TCOR CH5

Chapter 5: Is it that hard?

What kind of person is this…

I stared at him, not knowing whether to cry or scold him first.

Don’t cry, you’ll get dehydrated if you cry so much,’ Shen Wunian twisted his fingers and crushed the tear between them.

“…what a waste.

What has that got to do with whether waves are wasted or not? He spoke the last words rather vaguely, and I wasn’t sure if I had understood him correctly. But he had distracted me from crying, and I wiped away the tears with my sleeve and asked the question that was at the forefront of my mind.

How much is this… this photograph worth? I broke it and I’ll pay for it, it’s just…’ I had been crying for a long time and my nose was stuffy, so I spoke with a strong nasal twang, ‘Can I pay it back in instalments?

Shen Wunian seemed amused by my words: ‘You’ll pay it back?

I lowered my eyes: ‘Yes, I’ll pay it back.

A breeze blew across my forehead and in the blink of an eye Shen Wunian knelt down in front of me and took my left hand.

Two million,’ he said flatly, and then blurted out the price.

My eyes instantly widened and my mind felt like it was buzzing. I was stunned by the price.

Two million?

A part-time job at 40 an hour can buy me 50,000 hours…

2 million… I repeated this astronomical figure like a sleepwalker. It felt as if all the blood in my body had been drained in an instant, and my body temperature dropped rapidly. My palms were soon covered in cold sweat.

Do you still want it? Shen Wunian carefully examined my wrist bones, running his hands from palm to fingertips.

I was lost in my own thoughts, my mind filled with ‘2 million, 2 million, 2 million’. For a moment I obediently opened my palm and let him examine it.

2 million is indeed a lot and I do not have the money, but that is no reason for me to shirk my responsibilities. Poverty is my condition, I will not be ashamed of it, nor will I use it as a weapon.

I curled my fingers and dug my nails into the palm of my hand, ‘I will pay it back. Whether it takes ten or twenty years, I will pay it back.

When my parents were alive, they ran a small business and owned a breakfast shop. Every month they paid the owner of the grocery store that supplied them on time and in full. Even the grocer said that my family were the easiest to pay and that he never had to worry.

My father used to say that no one has an easy life in this world and that we should always think of others.

On the day they died, a typhoon was approaching and they were afraid that the sign would not be strong enough and would blow away, injuring passers-by. So they braved the rain and went out in their electric cart in the evening to check. But the typhoon never came, and halfway there they were involved in a traffic accident, run over by the wheels of a lorry as it turned a corner. My father died instantly and my mother was in intensive care for about ten days, but she didn’t survive because of organ failure.

At her funeral, the owner of the grocery store, with red eyes, put a five hundred yuan note wrapped in white paper in my hands and specifically told me to study hard, be successful and be an upright person like my parents.

Whether I’ll be successful or not is another matter, but I can’t dishonour my parents’ reputation and become a person without responsibility.

Hey, I was just kidding,’ Shen Wunian sighed, breaking my grip. He inserted his fingers into my palm and spread them. Xu Ao’s first exhibition was curated by my adoptive father. He was already an internationally renowned curator by then, and I was something of a discovery to him. As the child of a benefactor, I called him personally to apologise, and he would buy that no matter what.

He has already said that he will print another photo and send it to you.

I was at a loss for words at this sudden turn of events and looked at him in disbelief: “No need to apologise?”

‘No need to apologise, but…’ He lengthened his tone, suddenly clenching his fingers and pulling me towards him. “You have to remember that you owe me a favour.”

The distance suddenly closed and I reflexively put my other hand on his shoulder.

In the dim light of the incandescent bulb, even though the temperature was not low, all the colours were rendered with a cold blue hue.

This gave me a sense of disorientation – the vision was cold, but the feeling was hot; the undertone was icy, but it felt hot to the touch. I had never known that a person’s body temperature could be so high, and I could feel the vigorous blood circulation under the clothes.

I know, I know. Let go of my hand, it’s fine, you don’t need to check it again. The position was indeed a little ambiguous. I leaned back and tried to free my left hand, my tongue getting all tangled up.

This person seemed so mature and stable at first glance, so refined that he could work at a university, but after getting to know him, I discovered that he had many vices and was a bit… without a sense of boundaries.

Oh,” Shen Wunian said, releasing his five fingers and getting up from the floor at the same time.

He brushed the dust off his trousers and asked if I was still going to cry. If so, I should continue for a while, but if not, we should go outside.

Of course I didn’t want to cry anymore. I got up from the cabinet and was about to leave with him when I heard Bai Qixuan’s voice from outside.

Zhong Ai? Zhong Ai, are you here? The voice came from far away, slowly approaching the utility room.

Hearing his voice, I took a few steps forward, almost to the door, before remembering that there was someone else in the room.

I looked back at Shen Wunian. There was really nothing special about it, just a moment of confusion, an unconscious search for someone’s opinion. But Shen Wunian seemed to misunderstand my meaning, pointed to the shelf of things next to him and ducked behind it.

Although I felt a little strange, Bai Qixuan had already reached the door by then, and I didn’t have time to say anything else.

Zhong Ai? Bai Qixuan knocked on the door from outside.

I hurriedly called out, “Bai Ge, I’m here.”

Bai Qixuan gently turned the handle and pushed the door open. When he saw me behind the door, his tightly set features relaxed and a small smile of relief appeared in his eyes.

You’re still the same. When you’re angry and feel bad, you like to hide in these narrow, dark places.

In the past, I used old furniture and branches to build a ‘hideout’ deep in the greenery of the community. I kept it as my own little secret and shared it with Bai Qixuan.

We celebrated my fifteenth birthday there and shared a piece of cake. It was the first time anyone remembered my birthday after my parents died. Unfortunately, the good times didn’t last long. It wasn’t long before the ‘sanctuary’ was discovered, and when I went back there, all that was left was some rubble.

Remembering the past, I felt lost: ‘Brother Bai, I’m sorry…’

It was only five years ago, but why did it seem like such a long time ago?

A cold drop fell from the corner of my eye, and Bai Qixuan’s thumb wiped it away with a sigh: ‘Have you been crying?

In the past, touches that made my heart race caused inexplicable panic today – the thought of eyes watching behind me made it hard to relax.

“Mm,

“Let’s get out of here first. Bai Qixuan held my right wrist through my clothes and led me away from the utility room.

‘Did you hurt your left hand?’ he asked, looking at my left hand.

It’s fine, I just sprained it,’ I smiled at him and took one last look at the dimly lit utility room behind me before I left.

A golden light fell through the narrow skylight in the wall and landed directly on the shelves. Shen Wunian leaned against the wall, feeling my gaze, and looked over his shoulder.

We locked eyes for a brief moment, separated by the dust and clutter of the room, before looking away again.

That day, in an attempt to show his remorse, Bai Qixuan drove me back to school himself. I don’t know if that was progress, but compared to the last few months, it seemed like we had returned to a time when we were still close.

I thought I had turned a corner and would be happy from now on, but the next day I got sick.

I don’t know if it was the air in the utility room, but when I woke up the next day I felt a little itchy in my throat. In the afternoon, I felt even more unwell and had a fever.

Bai Qixuan was supervising the site and saw that something was wrong with me, so he asked me if I was feeling unwell.

I shook my head, afraid he would worry.

If you’re not feeling well, go home and rest first,” he said, pausing. “Does someone in your dormitory take care of you? If not, you can go to my place, but I’ll have to tell my flatmate first.”

I heard this and quickly waved my hand, not wanting to bother him: “No, no, I’ll just go back to the dorm. My roommate can look after me.”

He believed me completely and didn’t suspect a thing.

That’s good.

I said I was going back to school, but in fact I just avoided him and went to the lounge to lie down.

As the temporary workers’ lounge is separate from their office, and not even in the same direction, I wasn’t worried that Bai Qixuan would find out I hadn’t left.

People came in from time to time, but I was wrapped up in my clothes and sleeping in the corner, so no one noticed.

I just drifted off until the evening and didn’t even get up when the lights in the toilets were turned off.

My body was getting more and more painful and I was getting hotter and hotter. Every time I swallowed, it felt like my throat was being cut with a knife.

I curled up into a ball, unconsciously screaming for cold and thirst, but there was no response.

Tap!

I felt a glimmer of light on my eyelids and opened them. In the blur I just had time to see a tall dark shadow come to my side, blocking the light, and I quickly fell asleep again.

During this time I became aware of several things. I felt someone touching my face, giving me water or taking off my sweat-soaked clothes… My body was covered with a feathery blanket and I saw an unfamiliar blanket that I had never seen before.

Open your mouth.

Mixed with a hint of bitterness that quickly melted away, something was pushed into my mouth and forced my teeth open.

I turned my face away to avoid this violent force and opened my mouth to vomit.

This action seemed to anger the other party and the next thing I knew my mouth and nose were being forcefully covered and I was rapidly losing air.

I desperately grabbed the big hand, not knowing if it was tears or saliva that had dripped all over the other party.

Don’t… When I finally found a crack, I struggled to open my eyes, but all I could see was a hazy light.

My tongue was numb and bitter. Even though most of the slimy substance had melted in my mouth, I stuck out my tongue and tried to spit out as much of the bitter saliva as I could.

‘It’s hard…’ I choked, feeling uncomfortable in my body, mouth and heart.

I heard a slight, impatient snort in my ear.

‘Is this what you mean by hard?

My neck was lifted and that voice spoke two more words in an indifferent tone.

‘Petty.’

My mouth was forced open again, but this time the force was much gentler and more slippery, carrying a sweet and cool nectar that washed away the bitterness on my tongue and soothed my sore throat and pharynx.

Gradually, however, the relationship between supply and demand reversed and I went from being the one who craved it to the one who was being sucked in. My nose wasn’t blocked this time, but I still felt a strong sense of suffocation. I grabbed randomly, trying to push the other person away.

The next thing I knew, my hands were tied together and held tightly in front of my chest.

‘Ugh…’

I tried to resist, but I couldn’t. There was no way around it, my hands were tied and I couldn’t move, so I had to exert myself elsewhere. I gritted my teeth and bit down on whatever was in my mouth, and in an instant the mouth filled with the smell of rust. The thing was motionless, as if dead.

Great, I’m saved…

The crisis was over and I relaxed. I pushed the object in my mouth out a little, but before I could do it twice, my cheeks were suddenly tightly clamped.

Before I could make any further movements, the object in my mouth took the opportunity to escape after feigning death.