TM | Chapter 9

The male body—something I had always seen—was at least familiar enough to look at.

“So this is how it’s done…”

Since a man’s and a woman’s bodies were different, the idea of sharing affection hadn’t quite clicked for me before. But now that I was looking at these explicit illustrations, curiosity sparked within me.

I examined them carefully, but they didn’t seem all that different from the ones depicting men with women.

“The only difference is the body. It’s the same otherwise.”

“Yeah, there’s not much difference between a man and a woman or two men. As long as there’s love between them, sharing affection is always possible.”

Without realizing it, I nodded.

Lee Seol pulled out another chunhwajip and leaned in as he flipped it open.

“Look at this. You can do it like this too.”

“Ugh…”

The moment I saw the bizarrely drawn scene, an instinctive repulsion surged within me. I pushed the book away with my hand.

“You don’t like this?”

“No.”

”…I might have to live like this, though.”

Lee Seol sighed as he spoke, and my eyes widened.

“I’m being offered as a concubine. I don’t have the right to refuse the king.”

His hollow voice made my heart drop.

The reality of palace life meant that he would have to suppress his emotions and wear a smiling mask no matter what happened. Even when he wanted to cry, he might have to force himself to smile. Even if the intimacy disgusted him, he would have to endure it to gain the king’s favor.

Lee Seol, looking as if he would vanish at any moment, stared blankly into the air before retrieving another chunhwajip.

“I don’t know for sure, but I think the two in this book actually like each other.”

The men depicted in this new book weren’t just drawn with explicit details of their bodies. The focus was different—they were gently touching each other, embracing tightly, their expressions filled with warmth.

There was a particular image where one man narrowed his eyes as he leaned in for a kiss. Without thinking, my gaze drifted to Lee Seol’s lips.

Red like ripened cherries, plump and glossy, they looked firm yet soft—almost… delicious.

A soft breeze seemed to stir within my chest at the sight.

My heartbeat echoed in my ears, a restless tremor spreading through my fingertips.

In this small, enclosed space, the only sounds were our breaths.

The faint flush on Lee Seol’s cheeks, heightened by the warmth of the moment, looked even more beautiful than the blossoms of a peach tree.

As if drawn by something unseen, I slowly leaned in toward his lips.

“If your tongue goes in, I might throw up.”

His voice pulled me back, and I immediately straightened my posture. I clamped my mouth shut and instinctively curled my tongue back into my throat.

“How could I ever kiss a man I’ve never met before? It’s disgusting… Don’t you think so?”

”…Yeah…”

His words pierced my chest, making my shoulders shrink.

I was embarrassed—ashamed, even—that I had almost kissed him. I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head.

Lee Seol’s eyes gleamed as he stared intently at me, unblinking.

“This is something you do with someone you love.”

His voice dropped to a whisper, lower than usual.

His gaze was so intense that my face burned under the weight of it.

The soft murmur from his lips lingered in the air, reverberating just beside my cheek.

“Got it?”

“Yeah.”

I answered quickly, feeling the emphasis in his words.

His unwavering gaze made me feel awkward. I flipped through the chunhwajip absentmindedly, trying to distract myself.

Each turn of the page revealed more explicit, sensual illustrations, and an unfamiliar heat simmered deep inside me.

I could feel my face burning.

Lee Seol, who had been standing beside me, moved even closer.

His long, yet firm fingers pointed to a specific scene in the book.

“They say unwanted intimacy is unpleasant.”

“Huh?”

“Think about it. If you’re forced into it, how could it possibly feel good?”

”…Yeah…”

“Unless, of course, the other person is as beautiful as me.”

”…Yeah…”

Caught off guard by my own answer, Lee Seol let out a silent laugh. His face slowly moved closer, settling near my cheek. His breath, hot and whisper-like, scattered at the edge of my ear, barely touching.

‘They say it’s different when it’s with someone you love. That you’re overwhelmed by ecstasy, experiencing paradise.’

The erotic painting right in front of me didn’t even register. The ticklish sensation of his breath lingering near my ear sent tingles down my neck, seeping all the way into my chest.

When I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lee Seol—his cheeks flushed, his eyes gently curved into a smile.

The moment our eyes met, I instinctively turned away. Scratching my tingling ear with my fingers and rubbing my neck, I averted my gaze to the air.

Even so, my attention was entirely on Lee Seol. He shook with silent laughter, his shoulders trembling, then reached out and tousled my hair.

After flipping to the next page for me, he seemed deep in thought before tapping the illustration with his finger, as if telling me to focus.

Wondering what he meant, I looked at the scene he had opened up. It was a picture of two men kissing each other.

‘What are they doing?’

‘……Kissing.’

‘Look closely.’

I did as he said, but it was still just a kiss. I had no idea what he was trying to point out, so I tilted my head in confusion.

Lee Seol then tapped directly on the lips that were pressed together. Looking closer, I realized their tongues were inside each other’s mouths.

‘Lovers who are in love kiss like this and suck on each other’s tongues.’

‘Huh?’

I unknowingly let out a dumbfounded noise as I stared at the illustration,

‘Other men’s lips are for biting!’

As soon as he finished speaking, he clenched his teeth so hard that I could hear them grinding. A chill ran down my spine.

The eerie feeling made my hairs stand on end, and I instinctively pulled my legs together. Just the thought of such a terrifying situation made my knees weak.

‘Well… unless they have lips as pretty as mine, that is. Right?’

‘……Didn’t you say it’s unpleasant if there’s no affection?’

At my remark, he let out a sigh of discontent and pulled out even more erotic books.

The moment I saw the illustrations of acts that seemed both bizarre and rough, nausea rose in my throat. The thought of Lee Seol having to do such things in the future filled me with so much fear and pity for him that I ended up hiccupping and crying.

Lee Seol probably thought the images in the book would leave an unpleasant impression on me, making me see it as a bad experience.

He wanted to show me that the acts shared between two affectionate men, as depicted in the book, were actually better than I might think. He wanted to tell me that I didn’t have to be so repulsed.

But when I thought about the person he’d experience it with—Kang Taegwon—I bit my lip and shut my mouth tight.

Even so, I felt like I had to say something positive, so I forced myself to speak.

“That… maybe your betrothed will be a good person.”

That was the best I could come up with after racking my brain.

“They’ll be wonderful.”

“…Yeah. I understand.”

Lee Seol nodded with a faint smile. Yoon Sung nodded along with him, but something felt off, so he looked at him again.

Did he understand that the person might be good? Then why did his expression look so defeated?

His reddened eyes seemed on the verge of spilling tears, his face carrying a sorrowful air that made the sight painfully heartbreaking. As I stared blankly at him, he turned his head and slowly began to walk away.

His drooping shoulders looked so lonely that, before I knew it, I reached out and grabbed the hem of his clothes.

“Seol-ah…”

“It’s alright. I just hope you get to marry someone you truly love.”

At the sight of his fading smile, I loosened my grip on his sleeve. Misunderstanding my words as a rejection of his proposal, he simply smiled faintly.

I should have corrected him and told him that wasn’t what I meant. But the thought that I wouldn’t have to reject his proposal with my own lips kept me from speaking.

Because of my rejection, he would now have to go through with a political marriage he despised enough to want to die. And then, he would leave for Qing. As I watched Lee Seol gaze at the children from afar, I silently wished.

That his betrothed would be kind and good. That they would cherish even his flaws. That they would be strong and unshaken by most things.

And, most of all, that Lee Seol wouldn’t end up harming his betrothed.

I wanted to tell him that first love never works out, so he should learn to love his betrothed. That it was more beautiful to leave behind the pure and innocent affections of childhood as just that—a memory.

I racked my brain, trying to find the right words for him. As I fiddled with my interlocked fingers, lost in thought, Lee Seol spoke up.

“Let’s go now. We have to attend the gathering today.”

At his words, I swallowed dryly.

The gathering. The twice-yearly assembly of scholars. I usually attended because I missed my friends, but this time, I didn’t want to go—because of Kang Taegwon.

“Huh? Ah… I was thinking of skipping it.”

“Why?”

“Well, um… just… I don’t really feel like it…”

“Can’t you come just this once?”

“Why? You don’t usually go to these gatherings.”

“This will be my last one.”

“Ah…”

I clenched my fists tightly.

It was a rare occasion when all our old friends gathered in spring and autumn. I still had the next autumn gathering, and the year after that, and many more in the future.

But if Lee Seol got married and left for Qing, he might never be able to attend again. This could be the last time we all saw each other.

“…Alright.”

I nodded and walked toward the children.

Lee Seol took each of their hands in his for a moment, promising to return in two days before turning away. Cheondung, overcome with gratitude for the seonin’s care, dropped to his knees in a deep bow.

I patted the boy’s head and waved, signaling that we were leaving.

Even from behind, Lee Seol was breathtaking. Every step he took down the mountain was steady and unwavering.

The birds chirped brightly, their songs carrying through the clear air. A gentle spring breeze lifted his hair and the hem of his robes. As his hair fluttered, catching the sunlight filtering through the leaves, it shimmered so brilliantly that it was almost blinding.

I quickened my pace to walk beside him, my eyes lowered to the ground. Then, in a fleeting glance at his face, my heart plummeted.

A single tear slipped down his pale, ashen cheek.