TBM Vol 4 Part 10

The officetel wasn’t far from Lee Il-seo’s neighborhood. Security was tight; a guard halted him at the parking lot entrance. When Sa Seung-yeon rolled down his window and smiled, the kind with crescent-shaped eyes he used on camera, the guard did a double-take. He recognized him immediately, stammered something about being a fan, and offered a handshake. His familiar face opened doors; he was guided to a parking spot close to the building. The moment the window rolled back up, the practiced smile vanished like water on hot pavement.

After turning off the engine, Sa Seung-yeon folded his hands on the steering wheel and buried his forehead in them.

“Haa…”

Ever since he’d learned that Lee Il-seo was staying at Park Jae-ho’s place, an intangible discomfort had lodged in his chest. It felt like black waves lapping at his ankles, trying to drag him into a swamp of unease.

He slowly raised his head, his eyes sweeping over the dim parking lot. He didn’t know which unit was his. Even if he did, he couldn’t just walk into someone else’s home. With no better option, he dialed Lee Il-seo but only got the automated message repeatedly.

[The call cannot be connected. After the beep, you will be directed to voicemail.]

He sighed and prepared to redial when a pair of headlights sliced through the shadows. A sleek foreign car pulled into a nearby space.

His dark eyes narrowed, trailing the vehicle as it came to a stop. As soon as it finished parking, the driver got out first, and soon someone got out from the passenger seat as well. Next to Park Jae-ho, who was opening the trunk and taking out a shopping basket, Lee Il-seo was taking out a cake box.

Seung-yeon, who had been watching the two with an indifferent face like a porcelain doll, opened the car door and got out of the car. Shoes that crossed the parking lot with wide strides stopped, and a low voice cut between the two people walking side by side.

“Lee Il-seo.”

Both of them stopped walking, and Il-seo turned his head first. The smile on his lips that had been directed at Park Jae-ho slowly fell, and his even, light eyebrows gradually rose.

“Sunbae?”

Sa Seung-yeon lifted the corners of his mouth and looked at Park Jae-ho.

“I need to talk with Lee Il-seo. Would you mind giving us some space?”

Park Jae-ho didn’t answer right away and looked at Il-seo first, and only after Il-seo nodded did he take the cake from Il-seo’s hand and go up. Watching that trivial eye contact, blue veins bulged on the back of Seung-yeon’s hand as he clenched his fist.

Il-seo watched Park Jae-ho enter the officetel building all the way before shifting his gaze to Seung-yeon.

“How did you know I was here?”

But his brown eyes held a strange coldness. Forcibly averting the wariness and suspicion in those eyes, he flashed the smile that Lee Il-seo liked. Seung-yeon raised the white medicine box he was holding.

“I dropped by because I have something to give you.”

“…”

“I went to your place, but no one was there. So I asked your manager.”

He spoke in the most simple and gentle voice possible so as not to put pressure on him. He didn’t know why, but the only variable was that Lee Il-seo was living with Park Jae-ho, and the purpose of today’s meeting was to give Lee Il-seo this medicine, so the situation would end if he handed it over and went back.

But, even though he knew that in his head, he had to constantly suppress the unpleasant feeling rising in his chest. Seung-yeon smiled so brightly that dimples appeared, desperately repeating in his mind. He and Lee Il-seo were nothing to each other. So, there was not a single reason to be angry here.

However, Sa Seung-yeon’s pitch-black eyes, which had been restlessly circling around Lee Il-seo’s face, landed on his slender neck. At first, he just thought Lee Il-seo looked cold, but then a strange mark on the nape of his neck caught his eye. Though faint, the reddish mark remaining was someone’s bite mark.

Along with the feeling that someone was strongly pulling at his heart, an unbearable headache occurred momentarily. Shifting his gaze to the side, Seung-yeon slowly swept back his hair. He gritted his teeth to maintain the fabricated expression, but he didn’t know if his expression was being properly managed.

“Ah…”

Oblivious, Lee Il-seo stared at the medicine box and murmured, “Herbal medicine? Why…?”

Doubt remained in Lee Il-seo’s large eyes. Seung-yeon bit his lip once and then slowly turned his head, forcing himself to smile calmly.

“You said you were sick. Think of it as an end-of-year gift.”

But by then, his voice came out hoarse, as if his throat was burning. Lee Il-seo stared at the herbal medicine blankly, then looked up. His small face was now filled with reluctance.

“I’m fine.”

Il-seo shook his head and spoke in a troubled voice, and in the end, Seung-yeon’s smile also became awkward like someone who had swallowed something bitter. But Seung-yeon didn’t give up and pushed the box closer to Il-seo’s body.

“Just, can’t you just accept it?”

But Il-seo reflexively took a step back as if he had been handed a bomb. Soon, the last bit of a smile remaining on Seung-yeon’s face disappeared at the troubled face looking up at him while shaking his head.

“Can’t I even give you this?”

“I don’t need it and there’s no reason… I don’t want to accept it.”

The look in Lee Il-seo’s eyes as he gazed at the herbal medicine had less astonishment and questioning than before, but rather, his now empty eyes somehow looked a bit tired.

Seeing that expression, Sa Seung-yeon felt like the walls were closing in on him from all sides. A faint anxiety and a slight nausea. And along with a headache, a black tide rapidly surged, crushing Seung-yeon’s lungs. Seung-yeon swept his dry cheek and murmured in a low voice.

“I don’t want you to be sick, that’s all.”

Sa Seung-yeon stepped forward the same distance that Lee Il-seo had retreated.

“I don’t understand why I need to find a reason to give just a few packs of herbal medicine.”

“…”

“If it’s not enough, tell me. I’ll get you more, as many as you need.”

Lee Il-seo no longer retreated or avoided Seung-yeon’s eyes. Lee Il-seo bit his lip, and the corners of his eyes were already red.

“You seem to have come all this way thinking I would definitely accept it.”

Lee Il-seo paused, choosing his next words, then his lips twisted in a look of helplessness. He rubbed the underside of his chin with the back of his hand and asked in a subdued voice.

“Do I have to accept everything gladly just because you give it to me?”

“…”

“Are you saying I’m not allowed to refuse?”

A heavy silence followed. Unable to bear the weight, Seung-yeon stepped back first. He relaxed his gaze and tilted his head to the side as if to appease Lee Il-seo. He tried to show the smiling face that Lee Il-seo loved so much, the one that crinkled his eyes, but the mask-like smile that usually came so easily was difficult to control, making him look desperate instead.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“…”

“The last time I saw you, you were sick, so I wanted to give you this. It’s just herbal medicine.”

Seung-yeon struggled to ignore the emotions that were rising like thorns in his chest. Even as he spat out the words as if it were nothing more than herbal medicine, what was this rising sense of unease? Was it really just herbal medicine? Was he really only thinking of giving him medicine?

Though he wanted to stop hiding his emotions in front of Lee Il-seo, who had bared his heart so honestly to him, Sa Seung-yeon couldn’t pinpoint the source of his own turmoil. The confusion twisted painfully across his face.

Lee Il-seo watched him with a deflated gaze. Those brown eyes seemed to slice straight through his defenses, and Sa Seung-yeon found himself more afraid than ever to meet their clarity.

Could it be… Could it be that I… Lee Il-seo…

The moment the thought crossed his mind, Seung-yeon took a step back as if pushed by something invisible, and Lee Il-seo, with a tired expression, parted his tightly closed lips. Lee Il-seo was confused every time Seung-yeon acted like this, urging him to sort out his feelings.

“I think I told you before. Your actions to make yourself feel better are burdensome to me.”

“…”

“Your words and actions are received by me with completely different weight and force.”

Each of Lee Il-seo’s calm words shook Seung-yeon’s heart. The more the “could it be” feeling grew, the more Seung-yeon wanted to run away from that suspicion. It was as if a fire was spreading uncontrollably. He was confused by the heat he was experiencing for the first time. Seung-yeon ran his hand over his face, suppressing the faint nausea that was rising.

Lee Il-seo stared blankly at the herbal medicine.

“In the past, I wouldn’t have been able to take that medicine.”

His dark brown eyes were overflowing with sorrow, but the corners of his lips lifted in a look of emptiness as he reflected on his situation.

“I would have spent all night caressing it, holding it, touching it, and not slept a wink.”

Despite his expression, his calm voice continued.

“That’s how I assign meaning to everything about you, your every word, gaze, voice, smile. When you don’t live up to the expectations I’ve built alone, I resent you.”

“…”

“I don’t want to do that anymore.”

A small sigh escaped him, and the tears he’d held back slipped down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away with his palm. His chest rose and fell unevenly. It was a gesture to suppress his sobs. His wet gaze turned to the floor, and Lee Il-seo barely managed to continue speaking in a voice full of pain.

“It’s all my fault for saying those stupid things at the playground that day… I’m sorry.”

Lee Il-seo, who apologized for confessing his long-standing crush, shook his head and quickly continued.

“No, it was wrong of me to confess in the first place. Like an idiot, I completely forgot about my heat and went there again—”

“You… Watch what you say.”

Sa Seung-yeon cut in sharply, gritting his teeth, and grabbed his thin wrist without thinking. He hadn’t come here to hear Lee Il-seo belittle himself like this. But Lee Il-seo twisted his hand away.

At first, I didn’t care how you acted. You were my dream, and just being by your side was enough to make me happy. But now I can’t stand it anymore. Stop it, Sunbae. Let’s just go back to being strangers, like before.”

“…”

“I’m the one who changed. I’m the problem. Just…”

Sa Seung-yeon brushed back his fallen bangs and frowned. After looking away in frustration, Sa Seung-yeon looked at Lee Il-seo again.

“Right. You had expectations of your own, resented me on your own. You even recklessly confessed, Lee Il-seo.”

His dark eyes, filled with surging emotions, scanned Lee Il-seo’s face upside down.

“You act however you want…”

“…”

“So why won’t you give me a chance to make up for my foolish behavior?”

Lee Il-seo listened to his subdued voice calmly, then looked at Seung-yeon with a composed expression and said,

“It’s just pity.”

And the strength drained from Seung-yeon’s fist. Lee Il-seo hesitated for a moment, then lowered his eyebrows and continued.

“What kind of person in the world. Would want to be treated with pity by someone they loved?”

His gaze was firm as if he had steeled himself, full of sadness but without any cracks. Lee Il-seo said as if he were finally releasing the sobs he had been holding back.

“Please, I’m begging you… I would rather die than ask you to love me.”

“…”

“Please don’t pity me.”

Lee Il-seo’s dry lips twitched as if he were about to say something more, but he closed his mouth as if giving up. After a brief silence, Lee Il-seo bowed his head and turned his back to Seung-yeon.

“Don’t go.”

Seung-yeon’s call, which came out without thinking, made the white sneakers pause for a moment, but they soon moved again. With the sound of the door opening and closing, Lee Il-seo completely disappeared from Seung-yeon’s sight.

Seung-yeon stood there for a long time, then slowly blinked.

The fire he had tried so hard to ignore had spread through his whole body, scorching his logic to ash. The thought of Lee Il-seo returning to Park Jae-ho’s house, the red bite marks left on his neck, and Park Jae-ho holding the wounded Lee Il-seo tightly in his arms made a cracked, hollow laugh flow out over his pale face.

“This is…pity?”

There was no way this terrible feeling could be such a pure emotion. There was no way that this feeling of being so tormented, of wanting to tear Park Jae-ho to pieces right now, could be mere pity.

Could it be? Do I really feel that way about Lee Il-seo? No, but—

Countless unformed thoughts became crossroads, and hot fires spread to each path. There was nowhere for him to stand or set foot on any of those paths. It was already too late. There was nowhere to step, and there was no turning back.

Sa Seung-yeon covered his mouth. His body heaved as if something vile would rise, but nothing came. Seung-yeon slowly lowered his hand and stared intently at the spot where Lee Il-seo had disappeared.

“Lee Il-seo.”

He called out, but there was no answer. Of course. Lee Il-seo, who had erased all expectations of him, had returned to Park Jae-ho’s house.

“Lee Il-seo!”

His ice-cold voice echoed through the parking lot. But Lee Il-seo never appeared. Sa Seung-yeon looked around, panting. Only cold air brushed against his feet.

“Goddamn it…”

In the end, Lee Il-seo didn’t appear. With a thud, the medicine box was slammed against the wall. The once-sturdy corner of the box crumpled, and brown liquid spilled out from the cracks.

Momentarily disoriented, Seung-yeon staggered for a moment, then got into the car with a pale face. His hand lacked strength to pull the handle properly, causing it to slip several times.

He didn’t remember how he got home at all. Seung-yeon’s car stopped crookedly in the garage. Seung-yeon took his hands off the steering wheel and released his seat belt. But that was it. Seung-yeon didn’t open the car door and leaned his head against the seat like someone who had exhausted all his strength.

“…”

Nine years. Though Sa Seung-yeon knew it was a long time, he wasn’t the type of person who would irrationally allow his feelings for someone to suddenly grow just because that person had liked him for a long time.

It began as simple regret. He regretted his behavior. He regretted his actions of treating Lee Il-seo carelessly while misunderstanding him, and he regretted not noticing Lee Il-seo’s loneliness, who hadn’t shown any signs of distress while they were together.

But that regret turned into anxiety the more Lee Il-seo pushed him away. With each encounter, Lee Il-seo grew more distant. The more he tried to hold on, the more tired Lee Il-seo’s expression became. The more he interfered, the more damaged their relationship became.

Seung-yeon was reminded of a white drawing paper that had been ruined while he was drawing as a child. He had hastily colored over a roughly sketched outline, and when parts didn’t look right, he loaded his brush with excess paint and painted over them recklessly. He was never good at art, even as a polite lie, and was only eager to finish quickly.

“You shouldn’t add more brush strokes here.”

The teacher had pointed at the paper’s wrinkled corner. When he asked why, the answer was simple: the page was already torn. That adding more paint to the part that was starting to tear would rip it completely. Those white, delicate things must be treated gently and carefully.

Nevertheless, Sa Seung-yeon stubbornly continued to add more brush strokes, and while the traces of his efforts remained intact, the drawing became increasingly messy. He regretted acting as he pleased, but once damaged, the paper couldn’t be smoothed out again.

Only after the wet paint had completely dried did the original sketch fully reveal itself beneath the stains. The capricious pencil marks he had drawn carelessly without properly examining them had been depicting his feelings for Lee Il-seo from the beginning. Not knowing this, he had painted and rubbed over it until the paper lost its original form and became ruined.

He liked Lee Il-seo.

It wasn’t that he liked his tangerine like personality or his body.

From the very beginning, it was Lee Il-seo.

“Damn it, now of all times?”

With a hollow mutter to himself, he raised his hand to cover his eyes. His eyeballs felt like they would pop out, burning hot, and it felt like bitter liquid was rising in his throat. Beneath his trembling hands, his even more precarious exhalations scattered.

If this incomplete emotion truly was love, then something had gone wrong, terribly wrong. For on an already ruined paper, neither erasing nor painting would be of any use.

***

Lee Il-seo barely exhaled a shallow breath that only he could hear. His hand still clutched the parking lot door handle, the one that led to the elevator. When Sa Seung-yeon had called out his name, it took everything not to answer. Not to run out.

Lee Il-seo, who had been staring at the floor with a devastated expression, only opened the door after the sound of wheels had faded away. When he walked outside, the herbal medicine box had been abandoned where Sa Seung-yeon had stood.

“…”

Brown liquid was leaking out like dirty water through the crumpled box. Although there were no passersby, as the high-security officetel only allowed entry through line-specific entrances, he needed to clean it up quickly before someone came.

With a heavy sigh, Lee Il-seo knelt beside the mess. He lifted the lid and began collecting the torn packets one by one. He pushed the box and soggy wrappers to a corner, but the sticky liquid still remained. He’d need tissues and a garbage bag. He was about to head to Park Jae-ho’s place when the parking lot door opened behind him. Park Jae-ho’s voice called out,

“Lee Il-seo. You were taking so long.”

“Ah, hyung.”

“What are you doing there?”

Lee Il-seo turned his head, pointed at the herbal medicine box with his finger, and lowered his eyebrows.

“This burst and… I need something to clean it…”

Lee Il-seo’s voice, which had been cheerful, became choked, and he couldn’t finish his sentence. Tears fell heavily down his cheeks, and Park Jae-ho, with a surprised expression, helped Lee Il-seo stand up. Seeing Lee Il-seo, whose hands were soaked from picking up the herbal medicine, raising the corners of his mouth while shaking his head as if trying not to cry, Park Jae-ho unconsciously furrowed his brow.

“You…”

When Sa Seung-yeon had come here, a vague assumption had crossed Park Jae-ho’s mind. And now, the moment he saw Lee Il-seo’s eyes, he became certain about that relationship. And also how deep Lee Il-seo’s wounds were.

Park Jae-ho placed his palm on Lee Il-seo’s trembling back and slowly patted it.

“It’s okay, don’t hold it in.”

Lee Il-seo bit his lip and tried blinking, but eventually buried his forehead on Park Jae-ho’s shoulder. Along with a small sob, the sorrow he couldn’t contain finally burst and flowed.

That day, they cleaned up the herbal medicine together with frozen hands and returned home. Park Jae-ho didn’t ask why Sa Seung-yeon had come all the way here, and Lee Il-seo also left only a brief apology without any special explanation. He surely had many questions, but Lee Il-seo was grateful to Park Jae-ho for treating him the same as always.

Before long, the year changed. It would be no exaggeration to say that both of them only stopped by their homes to sleep, as they were so busy they couldn’t catch a breath. The new year brought many commemorative schedules, and meanwhile, Lee Il-seo also had to prepare for moving by looking for a place to live.

The house that had been messed up because of Kang Hyung-won was cleaned up by Choi Kyung-hyun, who called a moving company, and the belongings in that house were moved to an empty conference room at the company.

Despite his busy schedule, Lee Il-seo found time to visit his grandmother in the hospital. He brought gifts, fruits, rice cakes, and snacks to celebrate the new year, but since his grandmother couldn’t eat them, most were distributed to the hospital staff. His grandmother, who had recently recovered from a severe cold, had noticeably weakened afterward.

Even with the TV she’d once longed for, his grandmother barely sat up anymore. The time she spent lying down, staring at the ceiling, and falling into a light sleep gradually increased. That’s why his heart sank every time he received a call from the hospital. His mind and body began to reach their limits as he was slowly consumed by constant worry and anxiety.

“She’s in a very weakened state. Her metabolism has slowed down, too. Given her age, she’s not in good condition, so please visit frequently when you can.”

A heavy silence fell. Lee Il-seo carefully composed his expression in front of the hospital room, mulling over what the nurse had told him. No matter how difficult it was, he wanted to show only a bright face to his grandmother. Entering the room, Lee Il-seo sat down beside his grandmother.

“Grandmother.”

He sat beside the bed and called softly, but there was no reply. Carefully, Lee Il-seo took his grandmother’s hand and shook it. Though he knew he was disturbing a deep sleep, seeing his grandmother sleeping more deeply than usual created an anxious feeling in his chest, making him want to make eye contact at least once.

“Grandmother, Lee Il-seo is here.”

Only then did her eyelids slowly open. Her cloudy pupils drifted around before slowly focusing on Lee Il-seo. With a bitter smile, Lee Il-seo took off his hat and spoke again, clearer this time.

“Grandmother, it’s me, Lee Il-seo. Do you recognize me?”

His grandmother stared blankly at him without any expression, then smiled in response when she saw Lee Il-seo struggling to lift the corners of his mouth.

Lee Il-seo sat next to his grandmother and quietly told her about his recent activities. He talked about trivial things, such as selling bread at the cafe where he had recently filmed a commercial, which reminded him of the pastries his mother used to bake, and how he wore a hanbok for the New Year’s greetings shoot, which he realized was the first time since his first-grade sports day.

“…”

Lee Il-seo, who had been chattering away to someone who gave no meaningful response, slowly stopped talking. His grandmother had already fallen asleep.

Lee Il-seo, who had forced a smile, began to clean up around his sleeping grandmother. He felt like he would start crying if he looked at her tightly closed eyes any longer.

He threw away the expired food in the refrigerator, wiped the storage compartment with wet wipes, and organized the items. With time to spare, he took out a book from his bag and read. After a while, a short vibration sounded, and a message arrived saying that Kyung-hyun had arrived. It was already time to leave. Lee Il-seo wiped his dry face with his hands and quietly said to his grandmother.

“I think I have to go now.”

“…”

“I’m always late, I’m sorry.”

Dry, cracked self-reproach fell to the floor. Was the promise to live together at home if he succeeded, the promise to become a wonderful person that his grandmother could remember, just empty hope? At that time, it felt like he had no reason to live if he didn’t make such a resolution, but now it seemed like nothing more than empty bravado, and his heart ached. Lee Il-seo suppressed the accumulating regrets and forced a firm voice.

“Don’t just keep sleeping. Watch some TV, look at the sky outside, and think about me sometimes too.”

He held back the urge to whine, “I’m having a hard time these days too,” and smiled, crinkling his eyes.

“I’ll come again.”

With his plea that had turned into nagging once more, Lee Il-seo left the hospital room. He wanted to stay longer, but he had a schedule that afternoon. Today was the day to move his belongings from the company storage to his new home.

He met with Choi Kyung-hyun, picked up his things from the company storage, and headed to his new apartment. It was thirty minutes from his old neighborhood. Lee Il-seo’s expression was strange as he looked out the car window at the unfamiliar streets and surroundings. He never thought he would leave the neighborhood he had lived in for so long so suddenly.

Choi Kyung-hyun, who had parked the car smoothly in the spacious parking area, said proudly, “Isn’t the parking space great?”

“Yes. It’s spacious and nice.”

But he also felt a little excited about starting anew. Lee Il-seo smiled faintly and unbuckled his seatbelt. The contracted house was a two-room officetel with a large parking space, as Kyung-hyun had repeatedly emphasized. Kyung-hyun and Lee Il-seo chose a newly built building with strict security, even if it was a bit smaller than other candidates in the same price range. There was also a resident security guard at the entrance of the building, so visitors had to obtain a visitor’s pass to enter the units.

“It looks empty because there’s so little luggage. I should buy something next time.”

“It’s fine. Having too many things only makes cleaning difficult.”

“Here’s another storage space.”

While Choi Kyung-hyun and Lee Il-seo were neatly organizing their few belongings and leisurely examining different parts of the house, the phone in his pocket rang. Lee Il-seo put down his guitar and answered with a stiff face after checking the caller ID.

“Hello.”

[Ah, yes. Hello. Is this Lee Il-seo? You previously requested secondary trait testing, correct?]

“Yes, that’s right.”

[I’m calling because the results are out. Please make an appointment and visit the hospital as soon as possible.]

“Ah, yes. I understand.”

Choi Kyung-hyun, who had been drinking orange juice, immediately approached when he heard Lee Il-seo’s voice sink seriously.

“What’s wrong?”

“The hospital… They say the test results are out.”

A brief, astonished look crossed Choi Kyung-hyun’s face before disappearing. He patted Lee Il-seo’s thin shoulders and spoke in a gentle voice.

“Don’t worry, let’s hear the results first.”

“Yes.”

Lee Il-seo nodded but couldn’t smile comfortably. The air in the house settled heavily.

***

The spacious dining room was filled with a savory smell. The broth for the rice cake soup, filling more than half of the pot, was bubbling away.

Lee Il-seo had come home late from a photoshoot, and Park Jae-ho had just returned from drama filming. It was already past dinnertime, but they’d promised to eat together tonight, because this would be Lee Il-seo’s last night staying at Park Jae-ho’s place.

To show his thanks for Park Jae-ho’s endless understanding, Lee Il-seo had insisted on making rice cake soup. It was a menu choice that was quite conscious of the New Year’s celebration that they hadn’t been able to have together, even though it was a bit late.

After finishing his schedule, Lee Il-seo went shopping and followed the recipe he liked most from the internet to make rice cake soup. He lifted the corner of his mouth after tasting a spoonful of the broth. It was perfectly seasoned, not too bland.

He sprinkled in chopped green onions, let the soup simmer for a few more minutes, then ladled a generous portion into deep bowls. As a finishing touch, Lee Il-seo piled seaweed flakes in the center of each bowl and placed the more beautifully arranged bowl on Park Jae-ho’s side.

Picking up his spoon, Park Jae-ho looked at Lee Il-seo with a grin.

“You’re a good cook?”

“Not really. I just followed the recipe.”

“That’s what being good at cooking means.”

Lee Il-seo laughed hollowly as he stirred his rice cake soup and then took a spoonful of the broth. He had worried it might taste bland without meat, but thankfully, the rice cake soup, clearly cooked with anchovy broth, was fine. When his stomach showed no signs of rejection, Lee Il-seo felt relieved and took a generous spoonful of rice cakes and broth.