WYK 66

Relationships. What’s so difficult about that? Actually, even without Da-jeong’s introduction, dating wouldn’t be hard. Couldn’t he just date one of the girls who’d confessed to him? While thinking this and sitting quietly, Da-jeong flopped down on the sofa beside him.

“Hey. Don’t date, okay?”

“Why?”

“With a lover, you need to keep in touch often and be attentive. Can you do that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Contact after school ends, after tutoring, talk before bed – can you do all that?”

“Why do I have to do that?”

“…Because that’s what having a lover means.”

He imagined briefly. Meeting someone unfamiliar, keeping in contact, holding hands, studying together. It seemed quite bothersome. Then he imagined something else. What if Seo Jeong-yoon were his lover?

That seemed fine. No, it seemed good.

He wished Jeong-yoon were his lover. Yes. That would be really nice.

Then he could officially ask about his whereabouts, right? Where he is now, what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. What time he goes to bed, what he’s eating now, and so on. Being able to know such trivial and extremely private details of daily life.

Chae-heon imagined bringing Jeong-yoon to his house, feeding him good food, and studying together. It seemed it would be happy and nice.

And when the study is over, he would keep him locked up. So that only he could see that kind and gentle face. So that no one could realize how clear and radiant Jeong-yoon’s smiling face was.

Binding him like that, confining him, tying him up tight to keep him only by his side, and then…

His lips curled up slightly in satisfaction before dropping again.

‘I really think I should get a girlfriend.’

His head became complicated. He seemed a little crazy after all. He had to stop before it became a crime. He felt a slight sense of crisis, so he said it one more time.

“Yu Da-jeong. Introduce me to someone who’s had lots of boyfriends.”

He figured someone who understood relationships better than his ignorant self would be good.

Da-jeong severely furrowed her brows as if she’d heard something unspeakable.

“Ah, no. Stop talking.”

“I’ll try my best.”

“I’m telling you, you can’t, crazy.”

At those words, his aunt slapped Da-jeong’s back. For using crude words and grumbling at Chae-heon.

“Yu Da-jeong! Why are you like that to Chae-heon? Our Chae-heon is handsome, tall, studies well, why!”

“Ah, my friend won’t work!”

“What’s lacking in our Chae-heon!”

“Is he your son? Why do you only take his side?! My friend won’t work, why don’t Mom introduce one of your friends!”

When Da-jeong shouted, her mother slapped her back once more.

“This girl has no filter! What do you mean introduce my friend. Watch your mouth! Huh?”

“Ah! That hurts!”

Da-jeong scratched her stinging back with an irritated face. At that moment, Chae-heon raised his head and inserted his words into the noisy argument between mother and daughter:

“Auntie. I’m fine with your friends too.”

“…”

“…”

Deep silence fell over the table. His aunt and Da-jeong stared blankly at Chae-heon with the same expression. But Chae-heon just raised his usual kind smile and emphasized again.

“As long as it’s not legally problematic, I don’t mind anyone, so please introduce me.”

Of course, Chae-heon was serious. If it was about finding someone to date as a breakthrough, unless it was Seo Jeong-yoon, he didn’t care whether it was a teenage peer or his aunt’s friend thirty years older than him. Really.

His aunt stayed silent for a long time, unsure if Chae-heon’s words were a joke or serious, and Da-jeong muttered alone,

“This crazy bastard…”

In the end, he wasn’t introduced to any of his aunt’s friends.

***

He thought he was suppressing his rising impulses and desires well, but his rationality snapped during the school trip. When given the choice between Singapore and Jeju Island for the trip destination, Chae-heon actually didn’t care where they went.

He created a non-existent bulletin board and asked Jeong-yoon in advance.

“Which do you prefer, Singapore or Jeju?”

“I prefer Jeju.”

Chae-heon nodded while pretending to write something down. That was the moment his school trip destination was decided.

***

When the school trip day came, they went to Jeju. The sky was clear, and so was Jeong-yoon’s face. Jeong-yoon, at the end of Chae-heon’s gaze, was always pure and beautiful like an autumn sky without a single cloud.

During some free time at their first tourist spot, Seopjikoji, Chae-heon who was looking at the itinerary alone suddenly looked up. Not too far away, there was Jeong-yoon amidst the endless blue sea and brightly blooming white clouds.

Chae-heon stared at Jeong-yoon while clutching the itinerary paper. These days, unless he deliberately tried to look away, it was hard to take his eyes off him. Jeong-yoon lowered his head while brushing away his hair that was tangling wildly in the strong wind.

Chae-heon secretly looked around and raised his camera toward him. He wanted to somehow keep forever the clear image of him that was now etched in his mind.

Click. After taking Jeong-yoon’s photo, he smiled self-deprecatingly. He felt a bit of self-loathing, but it was momentary, and soon he felt satisfied that he could at least have him in a photo.

That was the beginning. The day he started secretly taking pictures of Jeong-yoon, who became more lovable with each passing day, to remember him.

***

That night, one of his roommates pulled out some liquor. Though he didn’t particularly want to drink, he lost at rock-paper-scissors and had no choice but to have a couple of drinks. He had never tried alcohol before, simply because he didn’t like the taste enough to want it.

Perhaps that’s why. The hot liquid going down his throat made his insides burn. His head hurt slightly too. Worried he might actually get drunk, he told them he was out and just watched the others.

Red ears and necks. Faces talking loudly. The sight of kids foolishly giggling didn’t look very appealing.

Thinking it was too noisy, he was about to go to sleep when kids from the next room rushed in. They were Jeong-yoon’s roommates. Jeong-yoon wasn’t with them.

“Where’s Jeong-yoon?”

“He’s drunk and sleeping.”

“Drunk? Did you make him drink?”

“We didn’t make him do anything. He drank on his own.”

“Why did you leave him alone when he’s drunk? That’s dangerous.”

“He said he was going to sleep… Class president, are you angry? Should we bring Seo Jeong-yoon here?”

He didn’t know why he was so angry at the roommate who was carefully watching his reaction. He didn’t know why he was so worried about Jeong-yoon drinking and sleeping alone. And he found himself ridiculous for treating an eighteen-year-old boy like he was eight, anxiously pacing around.

With a stern face, he got up and went straight to the next room. There was Jeong-yoon, sitting alone by the window in the empty room. Though they said he was lying down sleeping, he must have gotten up at some point – only the messy bedding remained scattered about.

The soft streetlight cast shadows on Jeong-yoon’s fair face.

“……”

While he had found the others’ reddened necks disgusting, he wanted to reach out and touch Jeong-yoon’s flushed cheeks. He even wanted to lick the collarbone slightly visible and reddened beneath the white shirt.

With a troubled face, he ran his hands through his hair and picked up the blanket from the floor to cover Jeong-yoon. He was slightly worried about him catching a cold from the cool air coming through the window.

Then he cleaned up the scattered snack bags and disposed of the soggy paper cups. He swept up the crumbs scattered on the floor. He didn’t want Jeong-yoon rolling around in them while sleeping. He straightened out the wrinkled bedding too. Then, as he was about to lay Jeong-yoon down on the clean bedding and looked up…

Under the softly diffused moonlight, Jeong-yoon was smiling at him.

In that moment, his heart dropped deep inside.

In the dim room, only he was shining. Whether it was because he was drunk or something was wrong with his head, Chae-heon couldn’t take his eyes off the fine eyelashes casting shadows under his eyes, his flushed face, his slightly loose smile, and his elegantly curved lips.

***

When he came to his senses, he found himself sitting shoulder to shoulder with Jeong-yoon, listening to music together.

Sharing the same melody through shared earphones, Chae-heon could only stare ahead, feeling like his heart might burst.

The cool air of the deep night and Jeong-yoon’s slightly husky voice. The nocturne flowing from the single earphone. Those strange elements wrapped around him lazily in the distant darkness.

Jeong-yoon’s body heat against his shoulder was warm. The hot, soft arms that had wrapped around his neck in his dreams were now barely touching him. The body that had clung to him was right beside him. He lowered his head slightly. The dim streetlight settled gently over Jeong-yoon’s face.

He closed his eyes with a quiet sigh. Perhaps due to the alcohol, his head hurt and his heart was confused.

When he could no longer contain himself, he stood up. Jeong-yoon, who had fallen asleep at some point, swayed suddenly. Without thinking, he embraced and supported Jeong-yoon as he was about to fall. While doing so, he forcefully swallowed his rising breath. The warm body in his arms and the skin touching his palms were exactly like the Jeong-yoon in his dreams, making it hard to breathe.

“…If you’re sleepy, lie down and sleep.”

He carefully laid Jeong-yoon down. He wanted to grab Jeong-yoon’s disheveled chin and kiss him. He wanted to lick from head to toe, bite, and stir him up. He wanted to grab the body before him and push against it roughly.

But because he couldn’t do that, because he shouldn’t do that, his movements became even slower as he tried to control himself.

He needed to leave this place quickly. He needed to go out and cool himself in the cold night air, release the dirty impulses rising inside him. But as he was about to get up after laying him down, Jeong-yoon’s hot hand wrapped around his arm.

Jeong-yoon, who had grabbed his arm as if telling him not to go, smiled as he slowly closed his slightly opened eyes. That was the moment when his carefully maintained rationality snapped completely.

Chae-heon rushed at him desperately.

He licked Jeong-yoon’s lips and pushed his tongue through the gap to wrap around the hot flesh. He caught the fleeing tongue, persistently sucked it, and thrust his own tongue deep inside to stir his mouth.

He felt like he was going crazy because kissing wasn’t enough. Every time he swallowed Jeong-yoon’s escaping breath, every time he caressed his face and stroked his neck, satisfaction welled up until his head felt dizzy.

Yes. This was always what he wanted. He wanted to see Seo Jeong-yoon lying beneath him. He wanted to grab that soft body and feel its warm temperature with his entire body. He wanted to strip him completely naked and densely imprint his marks all over his body.

The impulses boiling inside him were so base and vulgar. It was ridiculous to excuse it as the effects of alcohol. Because even when he was sober, his thoughts weren’t much different from now.

He caught Jeong-yoon’s hand as it reached for his chest and forcefully intertwined their fingers.

He knew this was the wrong way to express his desires. But he absolutely couldn’t stop. He wanted to be closer than anyone else and possess him more than anything else. This boy named Seo Jeong-yoon who was now kissing him.

Unresolvable impulses directed at a single person. It was the moment when emotions of obsession and possessiveness he had never felt in his life clearly surfaced.

And after that day. It seems he was a bit desperate and struggling because he couldn’t have Seo Jeong-yoon alone.

***

He remembers what he said to his mother once. He had said quietly to his mother’s profile, who was staring blankly at the front door, longing for his father who wasn’t coming.

‘I don’t want to live like you, mom.’

To which his mother smiled faintly and replied,

‘But Chae-heon, you’re my son.’

At that answer, Chae-heon shook his head alone.

No. He would never live like his mother. Struggling while yearning for someone who would never come. Hurting over unreachable love and writhing in longing. It all just seemed foolish and pathetic. How could he repeat his mother’s foolish behavior?

But perhaps blood cannot be denied.

As if his mother’s words were a curse, he always circled around Jeong-yoon. His behavior of orbiting around Jeong-yoon eerily resembled his mother’s crying while chasing his father’s traces.

While circling like that, he wanted to do anything for him, but Jeong-yoon always shook his head.

It felt like withering away, wanting to reach but unable to touch. That’s why his throat was always dry.

***

One day while living like that, Jeong-yoon said it. That he admired him. That night when he pulled Jeong-yoon into bed, mistaking him for a dream while drunk. When he asked why he didn’t push him away, Jeong-yoon answered it was admiration.

It was a moment when a glimmer of hope appeared.

Yes. Admiration.

Anything would be fine as long as he could stay by his side. Admiration would be fine, pity would be fine, sympathy would be fine too. Even if he shared just a bit of feeling like giving alms to a beggar, he could accept it ecstatically while prostrating himself to kiss his feet. His love was that desperate and destitute.

Though Jeong-yoon would push him away when he thought he got close, distance himself when he thought they had touched. Though Jeong-yoon would run far away only to suddenly come close and shake him roughly, he always dreamed of being together with him even while staggering from his unpredictable inner feelings.

Before him suffering from thirst, Jeong-yoon dropped water one drop at a time. And as he knelt and licked it up, following him like a religion,

“Chae-heon. I like you. Maybe, it might even be love.”

Finally, he could embrace Seo Jeong-yoon standing at the end of the road.

The one he always wanted to have and could only circle around. The one he always missed even when together. Seo Jeong-yoon who filled his entire world, and whom he loved with all his heart.

He cried and laughed in his heart while holding his hand. The world felt like it was his. It was the moment when the eternally dry desert bloomed full of flowers named Seo Jeong-yoon.