi was in pain, spewing out old, rotten emotions.

“So I wanted to get angry and ask questions. I wanted to hear your excuses that it wasn’t true and feel reassured and comfortable. But I couldn’t say it. My confidence disappeared seeing your face distort before I even started. Do you understand what I mean?”

“…”

“It meant that I thought you wouldn’t tolerate me. Of course, you might want to say that’s not true, but the truth isn’t what’s important. What’s important is that this is all the trust you’ve given me. So I’m trapped here. I can’t get any closer, but I can’t step back either. Barely hugging you once when I’m drunk was all the courage I had, but now even that’s been rejected, so I have nothing left.”

Han Jae-yi’s confession was a futureless gray. It was scattered all over the living room, creating a space like darkness. After waiting for me, who couldn’t give even a single response after hearing all his words, he spoke in a tired voice.

“We can’t live like this. Let’s go back to Germany together.”

“What?”

My body shook faster than before.

“Why. You don’t want to?”

“What about the company?”

“I don’t care, but it seems you do.”

My face contorted harshly. Anyone would see it as a negative expression. It was true that I was surprised by his unexpected proposal, but at the same time, I was surprised at myself for reacting negatively. This reaction would have seemed quite selfish in his eyes, contradicting the promise I had made to myself that I would do anything for him anytime.

Han Jae-yi slowly raised his upper body that had been leaning and bowed his head. Then, covering his face with his large hands, he muttered as if in a dream. Don’t worry about it. He withdrew the proposal he had made.

“I’ve just always wondered how you would react if I asked you this.”

The last words were despair itself.

“Now that I know the answer, it’s enough.”

He got up from the sofa. His eyes, which had briefly stared at me, soon withdrew their gaze and faced forward. He brushed past me, unbuttoning his shirt as if going to change clothes. I hurriedly grabbed his arm.

If it ends like this, it would be the worst. I didn’t even have time to make excuses.