SHC Chapter 25

25. Shame

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Leaving the ringmaster’s quarters and heading toward the circus tent, the scene from just moments ago kept replaying in my head.

I appreciated that he unexpectedly congratulated me on my birthday, but the way he disappeared in a rush afterward, saying he felt awkward celebrating birthdays, left quite an impression.

Was he really embarrassed?

Knowing he felt something like that because of me made me feel strangely unsettled.

“Assistant! Get your head straight! You’ll end up with a butterfly carving on your body at this rate!”

I snapped back to reality at someone’s shout while I was carrying supplies and hurried to focus on my task.

Saying a butterfly carving would be etched onto me meant that I might end up in such bad shape that I’d have to beg the body-sculpting artisan to rebuild me. In short, it meant to be careful.

Even if these bodies are fake, the material they’re made of is real.

I once asked the ringmaster about the troupe members’ fake bodies, unable to bring myself to ask Kiss. The ringmaster said he created substitute bodies to bind their souls here. Their bodies were fake, yet made of material belonging to this world.

Which is why the members were generally horrified by their own bodies.

Except during performances.

While I was busy working, I noticed everyone taking a bit of a break. Balbari, the beautiful magician, the sculptor, the conductor, the clown, the acrobat, everyone was enjoying their own small day of rest.

My eyes naturally drifted as I took in the circus at a large sweep.

All sorts of figures came into view.

Each and every one of them was someone who had committed sins and come here for punishment.

Then I noticed the old man everyone called Grandpa Kal. His body was dark and scrawny, his skin wrinkled, and he had long white beard.

I remembered what the beautiful magician told me, and suddenly felt heavy at the thought that maybe there were people like him who had voluntarily entered hell.

Well, it was their own choice.

It seemed this system didn’t force people into heaven or hell, but let them choose directly. But for someone like Grandpa Kal, tormented by guilt even over things he didn’t mean to do, it didn’t seem like a very good idea.

If someone is a good person, couldn’t they just send them to heaven on their own?

Why leave it to them and let them end up experiencing hell?

“Did you have something to say?”

I was startled when a voice suddenly reached me. A deep voice, unfitting for his thin body, flowed out from Grandpa Kal.

“No, uh, no.”

I unconsciously answered in formal speech, then quickly corrected it to casual.

“You can speak comfortably.”

I stayed silent, but as I fidgeted, looking for a chance to slip away, Grandpa Kal gave a gentle smile.

“It hasn’t been a month yet, has it?”

“Yeah. I mean, uh. Yup.”

“Right. I see. Isn’t the assistant job difficult for you?”

Had any member ever asked me if the job was hard? Everyone only said that being an assistant meant the work was easy.

“I’m fine…”

My voice trailed off as our eyes met. His eyes were surprisingly clear and kind. Even if his body was a constructed imitation, his eyes seemed to reveal his true insides.

Pink Bear’s eyes had also been dark and clear.

I looked at him quietly, and even though I felt it was rude, I decided to ask him about the moment he chose hell.

“Um.”

“Go on. Say it.”

Grandpa Kal straightened his shoulders and gave a light smile.

“Why did you choose to come here?”

He didn’t seem fazed in the slightest by the sudden question. Even though this was our first real conversation and I knew about his past, he answered without hesitation.

“Because whether I reincarnated or went to heaven, my heart would still feel ashamed.”

He chuckled softly.

“If you cling to regrets, they stay on your soul like a scar. Even unconsciously, they keep affecting you. So to shake off this guilt, in the end, I chose this place for myself.”

As I blinked silently, he looked at me with gentle eyes.

“So you don’t have to look at me with that pitying face anymore.”

“That’s not what I meant…”

I must have been giving him a sorrowful look without realizing it. I flailed my hands in embarrassment, but he simply said it was fine and even opened his heart to me, saying I could come to him if I ever had troubles.

Truly, Grandpa Kal and Pink Bear were the two outliers in this circus.

Since both came here willingly.

I awkwardly rubbed the back of my head, said goodbye, and moved away. Then, from a distance, I saw Kiss laughing loudly with a group of members. The moment I saw him heading toward me, I quickly turned my body away.

“Are you really gonna act cold like that?”

“You never get tired, do you?”

Kiss walked right up and hooked his arm over my shoulder, ignoring my complaint.

“Of course I don’t get tired. I have great stamina. Want to test it?”

“How would I even… no, just get off me. It’s hot.”

“Hot?”

“Of course it’s hot.”

The moment I grabbed his arm to push it off, a chill ran across my entire body.

“…?”

It was flowing from Kiss’s forearm. The coldness seeped from the arm around my neck and over my shoulder, spreading down through me.

“What is this?”

“What do you mean? I just used a bit of power.”

Then he casually headed toward the entrance. Looked like he was planning to go outside again.

“Hi, Cutie Pink! Were you playing with the bunny?”

The moment we stepped outside, I saw Pink Bear dancing a waltz with the rabbit doll.

“Ah, but assistant. I saw you talking with Grandpa Kal earlier. What were you two talking about?”

“Just… I asked why he chose hell of all places.”

“You heard the rumors, huh?”

Kiss told me about Grandpa Kal, and it was almost identical to what the beautiful magician had said.

“It’s rare for the paradise option to show up, you know. Our Pink Bear. Your paradise option didn’t open either, right?”

Pink nodded.

“See? Even a girl who lived without committing a single sin doesn’t get the paradise door opened. You have to build up good deeds yourself and reach the required level first.”

There was really a standard for that?

I hesitated a bit, then looked at Pink and asked,

“That… that’s your brother, right?”

Pink flinched at the mention of the rabbit doll I pointed at. She hugged it tightly, then slowly nodded. After that, she shyly showed it to me.

“Wow. She still refuses to show me, but she’s already showing it to the assistant?”

Kiss’s mouth dropped open as he exaggerated his shock.

“I’m hurt, Pink Bear.”

And at the low voice that followed, Pink flinched again and quickly pulled the rabbit doll back against her chest.

I turned my head and glared at Kiss, who was smiling wider than usual.

“What.”

“……”

There were many things I didn’t like about him, but I kept my mouth shut and looked back at Pink Bear.

“It’s fine. If it’s precious, you don’t have to show it.”

Her arms, tightly wrapped around the doll, loosened slightly at my words.

“I won’t ask you to show it by force.”

Only then did she hook the doll onto her arm like usual and raise her palm to me as if asking for a high five. I pressed my hand to the soft pads on hers, and she spun her free hand in the air excitedly.

“You’re making me jealous.”

Suddenly, Kiss shoved his hand between ours and yanked me over to his side. Pink Bear froze, looking back and forth between us, then stepped back like she was startled.

Ah, she didn’t need to back away like that.

“You see, Pink Bear, assistant.”

Oh great. Here we go again.

I turned to Kiss, and he had that annoyingly intrigued look on his face.

“When she was alive, she really didn’t do anything. She committed no sins, but she also didn’t do any good deeds.”

A chilly breeze flowed from him. It must’ve been the cold radiating from his body, the same cooling ability from earlier.

“So her brother had to do everything for her.”

Suddenly Pink took a step forward. She looked up at Kiss, extending her arm as if trying to block something.

“All the sins she should’ve committed, her brother carried instead.”

Pink’s palm landed on Kiss’s mouth.

It was like she was shouting,
Don’t say that!

But Kiss didn’t look at Pink, who was covering his mouth. He looked straight at me.

Then, with a light motion, he brushed Pink Bear’s arm away. It looked gentle, but it must not have been; Pink Bear wobbled to the side.

“H-hey.”

“Where are you going, assistant? Pink Bear wants to be alone right now.”

And indeed, Pink Bear stood with her head lowered, holding the rabbit doll tightly, ready to leave.

She looked like she wanted to run.

“She lived like a fool and died, and only at the judgment table did she realize it. While replaying her soul’s memories in what you might call a ‘life-flashback.’”

But seeing her so restless, unable to flee because of what he was saying, made her look so pitiful I had no choice but to step in.

“Stop it, Kiss. I don’t want to hear it.”

“But you were curious.”

He wasn’t wrong. I had been curious. I still was. But…

“Pink doesn’t like it.”

“Maybe Pink’s starting to dislike you a little now?”

What kind of nonsense is that supposed to be?

While I glared at him in disbelief, Pink ran off somewhere without even looking back. But I couldn’t bring myself to call her.

Instead, I turned that glare back to Kiss.

“Staring at me is fine and all, assistant.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing. I just wanted your attention.”

I tried to pull his arm off my shoulders, but unlike usual, he didn’t let go today.

“Hey, assistant.”

“What, let go already.”

Kiss whispered quietly.

“When you went into the ringmaster’s quarters earlier, what were you doing?”

“……”

I froze.

I clearly showed how startled I was by his words.

“Haha, this is funny.”

Kiss watched me for a moment, then finally started laughing as he let go, and only then could I manage to speak.

“What are you talking about? His quarters?”

“I was heading to the office earlier, and I saw you go in. Then from the window, I saw you heading toward the quarters.”

So he saw.

He really saw.

I felt a cold sweat run down my back.

I had to make up an excuse.

“Because of Samdu…”

“Samdu?”

Kiss raised his lips in a gentle expression.

“What about the dog?”

“He laughed at me… so I wondered why.”

“?”

Only then did his gentle expression shift into genuine curiosity.

“He laughed? Cerberus? Really? You’re not lying?”

“I’m telling the truth.”

“Why?”

What do you mean, why?

I hesitated, then explained what happened earlier. That I imitated a dog bark, and Samdu laughed. Then I went to the ringmaster to ask why, which was how I ended up inside the quarters, an embarrassingly weak excuse. Kiss listened with sparkling eyes.

“What kind of dog noise did you make?”

Hearing it phrased that way was strangely irritating.

“Just… you know.”

“Just?”

“Woof woof…”

I tried my best to mimic the bark the same way as before, but Kiss’s eyes widened like he’d seen something fascinating. Then he burst into giggles. Just like Samdu had earlier.

Annoying.

“I’m leaving.”

“Hey, why? Did you really go ‘woof woof’? That woof woof?”

But even after turning away, curiosity got the better of me, and I glanced back.

“What does it even mean?”

“Oh, that?”

He started to answer, then snickered again. He was so irritating I almost kicked him in the shin right then and there, if not for the answer that finally came out.

“Mom kissed Dad.”

“What?”

Kiss kept laughing until he eventually covered his face with his hand, shoulders shaking.

“What you just said. It means something like, ‘Mom kissed Dad.’ And that ‘mom’ refers to the speaker.”

Wait… two little dog-bark syllables meant something that deep?

“Even though, purebreds don’t exactly have a mom or dad.”

I remembered hearing something like their reproduction being close to self-cloning, so I understood what he meant immediately. So from Samdu’s perspective, hearing me randomly mumble something like “Mom kissed Dad?” in clumsy pronunciation must’ve been hilarious.

Letting out a natural sigh, I left the laughing Kiss behind and headed into the circus tent.

“Where are you going? Let’s play.”

“Don’t follow me.”

I refused him flatly and went to sit at the edge of the tent, pulling my knees up and hugging them.

Ha, life…

A sigh escaped me.

It wasn’t just because I embarrassed myself saying something weird, or because Kiss was annoying.

The logic was silly, but since I was the one who said it, that meant I was Samdu’s mom…

And the dad would be the ringmaster.

Once that thought hit, I grabbed my head with both hands.

Damn it, Samdu saw the deodorizing procedure back then too…

Still clutching my hair, I remembered that incident. Why did that have to happen inside the shack?

Is that why you laughed so hard earlier, Samdu, seriously…

As I sat there drowning in shame, a dog paw appeared in my field of vision. I lifted my head, and it was Balbari.

“What’s wrong, assistant? Something happen?”

I appreciated that Balbari was worried because I looked upset, but he too had a dog body, and could bark if he wanted, so he was the last person I wanted to face right now.

So I answered like a sulky teenager begging to be left alone and buried my face in my folded arms again.