TM | Chapter 18

I thought I saw a glimmer in Lee Seol’s eyes, but since I had already untied my robe, tying it back up would have been even stranger.

So, I just took it off. I folded my pants neatly and placed them on the cabinet, then did the same with Lee Seol’s pants, which he had carelessly tossed aside.

After briefly glancing at the clothes stacked neatly together, I turned toward the bed, only to find Lee Seol lying down with one arm lifting the blanket high, silently pressuring me to get in quickly.

A sigh escaped me on reflex.

I slowly crawled under the covers on my knees, and the moment I settled in, the blanket fell over me. Lying side by side and staring at the ceiling felt unbearably awkward. My shoulders kept stiffening.

Sharing a blanket with him as friends had always been one thing, but lying under the same covers as two men bound by engagement was an entirely different experience. Even the sound of his breathing beside me made me hyper-aware of our situation, making it hard to breathe.

The suffocating silence made me want to jump out of bed and run.

“Sung-ah, this feels awkward, doesn’t it?”

”…Yeah.”

“Me too. Just yesterday, being in the same room felt completely normal. But now, I’m tense… I’m afraid that if I even brush against you by mistake, you’ll hate it and run away.”

”…”

Guilt pricked my conscience, and I took a slow breath in.

“That’s why I can’t even hold your hand.”

I could feel him shifting his hand beneath the blanket. There was about a hand’s width of space between us, and his fingers hesitated in that empty space, clenching and unclenching into a fist as if he wanted to reach out but didn’t dare.

“When we were kids, I stuck close to you, and you screamed at me to go away.”

”…”

“That scared me…”

Right… that had happened.

Lee Seol had clung to me, practically burying his nose into the nape of my neck. I’d found it so weird that I had shouted at him to get off.

“And then you slapped me.”

”…I’m sorry.”

“I got a bloody nose, you know.”

”…I’m really sorry.”

Lee Seol’s voice carried absolutely no remorse. The silence that followed felt strangely heavy, and as I recalled that moment, I started to get a little annoyed.

I turned my head and shot him a glare just as he rolled over to face me. He hesitated, opening and closing his mouth before, after a brief struggle, his cheeks flushed slightly, and he murmured:

“Back then, it was because you smelled so good… I was so caught off guard by how much you hated it that I panicked. I’m really sorry.”

“Smell?”

“Yeah. Even now, you have this soft scent.”

I lifted my arm and sniffed my undershirt. Considering all the sweating I had done climbing up and down the mountains today, there was no way I smelled good.

“I don’t smell like anything.”

“That’s because it’s your scent, so you can’t notice it. But don’t I have a scent to you?”

”…You.”

Lee Seol looked at me with eyes filled with curiosity.

“What kind?”

“Uh… it’s kind of cool? Not exactly like grass… but also a bit like a faint flower fragrance? It’s hard to describe.”

I turned my head, trying to find the right words, but before I knew it, he was leaning in.

For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, so I instinctively pulled my head back. Instead, he quietly brought his nose to my shoulder, inhaling deeply as if savoring my scent. His breath moved slowly down toward the nape of my neck.

“Sung-ah, you smell sweet.”

”…”

His hushed voice sent a warm breath against my skin, tickling it. I wanted to scratch at the sensation but held back, afraid it would look strange.

“I could just smooch and suck on you. If I bit down, I feel like the scent would spread through my mouth.”

”…Am I food to you?”

“If you were, I’d chew you up from head to toe and devour you completely. You’d taste so good I might end up crying while eating you.”

Was this his way of expressing that he liked my scent enough to nibble on me?

Whenever Lee Seol joked around, it always carried a slightly eerie undertone. It wasn’t likely to happen, but for some reason, I suddenly felt like he really might sink his teeth into my neck. Hesitating, I spoke seriously.

”…Even if I smell good, don’t eat me.”

“Okay.”

He answered lightly, almost cleanly, then rested his head on my shoulder.

I considered telling him to stop, but brushing off a fiancé who was just enjoying my scent didn’t feel right. He wouldn’t get slapped like before, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings either.

To say I disliked it.

To reject him.

To deny him.

I knew that just the fact that my thoughts were different from my lover’s could be painful. So, as long as I didn’t truly hate it, I decided I would just go along with him.

I really intended to stay still, but…

“Seol-ah, you’re heavy… Your head is seriously heavy.”

“Just bear with it a little.”

“I know people’s heads are heavy, but I didn’t know they were this heavy.”

My shoulder started going numb—I really couldn’t keep letting him rest his head there. As I squirmed and tried to push his head off with my shoulder, I heard a soft chuckle.

Lifting his head away, he adjusted his position and placed my head on his arm instead.

But his movements were awkward, and the way his arm positioned itself right against the back of my head was just uncomfortable. I had to tense my neck to keep from sinking into it.

“Seol-ah.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s obvious you’re trying hard to give me a pillow arm.”

”…Can’t you just pretend you don’t notice and stay still?”

I glanced at him and saw his face flush slightly from embarrassment.

I stared at him blankly for a moment before adjusting my position so I could be more comfortable.

The moment I did, his eyes sparkled, and he naturally followed my movements.

“Sung-ah, I’m touched.”

Hearing his blatantly exaggerated flattery, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Touched, my ass… I just did it so you wouldn’t whine and cry about it.”

“Do I cry?”

“You did before. You cried because I was avoiding you. You even cried so hard you collapsed, and Rok-i had to call the adults and carry you back. Don’t you remember?”

“Ah…”

Realization dawned on his face, and he let out a small, amused breath.

“Why did you even cry back then? Because I said I didn’t like you?”

Lee Seol gazed at me steadily before opening his mouth.

“Because I couldn’t hide my feelings for you anymore.”

I was left speechless at his response.

I had always assumed he cried because he lost his temper or because he felt betrayed by the only person he could open up to.

But… was it really that upsetting for him? Was it so painful that he cried until he lost consciousness?

”…Was falling for me really that much of a shock? Enough to shove a dagger at my ankle?”

“Would I ever actually hurt you? I just wanted to scare you so you wouldn’t run away.”

My lips twitched.

I definitely felt like he was the kind of person who would do it.

But it was in the past. Even if I pressed him on it now, he’d just deny it, and I’d be the only fool making a fuss about something old.

Frustrated, my lips twisted in irritation, but before I could say anything, his voice dropped into a whisper.

“To love someone and still have to deceive the king… It was miserable and painful. It made me wonder if there was any meaning in living that kind of life.”

His words sent a cold chill through my chest.

The weight of his voice made it feel like I couldn’t breathe.

To hold Kang Taegwon in my heart, to deceive Lee Seol, and to continue living like that… His words mirrored my own situation so perfectly that my heart ached.

“I thought my feelings for you would fade, but they only deepened. It became too much. And then… thinking that you hated me, I didn’t know what to do anymore.”

His sorrowful confession clenched at my heart, tightening like a vice.

I had sworn to let go of my feelings for Kang Taegwon.

That night, when I cried until dawn, I thought I had poured out all my emotions for him. But the moment I saw him again today, my heart trembled, aching in a way I hadn’t expected.

So, I tried even harder to act as if nothing was wrong.

A creeping fear took hold of me—what if, like Lee Seol, who couldn’t let go of his feelings even after crying until he collapsed, I couldn’t let go either?

Someday, I would be able to let go of Kang Taegwon.

I could only hope that day would come soon.

“Now, I can finally love you all I want.”

Lee Seol whispered warmly as he pulled me into his embrace.

Being held by him, I bit down on my lip.

He was radiating pure happiness, just from having me in his arms, and that made me feel guilty. Even in this moment, I couldn’t stop the image of Kang Taegwon’s strong arms and broad, heated chest from surfacing in my mind.

Memories of sleeping in his embrace resurfaced, leaving me feeling hollow and rotting from the inside. My eyes burned with unshed tears, and afraid it would show, I buried my face against Lee Seol’s chest.

That seemed to please him.

His heartbeat pounded wildly against my cheek, echoing like a drum against his firm chest.

Just like I had once done in Kang Taegwon’s arms…

Lee Seol was holding me tightly, basking in happiness.

That realization weighed on me. I felt too guilty to pull away, so I remained in his arms, clutching my aching heart.

Lee Seol continued to stroke my hair and back, as if comforting me. His touch was awkward at first, unfamiliar, but as he repeated the motions, his hands gradually softened, finding a natural rhythm.

I felt myself slowly relax in response.

The exhaustion from climbing up and down the mountains all day settled into my bones, and his warm touch lulled me further. My eyelids fluttered with drowsiness, and before I knew it, I was drifting into a deep sleep.

Lee Seol, noticing the steady rhythm of my breathing, carefully adjusted his position.

He gazed down at my sleeping face.

Having spent years together since childhood, he knew all my little habits. He also knew that once I fell asleep, I didn’t wake easily.

His fingers brushed over my face, smoothing down my hair.

Pressing a fingertip against the soft flesh of my cheek, he watched closely, checking if I would stir.

I didn’t.

His eyes traced the shape of my slightly parted lips, lingering on the long, delicate sweep of my eyelashes. Then, slowly, he lowered his head.

His lips pressed against my cheek.

The corners of his mouth trembled slightly before curling into a faint smile.

His fingers, which had lightly touched the spot where his lips had been, trailed down.

Slowly, they moved to my neck.

His large, strong fingers, long enough to easily encircle the back of my head, reached for the collar of my inner robe.

Gently, he tugged it aside.