WHF Ch 38 – Confession

After staring at Yu Tianbai for a while, Xiu Ma realized his gaze was too obvious. He quickly stepped back, wondering what he should do in a moment like this.

So, what exactly should he do in a moment like this?

The factory gate was filled with faint noises—clinking chains, the creak of a latch, people’s voices—all swallowed by the wind. It sounded like someone was rubbing fabric near his ear, making the back of his neck tingle and his face itch.

At that moment, the person in front of him swayed slightly. Xiu Ma’s attention snapped back to reality. Yu Tianbai’s face turned toward the van, and then he walked away without hesitation.

For a fleeting moment, Xiu Ma wanted to reach out and grab him, but it was too late. Yu Tianbai’s footsteps passed by, followed by the sound of a door opening, then closing. Outside the van, there was silence.

Xiu Ma stood still, squinting to feel the northern wind. It stung his eyes, but it wasn’t as cold as it had been just after the lunar new year. This temperature wouldn’t make anyone cry into the wind, and Yu Tianbai wouldn’t either.

Inside the van, Yu Tianbai tossed the sealed bag onto the back seat. He turned up the stereo, closed his eyes, and leaned back in his seat.

His ears were buzzing.

He sat up straight again and lowered the volume. The tracks of his tears felt warm, but his hands were cool, balancing it out to something bearable.

It had been over a year, and he’d grown used to his lack of emotional highs and lows. Or rather, since birth, Yu Tianbai had only ever been comfortable with that lack. The feeling of loving someone—the anxiety, the uncontainable emotions, the constant second-guessing—he’d experienced it before and didn’t want to again. Never again.

He didn’t want it when he was young, and he wanted it even less now that he was older. Nothing had fully matured, yet he was always obsessed with saving face.

He didn’t want to be humbled.

That feeling of his mind being squeezed, words stuck in his throat, unable to come out—he didn’t want it even once more.

A sudden sound of a door opening came from behind, and a spring breeze swept in. Yu Tianbai cracked open his eyes and glanced at the rearview mirror. That blond head ducked into the back seat, picking something up.

He didn’t close his eyes again. He was waiting for Xiu Ma to speak, curious what the kid would say after witnessing all this. Concern or mockery, it didn’t matter—any noise would do. Yu Tianbai just wanted to hear a human voice.

But he didn’t get Xiu Ma’s words. The young man grabbed something, leaned out, and closed the door. The warm air was trapped inside, filling the van with heat. Yu Tianbai’s gaze followed Xiu Ma’s dark jacket until it vanished from the rearview mirror. The sunset’s warm light streamed in, and his eyes started to burn again.

What a mess.

Five minutes later, Yu Tianbai understood why Xiu Ma didn’t want to stay in the van with him. If someone close to him had a sudden emotional outburst, he’d want to vanish on the spot, let alone stick around to comfort them.

Ten minutes later, Yu Tianbai didn’t understand anymore. After all, hadn’t he been there for Xiu Ma through his own emotional wounds back in Songyuan? It wasn’t perfect, but he’d done his duty. He should’ve let him go off on his own back then, been a truly cold, ruthless boss.

But then he recalled Xiu Ma’s silhouette in that small house. No, better not let him go alone—it was too pitiful.

Fifteen minutes later, Yu Tianbai was certain he understood Xiu Ma this time. Before hitting the road, he, the boss, had stressed that “adult business is none of a kid’s concern.” Fine, Xiu Ma really didn’t meddle, or at least didn’t overstep, leaving it to the so-called “adults” present, qualified or not.

Twenty minutes later, Yu Tianbai desperately wanted to ask Xiu Ma, “I told you not to meddle, and you actually listened?”

The sun had almost set, leaving just a sliver. The light in the van turned cool. Yu Tianbai cleared his throat, testing his voice. He slowly rolled down the driver’s side window and stuck his head out.

No one in front of the van, no one beside it, no one behind. He unlocked the doors, stood up, and scanned the surroundings.

The kid wasn’t even waiting outside.

Huh?

Then what was that trip back to the van for?

He ducked back inside, cranked up the heater, and started the engine, releasing the handbrake. This was outside Mudanjiang city, and it was getting dark. In the late spring chill, no taxis would come out here. If the young master got lost, money wouldn’t help. Even if he drove his Ferrari, he might not find his way out.

Trouble, nothing but trouble.

He mentally rehearsed the scolding he’d give when they met, shifted into gear, and was about to hit the gas when the passenger door suddenly opened.

The young master stood outside, locking eyes with his ready-to-bolt boss.

“You planning to run off again?” Xiu Ma asked Yu Tianbai, climbing into the van with ease, as if it were second nature.

Yu Tianbai answered with silence, pulling the handbrake back up.

“Where did you just go—” Before he could finish, something was tossed onto his lap.

It was the butterfly knife.

The one Yu Tianbai wanted but hadn’t gotten back. The air froze for a second. He snapped his head up to look at the other man.

“I followed him and said a few words, and he just gave it to me.” Xiu Ma turned to face Yu Tianbai, his expression calm, then pointed at the knife. “Keep it safe. Don’t let him take it again.”

Xiu Ma brought in a hint of early spring chill, carrying the scent of dust. It smelled good. Yu Tianbai blankly lifted the knife. The blade was cold, heavy, just like when he’d carried it before.

The only difference was that this time, the young master had handed it over himself.

The sun had fully set, and the sky was a deep blue. The weather was clear, stars visible through the window. The van’s lights were off, and the knife almost outshone the stars.

After a long pause, the man in the driver’s seat asked, “He just gave it to you?”

The man on the right turned at the sound, giving a short hum in response.

“Don’t lie to me,” Yu Tianbai said, finally relaxing against the seat, his eyes still on the knife. “You were gone for twenty minutes. It’s not that far to the office unless you scaled the outer wall.”

Xiu Ma paused for a moment.

“He asked what our relationship was.”

The first question had already stumped him. A factory manager was a factory manager, and a young master was a young master.

The smile faded from Yu Tianbai’s face.

“What did you say?” he asked Xiu Ma.

He didn’t want to ask so directly, but his mouth was faster than his brain, not for the first time. The young master’s eyes sparkled—probably the perk of light-colored irises, clear even in the dim light. Yu Tianbai knew Xiu Ma was staring at his face.

“I asked him, ‘Can you tell me what your relationship is?’”

Great question. Yu Tianbai wanted to clap and cheer. “He definitely didn’t answer you.”

But Xiu Ma wasn’t as excited. “So, you two really have no relationship now?”

Yu Tianbai raised a hand, pushing back his tousled hair.

“It’s been over for ages. Can’t you tell?”

The young master’s reply was blunt. “I don’t have experience.”

A sigh turned into a laugh. Yu Tianbai grinned, patting his shoulder. “Let me tell you, once people break up and don’t want to hook up, there’s no feelings left. Any other emotions are just noise. I feel nothing for him. Absolutely nothing.”

He spoke freely, and the young master listened intently, pondering for a moment. “Sun also asked my age.”

“Oh—” Yu Tianbai drew out the sound. “He’s feeling old, isn’t he?”

Indeed. Xiu Ma nodded thoughtfully. “He also asked where I’m from.”

Yu Tianbai was enjoying this, propping his chin. “What’d you say?”

Xiu Ma looked up. “I said as long as I want, my household registration can be anywhere in the country.”

Perfect answer. Yu Tianbai marveled at not noticing Xiu Ma’s comedic talent sooner.

“And you? Didn’t you ask him anything back?”

The unlucky boss hit the nail on the head. Xiu Ma nodded. “I asked if the degree certificate in his cabinet was fake.”

A thunderclap roared over Mudanjiang, surely echoing in Sun Jiu’s mind too. Yu Tianbai remembered the so-called diploma Sun treasured in his cabinet, bought from a shady dealer in the next county for two hundred fifty yuan, ripped off.

As fate would have it, the fake degree was from a prestigious school. And as fate would have it, Xiu Ma was a top graduate from that very school.

The thunderclap rang before him. Yu Tianbai let out a long sigh, tilting his head back. What a show. After savoring Sun Jiu’s imagined expression, he turned to Xiu Ma. “He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”

Not that he’d dare—Xiu Ma’s build could probably swing him like a stick.

“No,” Xiu Ma replied, pausing before continuing. “But he kept staring at me, like I’d cut him off on the road and he was glaring while honking.”

As Xiu Ma said this, his gaze shifted to the side, his eyes blinking slightly. The streetlight’s glow swept across his face, and Yu Tianbai couldn’t help but linger on him a bit longer.

“I’m kind of curious,” Yu Tianbai said, off-topic. “How does someone with a face like yours stay a virgin this long?”

Under the streetlight, amber eyes shifted back. Unlike his usual overreaction to Yu Tianbai’s teasing, Xiu Ma just looked at him quietly, without a word.

Being stared at by that face was a bit unnerving, even for Yu Tianbai. He shifted in his seat, searching for another topic.

“You sure you don’t want to keep the knife?” Yu Tianbai waved the handle at him. Xiu Ma shook his head.

He looked like a good student turning in homework for praise, or maybe a dog—but dogs don’t bring their collars to you. At least, Yu Tianbai had never met one that smart.

“Fine.” He dangled the knife, then tucked it into his jacket’s side pocket.

Watching the knife being stored, Xiu Ma spoke again. “Are you sure you don’t have any feelings for him anymore?”

Yu Tianbai’s hand was still in his pocket. He paused before turning to look at him. Xiu Ma continued, “The way you talked to him was different from your usual self.”

They held each other’s gaze for a moment. Yu Tianbai pulled his hand from his pocket.

“Tell me, how was it different?”

After speaking, he turned fully toward Xiu Ma. Faced with such direct attention, the young master looked away first.

“Not as effortless, compared to when you’re with me.”

“Why are you comparing yourself to him?” Yu Tianbai couldn’t help but laugh. “There’s no comparison. None at all.”

But Xiu Ma’s face stayed serious. Yu Tianbai had never found him this somber.

“It’s my problem, really,” he said, toning down his usual flippancy. “I don’t like being at a disadvantage, but who’s never at one? The more you want something, the less you get it. The more you try to stay composed, the less you are.”

He leaned back, looking out the window. The stars were still bright. Beside him, Xiu Ma spoke slowly. “At least you humiliated him in front of his factory. His workers all saw the concert.”

Yu Tianbai turned to the right. “Since when did you get so good with words?”

He crossed his arms, thought for a moment, then asked, “Did you have fun?”

Xiu Ma pursed his lips and nodded.

Moments like this always made Yu Tianbai think he was surprisingly well-behaved, unexpectedly so.

“Great! As long as you’re happy. You met the guy, got the knife—time to go!” Yu Tianbai slapped the steering wheel, released the handbrake, and said to Xiu Ma, “Don’t follow my example and jump into relationships. They don’t look good on you.”

He reached for the seatbelt, but just before it clicked, a hand stopped him. Amid the engine’s roar, Yu Tianbai turned and met Xiu Ma’s eyes.

The seatbelt snapped back, hitting the door with a clatter.

Xiu Ma used force. Yu Tianbai could smell the lingering outdoor chill on him, and he was sure Xiu Ma could smell the minty cigarette scent on himself.

“But I don’t care if I don’t look good,” Xiu Ma said, slowing his tone, his gaze earnest. “No matter how bad it looks, I don’t care.”