TCOR CH9

Chapter 9: Don’t let morality be your hostage

If there were a 3D topographical map, viewed from the side, the five exhibition halls of ‘See Through the World’ would form a chunky, short ‘W’ shape.

Halls 2 and 4 are sunken, with a black steel staircase on each side. As well as connecting the halls, the staircases lead to a viewing platform at the top, about three to four square metres in size. It’s not very big, but you can stand on it and see the whole exhibition hall.

At the time, I was standing on one of the stands in Hall 4, admiring the huge black and white photograph of the bronze statue of the Angel of Peace not far away.

This angel statue originally stood in the city’s busiest and most prosperous central square. Tourists and locals passed it every day. He held up his golden wings, embraced the doves of peace and was born to be with flowers and sunshine.

Until he was hit by a cannonball.

It severed his head and pierced his wings, killing his people. The golden wings became stained, and in the black and white picture it looked like the angel’s blood was oozing out.

This work is hung rather high, and if you look at it from below, you can only look up and can’t see the details very well. Only by standing on this viewing platform can you get a better and more intuitive view of it.

When I was in the photography club, there was an old-mentor-new-member system, and senior member Peng Dai was responsible for mentoring me. She told me that every photo should have a theme and something to express. A good photographer can make even the most unintelligent viewer see the energy he wants to convey at a glance.

Xu Ao is undoubtedly a very good photographer. His lens never overdramatises the bloody and gruesome content. At first glance, one often doesn’t feel that these black and white photos are anything special. But when you look at the exhibition labels and know the stories behind them, you will be shocked by the rich emotions that are so intense that they will shake your soul.

Today is the last day of installation. All the work has been done and the workers have left one by one. An hour ago, after checking that the exhibits were in order, that no labels were missing and that the lighting circuits were working properly, my work for the day was done. But Xu Ao’s work seemed to have some kind of magic that made me look more and more slowly, more and more carefully, and the more I looked, the more fascinated I became.

I leaned back on the armrest, resting my chin in my hands, and was about to sigh at the battered angel when I suddenly heard a strange mechanical sound and a cry of alarm behind me.

“…Ah.”

I quickly turned my head to see that it was Shen Wunian and an elderly man in an electric wheelchair.

The man was warmly dressed, in his forties, wearing a painter’s hat, with a red nose from the cold and a beard, as if he had just come in from the outside.

Oh, the front is an angel too,” the uncle said with a smile as he looked at Shen Wunian, “this painting is in a good position, just now I really had the illusion that this young boy had blended into the painting and the angel had stepped out of it.

I sat up and recognised him, it was Xu Ao.

Seven years ago, on his last deep incursion into a war zone, he stepped on a landmine while searching for supplies for the local people, and both his legs were amputated.

He spent a long time recovering and now only moves around the country. He is never allowed to go to those dangerous places again in his life.

This is one of the reasons why his work is so expensive. The world understands that his war photography is probably already a one-off.

You are too kind. Your work is well photographed,’ Shen Wunian looked at me and smiled ambiguously. ‘Uncle Xu, this is Zhong Ai.

‘Oh?’ Xu Ao looked surprised.

I twitched nervously.

Why was it a complaint?

But… whether it was a problem with the quality of the frame or not, I had destroyed someone’s work. Even though it was resolved smoothly in the end and I didn’t have to pay for it, the person had done it out of courtesy to Shen Wunian. It was only fair that I apologise to him in person.

‘Hello, Mr Xu, yes…’ I bowed firmly to Xu Ao, but before I could say the first word, ‘I’m sorry for damaging your work last time’, I was interrupted.

“You’re the photographer of the rebirth picture?”

Huh? Rebirth?

I looked up in surprise, ‘Did you buy that magazine too?

Xu Ao fell into an eerie silence, his eyebrows furrowed slightly and his lips pursed. I had seen this expression on the face of my professional photography teacher before, and it usually signalled that I was about to give the wrong answer.

From the side came the sound of Shen Wunian’s suppressed but still uncontrollable laughter.

I bent down and looked at him helplessly for help.

What’s so funny?

He looked at me, unable to hold back any longer, and turned his face to the side, pressing his fist to his lips to hide the fact that he was actually laughing with a series of fake coughs.

I don’t know if I was infected by him, but there was a smile in Xu Ao’s eyes as well. In the end, he shook his head and revealed the answer: ‘You probably haven’t noticed, but I’m one of the judges.

Oh, so it wasn’t the wrong answer, it was that even the class teacher had made a mistake.

If I were a person with a silver tongue, I would have found a suitable excuse to end this suffocating embarrassment by now.

Unfortunately, I’m not.

I’m sorry, teacher. I closed my eyes, giving up the fight.

It’s OK, get up. It’s no big deal if you didn’t recognise me, there’s no need to be like this.’ Xu Ao’s electric wheelchair passed me and headed for the lift not far away.

Although I am not an eloquent speaker, I am a very perceptive person. I quickly stood in front of Xu Ao and pressed the lift button for him.

The lift rose from the bottom and the doors opened in a few seconds.

Please, Teacher,’ I held the lift door open for him, letting him get in first, and then I followed, quickly pressing the button to close the door.

Shen Wunian walked up to the lift and found it closing. He couldn’t make it in time, so he had to take half a step back.

I pressed the wrong button. You’ll have to walk,’ I told him.

Of course he knew I hadn’t pressed the wrong button, but he didn’t seem to want to pursue the matter. As the two doors began to close, he looked me in the eye and silently said two words.

As I descended, I kept trying to make out the pronunciation of those two words.

Sliding door? Bad door? Bad anchor…

Bad… cat? I couldn’t help it, I let out a sound to myself, quickly covering my mouth when I realised what I had done, but it also attracted the attention of the other person in the lift.

‘I mean, it was fast. As he spoke, the lift arrived and the doors opened promptly.

As usual, I held the door open for the Xuao and let him go first.

‘Have you got any new work lately?’ The other man asked as we stepped out of the car.

I froze for a moment and unconsciously tightened my grip on the lift door. ‘I… haven’t.’

‘Why not?’

I let go of the door and followed the wheelchair out of the lift.

‘I was too busy with school.

If I really told him that the reason I hadn’t been able to keep up was simply because all my free time had been put on sale, I was sure he wouldn’t laugh at me, but I would be embarrassed, and it might even be… even more embarrassing than not confessing my feelings and then having to face Bai Qixuan again.

That is a valid reason. The wheelchair slowly moved forward and Xu Ao’s voice continued, “You have a good start and a good talent, so you should cherish it.”

Again, talent.

I sighed inwardly, feeling quite reluctant to accept it.

Hm.”

Shen Wunian walked down the stairs from the upper floor, a little slower than the rest of us. He acted as if nothing had happened and didn’t say a word about the two figures in front of the lift.

Would you like to join us? It’s a good opportunity for you to get a lecture from the teacher,’ he asked me, before asking Xu Ao, ‘Uncle Xu, do you mind?

It’s hard for ordinary people to say no with this kind of language.

It’s fine,’ Xu Ao waved his hand, no exception, ‘this boy is quite interesting, I like him.

I followed them to see the rest of the exhibition hall.

Xu Ao spoke mostly to Shen Wunian, praising his use of light, his sequencing of works and his sensible layout of circulation. It was clear that Xu Ao was very pleased with the exhibition.

Most of the time, except when he wasn’t, Xu Ao would point to a particular work and tell me about the environment he was in at the time, the intention behind his framing, and the things he wanted to explore and express.

He was like a real teacher, trying to teach me as much as he could in the short time we had between the two exhibition halls.

After leaving the last exhibition hall, Shen Wunian and I escorted Xu Ao to the front door. After watching him get into a taxi and leave, I was about to turn back when Shen Wunian stopped me.

Are you going back to school? I’ll give you a lift.

‘I’m not going back to school, I…’ It was already dark, and I had to go to work at Jin Huihuang in an hour. “I have to go to work.”

He didn’t hesitate for a second: “Then I’ll drive you to work.”

I hesitated. There were a lot of restaurants and hot pot stalls on Jin Huihuang Street. If I asked him to drop me off nearby, he probably wouldn’t know where I worked…

Wait, no… I’m just an ordinary cleaner there, why should I be afraid of him finding out?

I thought long and hard, then quickly changed my mind: Sure, I’ll get my coat.

Forget Xu Ao, Shen Wunian is a friend of Bai Qixuan’s, how could he not know my background? There’s no point in hiding it from him.

It was still a long way from the art museum to where Shen Wunian had parked, and even though it was the New Year, the weather in Jiangsu was still very cold.

I pulled up the hood of my down jacket and followed Shen Wunian, shivering. Seeing how lightly he was dressed, I couldn’t help but wonder.

How could someone have so much vital energy? He was only wearing a black shirt under his coat today, and he wasn’t even wearing a scarf.

“Meow~’

I stopped and looked in the direction of the cat’s meow. In the green belt of the car park I saw a dirty white cat lying on the cold ground. Not only was its fur dirty, but its eyes were full of discharge, so it was obvious that it was sick.

I took two steps towards it and it suddenly stood up and ran away from me. I chased after it for a few more steps, but it remained alert.

Do you want to catch it? Shen Wunian stopped in front of me as well.

‘No.’ I took one last look at the cat, then turned away and walked towards Shen Wunian. “I can’t save it, and I don’t have the ability to save it.”

There are so many poor creatures in the world, and where would I find the energy to care for each one of them?

Once in the car, with the tightly sealed door blocking out all noise and distractions, I fastened my seatbelt and heard Shen Wunian’s sudden question next to me.

If you had the ability, would you save them?

Do I have the ability?

If my parents were still alive, well dressed, well fed and living a life of prosperity, would I save them?

I thought about it for a moment, shook my head and said, “No…

Before I could explain, Shen Wunian asked again, ‘Even if it was very sick and begging you to save it, you still wouldn’t save it? You have the ability and the means, but you still choose to watch it die?

He was unrelenting and very aggressive.

I frowned and said, ‘Don’t try to morally blackmail me.

Shen Wunian blinked, as if surprised by my words. He pressed the start button and stepped on the accelerator. The car glided out of the parking space like a swimming fish.

I thought the subject was over, but as soon as we were on the road, I heard the man next to me coldly utter two words:

“Cold-blooded”.

I looked over at him, but he was staring straight ahead, not at me. His profile was blank, and it really looked like he was angry.

He didn’t speak to me the rest of the way, which was really strange. When we got out of the car he didn’t even say thank you and he left in such a hurry that I almost didn’t close the door.

It was the first time he had ever acted like that in front of me and it took me by surprise.

I didn’t know what I had done to upset him and I was a bit depressed. The waitresses saw what had happened and came over to pinch my cheeks and tease me.

What’s the matter? Have you lost someone you love, little baby?

What kind of cold-hearted person do you like that makes you cry all the time? Why don’t you like me, I spoil you and give you money to spend?

“Oh, you can’t say he’s crying, he’ll really cry later.

Oh dear, let me see, it looks like his eyes are really red. Ai, what skin care products do you use? How come your skin is so white and beautiful…’

Seeing that they were getting more and more outrageous, I grabbed the disposable lunch box on the table and rushed out of the encirclement.

Don’t bring up the past, I cried that once!

I didn’t confess my love to Bai Qixuan, and I didn’t cry in front of him or when I returned to school. I held back until I tidied up my dormitory in the evening, when I burst into tears. I was too scared to cry out, so I just let the tears fall in silence. But a lady who was passing by noticed me and put her arms around me to comfort me. The next day the whole school knew.

Everyone knew that I’d had a first love that I couldn’t have.

I opened the lid of a disposable lunch box and put it on the floor. In an instant, stray cats from all directions, attracted by the scent, emerged from the shadows and ran towards me.

A chubby calico rubbed at my feet, purring but refusing to eat.

I crouched down, stroked its head and nudged it towards the lunch box.

“Eat, or someone else will take it all. It’s not exactly good food, just leftovers from the guests, but for these feral cats it’s a rare delicacy.

Of course, if I have the means, I will rescue these cats first. Things have to be done in a certain order. Even if I have the means, I cannot save all the cats in the world. Besides…

I held my chin as I watched the cats devour their food in front of me. In the past I would always feel a moment of inner healing, but today my mood had sunk to its lowest point, becoming sour and bitter.

Besides… it’s all wishful thinking. The reality is that I cannot save any of them.