TBM Vol 5 Part 3

“I also found out recently while preparing the clarification article with Il-seo. His stepfather apparently beat him a lot when he was young.”

“I didn’t hesitate to remove the moles on my cheeks and near my mouth during my trainee days… but this one, for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to remove it.”

「That person is really strange

Getting stranger and stranger

Being hit is painful and hard, but it’s okay

The bodies heal eventually」

「4566, you said you are an Alpha?

Is that what Alphas are like?

When that time comes, can they do such things even to someone who could be their son?」

「I’m sending singing videos to agencies by email.

Some places have asked me to come for auditions… I’m going to go」

「Your support always reminded me of someone I liked」

「When I become a singer, please recognize me

And be my number one fan, just like now」

Lee Il-seo’s voice, Lee Il-seo’s past, and the contents of Tangerine’s letters mixed chaotically, causing an unbearable ringing in his ears. The sharp honking, the screeching of tires as he swerved the steering wheel, his own ragged breathing, none of it could be heard.

Leaving his car parked across the line, he went straight to the elevator. He arrived at Il-seo’s home and rang the doorbell. Without a moment’s pause, he immediately knocked on the door, but there was no answer.

“Lee Il-seo!”

Anxiously grinding his teeth, he rang the doorbell again. Still no answer. The door lock came into focus through Seung-yeon’s shaking vision. After staring at the keypad for a moment, Seung-yeon impulsively entered a four digit number.

「4566」

The four digits that were both the last four digits of Lee Il-seo’s phone number and his own nickname. Those numbers opened the closed door.

At the clear unlocking sound, Sa Seung-yeon flinched and froze. He had been half-hoping it wouldn’t work, so the shock was even greater. He stared blankly at the open door before slowly reaching for the doorknob.

He stepped into the dimly lit studio apartment. He couldn’t see well inside. Seung-yeon took deep, ragged breaths as he took off his shoes and stepped inside. It was so quiet that he could only hear his own heartbeat, and cold sweat broke out on his forehead, down his back, and on his palms. Seung-yeon’s steps slowed as he passed the entryway and reached the living room.

“…”

He could see a figure curled up on the sofa. Face buried in the black knit sweater Sa Seung-yeon had given him, with the coat draped over him like a blanket. And around it were tissues, rounded into balls from wiping away tears.

Lee Il-seo must have been in a deep sleep, as he didn’t wake up even when Sa Seung-yeon approached the sofa and knelt down. Seeing the closed eyes and relaxed mouth corners barely visible through the knit sweater, the strength drained from Seung-yeon’s eyes.

Running his palm over his face, Seung-yeon sat on the floor as if exhausted. Unable to wake the peacefully sleeping young man, he leaned his back against the sofa and bowed his head.

Before long, Lee Il-seo stirred with a rustling sound. After moving his body this way and that several times, he sighed as if uncomfortable. Slowly pulling down the knit sweater covering his face, Lee Il-seo sat up on the sofa.

And their eyes met.

“…”

“…”

With eyes reddened from crying, Il-seo stared blankly at Seung-yeon and blinked several times. Then slowly, the space between his eyebrows narrowed, and he suddenly reached out to touch Seung-yeon’s shoulder. The slender fingers, realizing this wasn’t an illusion, curled up as soon as they touched Seung-yeon’s arm.

“…Sunbae?”

His voice was rough and low from sleep. Sa Seung-yeon slowly rose and sat beside Lee Il-seo. The chocolate-colored eyes following him were still treading ambiguously between the boundaries of dream and reality.

Sa Seung-yeon put his hands around Lee Il-seo’s nape and waist and pulled him into his arms. The half-awake young man easily melted into the embrace. The warm body temperature and soft flesh sensation of someone who had just woken up filled Seung-yeon’s entire body.

“Why, why… suddenly, how did you get in?”

Lee Il-seo’s eyes widened as he belatedly understood the situation. His body instantly stiffened, and his palms pushed against Sa Seung-yeon’s shoulders. Sa Seung-yeon, embracing him more tightly as if to suppress the intense agitation with greater force, forcibly lifted his stiff lips.

“Just a moment… let me hold you just for a moment.”

A husky, deep voice flowed out. Startled by the serious tone, Lee Il-seo obediently relaxed his body. Sa Seung-yeon exhaled rapidly while holding Lee Il-seo tightly.

Why, why did he always end up hurting someone so kind? The more he loved Lee Il-seo, the more it felt like he shouldn’t. And for the first time since realizing his feelings, it felt like his heart might collapse under the weight of them.

“Is something wrong?”

At the voice spreading from his chest, Seung-yeon slowly opened his tightly closed eyes. He detached Il-seo from his embrace and met his eyes. Sa Seung-yeon’s confusion gradually reflected on Il-seo’s face as well.

Something about him was so different tonight. Lee Il-seo’s eyes scanned Sa Seung-yeon. Reading the disheveled hair and clothes, the bloodless face, and the wildly shaking eyes, Il-seo ran his fingers through his disheveled hair and swept it back.

“Why…”

The faint Omega pheromones settled powerlessly over the raging Alpha pheromones. Even the way he tried to calm the other despite his pale complexion made Seung-yeon’s heart ache. Looking at Il-seo, who still maintained eye contact with a puzzled expression, Seung-yeon finally opened his hesitant lips.

“You… you asked me to recognize you when we met again.”

“…”

“…Tangerine.”

A silence heavy enough to suffocate filled the room. Lee Il-seo’s chocolate-colored eyes trembled. His pheromones, which had been soft just moments before, suddenly sharpened like blades, coldly scraped at Seung-yeon’s insides.

“What are you saying…”

“…”

“Tan…gerine? How did you…”

Il-seo’s voice, which had been repeating the same words, changed. His voice, as if thinly sliced by something, couldn’t finish the sentence, and his uncontrollably trembling eyes met Seung-yeon’s face.

Sa Seung-yeon was smiling in disbelief, but his eyes looked more anxious than anyone. Those desperate eyes even appeared unusually moist in the darkness.

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

Sa Seung-yeon’s head dropped down as he ran his palm across his cheek.

“But can you forgive me? I’ve waited, waited for so long.”

His album and playlist were particularly similar to Il-seo’s tastes. Even the only moments when this defensive person didn’t hide his true feelings were when they shared stories about music.

-You sang well.

-I guess you would have graduated by the time I performed.

-I’d like to hear other songs besides what Haru sang.

“That person… was you, sunbae?”

Seung-yeon’s eyes gradually distorted as he faced Il-seo’s dazed expression.

“Why… are you disappointed?”

Unlike 4566, Sa Seung-yeon had only caused Lee Il-seo pain. Had he rashly come and tainted even Il-seo’s precious memories? Seung-yeon’s eyes quickly drooped like a lost puppy, despite the smile he had forced.

“Ah…”

A sound similar to a sigh burst from Il-seo’s mouth. He was so surprised that he felt something twisting inside. Seeing Il-seo’s expression, unable to continue speaking, Seung-yeon could only remain frozen, not even blinking, not knowing what to do.

“No, that’s not it… Ugh.”

As he spoke, something watery refluxed up his esophagus. As Lee Il-seo covered his mouth and quickly bent his waist, Seung-yeon’s hand simultaneously supported under Il-seo’s chin. Seung-yeon held a nearby trash can with his other hand, preventing an unsightly scene, but his hand became soiled with the clear liquid.

Lee Il-seo fidgeted, his face turning pale.

“Stay seated.”

Sa Seung-yeon slowly stood up. After washing his hands under running water, he brought wet wipes, held Lee Il-seo’s hand, and carefully wiped it clean.

“Are you okay?”

“It’s not that I dislike it… I was just so surprised.”

Lee Il-seo spoke urgently. He had to explain immediately because Sa Seung-yeon’s hands comforting him were trembling like aspen leaves.

The mood instantly became chaotic as he vomited from shock. While Il-seo went to the bathroom to finish washing his hands and rinse his mouth, Seung-yeon rummaged through the cupboard to find something to drink, and when Il-seo returned to the sofa, warm milk was placed in front of him.

A strange current flowed in the room after the commotion. A pleasant warmth filled the room as they exchanged somewhat awkward yet ticklish conversations.

Just as the word ‘Tangerine’ had become an unforgettable word for Sa Seung-yeon, ‘4566’ was the same for Lee Il-seo.

Sa Seung-yeon’s ID, which he had created by pressing random numbers, had followed Il-seo throughout his life. It was used as the last digits of his phone number, his account password, and even his entrance door code, subtly accompanying his daily life.

“The CEO showed you that video? He still has it?”

After hearing the whole story, Lee Il-seo sipped his milk while covering his faintly spreading smile with the cup. Next to Seung-yeon, even the milk that he couldn’t swallow because of nausea before felt rich and smooth, and the cup was soon empty. Seung-yeon, noticing Il-seo’s appetite returning, searched the refrigerator and brought out more edible things and another glass of milk.

In the sporadic stories of the past, there were some that only one of them remembered, and there were memories that both recalled and laughed about.

When Seung-yeon asked if his guitar fingering had changed, Il-seo nodded, asking how he knew. His fingers had been broken several times by Kang Hyung-won, so he had no choice but to change it after that. Since Lee Il-seo had originally taught himself guitar, there were awkward grips, which he corrected according to standard techniques during his trainee life. The unique vocalization in the video had also become more skilled as he received vocal training after his voice changed during puberty, which had strained his vocal cords.

It would be a lie to say that Seung-yeon hadn’t thought of Tangerine when first seeing Lee Il-seo’s performance. But at that time, honestly, he had hoped more that Il-seo wasn’t Tangerine. He recalled the foolish moments he had wasted trying to find and rationalize differences in playing technique, the mole, and vocal style.

Even while talking with Seung-yeon, Il-seo couldn’t believe that Seung-yeon had been 4566. Hearing that Seung-yeon was working at the theater company when Il-seo left home and lost contact with 4566 made him feel somehow amazed and also a bit warm-hearted.

In the silence, the two briefly shared the same thought.

“If we had met back then, would things have been different?”

“Maybe.”

Sa Seung-yeon sighed and leaned back into the couch. The milk and coffee had gone lukewarm. Only the sound of their breathing softly filled the room. Seung-yeon placed his cup on the table and asked

“Il-seo.”

“…”

“You said you wanted to get rid of it.”

Sa Seung-yeon and Lee Il-seo were thinking the same thing. Il-seo nodded while fidgeting with his cup. Taking a deep breath that made his chest rise and fall noticeably, Seung-yeon turned his head, and his deep black eyes captured Il-seo’s profile.

His increasingly gaunt face looked very tired. Sa Seung-yeon could vividly imagine him anxiously searching for ways to terminate the pregnancy alone, and falling asleep with his face buried in clothes to gather the faded pheromones.

He had lost Lee Il-seo once before, when the boy fled his stepfather’s abuse. Seung-yeon didn’t want to experience that sense of defeat and loss again. He didn’t want to leave Il-seo alone a second time.

Clearing his throat, Seung-yeon looked at Il-seo and asked with a deep voice.

“Alright. Then at least until then…”

“…”

“Could I be your Alpha?”

Once again, Lee Il-seo stood before Sa Seung-yeon in a precarious state, just as the young Il-seo whom he had failed to save. So this wasn’t selfishness begging for love, nor was it a petty desire to pretend to be lovers.

Just being an Alpha to protect Il-seo, that qualification alone was enough.

But Il-seo, lost in thought, didn’t easily open his mouth. As the silence stretched on, similar thoughts crossed both their minds. The articles that would spread and the sharp comments that would run if Seung-yeon registered his name as Il-seo’s proxy. If word spread now that Seung-yeon was related to Il-seo’s pregnancy, they would face criticism beyond imagination.

At the end of the same thought, they reached opposite conclusions.

“That won’t work—”

“Yes, I figured it needs more thought.”

Before Lee Il-seo could finish his refusal, Sa Seung-yeon cut in with a calm voice, as if he’d anticipated it.

Seung-yeon, who had gotten up from the sofa, turned his stiff neck and cracked his bones. Seung-yeon nodded, watching Il-seo blankly looking up at him, who was only calm even though he had been rejected.

“Let’s go for now.”

“Yes?”

As Lee Il-seo just stared with his eyebrows furrowed as if asking what he meant, Sa Seung-yeon spoke in an even tone.

“You can think about it later. For now, let’s go home and sleep. The bed here is small. We’ll have to sleep close together if we stay here.”

Sa Seung-yeon slipped his hand under Il-seo’s thighs. Il-seo, who had pushed against Seung-yeon’s chest, answered without looking at Seung-yeon.

“I’m not going…”

“What to do.”

Sa Seung-yeon’s hand lightly ruffled the top of Lee Il-seo’s head.

“Surely, you didn’t think I would obediently go back in this situation? Does Lee Il-seo not know my personality yet?”

The high school senior who had shaken the world inside him with a light compliment, 4566, who had given him pure and unique support when he was trying to find meaning in life, the actor Sa Seung-yeon, whom he admired, and Sa Seung-yeon, who had hurt him. All four people were read in Seung-yeon’s face, and Il-seo was speechless for a moment as if he was choked up.

“Get a good night’s sleep for once.”

“…”

“Let’s sleep first, eat properly too. Then you can think about it, it’s not too late.”

Along with the comfortable voice that gently lifted at the end, a faint pheromone was laid at his feet. As if his clothes were getting wet in a misty rain, the pain in his stomach, the anxiety that gnawed at his heart, and the emptiness that made him feel like he had been abandoned alone in the world all disappeared with Seung-yeon’s pheromones that permeated between his bodies.

Seung-yeon waited for Lee Il-seo, who neither readily gave an answer nor refused. Lee Il-seo gnawed on his lips, then slowly stood up.

“Then just for tonight…”

Lee Il-seo was desperate for sleep. His quiet consent softened Sa Seung-yeon’s lips into a faint smile. He grabbed Il-seo’s arm, who was staggering as if it was too much to even get up from his seat, and headed to the parking lot with a light support.

Seung-yeon’s words about sleeping comfortably even for just one day proved hollow. Not long after they departed, Il-seo fell into a very deep sleep with his head leaning against the car window.

Sensing the pheromones that leaked out defenseless between Il-seo’s breaths, Seung-yeon turned down the car music.

Lee Il-seo is Tangerine. Tangerine, who left home to escape his stepfather’s abuse and sexual harassment. And Lee Il-seo’s stepfather, as soon as he heard the news of the pregnancy, went around claiming that he was the father of the child. That bastard’s plan would be to take Il-seo’s side as his Alpha proxy if Il-seo couldn’t reveal the father.

Whether the baby was Kang Hyung-won’s or not didn’t matter. It was another form of abuse. Ten years later, Sa Seung-yeon was witnessing the abuse all over again.

But now it’s different. There was no need to bow his head and sell his pride because of a lack of money, nor was there any reason to waste time waiting for notes from an anonymous person he didn’t even know.

Thinking of the eighteen-year-old Lee Il-seo who had left home alone to escape Kang Hyung-won, veins immediately bulged on the back of Sa Seung-yeon’s hand. Though he tried to control his emotions to give Lee Il-seo only stabilized pheromones, it wasn’t easy to suppress the explosive anger that rose in that moment.

Tension etched into his jaw, and a tight sound slipped out from his hands gripping the steering wheel due to the friction.

He turned his head to take in Il-seo’s face. His docile face, deeply asleep and forgetting all pain, looked almost angelic.

***

“…Huh.”

Startled, Il-seo woke up and looked around. His last memory was leaning his forehead against the car window due to unbearable drowsiness. Only after seeing the cozy bedding did he realize that he hadn’t woken up even once while being carried from the car to the bed.

He slowly clenched and unclenched his fist. It had been so long since he’d had such sweet sleep that his body felt refreshed as if newly born. He looked around lazily, stretching, but it was difficult to guess the time because the room had blackout curtains drawn and the door was closed.

His fingers fumbled across the console until they found his phone. With his eyes barely open, he read the time displayed on the unusually bright screen. 11:20 PM. It was an awkward time, too late to go back to sleep, but also too early to get up.

Just then, the door creaked open, a warm orange light spilling in behind Sa Seung-yeon as he stepped into the room.

“Are you awake?”

Somehow knowing he was awake despite hardly making a sound, Sa Seung-yeon turned on the mood lamp as he entered and sat by the bed.

A sepia-toned light that was easy on the eyes shone from around the console. Now he could see the room completely. This was Seung-yeon’s bedroom. A somewhat familiar place.

Everything was exactly as he remembered except for the bedding color, which changed weekly. The last time he had been in this room was during Seung-yeon’s rut. Although, it would be more accurate to say he was dragged here rather than came

Seeing Il-seo looking around the room with a somber expression, Seung-yeon winced slightly as if realizing something.

“Sorry. This bed is the widest… I’ll move you if you’re uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine. And I can walk by myself.”

Since his intention wasn’t to burden Seung-yeon emotionally, Il-seo calmly replied while clutching the blanket. Looking at Il-seo’s profile, Seung-yeon lifted the corners of his mouth.

“Your cheeks look shiny after sleeping well.”

Seung-yeon’s voice, trying to act nonchalant, was still hoarse, and as expected, his eyes weren’t smiling.

“Don’t you want to sleep more?”

Seung-yeon desperately tried to make conversation with Il-seo, who gave no response. He was growing anxious as Il-seo stared blankly at the blanket in silence. It seemed as if that small head was repeatedly considering reasons to return home.

“You should eat something.”

“I’m fine. It’s late.”

It was indeed too late for food delivery. Il-seo refused because he didn’t want to use Seung-yeon’s kitchen after borrowing his bed, but Seung-yeon didn’t give up easily.

“You probably didn’t have dinner. Let’s eat something light.”

“I’m not really hungry—”

Grumble.

Before he could finish his sentence, a loud sound came from his stomach. Il-seo’s eyes widened as he covered his lower abdomen with his hand. The sound was so loud that even he was surprised. Seung-yeon looked at Il-seo in bewilderment before covering his mouth with the back of his hand and smiling faintly.

Seung-yeon stood up as if about to cook something right away. His voice, still tinged with amusement, gently pressed Il-seo.

“Tell me. What do you want to eat?”

Lee Il-seo hesitated, his wide eyes darting away. He wanted to refuse again, but perhaps because the growling had been so loud, those words wouldn’t come out either.

“You haven’t been eating well. Let’s at least eat something when you’re hungry. Okay?”

When he’d carried the sleeping Lee Il-seo in from the car earlier, Sa Seung-yeon had been shocked by how light he felt. Despite wearing thick winter clothes, he was too light. Normally, pregnancy should add some weight, but Il-seo seemed to be becoming half his size each time they met. An obsession to feed him something before sending him back home arose, and unlike his usual self, he spoke in a coaxing voice, raising his tone at the end. But Il-seo asked for something completely unexpected.

“Well then, do you have… ramyun?”

“Ramyun?”

Sa Seung-yeon’s smile faltered. He asked back with a slant, since it wasn’t a healthy food, and Il-seo, who had answered honestly felt discouraged. Though he knew it wasn’t healthy, strangely, he really craved ramyun. Not just any ramyun. What filled Il-seo’s mind was,

“With rice cakes… And green onions. That… spicy, steaming ramyun…”

But the specific request that followed made Seung-yeon realize Il-seo was serious. With his ears and cheeks flushed red, Il-seo was too embarrassed to meet his eyes. Seung-yeon nodded slightly as if understanding.

“The mart’s nearby. I’ll go grab some.”

“Thank you. Um… I’ll cook it myself.”

“No need. If you’re not sleepy, check out the album table.”

Lee Il-seo twitched in surprise. Thinking that’s how a rabbit would perk up its ears, Seung-yeon continued while taking out and putting on a padded jacket from the dressing room

“Listen to whatever you want.”

“…”

“It’s been a while since I heard your song selection.”

When Il-seo still hesitated to move, Seung-yeon gently held his wrist and walked to the turntable in the living room. Seung-yeon knew well why Il-seo was hesitating.

He had once thrown him out of the house just for touching a USB drive. Ironically, the voice in that USB belonged to Il-seo, and he had downloaded those videos without permission. Somehow, whenever he wanted to score some points, his past misdeeds would resurface, repeatedly cutting into his own flesh.

“Feel free to look around.”

As Seung-yeon rubbed his nape and glanced to gauge Il-seo’s mood, fortunately, Il-seo’s eyes were already sparkling with both surprise and excitement as he gazed at the albums tightly packed in the drawer.

Relieved, Sa Seung-yeon grabbed his wallet and left, and only after hearing the door close did Lee Il-seo approach the neatly stacked albums.

After just looking with his eyes, he cautiously reached out. Though he loved music, he never had enough money to collect albums. There were many rare or desirable albums. Moved by them, he found himself taking out several to examine. He repeatedly explored them with a very gentle touch, then put them back.

He didn’t know how much time had passed. He felt Seung-yeon’s pheromone along with the sound of the door lock. Il-seo now knew why Seung-yeon had noticed that he was awake even through the closed door. The presence of the other person was read by pheromone rather than sound and movement.

Returning with cold air clinging to him, Sa Seung-yeon looked at the album Lee Il-seo was holding and asked.

“That album is good, isn’t it?”

“Ah, yes…”

After hanging his padded jacket and hat on the sofa, he walked to the kitchen with a plastic bag. He had one eye squinted as if recalling something.

“Um… The one you covered.”

“Track 3.”

At Il-seo’s answer, Seung-yeon finally tilted his head back and let out a low groan. The fact that Lee Il-seo was Tangerine was truly, truly thrilling to the point of sending shivers throughout his body.

“Actually, I listened to your live version more than the original.”

“How…?”

“I downloaded everything before you deleted your homepage. That USB drive there. It has your song videos.”

Il-seo found it both fascinating and bewildering that what he had been about to look at was his own videos. Seung-yeon, also seemingly embarrassed, wrinkled his nose once and subtly asked.

“Want to watch together?”

“That’s copyright infringement…”

“Then sue me. I’m desperate to be legally entangled with you.”