TBM Vol 4 Part 4

Lee Il-seo massaged the nape of his neck and gave the answer Sa Seung-yeon seemed to be waiting for.

“Yes. I am.”

“…”

“I’m almost done.”

Due to the uncomfortable emotions, his voice came out quite dry. Sa Seung-yeon, who had momentarily hardened his expression at Lee Il-seo’s answer, pulled up the corners of his mouth a bit late but refreshingly. As expected, it seemed to be the answer he wanted, which made Lee Il-seo’s chest throb once more. The statement about almost finishing his emotional organization was a hastily sewn-together lie.

“Right. Physical attraction is easy to mistake. The easier it is, the faster the cleanup.”

Every word from Sa Seung-yeon’s lips felt like a thorn, sharp and deliberate, driving straight into Lee Il-seo’s chest. He wasn’t just brushing the wound, he was pressing into it, making even standing still unbearable.

“That’s good.”

With a voice that somehow sounded relieved, Sa Seung-yeon suddenly reached out and pulled Lee Il-seo’s ring finger toward himself.

“How about meeting me again after you’ve sorted out your feelings?”

“What…?”

“You should find someone, too. Someone suitably compatible.”

But that wasn’t what Lee Il-seo had expected. His brow furrowed, confusion and disbelief crossing his face. He slipped his hand from his grasp and answered, firm and immediate:

“No… I don’t need that.”

As he looked at the withdrawn hand, an unreadable expression spread across Sa Seung-yeon’s face. It was as if he hadn’t even expected such an answer. Lee Il-seo, with his hand on the nape of his neck, continued:

“Actually, it was my first time having such a relationship. I don’t want to do it again because mixing bodies without establishing a relationship makes me anxious and stressed.”

“Wait a moment.”

Sa Seung-yeon raised his eyebrows, and then one corner of his mouth twisted.

“You’re saying that was your first partnership?”

At Sa Seung-yeon’s surprised expression as they flitted across his face, Lee Il-seo reflected on the lie he had told.

“How do you find partners?”

“Just… Whoever’s suitable…”

“Suitable?”

“If we’re compatible, we sleep together. That’s all.”

That was how Sa Seung-yeon had always viewed him. An actor who took sponsorships. A man who handled physical intimacy without complication. Someone who would spread his legs again days after claiming he couldn’t, not with feelings involved—an easy outlet.

This was why he had casually proposed being partners in the past. Why did he sometimes speak carelessly during intimacy? Why he could now suggest they pick up where they left off, after she’d kicked away someone who had cared for him. All of these were the result of him wallowing in the mud pit he had dug himself. Being angry at him for seeing him as dirty while he was covered in mud was no different from the pot calling the kettle black.

With this miserable realization, his stomach churned again. Somehow feeling more ashamed now than when he had confessed, Lee Il-seo clenched his fist and answered in a subdued voice.

“Yes. And anyway, once I’ve liked someone, I can’t… Be their partner.”

“You’re being unusually stubborn.”

Tilting his head slightly and tapping his temple with his palm, Sa Seung-yeon let out a hollow laugh. The muttered words at the end of his laugh contained a curse. Sensing the somewhat aggressive change in atmosphere, Lee Il-seo looked up at Sa Seung-yeon.

“…”

His eyes scanned him, slow and deliberate, from chin to brow. Deep black, rimmed in red. Bloodshot and unreadable. Cold.

Shrugging his shoulders once, Sa Seung-yeon asked with an expression of incomprehension,

“You said you couldn’t be partners because you like me. Can’t you do it again after sorting out your feelings?”

“I don’t think we’re communicating. I said I can’t be a partner at all.”

“We only slept together for a few months. Have you gotten too emotionally attached?”

It was a blow—sharp, dismissive, final. He had reduced what he thought was a sincere confession to a fleeting obsession born of casual sex. He had imagined his feelings were a stone cast into deep water, lost but meaningful. But no, he didn’t even see them as ripples. Just drifting seaweed.

Well, since only he knew that he had liked him for nine years, it wasn’t Sa Seung-yeon’s fault, and continuing this conversation would only deepen the wounds. With one corner of his mouth raised crookedly, Lee Il-seo exhaled a sigh of resignation.

“From what I saw last time, you seem to be actively looking for other partners.”

“…What?”

“Someone like you can quickly find a better partner than me.”

With emotions on the verge of bursting, Lee Il-seo bowed slightly and tried to pass by Sa Seung-yeon. But a strong grip seized his wrist. His already weakened body staggered to a halt.

“Lee Il-seo, stop being so proud.”

His voice was gentle, coaxing. As if his heartache was just pride refusing to bend. He struggled against his grip, but his strength held him in place.

He smiled with dimples and all, as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t just gutted him. But the more he smiled, the more his heart felt torn to pieces.

Quite a long time passed as they faced each other in silence. Slowly, a crack formed between Sa Seung-yeon’s brows as he stared at him penetratingly.

“Could it be… You want to date me?”

“What?”

“I’m asking if you won’t sleep with anyone unless they’re your romantic partner.”

It wasn’t wrong, but that wasn’t the focus. However, Sa Seung-yeon was only focusing on the aspect of sleeping with him.

“Ha, really…”

Even the nausea that persisted after vomiting was beginning to subside in Sa Seung-yeon’s presence. But every word he spoke pierced his heart painfully like an ice pick. Curses filled his tongue, but he was too tired to spit them out.

With an exhausted murmur, Lee Il-seo met Sa Seung-yeon’s eyes and gave a seemingly throwaway answer.

“No.”

“…”

“Whether we date or not, I mean, I will never sleep with you again.”

Finally, the smile gradually disappeared from Sa Seung-yeon’s lips, and Lee Il-seo also stared at him with an incomparably cold expression. Then that cold gaze shifted to the wrist Sa Seung-yeon was holding.

“And don’t use force on me.”

Sa Seung-yeon stood frozen. Lee Il-seo yanked free. The bathroom was narrow, and as he left, his shoulder brushed his.

Each step made his eyes sting. He knew the tears were coming. He bit down hard, clenched his jaw tight. This was a filming site. He couldn’t fall apart here.

He forced himself down the corridor, breathing deeply. From a distance, Choi Kyung-hyun spotted him and rushed over.

“Il-seo, I turned on the heater in advance… Oh…”

He had thought Lee Il-seo was in a hurry because he needed to use the bathroom urgently, but the expression on Lee Il-seo’s face was anything but normal.

“What’s wrong? Did you cry?”

At Choi Kyung-hyun’s voice was gentle, laced with concern. A hot lump rose in Lee Il-seo’s throat. But he desperately blinked his eyes and shook his head. Realizing that Lee Il-seo was trying hard not to cry, Choi Kyung-hyun quickly stroked his heaving back.

“You did well today. Our Lee Il-seo really did well today.”

Dancing with chicken, beaming in front of the camera, swaying to the music—he had been praised endlessly for doing it all with bright energy. Even as an unknown actor, Lee Il-seo had trained as an idol for four years. Acting cute for the camera came naturally. The shoot had gone well. There’d even been whispers about a future advertisement, but now Lee Il-seo wore a precarious expression on the verge of collapse.

“Uh… Lee Il-seo?”

At that moment, breaking away from Choi Kyung-hyun’s embrace, Lee Il-seo began walking aimlessly. Choi Kyung-hyun followed him, trying to gauge the situation. Was he sick, or had someone called him out for something? As all sorts of worries clouded his mind, he turned his head when he sensed someone coming out of the bathroom.

‘Sa Seung-yeon?’

Choi Kyung-hyun frowned. He couldn’t make out his expression from afar, but he knew he cared about Lee Il-seo. He had bought him a phone and even pushed for this ad campaign through Ril Entertainment.

Still, something told him he was the one who had hurt him. However, since this was just speculation based on the circumstantial evidence of them having used the same bathroom, Choi Kyung-hyun turned his head again to follow Lee Il-seo.

As soon as Lee Il-seo, whose eyes had turned red but who had finally managed not to shed tears, got into the car, he lowered his head.

“I want to go home.”

“Okay.”

Choi Kyung-hyun slowly started the car. While driving, he occasionally glanced at Lee Il-seo through the rearview mirror. Lee Il-seo, who had already composed his emotions, sat blankly staring out the window.

In the middle of driving, there was a rustling movement from the back, followed by a small voice reaching the driver’s seat.

“Kyung-hyun, could you give me some tissues?”

“Sure.”

Choi Kyung-hyun passed a pack of tissues over his shoulder. As Lee Il-seo reached for them, Choi Kyung-hyun caught a glimpse of his fingertips, smeared with red.

“Are you bleeding?”

“Ah, yes… A nosebleed…”

Lee Il-seo answered with a congested voice as he pulled out a tissue and held it under his nose. Choi Kyung-hyun clicked his tongue softly.

“That nosebleed is becoming a chronic problem.”

“I know. I thought they had stopped recently…”

The tissue pressed under Il-seo’s nose quickly turned crimson. He pulled out another and held it there again. By now, it should’ve stopped. But the warmth kept trickling beneath his nostrils, refusing to stop..

He crumpled the blood-soaked tissue, grabbed a fresh one, and repeated the motion. In the driver’s seat, Choi Kyung-hyun kept glancing at him through the rearview mirror, his eyes growing increasingly uneasy.

“It’s still not stopping?”

“Uh, yes…”

“Why isn’t it stopping?”

Even in the brief seconds it took to switch tissues, blood had already reached Lee Il-seo’s chin. Drops had stained his clothes. His head felt lighter now, dizzy, as if the world were tilting slightly off-center. He’d had nosebleeds before, sure, but never like this. Never this relentless.

“Are you okay?”

“Ah, yes. I’m oka—”

Cutting his answer short, Lee Il-seo urgently pressed the back of his hand against his lips.

He felt like vomiting. Despite trying to breathe steadily while gripping the car door against the rapidly encroaching nausea, his vision was beginning to constrict darkly. Lee Il-seo barely managed to squeeze out his voice.

“Kyung-hyun…”

“Yes?”

“H-hospital, please.”

“Hospital? Didn’t you say you had an appointment next week?”

Choi Kyung-hyun’s voice rose, confused and alarmed. He remembered clearly, Lee Il-seo had scheduled a check-up for next week to avoid filming clashes. But when he checked the rearview mirror again, Lee Il-seo’s pale, hunched figure said more than words could.

“J-just hang on a little longer!”

The van abruptly changed lanes.

***

“Patient Lee Il-seo?”

Lee Il-seo, with a rolled-up tissue stuffed in his nose, raised his head. He followed the nurse’s polite gesture to the seat outside the examination room. Minutes later, his name was called again.

“Please go to Examination Room 2.”

Choi Kyung-hyun gestured for Lee Il-seo to go ahead. Even after entering the examination room, his nosebleed hadn’t stopped, so he received gauze to replace the tissue. Lee Il-seo described the various symptoms that had been troubling him for several months.

“I often get fevers, and I get nosebleeds frequently even when I’m just a little tired.”

“Ah, yes. Have you been doing anything physically demanding?”

“Yes. For the past few months…”

He started to explain his routine, but even to his own ears, it sounded pitiful. During drama shoots, his meals were irregular at best, and by the end, he’d gone days with only three hours of sleep. Then there was Sa Seung-yeon—his relationship with him had become another kind of pressure, though he glossed over that part.

“I’ll interpret this after looking at your blood test results, but you know that overwork and the resulting stress are the causes of many illnesses, right?”

It seemed like a stress-induced condition. Still, given the frequency and severity of his symptoms, the doctor recommended a comprehensive examination.

Just then, a nurse entered with test results after knocking and approached with a puzzled expression. After asking for the doctor’s permission, she asked Lee Il-seo:

“Patient, I’m sorry to ask, but did you mark your secondary trait type as ‘Beta’?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

Making a small ‘hmm’ sound, the nurse stared intently at the results and then approached the doctor to hand over the papers. The two of them discussed something, but their voices were so quiet that even Lee Il-seo couldn’t hear.

The atmosphere in the examination room became somewhat strange, and the doctor alternated between looking at Lee Il-seo’s results and the screen. After a moment, the doctor folded his hands and spoke to Lee Il-seo. His tone was calm but somehow more cautious.

“Patient, how about getting examined at a secondary trait clinic as well?”

“Pardon?”

“The blood test results are fine in other areas, but…”

The doctor turned the paper toward Lee Il-seo. Taking out a pen, he pointed at a part of the chart that was difficult to understand and began explaining.

“Here, the values are abnormal.”

The value of the purple graph that the doctor circled with his pen was pointing to somewhere in the middle.

“This graph represents Pheromone levels, and as you can see, it’s above the middle. If you were Beta, there should be no reaction at this level at all.”

Surprised, Lee Il-seo raised his eyebrows and read the values carefully. Looking at the bar graph that was significantly elevated, Lee Il-seo tilted his head sideways.

“Could there be an error in the test…?”

“That’s not possible.”

“This test doesn’t give exact figures, but the presence of a Pheromone reaction is clear. You need to follow up with a secondary trait clinic.” 

His voice was more resolute than before.

“If, indeed, your secondary trait type has changed.”

“…”

“Persistent low-grade fever, nosebleeds, loss of appetite, or binge eating. All overlap with manifestation symptoms.”

Lee Il-seo’s furrowed brow wouldn’t smooth out. With gauze in his nose, Lee Il-seo sat frozen like a statue, just listening to the doctor’s words.