TMB Vol 7 Part 3

3. Pregnancy (2)

The two weeks without Seung-yeon felt like two months. They occasionally video called, but the time difference made communication difficult.

Because his schedule was busy, Il-seo couldn’t reply to Seung-yeon’s texts on time, and when communication was actually possible, he hesitated to contact him, worried that Seung-yeon might be sleeping. Seung-yeon felt the same way. The messages he left whenever he had a moment always contained the worry that he didn’t want to wake Il-seo.

The long-awaited day of Seung-yeon’s return. Il-seo went out to the airport to meet him on the day Seung-yeon arrived. By contacting Hwan, he was able to board in advance the company vehicle that came to the airport to pick up Seung-yeon.

Il-seo, who had been waiting in the back seat, handed over a bouquet of flowers as soon as Seung-yeon opened the van door. Abundantly bloomed daisies covered Seung-yeon’s view, and soon a small face peeked out from beside them.

Eyes with a reddish-brown tint, a small upturned nose, lips resembling the color of cosmos—all appeared slowly as if in slow motion.

Seung-yeon burst into laughter as if releasing the breath he’d been holding, feeling as if his breath had stopped for a moment. Seung-yeon, who got in the car while receiving the bouquet, pulled Il-seo deep into his arms. After the embrace so tight his ribcage was constricted, Seung-yeon pulled Il-seo away from his arms and asked how he got all the way here. Il-seo smiled sheepishly saying it was a surprise. Chu, chu. Unable to hold back, Seung-yeon left short kisses on both of Il-seo’s cheeks.

Hwan, who had organized the luggage with the road manager who came to pick up Seung-yeon and was just about to get in the passenger seat, tried desperately not to look at the back seat. Hwan shouted loudly while setting the destination with his face practically buried in the navigation system.

“Going to hyung-nim’s house!”

“Yeah.”

The answering voice was tinged with laughter. Hwan forcibly suppressed the surge of emotion at the soft voice he was hearing for the first time in two weeks.

In the United States, Seung-yeon was in a bad mood for two weeks straight. Without Il-seo, Seung-yeon had become so brittle, it felt like traveling back in time.

Having adapted to Seung-yeon who had become mellow after meeting Lee Il-seo, he had forgotten his innate temperament. Not even a full day after being separated from Il-seo, Seung-yeon perfectly regressed to that past irritating and sensitive appearance. Even while smiling at staff with folded eyes and acting fake, the moment something slightly rubbed him the wrong way or a schedule got messed up, he didn’t hide his characteristic chilling aura.

The only times Seung-yeon became briefly gentle were right after briefly calling or texting Il-seo. Even that was only a temporary measure, and his eyes rapidly turned cold in less than a minute. Hwan wanted to smack him hard on the back of the head, but when Seung-yeon’s dark eyes, so difficult to read his emotions, turned to him, he would break into a cold sweat and reflect on whether he had done anything wrong.

During filming breaks, Seung-yeon sat with an expressionless face, earphones in, just looking at his phone. What he was looking at were Il-seo-ssi’s photos and videos. After spending two weeks watching Seung-yeon’s every move, Hwan desperately needed to go back to Korea, or rather, Il-seo’s presence itself.

So, the day before returning to Korea, Hwan was sincerely grateful to Il-seo, who had contacted him through Kyung-hyun. To Il-seo’s thoughtful message, ‘Would it be rude if I went to the airport?’, Hwan replied, ‘Please come.’ He wanted to tell Seung-yeon this news right away, but he had to hold back at Il-seo’s request to keep it a secret from Seung-yeon.

‘Il-seo-ssi, I’m most grateful to you in the world.’

While the car was heading to Seung-yeon’s house, the back seat was in another world. The sound of quiet conversation never stopped, and then Il-seo’s giggling at Seung-yeon’s trivial words also came over. As long as Seung-yeon was docile, Hwan didn’t care if he heard kissing sounds or cheesy expressions of affection from the back seat. No, he was rather grateful.

After arriving at Seung-yeon’s house, Hwan unloaded the suitcase and luggage bags. When he tried to pull the luggage to the lobby, Seung-yeon grabbed Hwan’s forearm.

“I’ll carry it in. Go.”

“Ah. Yes, hyung-nim. You worked hard.”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

Hwan, who had been frequently ignored when greeting for the entire two weeks, politely bowed even while clenching his fist at the emotion welling up again.

Seung-yeon and Il-seo entered the house together holding hands. After roughly pushing the suitcase and luggage bag into the entrance, Seung-yeon hugged Il-seo and breathed deeply with his nose against his nape.

“Ah…. I feel alive.”

He wanted to hold him, wanted to touch him, wanted to smell this scent. Just the fact that Il-seo existed within reach made all fatigue melt away and his heart beat tightly.

Il-seo felt the same. From the entrance they were busy kissing each other’s cheeks and napes everywhere. With each step toward the bedroom, pieces of clothing fell off one by one.

***

Seung-yeon, wearing only a robe over his underwear, gently loosened Il-seo’s wet hair with his fingers as he lay with his head on his thigh. His thigh felt moist, as if he was drooling while dozing off. Though he felt sorry for him sleeping soundly, he couldn’t let him skip dinner. Seung-yeon gently shook Il-seo’s shoulder.

“Il-seo-ya. You need to eat dinner.”

“Mmm.”

Seung-yeon asked while gently massaging the nape of Il-seo, who only made grumbling sounds as if annoyed.

“Since it’s bothersome, let’s order in. Is there anything you want to eat?”

A voice thick with sleep barely mumbled “Anything,” then the breathing sounds grew louder again.

“You can’t fall asleep. Let’s eat then sleep. Okay?”

“Sunbar… what I want to eat….”

Il-seo, who barely answered in a fading voice, made the characteristic breathing sound of someone falling back into sleep. Smiling silently, Seung-yeon brought a sofa cushion to support Il-seo’s neck, then covered him with a thick blanket too. It would be better to order food delivery while Il-seo was sleeping.

Having eaten only flour-based foods continuously in America, he was drawn to Korean food, and just then he remembered the spicy soup rice Il-seo had ordered through a delivery app last time, saying he’d found a good restaurant.

The seasoning combination was decent and the meat was tender without gamey smell, so even Il-seo, who didn’t enjoy meat that much, completely emptied a bowl including the broth. But no matter how much he thought, he couldn’t remember the restaurant name.

Seung-yeon picked up cigarettes and a lighter, then got up from his seat holding Il-seo’s phone that was placed beside them.

Since Il-seo ordered it, the order history would probably remain in the delivery app.

His thought was correct. Searching through the order history, there was a record of ordering from that restaurant. Seung-yeon with a cigarette between his lips grinned. The moment he checked the address one last time to place an order on his own phone, he saw the phrase “Address not available for delivery” below the restaurant name.

Raising one eyebrow, Seung-yeon checked the current address set in Il-seo’s delivery app. Strangely, it was set to a completely different place. Not Il-seo’s house, not the company, not a filming location, but an officetel in a Seoul outskirts area.

「○○Officetel Room 405」

Staring intently at the address, Seung-yeon looked at Il-seo’s recent order history.

Coffee, drinks, dessert, meals, coffee, drinks, dessert.

Every Tuesday and Thursday at 2 PM, desserts were ordered to this officetel. At first he wondered if he’d ordered for someone else somewhere, but between the order history, orange-flavored drinks were inserted like stage directions in a script. It was proof that Lee Il-seo had been at this location.

Seung-yeon checked on his own phone the messages Il-seo had sent on those dates. Coincidentally, during the two weeks when four orders were made, he was in America.

「I came back from a schedule.」

「I’m at the company.」

Il-seo had lied all four times.

“…Hmm.”

What was the reason for going to this place while even lying, and what did he do there? Seung-yeon, who looked up the officetel on his phone, frowned. It was a rather small 1.5-room officetel.

Then with the sound of the terrace door opening, Il-seo shuffled toward him. Seung-yeon put the phone in his robe pocket then spread his arms first. It was an action that had become ingrained in Seung-yeon due to Il-seo’s habit of always trying to hug him when waking up. Separate from his confused feelings, he first hugged him, and when Il-seo’s characteristic sweet body scent lingered at his nose, the rising anger was semi-forcibly subdued.

Seung-yeon ground out the cigarette in the ashtray and blew the last puff of smoke he’d held in the direction away from Il-seo.

Even while gently stroking Il-seo who hugged him with a slightly heated body, Seung-yeon mulled over that address Il-seo had visited at least twice a week or more during his absence. The deliveries repeated on the same day at the same time every week. And coincidentally, tomorrow was exactly that day.

“Uh, mm.”

Il-seo, who had been hugging him, frowned as if something was uncomfortable. Then he slightly raised his body from the embrace and looked at Seung-yeon.

“Sunbae, your pheromones are a bit….”

Something difficult to explain in words poked dully at his belly. Rather than feeling good, it was so strong it felt somewhat painful. Seung-yeon quickly suppressed his pheromones and patted Il-seo’s back.

“Sorry. I was thinking of something else for a moment.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“The dinner menu. How about soup rice? The place you said was delicious back then.”

“Sounds good.”

Seung-yeon smiled with folded eyes. Il-seo smiled similarly in response while thinking. It was Seung-yeon’s false smile he was seeing after a long time. He faintly felt a sense of incongruity whose exact cause was hard to pinpoint, but soon his body collapsed, intoxicated by the soft pheromones Seung-yeon released.

***

Il-seo and Jun-yong, who got out of the car, climbed the parking lot stairs leading to the officetel entrance. Il-seo had psychological counseling sessions twice a week with Psychiatrist Son Soo-il, Jun-yong’s brother-in-law, at this officetel which was Jun-yong’s house.

Counseling started while Sa Seung-yeon was in America, and he received a total of four counseling sessions over two weeks. Today was the day of the last counseling session among a total of five regular sessions.

Through counseling, Il-seo came to understand why the shy Jun-yong had suddenly made the recommendation.

Psychiatrist Son, Jun-yong’s brother-in-law, was originally a psychiatrist very famous for psychological counseling. It was already something to be so grateful for to suddenly enjoy an opportunity for counseling with a doctor so busy it was difficult to make an appointment, thanks to connections, but Psychiatrist Son even came directly to Jun-yong’s house on days when he had no afternoon appointments for Il-seo’s sake.

Il-seo adamantly refused, but Psychiatrist Son explained the reason through Jun-yong. At the explanation that if he was seen frequently entering and leaving a psychiatrist’s office not long after registering his marriage with Seung-yeon, he could become gossip again, Il-seo couldn’t refuse anymore. Thanks to the consideration of both people, Il-seo could receive counseling in a more stable environment.

Psychological counseling conducted through conversation for over two hours at a time was a first in his life. The time honestly laying bare his inner feelings to a third party unrelated to either Seung-yeon or Kyung-hyun became a greater comfort than expected.

Counseling was similar to writing honestly for the first time a diary that even he himself found difficult to be honest in. At first it was a bit awkward and embarrassing, but having calm conversations with the psychiatrist made him realize aspects of himself he didn’t know, and he learned he had a bad habit of attributing even unavoidable incidents to his own fault.

Over two weeks, Il-seo slowly recovered his exhausted heart while learning ways to soothe his own mind. Particularly, he consistently practiced not giving meaning to unavoidable things like manifestation or miscarriage and accepting the worries of those around him as they were.

Once he decided to look at his own existence as it was without denying it, courage to honestly confess to Seung-yeon about being upset at the result of not being pregnant also gradually grew. Seung-yeon might not understand his feelings. He just wanted to calmly tell his inner feelings without being shaken, even if Seung-yeon, just hearing the word pregnancy, acted cold and harsh like last time and said harsh words to him. Today he intended to seek advice from the psychiatrist in their last counseling session on what attitude and what expressions to use when telling Seung-yeon about his difficult feelings.

It would be good to continue counseling since it was helpful, but unfortunately he was entering movie filming starting next month. Due to the schedule, periodic counseling would only proceed until today, and afterward it was decided to proceed whenever Il-seo needed it.

Jun-yong and Il-seo, who got off the elevator, walked side by side down the narrow hallway. In front of Jun-yong’s house, the coffee and dessert they’d ordered in advance were placed.

“The delivery came right on time.”

Jun-yong opened the delivery bag and took out the iced latte he’d ordered. Soon he opened his wallet and also handed Il-seo the card key that opened the officetel door. Il-seo slightly shook the small card key and smiled.

“I’ll be in your debt for the last time. Thank you.”

“I’m grateful. My brother-in-law said he’s stuck in traffic and will arrive a bit later.”

“Okay. See you in two hours.”

The reason Jun-yong said he was grateful was because while Il-seo was in counseling, he spent his free time using Il-seo’s card. It was a method Il-seo devised feeling sorry that Jun-yong had nowhere to go because of him. Il-seo stuffed the card he gave Jun-yong with lots of cash. It was a kind of bonus.

On the first day of counseling, Jun-yong only bought a single can of drink from a convenience store with that card. Then Il-seo withdrew the money Jun-yong hadn’t spent that day in cash, put it in an envelope and handed it over. When Il-seo, who failed trying to forcibly stuff the cash envelope into Jun-yong’s bag as he refused saying he wouldn’t accept it, used a rather firm voice. Saying if he didn’t accept this, there would be no counseling going forward either.

Only then did Jun-yong accept the envelope with a reluctant expression. When Il-seo said if he didn’t spend as much as was put on the card going forward, he’d put it as a bonus in his salary account, Jun-yong started gradually using the card after that.

Even so, it was at the level of ordering snacks at a PC cafe several times instead of once. When told to drop by nearby department stores and buy something if he had nothing to do, Jun-yong just smiled awkwardly saying he didn’t particularly want anything. The only thing to give such a Jun-yong without burden was food.

“Oh, right.”

Il-seo opened the heavy delivery bag. He’d ordered lots of bread to give Jun-yong, but Jun-yong had just taken the drink. Il-seo called out to Jun-yong, who had already gotten far away, while taking out bread.

“There’s bread…, take this, Jun-yong-ah.”

At the same time, the mechanical sound of the elevator stopping on the 4th floor rang out. The moment Jun-yong turned around at Il-seo’s call, the figure getting off the elevator also looked toward where Il-seo was standing.

“……”

Il-seo’s eyes grew wider as he faced the figure striding across the narrow hallway. Even wearing a hat pulled down low and a mask, his build couldn’t be hidden.

“…Sunbae?”

Instead of answering, Seung-yeon stopped in front of Jun-yong and Il-seo. The narrow officetel hallway was filled with three people standing tall.

Jun-yong stood frozen between Il-seo and Seung-yeon with a bewildered expression for a moment, then belatedly bowed his head deeply toward Seung-yeon.

“Uh, hello.”

Until then, Jun-yong thought Il-seo had called Seung-yeon here for some reason. But Seung-yeon just stared intently at Jun-yong who was greeting him.

And Jun-yong unconsciously frowned and stepped back from Seung-yeon. He reflexively stepped back because the pheromones checking an Alpha that only Alphas could feel were too thick.

Rather than sharp and pointed, it felt heavy and hot like a heated iron ball. So heavy it was difficult to even move his body freely. The concentration pressing down on a person was so thick that if it got just a bit thicker like this, his legs would give out without him knowing.

Even Il-seo, who was recessive, felt something unpleasant enough that Il-seo pushed around Jun-yong’s waist area.

“Jun-yong-ah, go.”

He forced a smile while pressing the bread he couldn’t fully hand over, but Jun-yong had already sensed the unusual atmosphere. Jun-yong’s face was full of bewilderment. It seemed like some misunderstanding had occurred, but for now he judged it best to follow Il-seo’s words.

“…I’ll be going.”

Jun-yong, who tactfully left a silent bow, tried to leave first, but Seung-yeon grabbed Jun-yong’s forearm.

“Sunbae…!”

And the moment Il-seo urgently stopped Seung-yeon, both Il-seo and Jun-yong felt the atmosphere surrounding Seung-yeon subtly change. Eyes, complexion, breathing, and even the subtle flow of pheromones, everything. Seung-yeon, who ground his teeth hard enough for his jaw muscles to move then released, made eye contact with Jun-yong just like that.

“Will you explain before leaving?”

He was using a tone polite enough to be jarring compared to the grip on his wrist and fierce gaze. It was a familiar sight to Il-seo.

When filming Temperature of Overflow, Seung-yeon’s appearance when dealing with Bae Tak-soo who picked a fight with him and disrupted filming was exactly like that. While pretending to be courteous with a strange expression, precarious emotions as if he would do something at any moment were pooled in his jet-black eyes.

The respectful speech used punctiliously and the smile were all obviously fake, and Seung-yeon had no intention of hiding it. Rather, the intention to use that sense of incongruity to intimidate the person was clearly revealed.

That day, Seung-yeon deliberately swung his hand threateningly in the scene of slapping Bae Tak-soo’s cheek. Bae Tak-soo deserved to incur wrath for sabotaging the filming, but not Jun-yong. Today was clearly Seung-yeon’s misunderstanding. Il-seo took one more step toward Seung-yeon and stopped him.

“Sunbae, talk with me.”

Il-seo’s eyes were fixed on the forearm Seung-yeon was gripping.

“First, let go of this….”

“Since when was this bastard’s house the company?”

Finally Il-seo sighed quietly and bit his lips. Things had gotten badly tangled. He had made a date appointment with Seung-yeon timed to when today’s counseling ended. It was to tell him about the counseling and honestly talk about the mild depression that had come from pregnancy-related matters. But Seung-yeon asked what if they met early, saying his schedule happened to move, and Il-seo made the excuse that he had to drop by the company because he had to receive counseling first.

But seeing now, Seung-yeon had asked knowing everything. The moment Il-seo tried to explain what had happened, a door opened at the end of the hallway.

One officetel resident walking down the hallway to take the elevator glanced at the three people standing still. Then looked this way again as if surprised. Jun-yong habitually stood to shield Il-seo first. All three of them being tall already stood out, and Seung-yeon and Il-seo were different from their bone structure and appearance. Though wearing hats and masks, looking this way again probably meant they recognized them.

Finally Jun-yong asked Seung-yeon for understanding.

“I’m sorry…. Could you talk inside?”

Only then did Seung-yeon also let go of Jun-yong’s forearm. Jun-yong passed between the two people and opened the house door. Then he sent his brother-in-law a text saying something really urgent came up today so he couldn’t do the counseling. After confirming his brother-in-law’s reply, Jun-yong put his phone in his pocket and looked at Seung-yeon.

“Actor-nim. I think there’s a misunderstanding….”

“It’s fine so get lost.”

“Watch your words, Sunbae.”

Jun-yong drew his eyebrows together in absurdity. Until just now he’d clearly grabbed his forearm and demanded explanation (he didn’t shout but to Jun-yong it sounded like a roar), it seemed. Now he heard the cursing to get lost. What was most unfair was that this was his house. Exactly where was he supposed to get lost to? Il-seo apologized to the wronged Jun-yong and asked for understanding.

“Sorry, Jun-yong-ah. Can you give us some space?”

“…Yes.”

Jun-yong bowed as deeply as possible and swiftly exited the house. Jun-yong, who stopped standing still in the hallway, was dumbfounded as he rubbed his face. Seung-yeon seemed very angry. Could it be he misunderstood the relationship between Il-seo hyung and himself from calling Il-seo hyung to his house?

Though he’d thought of Il-seo as a good person, that was just human fondness. Usually Jun-yong didn’t think of Il-seo as an Omega at all (his pheromones were weak and his appearance wasn’t very different from a Beta so he hadn’t recognized it at all), and he assumed the counseling had been mentioned to Seung-yeon in advance.

His worry grew that the two might be fighting because he’d unnecessarily suggested how about doing counseling at his house.

“Haah….”

Even though he was already an Alpha famous for strong possessiveness, Sa Seung-yeon was an extreme dominant Alpha. As a fellow manifestor, it was his mistake to make a suggestion that didn’t consider Seung-yeon. Offering an outside Alpha’s space to an Omega with a mate could feel extremely rude to an Alpha regardless of reason.

Even while wanting to step forward and explain, because the reason was an extremely personal matter for Il-seo, and because rashly stepping forward in front of the two might again be seen as an act of disrespecting Seung-yeon, he could neither do this nor that.

Jun-yong anxiously paced in the hallway for a while, then belatedly moved his heavy steps.

***

Il-seo looked at where Jun-yong had left and took off his mask. He was so short of breath he couldn’t keep the mask on. He exhaled the long breath pooled hotly in his chest and looked up at Seung-yeon.

“How did you know about here?”

“Why. Is there a reason I shouldn’t know?”

Seung-yeon, who asked back lightly, also pulled down his mask to his chin and looked around. It was an ordinary house. A narrow 1.5-room officetel where the sleeping space was visible at a glance, with faint pheromones remaining—an Alpha’s nest.

“So you really were regularly going in and out of Park Jun-yong’s house.”

“Don’t have strange misunderstandings.”

“If you hadn’t lied, there’d be nothing to misunderstand.”

Il-seo closed and opened his eyes, took Psychiatrist Son Soo-il’s business card from his pocket and pressed it into Seung-yeon’s hand. Il-seo looked up at Seung-yeon weakly.

“I did counseling here.”

His stomach had been churning and his belly hurt since earlier. It seemed to be because the aggressive pheromones Seung-yeon had emitted toward Jun-yong were faintly affecting him. Il-seo barely endured the pain and continued explaining.

“Jun-yong’s brother-in-law is a psychiatrist and he’s famous for psychological counseling. Jun-yong just lent the space worried there’d be articles about going in and out of a psychiatrist’s office not long after getting married.”

He should ask how Seung-yeon came to know this address. And he wanted to confront him for being rude to Jun-yong without even hearing the reason.

But now quarreling wasn’t first. It seemed conversation would only be possible once he explained the reason and resolved Seung-yeon’s misunderstanding.

Seung-yeon read the business card Il-seo handed over with no expression. Next to the name ‘Son Soo-il’ was written the title of psychiatric specialist.

“…Psychological counseling.”

Seung-yeon, who muttered quietly to himself, raised his head and looked into Il-seo’s eyes.

“So?”

At the voice as cold as his expression, Il-seo blinked in bewilderment. Seung-yeon still approached Il-seo one step closer with a cold face. Then he held out the business card to Il-seo.

“Is your explanation over?”

Watching Il-seo frozen still in confusion, Seung-yeon raised one corner of his mouth.

“Does it end with you saying you did counseling and me agreeing?”

Il-seo’s lips trembled. Even if not complete agreement… he expected him to ask the reason or show some softening. He thought the absurd misunderstanding that he did something improper with an Alpha would quickly be resolved since Jun-yong had only lent this space out of goodwill. But Seung-yeon continued as if he’d read his mind.

“Il-seo-ya. I never once doubted you did anything strange.”

Seung-yeon had never suspected Il-seo in the first place. That Lee Il-seo loved him was proven every day, every minute, every second. The reason he was angry at Park Jun-yong was because he couldn’t trust that Alpha bastard’s intentions.

Even seeing Lee Il-seo about to calmly enter an Alpha’s house, he thought there must be a reason he couldn’t tell him first. Like an idiot, for a very brief moment he even made the hasty speculation that maybe he was secretly preparing a surprise.

But to learn the reason for regularly going in and out of an Alpha’s house whose intentions were unknown was to get treated for being sick. After hearing the reason, rather than angry, he felt futile.

If it had been Kyung-hyun’s house, no, if the reason had been something else, he wouldn’t feel this powerless.

Lee Il-seo had again hidden being sick from him, so he couldn’t be there when Lee Il-seo was suffering. He felt like his existence had been pushed to the bottom. Then should this too be called karma he must endure for hurting Lee Il-seo in the past and losing his trust? Then should he be angry at himself rather than Il-seo?

“Fuck. I’d be less miserable if Park Jun-yong had clung to you with dark intentions.”

“Su, Sunbae.”

“How can you think to hide being sick?”

“It’s not that I was trying to keep hiding it….”

“Being sick…!!”

Finally Seung-yeon shouted. Seung-yeon, who cut off Il-seo’s words, clenched his fist so hard nail marks appeared on his palm. The moment he unconsciously raised his voice, Il-seo faintly curled up and trembled his chin minutely. It was because of the aggressive pheromones. Seung-yeon, who hesitated, bit his teeth hard enough for his jaw muscles to move and tried hard to lower his voice.

“Setting everything aside, hiding being sick is a completely different problem.”

Seung-yeon’s voice began trembling at the end.

“This isn’t our first time with this.”

“……”

“You’re sick. And I become a fucking idiot who knows nothing. You’re telling me to do this again?”

Fuck. Seung-yeon lowered his head and spat out a curse like a lament.

“In the end, nothing’s different from before. To you, I’m still a bastard who’s only this much.”

Il-seo’s complexion, who had been looking at Seung-yeon, turned pale. It was because Seung-yeon’s eyes, whites dyed bright red, were filled with tears to the limit. Eventually the tears fell heavily not long after. At Seung-yeon’s tears, rarely seen, Il-seo also panicked.

Not knowing what to do, he intertwined and fidgeted with both hands, then reached out but ultimately couldn’t grasp Seung-yeon and let his hands drop weakly.

“I’m sorry.”

“……”

“This time I really, really was going to tell you right away.”

I didn’t have the courage. Along with the gradually fading voice, Il-seo also deeply bowed his head. A silence like cold water poured fell in the narrow room. Only occasionally the sound of Il-seo gasping for breath rang out.

The moment Seung-yeon showed tears, his head got twisted. Flustered Il-seo began rather hastily bringing out the inner story he’d tried to calmly lay out this evening after calming his mind.

“A, a while ago I took a pregnancy test kit, and two lines appeared.”

“What?”

At the shocking statement, Seung-yeon looked at Il-seo with a contorted brow. As expected with Seung-yeon, he felt the air surrounding them instantly sharpen. Il-seo shook his head first.

“When I got the checkup they said no. Said it was a test kit error…. But when I heard it wasn’t pregnancy, tears suddenly came.”

Il-seo, who couldn’t continue speaking and hesitated for a moment, gauged Seung-yeon’s reaction.

“Without realizing it, I was a little… really just a little hopeful. …Like a fool I got excited. Even though I’m not even healthy yet….”

With slurred pronunciation he babbled incoherently while fiddling with his fingernail tips like someone who’d committed a crime.

“These thoughts kept coming so my heart became difficult. That’s why I said I wanted counseling first. Jun-yong’s brother-in-law happened to be a doctor so I got introduced, that’s all.”

He felt something hot rising up inside his throat. He didn’t want to cry but his voice began getting damply soaked. Though wronged, he felt sorry, and while flustered, this situation was burdensome.

“Jun-yong doesn’t know the reason either. Really, only Kyung-hyun hyung and I know. Kyung-hyun hyung also said to quickly tell Sunbae, but… because it was pregnancy-related I couldn’t open my mouth. Sunbae would definitely worry and be anxious about me, and then the America filming would be affected…. I’m sorry for telling you late, really.”

When he tentatively brought up pregnancy, Seung-yeon had reacted coldly. Il-seo was also hurt by that appearance, so courage gradually disappeared and he just kept putting it off.

He regretted it. He really hadn’t meant to hurt him this much. He felt sorry for hurting Seung-yeon, but when Seung-yeon was just quiet, he became unbearably afraid. Seung-yeon being angry was scary, but he had even less immunity to him becoming cold toward him. His heart pounded and the ground beneath his feet became squishy.

“If I make excuses… I also needed a little time to soothe my mind until I could be composed even if Sunbae disliked it and got angry.”

“……”

“But today, I definitely… was going to tell you. Really.”

Seung-yeon just silently watched Il-seo, who couldn’t even breathe loudly and was sobbing. Forcibly suppressing the boiling emotions and pheromones was also gradually reaching its limit. The back of his head pulled heavily and his head throbbed. Seung-yeon laboriously opened his mouth while enduring the stabbing headache.

“Right. If you hide and conceal like that and only show me your fine appearance.”

“……”

“Then…. How am I supposed to protect you?”

At the voice sunken as if hoarse, Il-seo slowly raised his head.

“Worried I’ll dislike it, worried I’ll get angry, so you’ll prepare your heart in advance? What kind of childish talk is that?”

“……”

“To you, I looked like I was getting angry…. But Il-seo-ya.”

Seung-yeon gripped his shoulders with a quiet call. A voice full of emotion dug into Il-seo’s ears syllable by syllable.

“I’m scared. I’m struggling because I’m scared of losing you again.”

Tears flowed down once more from Seung-yeon’s eyes that had never been moist before. Il-seo held his breath and swayed faintly. Only then did Seung-yeon become aware that his pheromones were fluctuating wildly to a serious level and stepped one step away from Il-seo as if fleeing.

Il-seo’s complexion wasn’t good. Though he knew he should immediately withdraw his pheromones and hug him, there was no guarantee he could control not hurting Il-seo further. Keeping distance. That was all he could do. Seung-yeon muttered in a futile voice.

“Look. Even now you’re enduring hurting because of my pheromones.”

Il-seo couldn’t wipe the flowing tears or answer.

“When I realize I can’t be your refuge…. I really want to die.”

Seung-yeon wiped his wet cheeks with his hand and shook his head.

“No, I want to kill. The me from the past who eliminated trust between us… I want to find him and kill him over and over.”

“Sunbae….”

He tried to apologize once more but Seung-yeon passed right by Il-seo. The mechanical sound of the door closing rang out behind him. Il-seo sank to the floor. His legs lost strength and he couldn’t stand properly.

***

With the sound of pressing the entrance passcode, the door opened. The figure entering while taking off shoes in the dim entrance strode across the hallway and headed toward the bedroom without hesitation.

When he knocked twice on the tightly closed door and opened it, he saw a figure lying on the bed.

“Hyung-nim?”

Seung-yeon, lying with his forearm covering his eyes, answered in that position.

“Leave it and go.”

“Don’t you need to go to the hospital?”

“Go.”

Even at the answer dripping with annoyance, Hwan approached Seung-yeon closer. When he put down the medicine bag, took out the liquid medicine and fever reducer from the bag and placed them on the console, Seung-yeon also slowly sat up.

“Really, are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital?”

“Yeah. I’ll get better if I take medicine.”

Seung-yeon suddenly got sick. Not long after returning from the America trip, Seung-yeon lay down sick with notification that he couldn’t do his schedule.

At first he was suspicious. In the first place, an extreme dominant Alpha getting sick was a rare enough occurrence to count on one hand. Wondering if he was using condition as an excuse to go play with Lee Il-seo (last time he moved his schedule and went to Bali where Lee Il-seo was, and he broke out in cold sweat seeing articles break out), he secretly called Kyung-hyun to check, and as a result, Lee Il-seo was diligently carrying out his schedule.

When he belatedly called with a surprised heart, Seung-yeon’s voice was much more hoarse than expected, so he came to the house carrying medicine right away.

Seung-yeon disliked both visiting his house carelessly and not listening to words at once, but now he didn’t particularly have any nagging. He seemed to have softened in spirit from being sick.

Moreover, how much of a fever did he have that the area around where Seung-yeon sat was hot. Hwan brought a stool to sit beside Seung-yeon taking medicine.

“Il-seo-ssi is still in schedule. They say his body is fine but his mood is a bit down.”

Though he babbled on about things he wasn’t asked, Seung-yeon didn’t particularly dislike such Hwan so he let him be. Seung-yeon, who emptied an entire 500ml bottle of water at once due to serious thirst, crumpled the empty plastic bottle and threw it in the trash.

Il-seo’s complexion wasn’t good yesterday. Though he vacated the place before he got sicker, he was curious if his body was okay. Unable to contact him in the end, he only received reports of Lee Il-seo’s movements through Kim Jae-won in charge of security.

Anyway, he hadn’t heard that he was feeling down, so he was concerned whether Il-seo couldn’t concentrate throughout the schedule because of fighting with him. If it was that perfectionist guy, he would have a lot of mental anguish, and he wondered if he should contact him now.

“Um… Hyungnim, you should apologize first.”

At Hwan’s voice that seemed to read his thoughts, Seung-yeon’s brow furrowed sharply. Having quietly let him babble on, now thinking he was making presumptuous remarks, Seung-yeon replied coldly.

“I told you to go.”

“I heard roughly from Kyung-hyun hyung. That you were angry because Il-seo-ssi hid being sick.”

Seung-yeon let out a hollow laugh.

“Kyung-hyun hyung? You two have gotten close?”

“Of course. Since you two are married…, we’re family now too. Like in-laws or something like that concept.”

Seeing Seung-yeon chuckle as if that expression didn’t feel bad, Hwan gathered a bit more courage.

“Hyung-nim has also made excuses about schedules when your condition drops or during rut before. Wasn’t Il-seo-ssi the same? I also absolutely don’t tell my girlfriend when I’m sick. Just thinking about her worrying makes my chest just! hurt.”

Hwan, who tried hard to lighten the atmosphere by talking exaggeratedly on purpose, looked at Seung-yeon’s profile that still showed signs of being down, and finally shut his mouth tight. After quietly mulling over thoughts for a while, Seung-yeon spoke without making eye contact with Hwan.

“You saw it too. How much blood Lee Il-seo shed that day.”

“……”

“I’m not just saying this, he really almost died. With that stubbornness about not causing me harm, he bet his life. I’m scared of Lee Il-seo loving me that way.”

Because of the voice sunken from fever, the bedroom atmosphere instantly became heavy. Only then did Hwan know. That a deeper conflict he hadn’t heard about remained between the two.

Seung-yeon sighed and wiped his cheeks with his palms. Seung-yeon, staring blankly at one spot looking somewhat tired, muttered quietly.

“He did it again. The kid is pitiful.”

Hwan mulled over the word ‘pitiful’ several times. Il-seo-ssi was the kindest person among all the people he’d seen. First, it was amazing that he forgave Seung-yeon and even married him after being so cruelly treated, but setting that aside, he was really, really kind enough to count on one hand even as a human being. Perhaps because the people he encountered in the entertainment industry of the strong preying on the weak were so tough, that kind nature stood out even more.

But he somehow understood Seung-yeon calling such a person pitiful. He seemed to somewhat know that powerless and fearful heart that feels pitiful conversely because he’s too kind.

Hwan tried hard to pull up the corners of his mouth. Even so, if he said Lee Il-seo was at fault like this, it seemed Seung-yeon would really be hurt.

“Hyung-nim has also been pretty pitiful all this time. You should be punished.”

Even after blurting it out, he gauged Seung-yeon’s reaction. Fortunately, Seung-yeon burst into silent laughter with a chuckle. Even while doing that, he waved his hands shooing him away with a gesture to get lost. Feeling like he’d really get scolded if he stimulated him more, Hwan got up from his seat holding the medicine bag and empty medicine containers Seung-yeon had scattered.

At that time when Seung-yeon, who had taken medicine, slept all afternoon. Il-seo, as soon as he finished his schedule and got in the car, leaned his head against the car window and closed his eyes. All the way home, Il-seo didn’t say a word and kept his eyes tightly shut.

Only when he heard Kyung-hyun parking did Il-seo open his eyes. Il-seo, who was habitually looking out the car window, raised his eyebrows and looked at Kyung-hyun.

“You didn’t touch the catering at all earlier, right? You can’t skip a meal. You have to eat before going back.”

The place where the car stopped was a flower pork belly restaurant that Kyung-hyun was crazy about. Eventually, Il-seo put on a hat and got out of the car. Kyung-hyun had made a reservation, so they were able to sit in the most secluded spot with high partitions. Il-seo felt nauseous just looking at the side dishes filling the table. A grumpy voice naturally came out.

“…I have no appetite.”

“I don’t care. Eat even if you have to force it down.”

Kyung-hyun, who scolded Il-seo for showing signs of not wanting to eat, checked a text then gestured toward the restaurant entrance. Wondering who else was coming, Il-seo raised his head and a bewildered smile spread across his face.

“Hyung?”

“It’s been a while, Il-seo-ya. Hyung, it’s been a while.”

“Sit. Sit.”

Il-seo, who was bewilderedly watching Park Jae-ho sit down, asked.

“How did you get all the way here?”

“I just finished a schedule next door, when Kyung-hyun hyung happened to contact me. How could I refuse when he’s buying?”

“Perfect timing, right?”

Kyung-hyun excitedly filled beer glasses. Il-seo, who had been just staring at the glass for a while, smacked his lips then subtly pushed forward his beer glass.

“You’re drinking?”

“Yes, just one glass for me too.”

Kyung-hyun thought he did well contacting Park Jae-ho, seeing Il-seo smile for the first time today and try to eat something.

“Come on. Let’s toast.”

The three people who clinked glasses shouting “Cheers” gulped down beer. With his mood already gloomy, when cold beer went down his esophagus it was sweet as honey water. Watching Il-seo squint one eye going “Keu,” Park Jae-ho asked.

“I heard Il-seo is in a bad mood? Why, did you fight with that guy?”

When Il-seo froze unable to say anything at the question that dug right in, Park Jae-ho looked even more surprised and asked “What, you really fought?” Then he clicked his tongue before Il-seo could even answer.

“Well, Seung-yeon-ssi must have been at fault.”

“Actually….”

Il-seo briefly explained the situation to Park Jae-ho. The content was that his heart was difficult so he received psychological counseling, and Seung-yeon found out about it later and got angry. He honestly confessed the mistake of just thinking it fortunate that the doctor was Jun-yong’s brother-in-law, so the counseling proceeded at Jun-yong’s house.

While Kyung-hyun grilled meat, Park Jae-ho, who was calmly listening to Il-seo’s voice, sighed quietly and rested his chin when the story ended. Park Jae-ho, who was spinning his beer glass as if thinking, made eye contact with Il-seo.

“How about Il-seo apologizing first for this matter.”

Il-seo, who thought Park Jae-ho would take his side, looked at him in surprise then shifted his gaze to Kyung-hyun. Then Kyung-hyun put well-cooked meat on Il-seo’s plate and nodded.

“I agree.”

But Kyung-hyun also carefully sided with Park Jae-ho. Il-seo looked back and forth between Park Jae-ho and Kyung-hyun with wide eyes, then slowly lowered his head.

“…I see.”

Park Jae-ho frowned as he watched Il-seo, who couldn’t even appeal about why he had to apologize or that his senior was being too harsh, and instead became as subdued as a soaked cotton ball.

“You might think that because you don’t know how sick you were. Honestly, back then everyone worried about you to the point of… even preparing their hearts. How much more so Seung-yeon-ssi.”

Watching Il-seo nod, Park Jae-ho stroked near Il-seo’s crown.

“The point isn’t ‘manager’s house’ but ‘counseling.’ Of course, Seung-yeon might have been more irritated because an Alpha was involved, but honestly, we all know. Even if we let you loose in an Alpha den, you’d only be waiting for Seung-yeon.”

“That’s right, that’s right.”

Kyung-hyun chimed in, and Park Jae-ho filled Il-seo’s empty glass with beer.

“For now, eat deliciously. Tomorrow, like a man, contact him first. Tomorrow, contact him like a man. I don’t even need to see it. Seung-yeon is probably just waiting for your call right now.”

“That’s right, that’s right.”

With another agreement, Il-seo’s plate was piled high with hot meat. Il-seo, urged by Kyung-hyun to eat quickly, picked up a piece of meat and shoved it into his mouth. Honestly, he couldn’t really taste it because his mind was so confused.

He knew that his fault was primarily in hiding all the circumstances, but he didn’t expect Jae-ho and Kyung-hyun to think that way too.

Unavoidably the remaining hurt feelings and reason that he should still apologize first clashed. When he started suppressing his complicated feelings with beer, the resolution to drink just one glass blurred and he kept filling his glass ceaselessly. Perhaps because it was alcohol after a long time, he quickly got tipsy. Later, he even shed a few tears because of Kyung-hyun and Jae-ho, who were constantly saying nice things to cheer him up.

They ordered more meat and ordered more alcohol. With the excuse that there was no schedule tomorrow, Il-seo also gulped beer without rest.

“Il-seo is drinking well today?”

“Don’t just drink, eat lots of meat too.”

With tipsy spirits rising and receiving praise, excited Il-seo ate even harder with enthusiasm. Just when he was so full that he couldn’t even swallow another piece of meat, Kyung-hyun chewed on the meat and looked at Il-seo.

“Oh, right.”

Kyung-hyun said while chewing meat.

“Hwan said? That Seung-yeon-ssi is sick.”

Il-seo, who was stirring seasoned vegetables with chopsticks, froze as is.

“…Sick?”

“Yeah. Well, doesn’t seem serious. Seems like he’s resting because his condition’s not good. Hwan called to check if it was real or if he was lying and playing with you.”

Watching Kyung-hyun giggling after dropping the bombshell that Seung-yeon was sick, Il-seo lowered his eyebrows as if about to cry.

“Why are you only telling me that now?”

“Hey. Would he really be sick? You can tell just by looking, he’s holed up low-pressure from fighting with you.”

“What if he’s really sick…?”

“What to do. He’d go to the hospital, duh. And would an extreme dominant Alpha just be an extreme dominant for nothing?”

Il-seo was frozen stiff like ice from shock, but Park Jae-ho made an interested expression and asked.

“But you contact Seung-yeon-ssi’s manager separately? You’ve gotten pretty close.”

“I got to know him because of Il-seo’s proposal preparation, the kid’s agreeable.”

“Really?”

Park Jae-ho joked that to match that temper, just being agreeable wouldn’t be enough. The only serious one at the table was Il-seo.

No matter how robust Seung-yeon was physically, and even though the two had a bad image ingrained in them. No one, really no one, was interested in Seung-yeon’s physical condition.

Il-seo gloomily just stared blankly at the mixed seasoned vegetables. Seung-yeon was the type who didn’t even catch colds during season changes. If Hwan made a confirmation call, it meant it was enough to affect the schedule, and if he was really seriously sick….

The flower pork belly and alcohol that were so delicious just moments ago churned in just a few seconds. Il-seo put down the chopsticks stuck in the vegetables as is and got up from his seat.

“I’ll go first.”

“What? Where are you going?”

Kyung-hyun, seeing Il-seo’s expression, wanted to hit his own mouth for bringing it up unnecessarily.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to Seung-yeon-ssi? Now?”

“…Yes. I think I’ll feel more comfortable that way.”

“Why are you about to cry! Even if he really is sick, a full-grown adult can be a bit sick.”

Il-seo didn’t answer anything while putting on his padding. He couldn’t hear well Park Jae-ho’s voice stopping him saying he’d be sleeping now so rather go tomorrow morning sober. After hearing Seung-yeon was sick, he was just dazed.

Park Jae-ho and Kyung-hyun exchanged glances. Since they had almost finished eating anyway, they discreetly left the table and got up together. Park Jae-ho called a designated driver and went home first, while Kyung-hyun grabbed Il-seo, who was trying to call a taxi, and waited for Jun-yong.

Not long after, Jun-yong reached the restaurant front. Kyung-hyun waved his hand toward Jun-yong.

“Hey, here. Jun-yong-ah.”

Jun-yong, who approached almost running, first handed over the hangover remedy drink bag Kyung-hyun had separately requested. Thinking naturally Kyung-hyun would drink it, Kyung-hyun opened the lid and handed it to Il-seo. Seeing Il-seo reeking of alcohol smell every time he breathed, he raised his eyebrows.

“What’s the occasion for Il-seo hyung to drink?”

“Not just drink, he got drunk. Anyway, thanks for coming. Thanks to you I could drink comfortably too.”

“It’s my job. Give me the keys, hyung-nim.”

Jun-yong got in the driver’s seat, and Kyung-hyun sat Il-seo in the back seat then fastened his seatbelt. Jun-yong clicked on Il-seo’s home address marked on the navigation and asked.

“Should I drop off Il-seo hyung first?”

Then Il-seo in the back seat began mumbling and shuffling his body. Knowing what he was going to say, Kyung-hyun reached for the navigation system, telling him to sober up a bit since he understood.

“Um…. Not Il-seo’s house, can you go here instead?”

The place Kyung-hyun, sitting in the passenger seat, set as the destination was Seung-yeon’s house.

***

Along with sweet guitar performance, a voice mixed with a soft tone flowed through the speakers.

Seung-yeon, who had slept through the afternoon due to the medicine, spent the night staring blankly at the screen while leaning diagonally on the sofa. In the TV that was the only light in the pitch-black living room, a video of Tangerine that Seung-yeon had watched until worn long ago repeated endlessly. It was a video he had ignored for a long time out of needless distraction, thinking he’d been abandoned by the boy, but now it was different.

Now he could picture what expression this boy, only visible below the chin, was singing with. He knew he’d never once been abandoned by this boy, and rather knew he had always loved him. And even now he loved him more than anything else.

But he honestly didn’t know when that good kid would fully lean on him. He always said he’d try, but when it really mattered, Lee Il-seo would give up on himself first. That was his nature. A fool who tried to love the other person by taking away even the heart that loved himself, an idiot, a scary punk who was so foolish and kind that it made him angry.

He was different from such Lee Il-seo. Thoroughly selfish and cunning. Even now. In his head he hid being sick because he disliked Lee Il-seo worrying, but in his heart he desperately wanted to see him. Base desires boiled up wanting to fill insufficient attention by seeing him worry and be sad about him.

“…Fuck. I miss him.”

Along with the words that burst out without being able to hold back, the young Il-seo in the screen started the next song. Il-seo’s thin fingers playing the guitar flickered in his hazy vision. Il-seo’s voice mixed with a beautiful tone lingered in his ears. At that time, a mechanical sound cut through the sweet song.

Seung-yeon’s eyes instantly became sharp.

[—–.]

It was the sound of pressing the door lock. A mechanical sound that comes out when the password is wrong rang out, as if the number was pressed wrong. Seung-yeon, who had been leaning on the sofa, slowly got up and crossed the hallway.

Was it Hwan coming again out of worry?

No way. It wouldn’t be Lee Il-seo. Lee Il-seo is kind but his stubbornness alone is poisonously strong.

[—–.]

Soon the sound of pressing the door lock came once more and the front door opened. Seung-yeon, who discovered the figure entering the entrance, stopped walking in the middle of the hallway.

He wondered if he was seeing things because of the fever, but it was only for a moment. Il-seo, who was taking off his shoes, staggered once and then stood holding onto the hallway shelf. Soon, his shoulders shook with the sound of hiccups.

Seung-yeon, who tightly closed and opened his eyes, widened his stride toward Il-seo. As expected, the entrance was full of alcohol smell. Looking now, his eyes were half unfocused too, and his padding was draped crookedly on his shoulders. As if he’d dozed leaning on the car window the whole way, his hair was disheveled. Seung-yeon frowned sharply.

“You drank?”

“Yes. I drank.”

With whom. Where.

Who the hell did he drink with that they let this kid with a weak body drink until this drunk, and if drunk they should take the kid home but why let him wander around at dawn in this state. The moment Seung-yeon, whose eyes instantly became fierce, tried to press Il-seo, a hand suddenly reached out.

A small hand touched the forehead that still hadn’t cooled. The hand was chillingly cold and Il-seo’s eyes visible below were shaking.

“…You’re really sick.”

Il-seo, who let out a trembling breath, took away the hand that had been touching his forehead. Il-seo, blinking his eyes and not knowing what to do, looked at Seung-yeon.

Il-seo looked up at Seung-yeon like that for quite a while. His big eyes seemed to be worried about him being sick, but they also looked strangely sad. Seung-yeon, who was quick-witted, knew what Il-seo was thinking, but he pretended not to know and asked, slightly touching the tip of his chin.

“What. Is there something you want to say?”

Il-seo, whose lips trembled, muttered quietly.

“Sunbae also lied, so why only me….”

It was both cute that he bit the bait just because he asked, and annoying that he was saying things that didn’t make sense. Seung-yeon snorted derisively.

“Are you and I the same?”

“What’s different?”

Seung-yeon also stopped moving without realizing it at Il-seo’s sharp eyes, which he hadn’t seen in a long time. His tone was also quite cold, which reminded him of the time when he had cut off all ties with him and acted coldly.

“Sunbae also hid being si, sick, so what’s different?”

However, as soon as he thought it was a little scary, his tongue immediately loosened and his pronunciation was slurred. The hiccup’ sounds in between were a bonus. A shallow sigh escaped. Perhaps because he had lived as a Beta, he didn’t know anything about the difference in basic physical strength and recovery ability between an Alpha and others. Seung-yeon, who was holding his throbbing temples with his palms not because he was sick but because he was dumbfounded, looked down at Il-seo.

“So. You came to argue while drunk in the middle of the night because you’re upset about that?”

Il-seo frowned sharply as if asking what he took him for.

“I came because I was worried….”

“Who comes for a sick visit totally wasted like this?”

“I found out you were sick after getting wasted….”

This was the first time seeing Lee Il-seo nitpick every word like this. He seemed to be trying hard to argue logically, but perhaps because of his characteristic innocent way of speaking, he strangely looked sloppy. While Seung-yeon was silent for a moment, trying to control the corners of his lips that were trying to rise slightly without noticing, Il-seo let out a long breath and rubbed his cheeks.

Seeing him constantly fidgeting with his neck area as if stuffy, Seung-yeon first took off Il-seo’s outerwear.

“Anyway. Since you’re drunk, let’s talk tomorrow.”

Il-seo, who was obediently taking off his padding, looked at Seung-yeon and spoke.

“If we’re going to talk tomorrow, I wouldn’t have come all the way here. And I’m not that drunk….”

“My goodness.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, but his way with words had definitely improved. At this rate it would become a fight, so it seemed better to put him to sleep before he got more upset. The moment he tried to carry him to the bedroom without responding, Il-seo suddenly pushed away Seung-yeon’s forearm and put strength in his legs to resist.

“What are you doing? Go in and sleep.”

But his grip on the top of his home wear tightened. The light brown eyes looking up at Seung-yeon slowly lost their disappointment, and then a surge of sadness welled up.

“I was wrong.”

Not expecting Il-seo to apologize, Seung-yeon just stared with a hardened expression, and Il-seo, unable to withstand that gaze, slowly lowered his head.

“The fact that you cried… keeps coming to mind. Then here….”

Il-seo, who firmly pressed near his heart with the hand not holding Seung-yeon, muttered quietly.

“It hurts so much.”

“……”

“Because I hurt you…. I was wrong.”

Looking at Il-seo who was deflated and only staring at the floor, complexity spread in Seung-yeon’s eyes.

Only one day since they fought and didn’t contact each other. Seung-yeon had repeatedly organized in his head all day the words to explain his feelings.

He had so much to say. But when Il-seo said he was wrong with that expression and voice, his head became blank. He wanted to throw everything away and just hug him, he looked so pitiful and pretty.

Seung-yeon held Il-seo’s hand gripping his chest and lowered his head. He tried somehow to make eye contact but it wasn’t easy.

“Il-seo-ya. Look at me.”

Il-seo still wouldn’t meet his eyes. Seung-yeon massaged Il-seo’s hand, which felt much colder than before due to fever, and asked.

“Do you dislike me worrying about you?”

Il-seo’s answer was late. He wanted to say he disliked it but felt like he shouldn’t, so he couldn’t answer.

“Even though I’m your lover, your spouse, the person who has to be with you for life?”

When he softened his voice and asked soothingly, only then did Il-seo slowly raise his head.

“…I dislike it.”

At the stubborn answer delivered with such a pitiful expression, Seung-yeon finally silently swallowed a laugh. Il-seo, usually busy pretending to be mature and enduring, showed childlike appearances when intoxicated by pheromones or tipsy.

“Such stubbornness.”

Seung-yeon rolled his eyes, but he didn’t find Il-seo annoying. He just looked like a silly puppy because it was cute that he came all the way here wanting to resolve things, and because unlike usual he didn’t hold back and argued, which he found admirable. Il-seo, perhaps emboldened a bit more as Seung-yeon’s mood softened, began confessing more of his inner feelings.

“I was originally stronger than now, and I was good at running so I did relay races too… anyway I was really sturdy.”

“……”

“So I’m still not used to it. Others seeing me as weak and worrying.”

“Others?”

“No, hus, husband….”

Because the hastily added words were cute, Seung-yeon finally cut off his patience and pulled Il-seo strongly into his arms. He couldn’t be harsh to Il-seo anymore.

When Il-seo’s body, heated from alcohol, touched his own feverish body, a pleasant warmth spread. Il-seo, burying his face in the firm chest, said.

“But from now on I’ll tell you everything.”

“You really have to tell me everything.”

“Yes. Even every little scratch, I’ll really tell you everything. It might be too trivial and frequent… you might get sick of it, Sunbae.”

Though half was mixed with drunken rambling like talking to himself, Seung-yeon’s heart melted at the words admirable enough to make his heart ache. Though he regretted shedding tears in front of Il-seo, thinking he could now somewhat understand his feelings, he thought it was good he cried.

“Okay. Thank you for telling me that.”

While holding Il-seo, he buried his lips between the disheveled hair. With the hand cradling the back of his head, he gently scratched between the hair and nape.

“Should I make you a cup of warm tea?”

Il-seo nodded in his arms then added one more thing. Let’s hug for just 5 more minutes.

***

Seung-yeon brought chamomile tea that he had brewed. On TV, young Il-seo was still singing. Thinking that he had been watching this while sick with fever, Il-seo’s heart felt heavy for no reason. He sipped the tea while holding the mug with both hands. As the warmth traveled down his throat, he sobered up and his focus gradually sharpened.

Il-seo’s gaze grew heavy as he watched himself singing on the screen. There were dark bruises on the forearm playing the guitar. Seung-yeon had also been quiet since earlier. Il-seo turned his head slightly to look at Seung-yeon. Judging by Seung-yeon’s expression, which was also unpleasant with his gaze fixed on the screen, he seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“Still, back then. I was happy because you listened to my song, Sunbae.”

Seung-yeon slowly raised the corners of his lips. Seeing him hold back his answer, it seemed his mind was too complicated for a response to come readily. Il-seo hummed along to young Il-seo’s song, then skillfully layered harmonies at the end. Seung-yeon quietly enjoyed Il-seo’s singing, then turned his head toward Il-seo.

“Il-seo.”

“Yes.”

“If you could get pregnant again, would you want to have a baby?”

At this unexpectedly question unlike Seung-yeon, Il-seo, who had been lost in thought for a moment, slowly shook his head. Seung-yeon kept gazing at him quietly as if he needed an explanation, and Il-seo carefully opened his mouth after pondering each word on how to convey his complicated feelings.

“Rather than wanting to have a baby, I think it’s more accurate to say I had high expectations of becoming a healthy person.”

Unlike the somewhat heavy topic, Il-seo smiled softly and spoke in a calm voice.

“I have weak hormones and many organs removed, so they said I could never get pregnant again. If I had gotten pregnant naturally, I thought maybe I had become healthy now.”

Seung-yeon nodded from beside him, saying “Mm.” Even while talking about pregnancy, Seung-yeon didn’t get angry or show a fierce reaction like before. So Il-seo could speak his inner thoughts a bit more calmly.

“So when they said I wasn’t pregnant, I was hurt more than I expected. I thought it was an emotion you wouldn’t understand, sunbae, since you were negative about pregnancy itself from the beginning…, and as I hesitated to speak because I was scared alone, things ended up like this.”

Il-seo let out a low sigh as he recalled the moment Seung-yeon came to Jun-yong’s officetel. Seung-yeon took the cup Il-seo was holding, placed it on the table, then embraced Il-seo deeply into his arms. The sound of his sigh was very exhausted, showing how much mental anguish he had suffered.

Seung-yeon patted Il-seo’s back and slowly reflected on the words he had said to Il-seo. He had said it wasn’t a blessing for them, and told him not to have foolish thoughts. And he had definitely looked at Il-seo a little… fiercely.

He slowly separated the thin body from his embrace and made eye contact with Il-seo. When he faced the clear expression just looking up at him without saying anything, his insides twisted without immunity.

He thought that he had acted selfishly again without knowing what was inside this gentle guy’s heart. When he remembered Il-seo hastily continuing his words saying he was just imagining it while being intimidated, his chest ached. He regretted thinking that Il-seo must have recalled the harsh words he had thoughtlessly spouted when he hid his pregnancy before.

He should have held back a bit. He shouldn’t have cornered the guy who was already shocked.

“Ha….. Just let me get hit once.”

Seung-yeon, who muttered a curse at the end of the sentence and let out a long sigh, grabbed Il-seo’s hand and slapped his own face. It happened in an instant. The sound was louder than expected, so Il-seo’s eyes widened to their limit. Il-seo grabbed and pulled his hand away while stamping his feet.

“Why are you doing this…! What do we do, it’s, it’s red.”

Il-seo frowned and stroked the spot where Seung-yeon had slapped. There was a vivid red mark on his precious face. Il-seo bit his lower lip tightly and made a tearful expression as if upset.

“Don’t do that, seriously….”

Seung-yeon looked at his lovely, restless expression, then slowly lowered his gaze. Seung-yeon, who tilted his head diagonally, pressed his lips firmly on the prettily curled corner of his mouth. Seung-yeon’s lips, which had left a short kiss, gradually slid down, and the deep parts of both their lips interlocked without gap.

Seung-yeon’s lips were much hotter than usual. Il-seo felt resentful towards Seung-yeon, who had been suffering alone without saying anything, but he also understood why Seung-yeon had been angry with him, thinking that Seung-yeon must have been worried about him with these feelings.

For some reason, his nose felt tingly and hot, so he wrapped his arms around Seung-yeon’s neck and kissed him more deeply. He could feel Seung-yeon’s lips moving in an arc through their joined lips.

They exchanged kisses until they were quite out of breath, then pulled their faces apart. The black eyes looking at him were tinged with a different light, soaked in excitement. It was an enchanting face that made his fingertips and toes tingle just from looking at him.

“How can you look like this….”

His inner thoughts, which he didn’t usually reveal well, popped out due to the lingering intoxication. Seung-yeon burst into laughter, sounding dumbfounded. Il-seo also smiled awkwardly, but since he had already revealed his feelings, he added an honest word.

“I don’t want to get pregnant, but honestly, I am curious.”

“About what.”

“A baby that looks like you, Sunbae.”

“Ah, fuck. That’s disgusting.”

But Seung-yeon suddenly frowned and spat out a curse word. Il-seo, who was unfamiliar with him cursing so sincerely in front of him, quickly added an excuse.

“No…. It would be a waste to just let these genes rot.”

“What’s so wasteful about it.”

Seung-yeon wrinkled his nose and shook his head as if he didn’t understand. He knew from the beginning that Seung-yeon was negative about ‘babies’ themselves. Even before experiencing the miscarriage incident, he had casually said things like ‘being born is not a blessing’ or ‘a byproduct of sexual desire.’ In the end, Il-seo changed the subject while laughing so that Seung-yeon wouldn’t shudder more.

“Well, a baby that looks like me could be born too.”

A baby that looks like Lee Il-seo?

As he pondered Il-seo’s expression, Seung-yeon’s distorted brow gradually smoothed out. Then, a strangely flushed face turned towards Il-seo. His gaze lingered on Il-seo’s clear face for a long time, and then Seung-yeon suddenly pushed Il-seo’s chest hard.

“Uwah!”

“You’ve really been saying things that could cause big trouble since earlier.”

“What?”

Il-seo was pushed back by the sudden push and made a sound close to ‘eh.’ Seung-yeon swept back his fallen bangs and grumbled.

“How can you just say things like that. You don’t know how scary the world is.”

“What, what did I say?”

Looking at the aggrieved Il-seo, Seung-yeon closed his eyes tightly and threw back his head. He had already become hard below to the point his stomach hurt.

He desperately suppressed the desire to ejaculate deep inside that fair belly right away. When an Omega who only loves him says he wants to have a child resembling him while spreading a scent that drives people crazy, what Alpha wouldn’t go mad.

“Phew….”

Il-seo, who had quietly approached Seung-yeon who was exhaling deeply, wrapped both arms around his thick waist. The reaction of suddenly getting irritated was just bewildering. He pressed his body close and carefully asked.

“Why are you angry…? Did I make another slip of the tongue while talking about pregnancy?”

Seung-yeon acknowledged that he had been devastatingly defeated by Il-seo’s innocent seduction again today, and instead of answering, he pulled Il-seo tightly and let out a groaning sound from his throat.

“You’re really… sexy as hell.”

In the suddenly thickened pheromones, only intense excitement could be felt instead of anger. Although he still didn’t know which part excited him, Il-seo felt relieved belatedly by the answer that came across more clearly than any other words. Seung-yeon loved him endlessly.

“So you’re not angry….”

Instead of answering, Seung-yeon kissed the bridge of his nose. Seung-yeon’s pheromones tickled deep inside his belly. Until now, he had only felt regretful about having manifested as an Omega. However, thinking that he had become someone who could read Seung-yeon’s pheromones, he didn’t dislike it so much.

Sometimes even while holding him, there were times when he wanted to hold him more deeply, and even while touching him with his hands, there were times when he wanted to caress deeper inside. It was rather good that he could know Seung-yeon’s heart a bit closer and more deeply through these pheromones that were invisible to the eye.

Although he couldn’t release pheromones skillfully, Il-seo also leaned his cheek against his chest, hoping that his love for Seung-yeon would be conveyed.

Perhaps sensing the warm pheromones spreading around him, Seung-yeon laughed softly. Il-seo also smiled brightly and made eye contact. Before Seung-yeon could kiss him first, he leaned his body and lightly held the brightly smiling lips, and Seung-yeon also gave a tender kiss in response.

In the place where the young boy’s singing voice faintly resonated, the two people’s small laughter overlapped and flowed.