TMDP CH 49

Chapter 49: Love or Guilt

He softly kissed Xia Ye’s reddened eyes. Still shaken and vulnerable, Xia Ye had yet to fully return to his usual guarded demeanor.

Han Mingxiu held Xia Ye close, resting his chin on his shoulder as he silently caressed his back. After a moment, he finally spoke:

“About what you just said, those things in bed… my answers were all true. I love your passion, and I love your shyness. I love how you give yourself to me completely. But,” Han Mingxiu’s tone carried deep guilt, “I’m so sorry. I betrayed your trust and devotion…”

“Xiao Xia, this is all my fault. Please don’t think less of yourself. If anyone deserves to be looked down upon, it’s me. I’ve been so foolish, so useless, and so unworthy of you—or your forgiveness.”

“Senior, can you truly tell the difference between love and guilt?” Xia Ye suddenly asked. “Do you care for me because you feel you need to make amends?”

“It’s love. Not atonement,” Han Mingxiu replied firmly. “It’s because of love that I feel regret and guilt, but it’s never been about compensation.”

“I’ve always loved you. Back then, I foolishly severed my own feelings because of that ridiculous misunderstanding. The pain was like tearing my heart out—it never went away, not even after three years. After I drove you away, I thought about you every single day, and the more I thought, the more I hated you. That hatred grew over time, and by the time I saw you again after three years, I completely lost my mind. I wanted to hurt you because I thought you had hurt me. I wanted revenge. I wanted you to feel the same pain I did…”

Han Mingxiu’s voice was deep, his tone quiet. “Later, when I learned the truth, when I realized the undeserved suffering you endured because of me, I… I was so stupid. All I felt was guilt and remorse. I didn’t know how to make things right. How could I ever make up for such immense harm? I can’t undo the past. During your hardest times, you were all alone—burying your grandfather, raising Xiao Li… You made it through the most painful and difficult period without me. Now that you’re doing so well, what can I even offer you? I can’t even convince myself that you’d have any reason to still want me.”

Han Mingxiu’s voice choked slightly as he struggled to hold back tears. He refused to cry—what right did the one who inflicted harm have to cry?

“My pursuit of you now isn’t out of guilt,” he confessed painfully. “Xiao Xia, I’m sorry. I know I’m selfish. After doing so many terrible things, I still hope for your forgiveness. I even dare to dream of loving you again and of us building a home together.”

He took a few deep breaths to steady himself before continuing. “So, when I saw you not wearing the ring in the private dining room earlier, I panicked. I thought you’d finally made up your mind to leave me for good. I thought that after these three years, you’d seen even more clearly what a useless person I am.” Han Mingxiu held the person in his arms tighter, his voice thick with emotion. “Xia, I’m so scared. I keep saying how sorry I am and how much I love you, but I don’t know if my apologies mean anything. And I don’t know…”

Unable to hold back, a tear slipped down his face. He turned his head slightly, discreetly wiping it away on Xia Ye’s robe before whispering, “I don’t know if you still want my love.”

Xia Ye let out a long breath. His chest felt tight and achy. Listening to Han Mingxiu recount the past, he felt a pang of sorrow for his own loneliness back then. But seeing the remorseful, self-deprecating man before him now, his heart ached even more.

Nose stinging, Xia Ye wanted to lighten the heavy atmosphere. Pouting slightly, he muttered softly, “You’ve already had your way with me, so what’s the point of asking if I still want you…”

Xia Ye’s words instantly turned the somber mood ambiguous. Han Mingxiu froze for a moment before letting out a somewhat aggrieved sigh. “I came to provide comfort services,” he said pitifully. “And I even sold them for a million-dollar!”

He added, “Boss, my skills aren’t bad, right? Surely I’m worth more than just a million?”

Xia Ye pushed him away and sat up, feigning anger. “You’re raising the price on me now? I’m going to file a complaint. You even secretly marked me… Poor service.”

The two glared at each other for a moment before suddenly bursting into laughter.

Through Xia Ye’s relaxed smile, Han Mingxiu could tell that Xia Ye wasn’t truly angry or opposed to being marked. Relieved, he reached out to gently touch the wound on the back of Xia Ye’s neck. “I’m sorry—I couldn’t help myself…”

Lowering his head slightly, Xia Ye allowed Han Mingxiu to touch his gland, feeling the faint electric sensation that spread throughout his body. He murmured softly, “I didn’t ask you to hold back…” His softened expression stirred something within Han Mingxiu again.

His soft, yielding tone reignited a certain fire in Han Mingxiu.

The earlier melancholy was chased away by this playful interlude. Xia Ye’s laughter sparkled in his eyes, now misted over with joyful tears. Han Mingxiu laughed along with him, pulling Xia Ye closer and carefully supporting him, worried he might collapse from his own boneless relaxation.

The mood was just right, and Xia Ye decided it was time to address what needed to be said. His bright, watery eyes fixed seriously on Han Mingxiu. “Senior, I’ve thought about us for a long time. I’ve considered so many things. I’ll admit that I still love you… but I still resent you too. I’m not magnanimous enough to just forget everything. When I think about it…” He touched his left chest. “It still stings and hurts here. When it hurts too much—just like you said—I want to make you hurt too. What if I spend the rest of my life like this?”

Being allowed into Xia Ye’s room, experiencing intimacy with him again, and even reestablishing his mark—all of these showed Xia Ye’s willingness to accept him. But hearing Xia Ye confess his love aloud was something else entirely. It wasn’t a guess; it was his words.

Han Mingxiu looked at Xia Ye, surprised and gratified as if he had just received a long-coveted gift. The slight frown on Xia Ye’s face and his conflicted expression only made him seem more precious. “You won’t hurt me. Look at what I’ve already done to you. Even now, you’re still worried about hurting me. How could someone like you possibly harm anyone?” Han Mingxiu caressed Xia Ye’s face, his smile tinged with a sigh. “How can you be so silly? Even after everything, you’re still willing to love me?”

“Don’t make it sound so easy. I’m serious,” Xia Ye said earnestly, catching Han Mingxiu’s hand as it roamed across his face. “I came back this time because I wanted to try starting over with you. But… sometimes, it’s really hard.” He sighed in frustration. “When I don’t see you, I miss you. But when I do, I get angry so easily. Look at these past few months. Haven’t I always been snide and barbed? Sometimes I do it on purpose, but most of the time, I don’t even realize it. It’s only when I see you looking awkward or upset that I realize I’ve probably gone too far again.”

Xia Ye sighed again. “You hurt me, and we can’t seem to move past that. You’re always tiptoeing around me, and I’m constantly putting on airs. Neither of these postures reflects what it truly means to love someone. And they’re certainly not what drew us to each other in the first place.”

“I liked the senior who was proud and confident, shining like a star with his own light. He was dazzling, sometimes oblivious, and sometimes ridiculously romantic. He could be silly at times, but most of the time, he was clever. He guided me, and even when he took the wrong path, he’d laugh it off, find his bearings, and start anew. He had faith in finding the right path and doing the right thing. He knew so much, could do so much, and yet never hesitated or faltered.”

Xia Ye watched Han Mingxiu, who was blushing from being so moved, and suddenly shifted his tone. “I wonder, what kind of Xia Ye does Senior like?”

“I like everything about you…” Han Mingxiu quickly replied.

Xia Ye shrugged and interrupted with a grin. “I know I have plenty of lovable traits. I’m so adorable—who wouldn’t like me?” He tilted his head, his playful smile making Han Mingxiu laugh along. Xia Ye truly was adorable, no need to boast.

“But I doubt the Xia Ye you like includes traits like being bitter, petty, or willful, right? Don’t tell me you can accept those. Maybe for a while, but just for a while. Do you only want me for a while? Or are you planning to spend a lifetime with me this time?”

“…” Of course, for a lifetime.

Han Mingxiu opened his mouth to speak but hesitated. He hadn’t thought of how to respond to Xia Ye’s concerns. All he had focused on was getting him back and dreaming of building a family together. But from Xia Ye’s words, it was clear that he had thought seriously about their future. Han realized he needed to think just as seriously—he couldn’t offer shallow or perfunctory words in return.

“Senior, we can’t turn the page on our past no matter how hard we try. But I don’t want it to affect us anymore. I don’t know what to do. Can you teach me?” Xia Ye spoke helplessly about his conflicted feelings. He couldn’t bring himself to forgive, but neither could he bring himself to let go of Han Mingxiu.

Han Mingxiu sat quietly for a few minutes, still holding Xia Ye’s hand. He squeezed his palm, tracing each of his fingers gently before finally speaking. “I understand your worries. You’re afraid that I’ll only endure your negative emotions, and that one day, I’ll grow tired of it and give up, right? You’re afraid of being abandoned by your Alpha again, or that I might get angry and use marking to control or manipulate you, aren’t you?”

Xia Ye pursed his lips, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly as if swallowing down the guilt of being seen through so clearly.

“You’re waiting for the day I explode, even if it’s subconscious. Maybe, because of human nature, you might even test my limits intentionally, trying to make me snap earlier.”

Xia Ye remained silent, his guilty expression confirming Han Mingxiu’s words.

“But these issues aren’t exclusive to us. Every couple in the world faces them—they’re just more explicit for us. Do you think couples who love each other peacefully for a lifetime don’t have to put up with anything? Oh, I misspoke. It’s not about putting up with things; it’s about mutual tolerance.”

“You tolerate the mistakes I’ve made in the past and…” Han Mingxiu coughed lightly. “…any dumb mistakes I might make in the future. I’ll tolerate your bad temper and sharp words. It’s mutual, so don’t feel pressured.”

Han Mingxiu’s voice softened as he reassured the anxious Xia Ye. “The deeper your love, the greater the pain I caused you back then. The more it hurt, the more you need to vent. To me, every instance of your venting is proof of your love for me. Treat it like medicine—bitter medicine. We’ll endure it together.”

“What if I get really mean when I’m upset?” Xia Ye frowned. “I didn’t come back to get revenge. I sincerely want to build a family and a life with you. But sometimes, the darkness in my heart creeps up, and I’m scared I’ll end up hurting you, making things difficult for you, or losing my temper at you. What if I become so awful?”

He suddenly mimicked the shrill voice of a soap opera character they had seen at a food stall last month, saying, “What’s your favorite dish on the table? The braised ribs? Oh, so you don’t like the sweet-and-sour fish? But I made the sweet-and-sour fish… Wait, now you don’t like the braised ribs anymore? Well, guess what? I cooked the ribs, but the fish is store-bought!”

Xia Ye’s frown deepened. “What if I turn into that kind of lunatic?”

His question echoed the one he’d asked earlier in bed.

“…Wait,” Han Mingxiu said, his expression complicated. “You can cook?”

“…” Xia Ye’s face went blank. “That’s not the point.”

Han Mingxiu chuckled. “Alright, alright. If you ever turn into that kind of person, I’ll prove to you that I’ll remember every one of your signature dishes. I’ll remember the temperature, flavors, and seasonings you use. As long as you cook it, I’ll love it—and I’ll eat it all.”

He leaned closer to Xia Ye’s ear and whispered, “Just like your earlier question—whether you’re passionate or shy—I’ll show you that I love it all. I’ll f*cking love it.”

Blushing, Xia Ye tugged on Han Mingxiu’s ear and scolded, “Speak properly!”

🌟 Announcement 🌟

Dear readers,

The story of The Million-Dollar Plaything Chapter 50 will mark the end of the main storyline. It’s been an incredible journey bringing this novel to you, and I deeply appreciate your continued support and love for the story.

Stay tuned as I’ll also include a special chapter as a treat for everyone who has followed along!

Thank you for being part of this journey with me.

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– End of chapter –

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