WANL Ch 13

I shouldn’t have trusted a man like this.

A man who promises nothing.

Ꮺ

After witnessing the “first time,” I couldn’t sleep well. The extreme lack of sleep left my mouth dry and uncomfortable.

In the end, Hyunjae headed to the kitchen to drink some water. He drank several glasses in a row, but he didn’t feel any relief.

“How did you hurt your hand?”

Nanyeong asked. Hyunjae’s hand, as he was pouring water, was wrapped in a bandage he hadn’t seen before.

“I was moving a mirror and accidentally broke it.”

“You should be more careful.”

Hyunjae responded to Nanyeong’s words with silence.

“So that’s what’s changed—it’s the mirror that’s missing. I’ll have someone bring a new one.”

Nanyeong said as he looked toward the spot where the mirror used to hang. Hyunjae simply nodded.

The upcoming weekend was the trip Nanyeong and Hyunjae had planned.

Just yesterday, Nanyeong had said it would probably be hard to meet this week. He mentioned work had piled up because he had suddenly taken leave.

But today, he unexpectedly showed up at the studio apartment, saying he had some time and wanted to see him. For some reason, that explanation didn’t stir any feelings in Hyunjae. He had only managed to get up and change clothes because Nanyeong was coming over.

Underneath his clothes, faint hives had spread over his skin. Starting from his solar plexus and gradually creeping up to his nape, the rash looked like the physical evidence of tears he’d forced back.

Is this what they call a stress-induced illness?

“Have you packed your things? Since the destination is in the south, you’ll need to pack lightly.”

Nanyeong had already entered the dressing room and was sorting through clothes. It seemed he intended to personally pick out what Hyunjae should wear for this trip as well. Since Hyunjae had no reason to refuse, he stayed silent, simply observing Nanyeong bustling around outside the dressing room. Despite how busy he must have been meeting that other man daily, Hyunjae couldn’t fathom why he’d bother to “do him the favor” of going on a trip.

But deciding it was meaningless to figure him out, Hyunjae averted his gaze.

“Honestly, you don’t need to pack too much. Most things will already be on the yacht. It’s a six-star one, they say.”

“……”

“Oh, but you don’t have a swimsuit, do you? We’ll need to buy a few.”

A moment later, Nanyeong emerged from the room, apparently having chosen all the outfits he wanted Hyunjae to wear. His expression was slightly buoyant, seemingly filled with anticipation for the trip, entirely oblivious to Hyunjae’s subdued demeanor.

Nanyeong approached close enough that they could have kissed right then. He pressed his body so close that their chests touched, prompting Hyunjae to instinctively place his hands around Nanyeong’s waist and hold him.

Just as their lips were about to meet, Nanyeong’s eyes widened slightly in surprise.

“What happened to your lips?”

His fingers gently grazed Hyunjae’s lips, where a dark red scab had formed. His cautious touch, as if worried about causing pain, felt strangely tender.

“It’ll heal soon.”

Hyunjae didn’t explain. He replied in a way that suggested it wasn’t worth worrying about, but the concern in Nanyeong’s eyes didn’t fade. The way he examined him so closely from such a near distance made Hyunjae’s heart flutter despite himself.

What was most devastating, even in this situation, was that he still found Nanyeong utterly lovable.

As Hyunjae’s eyelashes trembled slightly, Nanyeong, staring intently, asked,

“You’re not sick, are you?”

“…I’m fine.”

“You don’t look well.”

“……”

“Will you be okay for the trip? With your hand like that… and it’s by the sea. If the wound gets wet, it might get worse.”

Is he worried about me as a person—or about a replacement not doing its job properly?

Suppressing the twisted emotions inside, Hyunjae bit down on Nanyeong’s lips. He gently nibbled on his upper lip and softly sucked on it. Without hesitation, Nanyeong entwined his arms around Hyunjae’s firm neck and clung to him. Their lips met naturally, even more seamlessly than their breathing.

Pulling back for a moment, Hyunjae spoke.

“I’m fine. I’ll definitely go.”

Seemingly satisfied with that answer, Nanyeong smiled faintly and leaned in for another kiss. His lips were as soft as whipped cream, his tongue within sweet. Nanyeong’s tongue intertwined boldly, exploring the inside of Hyunjae’s mouth with a surprising assertiveness. Holding his cheek, Hyunjae narrowed his eyes.

For someone who used to act like he’d never kissed before, he’d become quite skilled.

It was clear he had gained this experience using Hyunjae.

If he were to take this ripened body to find true love…

That might be something Hyunjae couldn’t forgive.

“Ah…”

Nanyeong let out a short cry, pulling away from his lips. A faint trace of blood appeared on the tip of his tongue, bitten by teeth.

“What the hell? That hurts.”

“Sorry. I guess I was distracted.”

“……”

“Hyung, take revenge.”

Hyunjae stuck out his tongue playfully as if inviting him, but Nanyeong only chuckled in disbelief.

“It’s fine. It doesn’t hurt that much anyway.”

Of course.

No matter how Hyunjae acted, he probably wouldn’t care. Because he didn’t love him. He could step over him with a look of disdain, brush him off as filth, and rid himself of him without a second thought.

But Hyunjae wasn’t like that.

That night, holding Nanyeong in his arms, Hyunjae found fleeting peace. Watching the man shiver and moan under his touch, parting his legs so naturally, Hyunjae wondered if this might be enough. For the duration of their time together, he could forget everything, indulging in the delusion that this moment would last forever.

A small part of him was tempted to keep up the facade, to keep playing along with this sweet charade, just as he had so far.

But Hyunjae knew he couldn’t endure that treatment in his right mind. He wasn’t a doll; he was a real person living in reality.

The next day, as usual, Nanyeong prepared to leave for work. “Bye. I’ll see you later.” When Nanyeong walked out and the door shut, leaving Hyunjae alone inside, a heavier gloom settled over him. Until the next time they met, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep properly again.

There was no way he could endure this life for much longer, not now that he knew the full truth.

He should’ve known the moment his fist slammed into the mirror, shattering it, as he glimpsed the man’s reflection superimposed on his own.

Though he showed no outward signs, Hyunjae knew he was breaking apart from the inside out.

He hated everything that reflected his face. Even when stepping into the walk-in closet to dress for an outing, he felt the urge to tear apart every piece of clothing Nanyeong had bought him.

If Nanyeong kept leaving him alone like this for longer stretches…

He might completely lose his mind. Like a doll that only functioned properly when Nanyeong was there, falling apart the moment he left.

Ꮺ

Up until the day of their trip, Nanyeong continued to send messages. Most were trivial—what time they’d leave, what time he’d come to pick him up, that he’d bought swimsuits, or how he wished he could see him briefly if he weren’t so far away.

Hyunjae replied diligently to Nanyeong’s messages, thinking how their conversations seemed almost like those between lovers.

[Is there anything you want as a gift?]

You’re my gift, Hyung.

Hyunjae typed out the response but erased it quickly. Even expressing affection openly felt repellent now.

A gift.

If there was something he wanted, perhaps it was to pretend to be Nanyeong’s real lover on this trip, which might very well be their last. Just while aboard the small cruise cutting through the vast sea. If Nanyeong wasn’t in a bad mood, maybe he’d play along with him.

On the day of departure, a sleek black car pulled into the underground parking lot of the officetel. Hyunjae packed everything he needed into a single Boston bag and climbed into the car.

“Hey.”

Nanyeong greeted him in a lazy voice. He looked somewhat drowsy, and Hyunjae noticed a faint whiff of alcohol coming from him.

“You smell like alcohol…”

Hyunjae murmured softly as the car door closed and they started moving. Nanyeong looked slightly surprised, as if caught off guard.

“Last night’s drinks went on longer than I expected. I didn’t get much sleep.”

I’m going to nap for a bit. With that, Nanyeong leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.

Hyunjae, who had spent the previous night restless with anticipation for what might be their last trip, felt a pang of melancholy as he realized it was just an insignificant event to someone like Nanyeong.

The car traveled for a long time before arriving at a port near the lower reaches of the Han River. The luxury cruise ship, built to accommodate only a few dozen select passengers, was a sight to behold.

Nanyeong had rented it out entirely for the two of them.

As the sea breeze ruffled his hair, Hyunjae boarded the ship. The staff greeted them courteously with welcome drinks. From the deck’s swimming pool and jacuzzi to the atmospheric bar and the lavish cabins inside, it was truly a six-star hotel on water. Even Hyunjae, who hadn’t expected much from the cruise, found himself marveling at the scene.

Would you like to explore the ship further? a crew member asked, and Hyunjae nodded. But Nanyeong, suffering from a hangover, shook his head.

“I need sleep. Wake me up around dinner.”

He headed straight to the cabin. Hyunjae wasn’t even disappointed by his consistent indifference. He was merely struck by the contrast—someone who could spend billions to charter a luxury cruise but saw no point in actually enjoying it, instead prioritizing a nap.

Perhaps the gap between them was one that could never be bridged.

“I’ll rest too,” Hyunjae told the crew, who left the room with polite words wishing him a pleasant rest.

Hyunjae followed Nanyeong into the luxurious bedroom. By the time he entered, Nanyeong had already shed his jacket and was lying on the bed in just his shirt. When Hyunjae perched on the edge of the opposite bed, Nanyeong asked,

“Are you planning to sleep too?”

“No. I just want to stay by your side.”

Nanyeong smiled faintly and motioned for him to come closer.

As Hyunjae leaned in, Nanyeong reached out, pulling him by the nape of his neck and stroking the back of his head. The warmth and softness in Nanyeong’s gaze and smile exuded an undeniable tenderness. Sensing that Nanyeong wanted a kiss, Hyunjae pressed his lips to the corner of his eye.

Even in this sweet moment, deep within Hyunjae’s heart, warmth and despair coexisted, blossoming simultaneously.

“Sleep, Hyung.”

“I want to sleep holding you.”

At Nanyeong’s words, Hyunjae silently removed his top and lay down beside him. Nanyeong clung to Hyunjae, gently stroking his chest.

“Hyung, thank you.”

“For what? If there’s anything you want, just say the word.”

“Okay.”

“Spending money on you never feels like a waste.”

Instead of replying, Hyunjae pressed a soft kiss onto Nanyeong’s forehead.

“What if what I want can’t be bought with money?”

At that question, Nanyeong’s hand froze, as if trying to grasp the meaning behind it.

“Do you feel guilty about spending so much money on me?”

“Do I have something to apologize for?”

Even while rubbing his sleepy eyes, Nanyeong refuted clearly, as if he bore no guilt. At his shamelessness, Hyunjae decided not to probe further.

Staring at the ceiling, Hyunjae grabbed Nanyeong’s wrist to stop him from continuing to touch his chest. Nanyeong softly apologized for being bothersome, but that wasn’t the reason. Hyunjae was afraid he might notice how fast his heart was racing beneath his skin.

Burying his face in Nanyeong’s neck, Hyunjae whispered.

“My wish is…”

“…”

“For you to treat me like your lover.”

“…”

“Please treat me like your lover. Like you really love me…”

It was something he said, fully prepared for the possibility that Nanyeong might turn cold.

However, Nanyeong slowly blinked his eyes before responding calmly.

“Yeah, I did say you’re the type for romance.”

“Yes.”

“Because it’s your birthday?”

“Yes. Just here, just now.”

Hyunjae met Nanyeong’s gaze. At this moment, he thought it was okay to expose all his feelings, the love and lingering desires roiling within him, plainly on his face.

Nanyeong stared at Hyunjae with an unreadable, emotionless expression before closing his eyes, as if it didn’t matter.

“Alright, fine.”

For some reason, Nanyeong’s breathing seemed slightly uneven. The tips of his ears, flushed red, almost seemed like he was embarrassed.

Though Hyunjae doubted it could be true, he couldn’t help indulging in the delusion. After all, this kind of happy misunderstanding would only happen this one last time.

“I’m not very good at this. You might not believe me, but I don’t have much experience with dating… don’t be disappointed.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Even if it was a relationship with an expiration date, it was enough. Just once, he wanted to be Nanyeong’s real lover. Until now, he’d adapted to however Nanyeong led things, so couldn’t he, just this once, indulge himself?

After sleeping for a while, embracing each other, they woke to find the outside world bathed in the hues of sunset. The cruise was heading south and was scheduled to dock in Shanghai in two days. The distant sea appeared as calm and solid as land.

“Champagne, please.”

Sipping his aperitif, Nanyeong’s hair was slightly disheveled, a mark of having fallen asleep without care for how he looked. Seeing this, Hyunjae smiled. Their eyes met, and Nanyeong awkwardly set his glass down.

“Drinking again after all that alcohol yesterday?”

At Hyunjae’s comment, Nanyeong chuckled.

“Now that you mention it, I don’t really feel like drinking. Do you want to finish this for me?”

“Sure.”

Hyunjae took the glass from him, then moved from his seat across the table to sit beside Nanyeong. Without letting him lift a finger, Hyunjae cut his food, fed it to him, licked the sauce off his fingertips, and took the food he didn’t like onto his own plate. Even though Nanyeong had grown up as a pampered heir, he seemed unaccustomed to such dedicated service.

“Is this your idea of pretending to be a lover? You’re more like a dad than a boyfriend.”

“Hyung’s father said that?”

At Hyunjae’s words, Nanyeong looked utterly dumbfounded, as if at a loss for words. Though he scolded Hyunjae not to make him out to be some unfilial son, Nanyeong didn’t tell him to stop pretending they were lovers.

As they nibbled on the meringue served for dessert, the sun fully set. Fireworks exploded over the swimming pool that shimmered softly under neon lights. The sea breeze, gentle waves, distant stars, and nearby lights all poured down over the two. Nanyeong seemed to shiver slightly, chilled by the ocean breeze. With his arm tenderly wrapped around Nanyeong’s shoulder, Hyunjae admired the lights decorating the sky.

Perhaps it was the surreal atmosphere, but Nanyeong leaned his head against Hyunjae’s shoulder without hesitation. Like a real couple.

It felt as if they were the only two left in the vast ocean.

If only time could stop like this.

Savoring what might be their last moment, Hyunjae closed his eyes, overcome by an aching sense of longing.

These were days filled only with affection and warmth. Up until the eve of his birthday, Hyunjae poured every ounce of the love he wanted to express onto Nanyeong. Perhaps Nanyeong absorbed some of it as well. The wary look in his eyes when he gazed at Hyunjae had completely vanished. He smiled often and leaned into him easily, making Hyunjae wonder if he had always been this tender a person.

Thanks to that, even for a fleeting moment, Hyunjae was able to enjoy a heart-squeezing kind of happiness.

Occasionally, Nanyeong’s moist, glistening gaze would overflow with affection when he looked at Hyunjae. If it wasn’t a delusion, Hyunjae thought he had seen that glow of emotion again—the one Nanyeong had once shown only through his eyes. The same look he gave when, drunk, he mistook Hyunjae for Yoo Jihoon.

It was the night before they were to dock at their destination. In celebration of Hyunjae’s birthday, the cruise chefs presented a feast along with a gorgeously decorated birthday cake. Candles were placed, and flames were lit. But before Hyunjae could blow them out, the sea breeze extinguished them. It happened again and again, making Nanyeong burst into laughter.

“We could move it inside—should I have it set up indoors?”

At the crew member’s suggestion, Hyunjae shook his head. Nanyeong’s hair, still wet from swimming before dinner, was disheveled by the sea breeze, and it was beautiful. He wanted to keep admiring it as it was.

In the end, the two sang a birthday song together with the unlit candles still on the cake. Nanyeong, humming the tune, looked impossibly happy, as if no trace of deceit could exist on his face.

“Hyung, thank you. I don’t think I’ll ever forget tonight.”

“…Me too.”

Nanyeong gave a faint smile.

“Once we leave the yacht, it’s over, right?”

“What is?”

“The couple act.”

At the word “act,” the expression on Nanyeong’s face slowly faded.

“Did you really have to say it out loud?”

Sighing lightly, Nanyeong continued.

“There’s still some time left. Let’s keep things pleasant until we disembark…”

“I know you don’t need my love, Hyung.”

At that, Nanyeong hesitated and looked up. The words of a close friend, “Someone will want to love you, Nanyeong,” overlapped with Hyunjae’s voice in his mind.

Fixing his gaze on Nanyeong’s suddenly subdued face, Hyunjae took hold of his wrist and brought it toward him. Even as the sea breeze hit them head-on, his skin was warm, and his heartbeat was fierce beneath it. The pulse was irregular and erratic.

Every time Nanyeong blinked or his fingers brushed against him unconsciously, Hyunjae’s heart still beat recklessly, as if it had forgotten how to beat normally.

“I love you.”

“Hyunjae.”

“I love you so much, Hyung, I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“……”

“Don’t scold me. I didn’t want this either.”

“……”

“When we leave the yacht, can’t you make me your real lover?”

Hyunjae confessed his love in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Ha…”

The first sound to come was a long sigh.

Nanyeong slowly withdrew his wrist from Hyunjae’s grip, then buried his face in his hands as if in torment. It was clearly the reaction of someone hearing something they didn’t want to hear.

“Still, I thought you’d be smarter than this.”

The last sliver of hope disappeared in the face of the expected reaction.

Accepting Nanyeong’s response as it was, Hyunjae felt as though his very soul was being shattered. It was like watching the quiet death of the worst love of his life, and the most passionate emotion he had ever felt.

“I don’t like kids like you—‘kids’ who can’t understand even after being told once.”

“……”

“Didn’t we come to a mutual agreement? If I were you, instead of clinging like this, I’d have given you one incredible night, gotten myself a Porsche or a house in my name, and then walked away cleanly when the feelings faded. You could’ve just kept quiet, taken everything you could from me, and left cleanly once the emotions were gone.”

Unable to suppress his words, Nanyeong let everything spill out. What began as cold criticism gradually turned into an imploring tone.

“Right now, it might feel like love is everything. But feelings fade over time. If you leave them alone, they’ll fizzle out on their own…”

As he preached a logic even he had failed to prove with his own life, Hyunjae calmly interrupted him.

“That’s what makes it love—because it doesn’t go the way you want.”

Nanyeong realized that persuading him any further was pointless.

“Hyunjae, I want to stay with you for a long, long time.”

“……”

“Does being lovers matter that much? I don’t think it does.”

“……”

“You can control yourself if you try. Stop acting like a child.”

Telling someone to suppress their love was absurd no matter who heard it, but Nanyeong genuinely believed it was possible. He truly thought self-restraint was achievable. And he blamed Hyunjae for not even attempting it.

But Hyunjae scoffed at that attitude.

“For a long, long time, as a substitute.”

Hearing those words, Nanyeong’s eyes slowly widened.

“For how long exactly?”

“You…”

“How long were you planning to use me?”

Hyunjae wanted Nanyeong to feel shocked.

What kind of reaction would he have, knowing that Hyunjae was aware of everything?

Even before the trip, Hyunjae had been curious. If Nanyeong confessed that it wasn’t intentional and showed remorse, perhaps his anger would subside a little. Maybe, if he apologized and said he’d try to love him, they could still make things work…

But that was nothing more than an unrealistic fantasy.

The moment Nanyeong realized everything had been exposed, he responded with silence.

As the shock wore off, his eyes sank into a cold calm. A chill spread over the table where the birthday cake had been placed.

Resigned, Hyunjae lowered his trembling eyelids.

“How long did you think you could keep it a secret?”

“……”

“You want to stay with me for a long time as a substitute? I guess I was pretty satisfactory. Makes sense—when I look at myself, even I think the resemblance is uncanny.”

“…Don’t overdo it with the blame. Don’t act like you’re the victim here.”

“Blame? Does this sound like blame to you?”

“Then what did you lose in all of this?”

“Hyung.”

“You should at least acknowledge that thanks to me, you’ve experienced things you never could have in your life. Your current lifestyle, your mother’s hospital bills—don’t forget whose wallet all of that came from.”

Hyunjae clenched his trembling hands tightly.

“So, it all comes back to money. How is it that everything you say… is always like this?”

It was already a night of unbearable pain, being rejected by the person he loved. And now, Hyunjae had to witness the ugliest side of that person—selfish, materialistic, calculating. A man so immature that he lashed out in hostility just because his flaws had been exposed.

But what hurt Hyunjae the most was that, even now, he still wanted to kiss that face. He still wanted to embrace that cruel man tightly enough to hurt, kiss him while choking him, hold him so firmly that he couldn’t breathe, and push him to the point where he begged.

An intense emotion swirled inside Hyunjae’s heart, making it hard to distinguish between love and hatred.

“Hyunjae. Let’s end this here.”

It was a declaration that this relationship was over.

Hyunjae scrutinized Nanyeong’s bowed face.

“The way a fake crawls up… it’s disgusting.”

With trembling hands, Nanyeong reached for a cigarette and lit it.

After finishing one slowly, Nanyeong left Hyunjae behind and returned to the cabin.

Hyunjae silently stared at the empty spot Nanyeong left behind. He thought he’d break down sobbing the moment he turned his back, but unexpectedly, he felt calm.

Hyunjae struggled to accept the reality that this moment had finally come. Perhaps it was a predetermined conclusion. From the moment he saw the man who resembled him, he had foreseen this outcome.

Hoping for an unexpected happy ending had been his own greed, and Nanyeong had been Nanyeong from start to finish.

After a while, Hyunjae picked up the cigarette Nanyeong had left behind and put it to his lips. Not being a smoker, it took him several tries to light it, shielding it from the wind with his hand. Eventually, he managed to light the cigarette.

As he took a puff, he felt a hazy sensation wash over him. It felt similar to being drunk.

Was this the feeling Nanyeong always experienced when smoking?

Out of habit, Hyunjae thought of Nanyeong as he unlocked his phone.

There were photos of Nanyeong there—ones he had secretly taken because Nanyeong hated having his picture taken so much. He remembered exactly when and with what feelings he had taken each one.

As he carefully looked through those cherished photos, Hyunjae picked out a few that he thought were the most beautiful.

Ꮺ

The cruise trip ended in a mess. At the port of call, Nanyeong boarded a plane back to Seoul alone. He didn’t spare a thought for how Hyunjae, left behind on the cruise, might feel.

Uncomfortable emotions gnawed at him. The sweet voice that had pleaded for him to pretend to be a lover, the affectionate eyes that had looked at him in fleeting moments, and the tearful face he had last seen—all of it was impossible to forget.

Regret arose because he hadn’t expected things to end this way. It was like chopping down the hands they had been holding gently with an axe. Was there really no better way?

The resentment in Nanyeong’s heart grew even more unbearable.

There could have been a more mature way—letting go of each other’s hands softly, with kindness…

This is why kids don’t work.

They’re too emotional.

In a few days, Jihoon’s film shoot would begin. There was an overseas location, so Jihoon would leave soon after the crank-in. There wasn’t much time left to see him, and yet he had wasted that precious time, only to face this disaster.

To clear his head, Nanyeong sent Jihoon a message.

[Jihoon, I’m in Seoul. Are you free today?]

It didn’t take long for a reply to come. Jihoon eagerly agreed to meet, and seeing his message, Nanyeong got ready to go out.

However, when he arrived, Jihoon wasn’t alone. Seeing a familiar face sitting next to him, Nanyeong couldn’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment.

‘Brought her along again.’

Still, he didn’t let his disappointment show as he walked in.

Jihoon’s girlfriend, who noticed him first, gave him a slight nod in greeting.

“Oh, Nanyeong. You’re here?”

Jihoon had often used Nanyeong to avoid the attention of reporters. Meeting his girlfriend alone frequently led to scandals and other troublesome situations, so Jihoon regularly brought Nanyeong along to their outings.

That was why their recent meetings had become more frequent. Jihoon, wary of reporters tailing his dates, often called on Nanyeong. Meeting as a group gave the impression of a friendly gathering, which deterred the media’s interest.

Nanyeong was well aware that he was being used in a rather humiliating way, but he always responded to Jihoon’s requests. Perhaps he simply wanted to feel needed by someone.

Fortunately, Jihoon’s girlfriend left before it got too late. After dropping her off and heading back, only Jihoon and Nanyeong remained in the car.

As soon as the moment he had been waiting for arrived, Jihoon brought up something shocking.

“Hey, I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

Seeing Jihoon trying to create a serious atmosphere, Nanyeong intentionally replied nonchalantly.

Clearing his throat, Jihoon finally spoke.

“I’m planning to propose after this film shoot is over.”

“……”

“There’ll be news articles about it soon, but you’re the first person I’m telling directly. Congratulate me.”