TBM Vol 4 Part 6

Two days later, Lee Il-seo knocked softly before stepping into the waiting room at the broadcast station.

As soon as he opened the door and saw Sa Seung-yeon’s back, cold sweat pooled under his palm gripping the doorknob. But he showed no sign of it and went inside.

As a courtesy, the station had arranged a shared waiting room for the two performers. Once, he would’ve been pleased. Now, it felt like swallowing glass.

Sa Seung-yeon’s manager, who was sitting on the sofa, stood up and greeted Lee Il-seo as soon as he sensed his presence.

“Hello!”

“Hi.”

“Please have some steamed buns. The production team prepared them for you to eat while waiting.”

The manager politely pointed to the steamed buns on the table. The buns were freshly bought and still steaming hot. Hwan, who made the suggestion, was already eating one, and the filling in the half-open bun was bulging out..

“A little later…”

Before he could finish, the meat-slicked scent hit his nose. Warm and greasy, it clung to the air. His stomach gave a violent twist. Gritting his teeth, Lee Il-seo quickly drew a breath and forced the rest of his sentence out.

“I’ll have some later. Please, help yourselves.”

Just then, a chair swiveled around, and Sa Seung-yeon turned his head. Lee Il-seo and Sa Seung-yeon’s eyes met, and Lee Il-seo’s fingers flinched.

‘Oh…’

What had been a suspicion before was now confirmed. Sa Seung-yeon’s jawline is noticeably sharper, and his already distinct features appear even deeper and more pronounced. Even at a glance, he had lost weight.

“…”

With his hair naturally styled to fall just above his eyes, he simply stared at him without greeting, despite making eye contact. Finally, Lee Il-seo bowed his head first.

“Hello.”

After looking at Lee Il-seo, Sa Seung-yeon also replied a bit late.

“Yeah.”

He turned away, took a long drink from a water bottle, then propped an elbow on the chair’s armrest and pressed his temple with a finger. One leg crossed over the other. The pose was awkward and defensive, so unlike his usual self that it caught his attention more than it should have.

Sitting a short distance away, Lee Il-seo picked up the script on the table. He’d need to ad-lib parts, but reviewing the overall structure was still necessary.

As he turned the printed pages one by one, making brief notes about things not to forget and things to say, the pen suddenly slipped from his hand. When Lee Il-seo tilted his head back, Sa Seung-yeon was standing beside him.

Reflexively looking behind, he noticed his manager was no longer there. Lee Il-seo extended his hand without meeting Sa Seung-yeon’s eyes.

“Please give it to me.”

Sa Seung-yeon put the pen down on the table. The pen that dropped with a thud rolled away.

“Let’s talk.”

Sa Seung-yeon’s voice was lower than expected, laced with strain. Hoarse. On edge. Lee Il-seo had to suppress the instinct to ask if he was alright.

“Go ahead.”

Lee Il-seo answered without making eye contact, still seated. Sa Seung-yeon bit his lips, which looked dry despite the makeup, and suddenly apologized,

“If what I said last time hurt you, I’m sorry.”

“…”

“Both then and now.”

Unable to forget his words, Sa Seung-yeon pressed his temple firmly and then ran his hand through his hair. With a brief sigh, he spoke as if confessing:

“I don’t think I’m in my right mind.”

His headaches were getting worse by the minute. The medication for his Pheromones did nothing. Even painkillers had failed. The moment he remembered the look in Lee Il-seo’s eyes as he pulled away, the pain would spike. Through the splitting agony in his head, only one thing rang clear, an overwhelming desperation to keep Lee Il-seo by his side.

Lee Il-seo turned his head in the opposite direction, feeling uncomfortable with Sa Seung-yeon’s raging Pheromones, and the gesture hit Sa Seung-yeon like a bell tolling in his skull..

He lunged forward, grabbed his forearm, and yanked him to his feet. He barely had time to react before he pulled him into his arms and pressed his face to the curve of his neck. Drawing in deep, urgent breaths, Sa Seung-yeon groaned.

Lee Il-seo flailed, trying to break free, but his grip tightened. His strength overpowered his resistance..

“Ugh, this is the waiting room… What if someone comes in?”

“Just a moment.”

“Sen…ior!”

“Please. Fuck, I’m not trying to hurt you, just one minute, please…!”

His voice shook with raw desperation, entirely unlike the assertiveness of his actions. Lee Il-seo faltered, caught off guard.

Though Sa Seung-yeon’s embrace had been sudden and forceful, his Pheromones—once sharp as knives—were slowly calming. Even though he couldn’t feel them, he sensed a change. His unique scent, like a dawn-lit forest, grew stronger. The greasy smell of the steamed buns faded as if it had never existed.

With every breath Sa Seung-yeon took, his racing heart slowed. Warmth bloomed in his limbs. The nausea melted away. Eventually, his resistance faded too, and he hung in his arms, limp and breathless.

“Now, please… Stop…”

Belatedly realizing they had been embracing for too long, Lee Il-seo barely managed to push Sa Seung-yeon away, and surprisingly, Sa Seung-yeon was pushed back without resistance.

Head lowered, Sa Seung-yeon’s hand pressed to his forehead, he swallowed hard. The searing pain had dulled, finally. For the first time in a long while, he could think clearly. Suppressing his rising emotions, he looked at Lee Il-seo and asked:

“Why don’t you answer my calls?”

He had called twice. Though he knew the phone was ringing, Lee Il-seo couldn’t bring himself to answer. He had behaved rudely toward Sa Seung-yeon and left as if running away, and afterwards, his mind had been completely occupied with the secondary trait test.

After taking the general stabilizer prescribed at the secondary trait clinic as an emergency measure, his nosebleeds and abdominal pain decreased, but in their place, waves of nausea came more frequently. Eating properly had become nearly impossible, and just staying on schedule was a battle. He hadn’t responded to anything except calls from Choi Kyung-hyun..

“…I was busy.”

Sa Seung-yeon moved his lips as if he had much to say, but in the end, he couldn’t say anything and just nodded weakly. Lee Il-seo wiped the nape of his neck where Sa Seung-yeon had buried his nose and mouth with his palm and exhaled.

“Did you contact me about being partners?”

“…What?”

“You suggested being partners again. Is that why you contacted me?”

Unlike before, his tone held no accusation. The sharpness in his gaze had dulled. The anger that once flared in his eyes had been replaced by something quieter, more unreadable. That calm, curious look struck Sa Seung-yeon like a blow, driving him deeper into an indescribable, suffocating self-loathing.

“How could you see a person as…”

Sa Seung-yeon muttered just loud enough to be heard, then took a deep breath to suppress his emotions. He was trying to pull some restraint from the depths of his impulses. Lee Il-seo’s heart wavered easily, concerned by Sa Seung-yeon’s unusual pale complexion and anxious gaze, wondering if he was truly unwell.

“What I said that day could have hurt you. I was thoughtless.”

Sa Seung-yeon frowned with one eye as he recalled the past and continued.

“Your expression that day—it wouldn’t leave my head. Every time I remembered your expression, my head would throb. It got so bad I thought maybe, if I just saw you again and we talked, it might help. But I couldn’t get through to you…”

Even while speaking, he gritted his teeth several times, and despite breaking each word apart as he spoke, he felt like he was rambling. As expected, Sa Seung-yeon ended his answer without properly finishing his sentence. Seemingly frustrated with himself, he placed a hand on his hip and let out a deep sigh.

Lee Il-seo’s eyes narrowed. This was a Sa Seung-yeon he didn’t recognize. Someone shaken, someone vulnerable. A man who always seemed untouchably composed and self-assured now looked painfully human. Something about it ached in Lee Il-seo’s chest. Yet he smiled faintly, as if the absurdity of the moment tickled him.

“Ah… I wasn’t really hurt by such words. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve been misunderstood.”

“…”

“And that day, I was also being disrespectful.”

Il-seo continued in a calm and deliberate tone.

“Well, either way, it sounds like you wanted to clear up some misunderstandings by seeing me in person.”

“…”

“If you want a smooth emotional resolution, honestly, talking like this isn’t particularly helpful… And I’d prefer it if you didn’t do things like…Sudden hugs.”

Lee Il-seo tapped near his chest with a closed fist, eyes drifting away from Sa Seung-yeon’s. At that gesture, Sa Seung-yeon’s gaze sharpened, growing cold. Lee Il-seo was distancing himself again. Realizing this felt like being thrown into freezing water. Drenched in confusion and hurt, he loosened his tie, suppressing the surge of Pheromones clawing their way to the surface.

While holding onto the thread of reason that was about to snap, he bit his lip hard enough to crush it, but all kinds of garbage words were caught at the root of his tongue.

That is because just by rolling around with you, I’ve become a broken Alpha who gets aroused by a Beta. That these damn Pheromones are driving me insane, and only you can calm them. That every day, I’ve been losing my mind, wanting to drag you in front of me and shatter everything holding me back because I can’t reach you. That if I hadn’t hugged you just now, hadn’t breathed you in, I would’ve dragged you into the corner of the waiting room and pinned you down with that force you hate, spewing filth like a man obsessed.

Is there no other way? Even if I lied, pretended it was love, just to take your body, how long could you stand being deceived? This rut, it could tear us both apart.

Afraid of how this entire train of thought would appear repulsive and absurd to Lee Il-seo, a Beta who had to endure an extreme Alpha’s violent rut while in his right mind, Sa Seung-yeon couldn’t utter a single word.

The reality that he would only be hated by Lee Il-seo no matter what he did poured down on him like ice water. Lee Il-seo, who had been staring at Sa Seung-yeon, who just stood there breathing heavily, slowly parted his lips.

“Also, I’m mentioning this just as a precaution.”

“…”

“I heard what the PD said earlier, and they said this variety show appearance was also proposed by Ril Entertainment.”

He had run into the PD in the hallway just before entering the waiting room. The PD, familiar with Sa Seung-yeon, had casually shared that the guest’s invitation had come from his agency. Lee Il-seo had smiled and promised to pass along the thanks.

“I appreciate you looking out for me, but… I think it’ll just make things worse between us. I’d appreciate it if you could stop arranging joint castings going forward.”

“…”

“I’m… not in a position to decline castings… That’s why I end up coming to these.”

Sa Seung-yeon blinked slowly, then slightly frowned. A hot breath mingled voice flowed between his dry lips.

“When your heart is fully settled. You’ll never see me again?”

“…”

“That’s what it sounds like.”

A beat later, Seung-yeon folded his eyes in a smile, but Lee Il-seo immediately recognized it as a fake smile.

“Who knows?”

Lee Il-seo’s hand tightened into a fist. The farther he got from Sa Seung-yeon, the more nauseous he felt, like he might lose his footing entirely. Every instinct screamed to throw himself into that familiar embrace, to drown in Sa Seung-yeon’s scent and never come up for air. But instead, he lifted the corners of his mouth in a careful, practiced arc.

“Would we have any reason to see each other personally?”

Sa Seung-yeon’s eyes flinched. Lee Il-seo, holding his nape, continued in his characteristically gentle voice.

“But if we both make a little effort, don’t you think we could see each other much more comfortably than now when we meet for work someday?”

“…Effort?”

“It may be difficult for you to understand, but sorting out my feelings takes me a bit longer.”

Maybe for Sa Seung-yeon, this was just about erasing four fleeting months of sex. But for Lee Il-seo, it meant letting go of nine long years—years filled with admiration, quiet affection, routines that became second secondary trait, and memories that shaped him.

“So give me a bit of space, and I’ll cleanly sort everything out. And… Thank you for apologizing the other day. I know you didn’t mean any harm. I’m sorry too. For being disrespectful.”

His answer was neat. Complete. It left no gaps for interpretation, but something in Sa Seung-yeon rebelled. He didn’t want to nod. He didn’t want to agree. Every word felt like a lock clicking into place, an answer he couldn’t breathe around.

Just then, there was a knock from beyond the door, followed by the assistant director’s cheerful voice.

“Actors! Are you ready? Five minutes until filming.”

Lee Il-seo bowed his head briefly and left the waiting room first. Sa Seung-yeon, who had clenched his teeth enough to create a line on his jaw, dropped his head like a defeated soldier.

***

Lee Il-seo sat in the waiting chair and watched Sa Seung-yeon filming.

Professional. Composed. The tension from earlier had vanished like it never existed. Sa Seung-yeon sat comfortably beside the host, wearing that picture-perfect smile. He answered questions with ease, tossed in light jokes, even drew laughter from the staff and crew..

“Lee Il-seo, you’re up soon.”

At the cue, Lee Il-seo stepped forward. With the host’s warm introduction, he took his seat and slipped seamlessly into character. The questions were light, drama set anecdotes, and memorable moments. He spoke about the time he’d caught Sa Seung-yeon’s stalker and how that had propelled his name to the top of the search rankings. Their eyes met a few times, briefly, but neither lingered. Their performances were smooth and professional. Just colleagues.

After the filming ended successfully, Lee Il-seo smiled and greeted the cast brightly. Then his gaze tangled with those Sa Seung-yeon pitch-black eyes.

“…”

“…”

Fortunately, maintaining his smile, Lee Il-seo gave a silent bow to Sa Seung-yeon but didn’t look at his expression before turning his head. As soon as he got in the car and the door closed, all the expressions he had been putting on drained away like the ebb tide. Choi Kyung-hyun, who was watching the tired-faced Lee Il-seo silently closing his eyes through the rearview mirror, quietly raised the heater’s temperature.

Lee Il-seo rested his head back and closed his eyes. A moment later, as if jolted by a thought, he pulled out his phone and opened his calendar. Leaning forward slightly, he said,

“Kyung-hyun. Didn’t you say your cousin was opening a jazz bar soon?.”

Choi Kyung-hyun looked hesitant. Lee Il-seo had promised to drop by and support the opening, but given his recent health issues, even going through physical exams, it felt wrong to push him now.

“Oh, but you don’t have to come. Rest at home.”

“I can go.”

“It’s fine.”

As Choi Kyung-hyun smiled, Lee Il-seo’s face stiffened slightly.

“Kyung-hyun, I want to go.”

“Huh?”

“Staying home makes everything worse. I keep overthinking. It’s easier when I’m busy. I want to see people. Have a drink.”

Lee Il-seo’s voice was quite serious. Choi Kyung-hyun bit his lip thoughtfully before finally nodding. The bar opening is tomorrow. At Choi Kyung-hyun’s promise to pick him up on time tomorrow evening, Lee Il-seo smiled and nodded.

“Thanks. See you tomorrow evening.”

“Yes, Kyung-hyun. Get home safely.”

As he stepped out into the night, the wind hit him sharply. He shoved his hands deep into his coat pockets and walked briskly. In the alleyway leading to his building, a man suddenly approached, closing the distance too fast.

Lee Il-seo hesitated and turned his head. The face was familiar, and he remembered who it was after a moment. It was someone who lived next door. They occasionally ran into each other, so he recognized the face.

“Hello. I’m… Your next-door neighbor.”

“Ah, yes. What can I help you with?”

“You’re actor Lee Il-seo, right?”

“Ah… Yes, that’s right.”

“Oh.”

The man, who looked to be around his age or slightly older, went up the stairs ahead of him. Since they lived on the same floor, they naturally climbed together. But the man kept glancing around, as if searching for something. After several awkward moments, he broke the silence.

“I was shocked when I saw you on TV. Your face looked so familiar, and I wondered if it could be you. It’s amazing. A celebrity living next door.”

The man, who appeared to be the same age or perhaps a bit older, shared his thoughts. Then he carefully asked a question.

“Um, I’m just curious… Do you smoke?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Huh… Then who could it be?”

When Lee Il-seo asked what was wrong, the man frowned slightly and said,

“Someone keeps smoking on our floor. But the windows don’t open up there, so the smoke lingers. People used to go one floor down,  but recently someone has been smoking on our floor and just leaving. The smoke gets trapped in the hallway, and they throw cigarette butts on the stairs.”

It seemed the man was trying to break through the awkwardness to talk about the smoking issue. He frowned deeply, looking displeased.

“I’ve asked everyone else I’ve run into, but they all say they don’t smoke. Since all the tenants deny it, I’ll have to put up a warning notice. I’m so annoyed by the cigarette smoke.”

Come to think of it, this was the man who often banged on the wall at the slightest noise. Lee Il-seo hadn’t been home much recently due to his busy schedule, but it seemed the man was quite stressed about the cigarette smell, too. Lee Il-seo nodded and said:

“Yes. Maybe you should bring it up  with the building manager.”

“I should. Seriously, would it kill them to go outside to smoke?”

They reached the top floor. As the man had said, there was a faint lingering smell of cigarettes. The man sniffed disapprovingly, then quickly bowed his head when he noticed Lee Il-seo waiting for the right moment to say goodbye.

“Oh, I really enjoyed your drama. I hope you become even more successful.”

“Thank you. Have a good night.”

With that awkward farewell, both men went into their apartments. Lee Il-seo turned on the lights in his dark room and slowly took off his coat. While washing up and changing clothes, his stomach growled.

“I’m hungry.”

Unfortunately, the only snacks available were things like steamed buns and chicken sandwiches, which he couldn’t eat. Most readily available food options were instant or greasy, so he had no choice but to skip dinner.

Could it be that when your secondary trait changes, your taste changes too? Lately, Lee Il-seo had been satisfying his hunger with bland, non-stimulating foods. He took instant nurungji (scorched rice) from the cupboard. After pouring it into a bowl, he added boiling water. Having quickly emptied a bowl of nurungji, Lee Il-seo took two tangerine-ade from a box to fill his stomach further and swallowed a general stabilizer pill.

He habitually checked his phone for messages. The test results wouldn’t be out for a while, but he was too anxious to bear it. Lee Il-seo had spent the night searching for ‘secondary trait transformation’, when secondary trait changes’, ‘late manifestation’, but the cases were so rare that there were few results, and most just advised visiting a specialized hospital.

***

A van pulled up in front of a lively commercial building. Lee Il-seo stepped out, glancing around. Choi Kyung-hyun stayed behind to park the car.

Jazz music flowed from the entrance, making the destination easy to find. Lee Il-seo raised his eyebrows as he went inside. His eyes were naturally drawn to the sophisticated French-inspired interior. Choi Kyung-hyun’s cousin must have had extensive connections, as there were many plants with congratulatory messages throughout the bar, and it was already bustling with customers, more than half the tables filled.

After introducing himself at the front, Lee Il-seo was led to a cozy, private table tucked away behind tall dividers. It wasn’t ideal for viewing the live stage, but the privacy was a welcome trade.

Choi Kyung-hyun, who had returned after parking, proudly smiled at Lee Il-seo, who was studying the menu.

“My cousin is an amazing cook. Order whatever you want.”

Hearing the triumphant voice, Lee Il-seo lowered his eyebrows, looking troubled.

“I’d like… Fruit side dishes.”

“Fruit?”

Choi Kyung-hyun questioned, finding it strange to choose fruit over all the delicious side dishes, then let out a short sigh.

“Ah, right. You can’t eat greasy food these days.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for? When you get better, let’s come back. I’ll tell them to bring lots of fresh, sweet fruit.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“What about alcohol? Are you avoiding that too?”

Lee Il-seo smiled and shook his head. At his answer that it was fine, Choi Kyung-hyun awkwardly smiled along and scratched the back of his head.

“I feel like I’m taking care of a pregnant wife.”

They both chuckled for a moment, and Choi Kyung-hyun left the table with the menu. As Lee Il-seo picked up his phone to check if there were any messages from the hospital, someone stopped beside his table. Thinking Choi Kyung-hyun had returned quickly, Lee Il-seo raised his eyebrows and looked up, but his expression immediately froze.

“Wow, it really is Lee Il-seo?”

“…”

“Good to see you.”

The voice was unmistakable, but the face had changed, worn by time. Gu Dong-yeong stood at the entrance to the table, grinning brightly. Gu Dong-yeong looked with interest at Lee Il-seo, who was too shocked to move, then twisted one corner of his mouth crookedly.

“Ignoring a senior who’s saying hello?”

“Ah.”

Lee Il-seo slowly stood up, gripping the table, and bowed his head.

“Hello.”

Gu Dong-yeong frowned at the formal tone.

“What’s with the honorifics all of a sudden?”

“Didn’t you want to be treated like a senior?”

At Lee Il-seo’s unexpectedly cold response, Gu Dong-yeong let out a scoffing laugh.

“As always, still got that sharp tongue.”

Next to him stood Han Yuseok, the model and actor Lee Il-seo had seen countless times on-screen. Since he was already standing, Lee Il-seo gave a polite bow to him as well.

“This is Lee Il-seo. You know him, right?”

“How could I not know him? He’s so hot right now.”

Han Yuseok extended a hand with a smooth, practiced smile.

“I really enjoyed your drama. I’m Han Yuseok.”

“Thank you.”

The greetings ended, but Gu Dong-yeong didn’t budge. He seemed entertained by the way tension gathered in Lee Il-seo’s jaw, in the tight corners of his eyes. Gu Dong-yeong scanned the area, then casually dropped into a seat at the table. Lee Il-seo shut his eyes for a moment, then opened them again, frustration simmering.

“I have company.”

“Is your company twenty people? The place is empty. Let’s sit together. It’s been a while.”

Thanks to Choi Kyung-hyun’s consideration, Lee Il-seo had been assigned a spacious table in the back, so he had no argument against Gu Dong-yeong.

“What are you doing? Sit down.”

Gu Dong-yeong patted the seat beside him. Reluctantly, Lee Il-seo sat, keeping his distance. Yuseok took the seat across from him, picking up on the strange current between the two.

Gu Dong-yeong had nothing meaningful to say, but he filled the silence anyway, tossing out pointless remarks and grinning like it was all a joke only he understood.

“You’ve lost so much weight. Your baby fat used to be cute.”

“Was it?”

It was ancient history. Bringing up memories that wouldn’t be pleasant for either of them seemed pointless. Lee Il-seo just rubbed the back of his neck and gave minimal responses.

Gu Dong-yeong glanced at him sideways, noting how he avoided eye contact, then pulled out a cigarette and lit it with ease.

“You’re really putting up walls. Is this because you got famous?”

Despite the sarcastic tone, Lee Il-seo answered with no change in expression, eyes downcast.

“We never kept in touch anyway.”

“Come on, we went through hell together. That counts for something..”

Hard times. Lee Il-seo had much to say about the past that was reduced to those two words, but he kept his mouth shut. As an awkward silence continued with cigarette smoke spreading instead of conversation, Han Yuseok, unable to bear the atmosphere, spoke first.

“I’ve heard a lot about you from Gu Dong-yeong.”

“About me?”

Lee Il-seo turned toward him, startled. He tried to smile the way Sa Seung-yeon always did, charming, unfazed, but it came out crooked and unsure.

“You were in the debut lineup for Friable, right? He said you were trainees together for a long time.”

“Yes, that’s right, but…”

Friable was the name of the group Gu Dong-yeong was currently active in, and the group Lee Il-seo had been kicked out of. While answering Han Yuseok, his gaze turned toward Gu Dong-yeong. He wondered why Gu Dong-yeong had been talking about him. Gu Dong-yeong tapped his cigarette ash into the ashtray as if nothing was wrong.

“He knows we dated, too.”

Lee Il-seo’s face froze. His carefully maintained composure disappeared, and his voice trembled uncontrollably.

“…What?”

“It’s just childhood stuff, what’s the big deal?”