US 2 Part 3

When the pastor’s sermon ended, the warden’s sermon began. At some point, I had frozen like ice. I rolled my eyes around and asked Curtis.

“Hey. My face is pretty noticeable right now, isn’t it?”

“Of course. If you wanted to put a picture in the encyclopedia for the meaning of ‘black and blue,’ your face right now would be perfect.”

“Yeah. Right.”

I felt relieved after that foolish confirmation. Because our eyes kept meeting. His and mine, that doctor guy’s. It was a relief to know it wasn’t just my imagination that I stood out.

At the end of his speech, the warden wanted to pass the microphone to the doctor. But when the doctor smoothly declined, the warden withdrew the offer without showing any sign of displeasure. As if the warden were in a lower position on the social ladder, where age didn’t matter. A little strange, isn’t it?

***

On the way back to the cell. I accompanied Curtis to a safe point before we parted. I was slowly sucking on the chocolate snack, trying to make it last. And like someone with the intelligence of a fish, I had forgotten.

It was only when I got to the cell, only after I saw Tony Kenner, that I remembered. That I had spied on that strange scene involving him and then fled.

But as it happened, he had no particular reaction. I moved with shallow breaths. I was gingerly climbing up to the top bunk.

“Do you believe in omnipotence?”

My shoulders flinched. I instinctively checked the front of my shirt. It wouldn’t do to drop crumbs on the bed. I felt around my mouth for any crumbs. Just before turning my head, I even ran my tongue over my teeth and then answered.

“What…”

Tony Kenner gestured with his chin. He was pointing to the pamphlet and other papers in my hand.

“Ah.”

So it was just the start of a trivial conversation. A wave of relief, so strong I felt like I could piss myself, washed over me. An unexpected, thin smile escaped me. I didn’t confirm that Tony Kenner was staring, but I could feel his gaze move slowly from my eyes to my lips. It was a strange sensation, as if I were being touched.

“That this could be so delicious, that’s what I believe. I don’t think I’ve had one of these since I was about eight years old. I can’t believe this snack company hasn’t gone bankrupt yet. Whoa. It was a time of such enlightenment.”

I showed him the wrapper, smoothed out flat as if it had been ironed on top of the pamphlet. As if I couldn’t bring myself to throw away the wrapper of a snack I’d enjoyed so much. Thinking it was bullshit, perhaps, Tony Kenner turned his head away.

He didn’t bring up the fact that our eyes had met in the Protestant chaplain’s office. Anyway, was that the longest conversation I’d had with Tony Kenner since I arrived? Just now? It was the moment I placed a hand over my racing heart.

A guard stuck his face in. He was one of the ones who called you by name instead of the soul-crushing inmate number.

“Manuel Oh.”

“Yep.”

If there were guards who gave you a bad feeling, there were also decent ones. This man was one of the good ones. He held up a clipboard and asked.

“Are you going to sign up for the counseling psychology program or not? I thought I saw your face in the auditorium earlier?”

“How did you know? Were you back there too, Unit Manager?”

I just said it to be friendly. I hopped down and slipped on my shoes. The door was left open, so I hooked my arm through the overlapping holes of the bars and swayed. But an unexpected answer came back.

“Dr. Chris asked for you himself. By name.”

“Me?”

I bit the tip of my tongue and stretched my neck out. The memo on the clipboard was slightly exposed. Let’s see, starting with the Latino who has some unfortunate rumors going around him…

“When you say he asked for me by name, you don’t mean my intake cohort… and among them, the ones who haven’t filed any reports of internal misconduct but suddenly have injuries on their bodies…”

The guard held the clipboard tight against his shoulder. He quickly hid the contents and pressed me.

“Being too quick on the uptake isn’t always helpful in life. So, are you not going to do it?”

“I will. I’ll do it. Yep.”

In fact, I had already done everything that needed to be written down in the auditorium. Pretending to listen to the sermon, I had diligently filled in all the blanks. Thanks to that, all I had to do was sign ‘Manuel Oh’ and hand it over immediately.

“I’ll hand out the copies tomorrow.”

“Yep.”

The guard was about to leave, but he stopped and looked at Tony Kenner. In his gaze, I saw… a sort of respectful distance. Not great respect, but more like the feeling of a trekker carefully choosing his path when entering a national park where a bear lives.

He suddenly asked me.

“You’re not thinking of requesting a cell transfer, are you?”

He hadn’t said it to hear an answer. He left before I could even blink once, as if he didn’t want to hear it.

“Good. Yep. That’s that.”

And then he was gone. I shrugged. I didn’t think much of it.

And the moment I turned around, our eyes met. Tony Kenner held my gaze. An abnormal number of seconds ticked by.

I couldn’t stand this kind of silence. I fidgeted with the pamphlet and spoke first.

“I don’t know why they only put this in the Protestant chapel. Anyway. There was this. It mentions that a history of participating in the program will be viewed favorably in parole hearings. It seems they’re taking new guys first for now, but I’m sure they’ll gradually increase the number of participants.”

I awkwardly held out the packet of papers like a wave. Of course, there was no way Tony Kenner would react. Doubly embarrassed, I waved it back and held it against my stomach.

“Yep. I’ll be quiet.”

As I turned my foot to climb up to my bunk, he stopped me. He asked from his seat at the desk.

“Do you think it’s a good idea? Participating in the counseling.”

Is today a day for conversation? I grabbed the ladder so my legs wouldn’t give out. I carefully asked back.

“Was it a hasty decision?”

But right before my eyes, Tony Kenner shifted his posture. He rested his forearms on the backrest and sat backwards with his legs spread. It was a posture that said he was determined to talk.

“No. You must do it.”

What does that mean? Words, even very short ones, were confusing when heard with tense ears. So just now, he had spat out a modal verb of strong conviction, expressing necessity, obligation, and compulsion, right?

“I don’t understand what you mean…”

“You are to memorize the contents of your counseling sessions and report them to me.”

I was stunned. I couldn’t even manage a proper retort.

“Why…”

“Do I look like someone who enjoys variables?”

“No.”

Tony Kenner’s world had to be the same every day. A daily life of neat rows and sharp angles.

“But then you came along. Wearing the corpse of an albatross around your neck, I see.”

For someone non-religious, he certainly used a lot of religious idioms. A stumbling block that had rolled into a long-laid plan, a burden on the soul, or a stroke of bad luck. A line written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge in The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

I swallowed dryly. I knew The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. But I had no idea how it applied to my situation, not a single clue as to its interpretation.

Regardless of what I thought, Tony Kenner spoke.

“This thing you’re doing, hiding in my shadow… I’ll let it continue.”