TCOR CH31

Chapter 31 How did you torment him?

My impression of Xu Ao was still from the last time – that of a serious and humorous master photographer, but with limited mobility. So when I saw him standing there, opening the door for Shen Wunian and me, I was stunned for a moment.

But I soon realised that he was wearing a prosthesis. Because obviously he wasn’t trying to hide them.

He was wearing a pair of knee-length suit shorts, and below his knee was a metal prosthetic limb shaped like an elongated English letter ‘C’. It looked very futuristic and cool.

“Dinner will be ready in half an hour. You can explore the house and talk to everyone,” he turned and walked towards the house. It was at this point that I noticed the back of his prosthetic leg. On the back of the ‘C’ were two characters carved in wild cursive: ‘Xu’ and ‘Ao’.

Wow, that feels even cooler.

Xu Ao’s residence is a large three-storey villa. The interior is decorated in bright white and beige, and the living room is connected to the dining room. It is so spacious that I can do three somersaults in it.

Despite his youth, Shen Wunian is quite well known, and as soon as I entered the house, several people, both familiar and unfamiliar, came up to him to exchange pleasantries. The topics of their conversations usually revolved around a particular genre of art or an artist I didn’t know, and after a while it became very boring to listen to.

Shen Wunian must have sensed my boredom, and in between conversations he would point to the drinks and snacks on the table not far away and whisper in my ear, ‘Go and have fun by yourself. Be careful.

Following the force on my back, I took a few steps towards the dining table. When I looked back, he was already back with the others, chatting and laughing.

Shen Wunian sometimes makes me feel like I’m 10 instead of 20. It’s an illusion that bothers me a little, because the emotions it brings up aren’t all good, but they’re not bad either – I’m both amused that he treats me like a child and desperate to prove to him that I’m not.

I take a glass of orange juice and start to look around the house.

Xu Ao’s house is full of all kinds of photographic elements – antique cameras displayed as decorations, a whole wall of photography books, and photographic works everywhere.

Or perhaps they are not so much ‘works’ as records of life. There are warm everyday scenes with his family and gatherings with friends.

As I walked along the wall, I stopped suddenly in surprise at one of the photographs.

It was a slightly aged colour photograph, apparently taken at a party, with men and women of Asian appearance. Sitting on the long table was Xu Ao, facing the camera, the flash hitting his face and clearly showing his young and full features. But it was not young Xu Ao who was the subject of my surprise. I was surprised by the man at the end of the table, a little further away from the camera, who looked a little grey.

He really did look a lot like Shen Wunian, only a little older and a little more sombre. Amongst the group of people laughing happily, he was the only one not smiling, staring coldly into the camera like an angry ghost.

In the past, all point-and-shoot cameras had a quartz timer that could be set to the year, month, day, hour and minute. When the shutter was pressed, the numbers representing the time were recorded together on the film. There were such numbers in the bottom right-hand corner of this photograph.

After a little calculation, I found out that this photo was taken 20 years ago.

This is a group photo of me when I was young, taken during a dinner with a group of Chinese artists in the United States.

I was startled by the sound that suddenly came up, and when I looked back, I saw Xu Ao standing behind me, also looking at the photo with me.

This is Shen Yao,’ he pointed to the dark shadow in the corner, ‘Shen Wunian’s father.

I had already guessed. After all, the likelihood of two people in the world looking alike for no reason is very small.

Following his finger, I turned my gaze back to Shen Yao and exclaimed, ‘They really do look alike.

No wonder that day, when I took a side shot of Shen Wunian smoking, he said ‘it looks like’ without any context. At the time I thought I had upset him, but now it seems that the photo reminded him of his father. He was in the shadows and his features were not very clear, and combined with the cold and gloomy atmosphere, he really did look more like Shen Yao.

‘Do you know anything about Shen Yao?’ Xu Ao asked.

I guessed that the ‘thing’ the other person was referring to was the bestial murder Shen Yao had committed, so I nodded.

Shen Yao was quite famous in China at that time. He felt that he could achieve even greater things, so he went abroad to pursue his artistic dreams, but he hit a brick wall everywhere…’ Xu Ao sighed slightly as he said this.

At that time, Chinese artists had their own circles, and although they were in different fields, they often met. Xu Ao and Shen Yao gradually got to know each other.

Xu Ao had exceptional artistic talent and was recognised as a rising star in the art world at a young age. His first exhibition was personally curated for him by the godfather of the art world, Ashmakin. Shen Yao, on the other hand, had no stable source of income. He lived on the money he brought back from China, and his situation became increasingly difficult. His former arrogance as an artist became worthless in the face of cruel reality.

No one knows what mood he was in when he lowered his head and found Xu Ao kneeling before him, asking for his help in introducing him to Mr Ashmakhin. Xu Ao only said that as he helped Shen Yao up from the floor, Shen Yao’s eyes were red and his cheeks were tight, and he could almost hear the sound of his teeth clenching.

I made an appointment for him to meet someone, and I was supposed to go with him, but my mother suddenly fell seriously ill, so I had to rush back home. By the time I heard from him again… the tragedy had already happened. Over the years, I have often wondered if I hadn’t arranged for him to meet Mr Ashmekin, or if I had gone with him, he would never have done such a terrible thing. As Xu Ao spoke, a flash of pain crossed his eyes.

I thought that after so many years of war, Xu Ao had long since become indifferent to life and death, not only his own, but that of others. But now, listening to his tone, it seems that this is not the case.

Teacher, it’s not your fault. You had good intentions, so how could you imagine that he would do such a thing? I said sternly, ‘People who go mad will do so sooner or later.

Perhaps only a photographer who cares so much about the lives of others can throw his own life away and rush to the battlefield with great love.

Let’s not talk about it,’ Xu Ao said, shaking his head and beckoning me to follow him.

He led me through the living room and out into the open, stopping in front of a wooden house. The house stood in the courtyard, was one storey high, and covered an area of about 60 to 70 square metres. The door had a fingerprint lock.

After unlocking the door, I entered a dry and warm room with all kinds of photographic, scanning and printing equipment.

When I saw on the shelves the cameras I’d only seen online, worth hundreds of thousands of yuan, and various types of long and short guns, I was overwhelmed and unable to describe my state.

Did you bring everything you were told to bring? Xu Ao held out his hand to me.

Yes,’ I said, feeling in my pockets and pulling out a small box containing a memory card.

Like a primary school student waiting for the teacher to mark his homework, I was both afraid that I hadn’t done well and looking forward to doing well in front of the teacher.

Some of them were taken with my SLR, some with my phone, and they’re not very good.

I’ll decide whether they’re good or not when I see them. Xu Ao inserted the memory card into the card reader and began to look at the photos one by one as they appeared.

‘This one has a good composition… this one has a good mood…’ Xu Ao’s comments were a bit different from Shen Wunian’s. Shen Wunian was more of a ‘viewer’, while Xu Ao was more of a ‘photographer’.

After commenting on all the photos, he took out the memory card and gave it back to me. Then he clicked on a website and pointed to the text on it, saying: ‘The biennial Canon Masters competition has a category for young people under 21, with no restrictions on subject, camera brand or image size. It’s perfect for you to enter. He scrolled down a bit to reveal the competition prizes: ‘As well as the title of ‘Canon Master’ and a professional camera and lens, each winner will also receive an additional €10,000 in start-up funding.

But there are only a few days left to submit your entry, so if you want to take part, you need to hurry”.

The Canon Master Competition is a competition that I, as a photography novice, have heard of. Countless masters have started their journey to becoming a master by winning the title of ‘Canon Master’.

I can’t believe it… I can enter a competition like this?

It’s free, what’s wrong with entering a contest? Xu Ao saw that I was hesitating, his thick eyebrows shot up and his face became serious. “You’re still young, you should enter more competitions like this and take more chances.”

I trembled at the sight of his gaze and said hastily, “I… I will enter, teacher.”

He snorted through his nose in satisfaction.

After that, he began to teach me how to use the various machines in his studio. How to use the film scanner, printer and computer, how to turn on the lights, set the temperature and check the humidity. Gradually, I began to feel a strange sense, as if… Xu Ao was entrusting me with his legacy.

This feeling reached its peak when Xu Ao asked me to hold out my right hand and have all five of my fingerprints recorded in the fingerprint lock.

“Teacher, what are you…

“Didi di di…

Xu Ao said as he operated the fingerprint lock, “I’m going back to the war zone next week, and I don’t know when I’ll be back. This place is just empty, so you can use it as you like.

He said the most amazing thing in the most matter-of-fact tone.

I stood there for a moment, stunned, staring at him.

Seven years ago, in the middle of the war, he stepped on a landmine and lost both his legs. Everyone thought he had given up and gone quiet, but seven years later he has secretly trained himself to have cool metal legs and says he is going back.

He should know very well what going back means in his condition. It is truly a struggle for survival.

Teacher… I wanted to say something, but felt that whatever I said would be superfluous.

Xu Ao covered the electronic panel of the fingerprint lock and smiled like a mischievous child: ‘You called me ‘teacher’, so you should understand my pursuit of life better than others. Some people seek stability in life, some seek love, some seek excitement… These people all think the others are fools.

I, who pursue ‘truth’, am also considered a fool by others. But no matter, since everyone is a fool, what’s the world to fear from another fool like me? Having said this, Xu Ao closed the door to his study and walked towards the main house.

The wind is howling and the water of the Yi River is cold, the brave warrior has left and will not return! He crossed his arms and suddenly burst into laughter, his voice loud and powerful, reaching to the heavens.

I suddenly realised that today’s banquet was not only a gathering of friends, but also a farewell for everyone.

I spent the rest of the night in a daze.

Although Xu Ao and I did not know each other well, we had already developed a sense of teacher-student camaraderie. I thought I would have more opportunities and time to learn from him, but I never imagined this…

The long table, covered with a white tablecloth, was lit by flickering candlelight and smelled of flowers. I watched Xu Ao toasting and laughing with his friends, and my heart was filled with mixed emotions.

What’s wrong? You look so sad,”

said Shen Wunian, who could always tell what was going on in my mind.

The teacher is going back to the war zone, did you know that from the beginning? I asked.

There were two glasses on the table, one for wine and one for drinks. I usually only drink orange juice, but now that I was feeling down, I took the wine glass and had a sip.

The wine was some kind of amber wine, not red or white, and it was slightly sweet on the palate, with a distinct fruity aroma. It wasn’t bad. I took a small sip and then drank the rest without delay.

I knew early on, but not recently,’ Shen Wunian whispered, pouring all the wine in his glass that hadn’t been touched into my cup. I knew seven years ago that he would return one day.

The answer was not unexpected.

My teacher said that his life’s pursuit was ‘truthfulness’. I stared at the liquid in my glass as it swayed, slightly lost in thought. “Is this the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, self-actualisation?”

Shen Wunian pondered for a moment and said, “After satisfying the lower basic needs, people will always seek higher needs. You can think of it as the primal impulse that has driven human evolution to this day.

What about you? Do you have any aspirations?

‘My main needs at the moment are not self-actualisation.

I swallowed the wine in my glass again and looked curiously at the man next to me. ‘Not self-actualisation? Then where are you on the hierarchy?

There are only five levels. He should have achieved the first two levels long ago. Of the remaining three levels, excluding self-realisation, the third and fourth are left. I think about it, and the fourth level should be the need for respect, which he obviously has. The third level is… what is it?

Love and belonging. I’m still looking for… emotional connection and belonging. After Bai Qixuan broke his glasses, Shen Wunian stopped wearing them for a while. The orange glow of the candlelight twinkled in his eyes as they intertwined.

Emotion? Belonging? Did Shen Wunian really need such things?

Perhaps he saw the doubt in my face, for he continued, “Money can solve many things, but it is not always omnipotent. He then raised his hand to indicate that he was finished, and the Filipino maid who had been waiting nearby hurriedly took the decanter and went upstairs to fill my empty glass with wine.

I hope you find it soon,’ I said, tilting my glass towards him.

He smiled, raised his glass of mineral water and clinked it lightly with mine.

Every time I finished a drink, it was quickly refilled and before I knew it, I had drunk a little too much. However, wine has a much lower alcohol content than whisky, so a few more glasses wouldn’t make me black out like last time.

It’s just that… coming out of the warmth of the room and into the cold wind made me feel a bit sick.

Are you all right? Shen Wunian supported me, his face full of concern.

It was late at night, everyone was full and content, and they all looked at their watches and got up to leave. Maybe it was because they had drunk too much, or maybe it was because they had been holding it in all day and couldn’t hold it in anymore, I don’t know who started it, but a group of grown men suddenly burst into tears and cried at the entrance.

“Xu Nian, help him walk around the neighbourhood to get rid of the alcohol… Yan, it’s okay, don’t cry, I still have a chance to come back,’ Xu Ao said as he was hugged by a drunken little old man.

Uncle Xu, let’s go first,’ Shen Wunian said.

Shen Wunian said, taking my arm and leading the way out. I glanced at Xu Ao, who was being embraced by everyone, and suddenly broke free of Shen Wunian’s grip and ran towards the crowd.

With open arms, I joined the line of people hugging Xu Ao and shouted, “Teacher, you must come back!

Xu Ao smiled happily and nodded repeatedly: ‘Absolutely, absolutely!

In the end, I was pulled away by Shen Wunian.

Reluctantly, I looked back and saw that a few little old men had been dragged away like me, but there were also a few who were still clinging to Xu Ao.

Do you think the Teacher will come back? I asked Shen Wunian, who was pulling me along, in a low voice.

“Didn’t he come back alive a few times before?

This is different. Back then… he was much younger and still healthy.

To die for an ideal is a perfect end for him.”

Shen Wunian’s words made me think. I used to think that only hunger and cold could determine life and death. It turns out that people can also die for an ideal.

The villa community where Xu Ao lives is incredibly large, surrounded by greenery, with forests and water close by, like a huge forest park.

At night, the lakeshore is lit up with a ring of orange mood lighting, and the occasional strange cry of insects or water birds can be heard in the darkness. Shen Wunian and I have walked all the way here without seeing a soul.

The stars in the suburbs are easier to see than those in the city centre, but there are so few of them. There must be more than these few stars in the star-filled universe, but these stars must be brighter and more dazzling.

Shen Wunian, I want to participate in the Master Tournament in Kana. I looked up at the sky, knowing that the stars were far away, but I couldn’t help reaching out to touch them.

Shen Wunian, who had always led the way, didn’t stop. He simply gave a faint ‘hmm’ in response, as if to say that he knew.

My fingers froze in the air and I frowned. ‘You guessed that too?

Shen Wunian didn’t give a direct answer, but said with a smile in his voice, ‘The Master’s Tournament is held every two years. If you miss it this year, you’ll have to wait another two years, and you’ll also miss the junior category. Xu Ao is a lover of talent, and he’ll definitely persuade you to enter.

A man like him would be rich even if he sold health products.

I curled my fingers, held them loosely in a cylinder shape, closed one eye, watched the stars in the sky for a while, and then looked at the person in front of me.

Shen Wunian…”

Shen Wunian half turned in the small cylinder at the sound of my voice: “Hm?”

He was clearly photogenic, but he didn’t like having his face photographed. I was so absorbed in watching him that I didn’t notice when he stopped walking, but I kept walking. I don’t know if I ran out of energy or tripped over something, but suddenly I stumbled and fell forward.

Everything slowed to a crawl. I could clearly see a trace of surprise on Shen Wunian’s face, and then he quickly reached out and caught me, trying to steady me. However, due to my inertia, I caused him to fall instead.

Fortunately, this little path by the lake was very narrow, with soft grass on both sides. He fell on top of me and I fell on the grass, and no one was hurt.

Unhurt… little Ai? Shen Wunian supported himself as he tried to get up, only to find that I was holding his tie in my hands.

‘I’ve dreamed of this before…’ I looked at the handsome man above me, holding his tie in one hand and running my other hand along his profile.

He looked down at me and said nothing for a while, as if assessing the situation or perhaps sizing me up. It wasn’t until my finger pressed against the corner of his mouth that he spoke: ‘Oh? You’ve been dreaming about me? What was I doing in your dreams?

As he spoke, hot, moist breath poured from his mouth, staining the pad of my finger.

‘Bullying me.’ His thumb pushed in a little more, touching the teeth along the way, and he casually pried them open, pressing against the soft, bright red tongue.

Yes, that was the touch that always forced me to swallow things I didn’t want to eat.

How did you bully me? Shen Wunian smiled, his voice slightly slurred as his canines lightly bit his knuckles and his soft tongue occasionally touched my fingertips.

Following his question, I began to remember more details.

Pulling out my sticky thumb, I inserted my five fingers into the roots of his hair and pressed down on the back of his head, while my other hand increased the strength of the tie.

The two of us grew closer and closer. As I was about to demonstrate the process of ‘bullying’, I hesitated for a moment, feeling that… something was not quite right.

Actually, I wasn’t unaware of what I was doing. Alcohol was amplifying my primitive urges, making me want more and more. Perhaps it clouded some of my reason, but that didn’t mean I became stupid.

I had a vague feeling that I might make some bad choices.

The hand that held the tie tightened and then loosened, perhaps thinking I would continue. Before I could let go completely, Shen Wunian grabbed my hand.

He didn’t say a word, didn’t pull us closer together, just looked down at me and placed the palm of his large hand on the back of my hand.

My reason told me he was tactfully rejecting me, but my primal instinct argued louder, asking how I knew he wasn’t just playing hard to get.

The two sides argued back and forth, leaving my brain in a daze.

Zhong Ai?

After a long time without seeing any movement from me, Shen Wunian gently shook my hand and then, as if trying to get up, his knees inadvertently moved forward and, without paying attention, brushed past the part of my body that had been prone to foolish movements lately.

‘Um…’

I immediately let out a breath, and in an instant, the two voices in my head that had been arguing loudly were replaced by a single deafening voice – it was over.

The little monster reached its peak of excitement with incredible speed. Like an evil preacher, it spread the belief called ‘desire’ along the river of blood to every corner of my body.

When it reached my brain, it clashed with reason in a fierce battle. Seeing that they could not win, they could only resort to a move that would destroy everyone, turning the brain into a mush so that it could no longer think about complex problems.

At this point, the enemy commander was killed, the old teachings were gone, the new religion was established, and I became a believer in desire.

The paused movement immediately resumed its established trajectory and even went into fast-forward mode. As I pressed down on Shen Wunian’s head, I looked up eagerly and stuck out my tongue, wanting to touch the other person sooner.

I vaguely heard a faint laugh in my ear, but I no longer had the energy to ponder its deeper meaning.