RSL Ch 93

After 30 minutes, two police officers arrived. While they were investigating the accident, someone from the rental car company also showed up. The car’s right front hood was severely dented, but the rest was fine. This was thanks to having significantly reduced speed in advance to enter the junction. When the police officer asked about injuries, I replied that there was nothing particularly painful.

One police officer controlled a section of the first lane and slowed down traffic. The other was taking photos of the accident scene and writing a report. I got out of the car and waited for the tow truck to arrive.

About 10 minutes later, Han Jae-yi arrived. It was unbelievable how quickly he had come.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

“Yes. I was lucky.”

He began thoroughly checking if I had any injuries. He kept asking questions and examining my body to the point where I felt embarrassed for standing there so unscathed. Then, with his hands on his hips, he frowned while looking at the damaged rental car.

After thinking for a moment, he approached the police officer who was talking with the truck driver.

“Thank you for your work. Can I take the vehicle driver to the hospital right away?”

“Ah, are you the guardian?”

“Yes.”

“He says he’s not hurt, so please wait until we finish writing the report.”

The police officer answered casually and focused back on the paperwork he was writing.

“You’ve checked his license, so you must have his contact information. You can call him later.”

“Ah, yes. Please just wait about 10 more minutes for now.”

His repeated requests were ignored. Then Han Jae-yi adopted a cold, businesslike attitude.

“The treatment of the accident vehicle driver should be the priority. I’m a lawyer.”

He took out a business card from his jacket and handed it over. The young police officer, who looked to be in his late 20s, finally looked up and checked his face.

“Ah, yes… Well. Take him then.”

The police officer answered reluctantly and glanced over at me. Han Jae-yi looked back and forth between him and the truck driver, then came back. He grabbed my arm and led me to his vehicle.

“Why did you do that? I’m fine.”

“Get in the car. Let’s go to the hospital.”

“I’m really okay.”

I felt a bit embarrassed about going to the hospital when I wasn’t even hurt. Then he grabbed my wrist and looked at me.

“Seo-jin, please.”

In that expression, I read Han Jae-yi’s fear.

He was terrified. But he was doing his best not to show it outwardly. His face, which had stiffened up while biting his lip, had lost all color. I got into the passenger seat quietly without adding anything else.

After confirming that I was in the car, Han Jae-yi approached the accident vehicle again. He opened the trunk and moved all my luggage to his car. After carefully checking even the back seat to see if anything was missed, he returned and got into the driver’s seat. Then he slowly merged into the slow-moving traffic. From that point on, a long silence began.

Han Jae-yi remained silent until we arrived at the hospital emergency room. While driving, he occasionally bit his nails. It was a habit I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I thought he had broken it after entering university, but it seemed to come out unconsciously.

While sitting in the passenger seat observing his expression, I felt a slight stiffness in my neck. When we arrived at the hospital and I mentioned this to the doctor, Han Jae-yi’s face became visibly anxious, unable to hide it any longer.

He didn’t say a word even while I was getting a CT scan and undergoing simple tests. Only after meeting the doctor again and hearing that there were no major problems did his expression start to relax a little. We were told that the muscles around my neck were tense due to the accident, but it would be fine with plenty of rest.

He immediately took me to his apartment. The living room was clean, but the kitchen was a bit of a mess. I could see a cutting board with raw chicken and pork thrown about. Seeing that, I could imagine how hurriedly he had left.

“Lie down.”

Han Jae-yi brought a blanket from the bedroom and pushed me onto the sofa.

“I’m fine. It’s just some muscle tension, right?”

“That’s why you need to rest well. Why are you pretending not to hear that part? Lie down.”

Realizing I couldn’t win against him, I lay down on the sofa. He told me to lift my head and stacked cushions to make a suitable height. Then he took my phone out of my coat, put it in my hand, and headed to the kitchen.

“Where are you going?”

“You must be hungry. I’ll make you some chicken stew.”

His voice sounded a bit softer. I would prefer if he just stayed by my side rather than leaving me to play with my phone alone. I quietly unlocked the screen.

That was all I remembered. I must have fallen asleep immediately. The fatigue from the accident, coupled with the recent forced flight schedules, seemed to have knocked me out. Looking at the phone in my hand, it was already past 11 PM. I inwardly exclaimed “Oh my goodness” and berated myself.

The dark living room ceiling of Han Jae-yi’s apartment came into view. He must have left me as I was, unable to wake me up. He said he would make chicken stew, but I fell asleep, so he probably ate alone. I felt sorry for him.

As I tried to get up, I realized something warm and heavy was touching my arm. Han Jae-yi was kneeling by the sofa, sleeping next to me with his arm as a pillow. I could hear his quiet, intermittent breathing.

How long had he been sleeping here? Given that the lights weren’t on, he might have been like this since the afternoon. Seeing him sleeping in such an uncomfortable position, I felt I couldn’t leave him like that and should wake him up.

“Jae-yi.”

I called him in the darkness. Han Jae-yi, who was always a light sleeper, understood immediately and raised his head as if startled.

“It’s uncomfortable, go sleep comfortably in bed.”

At my words, he let out a long sigh. He seemed to have just realized that he had fallen asleep. Then suddenly, he touched my face. As if confirming that I was alive, he felt my forehead and pressed near my cheekbones.

“I’m okay.”

I tried to reassure him again, but Han Jae-yi still looked anxious, pressing his lips tightly and staring at me. Although it was dark and hard to see clearly, his brow was deeply furrowed. It seemed like he had had a bad dream.

“Were you very scared?”

“Scared? Haa…”

He closed his mouth, touching his forehead as if to stop talking. Yes, in fact, if it had been me, I might have reacted even more strongly. The sudden sound of an accident while on the phone. Plus, he had related trauma. I felt so sorry for having triggered that again.

“I’m sorry. I should have been more careful. And you had to go through this again…”

“You idiot, why are you worrying about that?”

Han Jae-yi grabbed my arm tightly, cutting off my words. Then, as if breaking down himself, his expression softened again. Anger, anxiety, and then relieved thankfulness passed over his face in succession.

“Woo Seo-jin, you really…”

His hand gripping my arm tightened as he squeezed out words that didn’t continue.

“What am I really supposed to do with you?”

Then he embraced me without warning. His voice was slightly choked. Caught off guard by his sudden embrace, my arms were trapped as if bound. I wanted to free my arms to wrap them around his back, but Han Jae-yi didn’t allow even the slightest movement. Though I wasn’t going anywhere, he held me tighter as if afraid he might lose me.

The surroundings were quiet. Only occasional noises from passersby in the alley could be heard. Only Han Jae-yi’s phone on the living room table silently lit up and darkened repeatedly. Apart from that, there was no other movement. For a while, I felt as if we were trapped in a frozen space.

After a long time, he finally lifted his head from where it had been buried in my shoulder. He tidied my disheveled hair, cupped my cheek, and asked if I was hungry. I couldn’t help but smile at this practical question, so different from his initial intense reaction. You haven’t changed at all, Han Jae-yi.

“Did you eat anything?”

I asked the same question as I made room for him to sit up on the sofa.

“No. I made the stew, but when I came to check on you, you were sleeping like the dead. I think I just checked if you were breathing and fell asleep too.”

He leaned back against the sofa and sighed deeply. I rested my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his left arm around my head and lightly kissed the top of it. Feeling each other’s familiar touch, we briefly returned to how we used to be.

“I don’t know why these things keep happening. You said you witnessed an airplane crash in Beijing.”

“Yeah, but I’m fine, aren’t I? We could think of it as me being really lucky instead.”

Death had passed me by twice. So I believed it would continue to pass me by. I hoped he wouldn’t think too extremely about today’s incident either.

Sensing that my response was quite positive, Han Jae-yi carefully asked about my feelings at the time.

“Weren’t you afraid when the accident happened?”

“Well, maybe because it’s a job where I get danger pay, I always keep accidents in mind. But I did think that if something went wrong, it would be hard for you. Since we were on the phone.”

Hearing my answer, he tilted his head back. He seemed bothered that I had thought of him even in that moment, and muttered:

“You really… you’re so calm it’s almost scary.”

Of course, I agreed. My calmness often leads to misunderstandings from others. It usually transforms into perceived indifference and coldness, but today it seemed to feel like fear to him.

“Actually, there’s only one thing I’m afraid of.”

So I decided to reveal a secret.

“What is it?”

“Your indifference.”

At my answer, he let out a small deflated laugh and lowered his head. Then, gently stroking my hair, he made me lean closer to his shoulder. All these actions were so natural that I closed my eyes. It felt like I had arrived in a peaceful, cozy paradise. Caught up in the atmosphere, I murmured without realizing:

“Today was St. Nicholas Day.”

“Ah, yes.”

“Actually, when I was little, I liked it more than Christmas.”

“Because you like chocolate, right?”

“That’s part of it. There’s another reason too.”

Han Jae-yi casually responded to my murmurs while nuzzling his nose in my hair. Feeling his ticklish breath, I exhaled contentedly and said:

“On that day, all the neighborhood adults give out chocolates and walnuts. I remember wandering outside all day because I liked strangers talking to me. Thinking about it now, I must have liked the attention. Anyway, it was a day I liked more than Christmas.”

“I didn’t know that. You never told me this before.”

“Because after you moved into our neighborhood, I stopped celebrating it.”

“Why?”

“Well, I guess I lost interest in getting attention from other people. So, can’t you stop now?”

“Stop what?”

“Pretending you’re not interested in me.”

I opened my eyes and lifted my head from where it had been resting on him. We silently gazed at each other in the darkness.

I had known since that moment when he rushed to the accident scene and looked at me with an expression that seemed about to crumble. Seeing him unable to express his emotions when asked if he was shocked, and forced to embrace me, I was certain.

Han Jae-yi couldn’t let me go at all.

Pretending to be uninterested, pretending not to love. No matter how much he acts, I can see through it all now. So there was no reason to continue wasting time like this.

“Let’s have a ‘real talk’ now.”

Reading the seriousness in my voice, he briefly looked away. After taking some time, he spoke as if agreeing to the proposal.

“Want to smoke?”

I nodded. Han Jae-yi slowly got up, went to the room to get a pack of Marlboros, and headed to the balcony.

The cold night air pushed into the living room. It felt strangely bright for nighttime. Looking closely, I saw it was snowing.

Snow in Munich in December. How romantic. The Christmas market in Marienplatz must have already started, so people will probably flock there tomorrow. I thought I should stop by before returning to the hotel.

I got up and followed Han Jae-yi to the balcony. He was holding a thick coat, though I wasn’t sure when he had grabbed it. Seeing me come out, he draped it over my shoulders. The snow was falling straight down, and with no wind, it had already settled white on the balcony railing.

I lit the cigarette he handed me and took a very long drag. Then I noticed a mountain of cigarette butts piled in the ashtray in a corner of the floor. What had Han Jae-yi been pondering while smoking all these cigarettes? I asked him, as if gently chiding:

“Why did you smoke so much?”

Han Jae-yi’s gaze also turned to the ashtray.

“Because I was in pain.”

He took a long drag from the cigarette he was holding and added:

“I was in pain because I couldn’t find a way to stop you.”

I didn’t respond. Ignoring his words of resentment towards me, I pulled the coat he had given me tighter. In contrast, Han Jae-yi seemed to have forgotten the cold, with only one hand in his pocket as he continued to smoke. After finishing one cigarette, he put another in his mouth.

The cigarette butts in the ashtray kept piling up. It looked like his accumulated anguish. Han Jae-yi, exhaling smoke, told the story of the lonely battle he had to endure alone.

“Being apart from you kept making me feel self-loathing. I’ve ruined more than a few relationships, but among them, ours felt the most painful. The ‘certainty’ I had about you was actually ‘arrogance’, I guess. So I thought there was no way to turn things back except by stopping.”

“Because if we’re together, we’ll fight again, and end up despising each other?”

“Yeah, if that happens, I’d lose you completely.”

He nodded and continued as if confessing,

“Actually, your reaction in Paris was unexpected. It was so out of my expectations that I couldn’t respond properly, which you probably noticed. Still, I thought it would be temporary. That’s why I told you to do as you please.”

He paused briefly and exhaled a short puff of smoke. Then he looked at me with sorrowful eyes.

“For you, it seems that was just the beginning.”