YHP 59

His heart felt like it was being torn apart. It hurt so much that he wondered if there could be such pain in the world again, and if he could, he wanted to cut out his entire chest right now.

How much pain must someone who stubbornly refused to go to the hospital even when struggling to breathe have endured to be hospitalized?

And yet, the first thing he said upon seeing his face was that he was sorry for not keeping his promise. So pitifully gentle, apologizing for just that trivial thing.

The fact that he looked for his phone first when he regained consciousness was probably because of me too. What was so important about that damn promise that he couldn’t even rest comfortably because it weighed on his mind?

“…I’m sorry.”

“For what.”

Unable to even think about stopping the tears that kept falling, Ho-jin gently stroked the back of Jeong-in’s hand with his thumb.

“You even called me, but I didn’t know you were sick.”

Why didn’t I know? How could I have been so completely oblivious?

The time Jeong-in was hospitalized coincided exactly with when his phone call with Ho-jin ended. Judging by the fact that he fainted during the call, that was probably Jeong-in’s last cry for help.

He felt like dying from how pathetic he was for looking at cafe photos so carefreely while having no idea that Jeong-in was struggling between life and death.

“…Hyung.”

He was so upset. But what really made Ho-jin despair was the fact that there was no guarantee this wouldn’t happen again next time.

Today would somehow pass, but someday Jeong-in would be in pain again. And this person, who was stubborn about enduring pain, would probably try to bear it all alone next time too.

“Please use my body.”

Ho-jin spoke with a devastated heart.

Jeong-in just looked at Ho-jin without saying anything.

“You’re R1 type, right? I saw when I gave you suppressants last time.”

“……”

“I’m R1 type too. And I’m dominant.”

He slowly calmed his trembling breath. He roughly wiped his soaked face.

“Even if hyung isn’t dominant, they say my pheromones can cover it.”

“……”

“Then for a while, even when I’m not by your side… you won’t hurt this much.”

Maybe this would end everything.

“Even if you use me for just one night and throw me away forever, I don’t care. I won’t pressure you, so please think about it seriously.”

If we become awkward like this.

The spring flowers I was looking forward to, tomorrow’s weather. They might all become nothing now.

But it can’t be helped.

“…I won’t care about anything else, so…”

If only you wouldn’t suffer alone for even one day.

If there was even a small possibility, he had to bet everything on it.

“Please… just don’t suffer alone.”

The dam that had filled to its limit finally burst again. Crying loudly while forgetting his embarrassment, Ho-jin buried his forehead against the back of Jeong-in’s hand.

***

After Ho-jin, who had been crying for a while, withdrew, it was dark again.

‘Please use my body.’

He probably meant let’s have sex.

He could tell it wasn’t a proposal made to satisfy sexual desires. There was no room for other intentions in words spoken while crying so sorrowfully. Ho-jin seemed to genuinely want Jeong-in to get better with pure sincerity. It was truly a grateful sentiment.

But honestly speaking, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“……”

It was on a completely different level from when he was imagining a light kiss. It was such an absurd story that this time he felt no sense of reality at all. Jeong-in, who had been fiddling with the edge of the bed sheet, suddenly picked up his phone. After staring blankly at the empty screen, he opened the internet.

When he typed “sex” in the search bar and pressed enter, a message appeared asking for adult verification.

“What…”

After diligently entering his number, it asked him to select a carrier. So he selected the carrier as instructed, and this time it said he needed to receive a verification number. Still, he persistently completed the adult verification and searched once more. Pages organizing the concept of sex appeared in droves. The world’s number one search engine was even kindly suggesting the word “sexual intercourse,” asking if this was what he was looking for.

“Hmm.”

Sex robots, concerns of couples about to have their first sex, the correlation between sex and dating… No matter how much he scrolled down, there was no end in sight.

Do people usually have this much interest in sex, or is it just Koreans who are particularly like this? Just in case, he tried searching in English too. It wasn’t much different from the Korean search results. All sorts of posts on the topic of sex poured out.

Jeong-in clicked on one of the links. <15 Health Benefits of Sex>, an article about sex and health. Immune system and blood pressure, stress and heart disease. It even claimed to lower cancer incidence rates, with the author praising sex as if it were a panacea.

“…If that were really true, everyone would be crazy about sex.”

He scrolled down with a sneer. But suddenly a new tab appeared and some video popped up.

[Ah, hng, haang… Ahng!]

Sharp moaning sounds filled the hospital room.

“Ugh…”

The flesh-colored screen was so disgusting he couldn’t look at it properly. Just as his stomach was about to turn, the hospital room door suddenly burst open.

“Jeong-in. Your uncle is coming now, for dinner…”

[Ang! Ang! Ang!]

“…Ah.”

Won-kyung, who had stopped at the doorway for a moment, backed out of the hospital room as if doing the moonwalk.

“Dad!”

Jeong-in immediately jumped up from his spot and came outside, dragging his IV. Won-kyung, who had already moved to the end of the corridor at an amazing speed, glanced back at Jeong-in’s call.

“Oh, really.”

Even if things get tangled up, how can they get this tangled? Jeong-in struggled to approach him.

“What just happened, Dad, it’s absolutely not what you’re thinking. I pressed something wrong, you know? I was searching in English and suddenly the screen changed.”

“Okay.”

“…It really was just pressed by mistake, okay? I wasn’t trying to watch it.”

“Right.”

It didn’t seem to be working at all. Feeling so wronged, Jeong-in started arguing while puffing out steam like a boiling kettle.

“Dad, that’s too much! Why won’t you believe what I’m saying?!”

“…I believe you. How could Dad not believe our son?”

Won-kyung smiled and patted Jeong-in’s head. Then Jeong-in’s mood settled down as if cold water had been poured on him.

“Anyway, your uncle is coming now, is there anything you want to eat?”

“No, I’ll eat later when I get hungry. You and Dad eat first, and…”

He lowered his gaze to Won-kyung’s feet and apologized.

“…I’m sorry for yelling earlier.”

“Hahaha.”

Won-kyung laughed quietly and cupped Jeong-in’s cheeks with both hands. He kissed his forehead with a smacking sound.

“My good boy.”

In front of those eyes that seemed to find him adorable to death, at that tender voice.

He felt so sorry. Jeong-in awkwardly turned his head away.

“Call me if you want to eat something. Got it?”

“Yeah.”

Won-kyung turned around after patting Jeong-in’s cheek until the end. Jeong-in stood there for a while, gripping the IV stand and watching Won-kyung’s back.

“……”

I am a coward.

I’m not brave enough to tear up today that’s rolling along fine and face old wounds. So, even after causing such a big wound, I haven’t apologized even once to this day.

I’m covering it up pretending not to know for my own comfort. I know that the longer time passes, the harder it will become to apologize. But today too, I couldn’t say anything in the end.

I can’t delay any longer. I clearly know that while I hesitate, Dad’s wound has sunk to a very deep place.

Even though everyone carefully tended to my wounds, no one would have ever comforted Dad’s wounds.

…And yet Dad loves terrible me so much.

“Hyung.”

That’s when it happened. A familiar voice came from behind.

When he turned around, Ho-jin was standing there.

“Didn’t you go home?”

“No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t do it, so I came back.”

His eyes were swollen bright red.

“…If I left like this, I felt like hyung would blame himself alone again.”

He approached Jeong-in as if it were natural and took hold of the IV stand.

“Let’s go in first.”

He entered the hospital room following the hand pushing his back. After confirming that Jeong-in lay down on the bed, Ho-jin sighed deeply as if the ground would cave in and sat down on the chair. Then he asked.

“Hyung, do you know what a Tamagotchi is?”

“What’s that?”

“…I thought you probably wouldn’t know. Seoul people don’t know it well.”

Ho-jin smiled, folding his eyes that were swollen like an alien’s.

“It’s a toy that was really popular a long time ago. The countryside has so many old stationery stores and they don’t remove old items, so they still sell those… I also played raising those with friends when I was young.”

“……”

“It’s a toy about this size… Animals live inside it. Not real animals, but black and white drawings.”

He said that while drawing a small circle on Jeong-in’s palm.

“When they get hungry, a food picture appears, and when they poop, a poop picture also appears. But sometimes the ones inside get sick. Then a hospital-shaped picture appears in the corner of the screen.”

The spot where his neat fingernail scratched felt ticklish.

“…Hyung is in that state right now.”

Ho-jin continued calmly.

“Somehow today you’re carrying around a hospital-shaped picture.”

Following the shape Ho-jin had drawn, it felt like his heart was pounding in his hand. Jeong-in clenched his palm tightly.

“No one hates a Tamagotchi character for being sick. If someone does, that person is bad, the Tamagotchi is innocent.”

After saying that much, Ho-jin paused for a moment.

“It’s the same with hyung. Hyung being sick is neither wrong nor something to be sorry about.”

The voice that continued was a bit softer.

“I cried not because hyung was sick… but because I was so sorry and upset that I didn’t notice hyung was sick quickly and couldn’t do anything for you.”

It sounded like he was throwing a cute tantrum, saying he was this upset, please understand my feelings.

Jeong-in fidgeted and gripped the blanket.

“…How could you know when I didn’t say anything?”

“……”

“It’s not something for you to be sorry about either.”

What a strange kid.

Sometimes he seems like an adult, but then immediately becomes childlike like this.

“…Since hyung says so, I’ll try to think that way from now on.”

Ho-jin answered in a sulky voice and buried his face in the bed. He buried his face deep in the edge of the blanket and mumbled.

“But hyung also has to think the way I say from now on.”

“…Yeah.”

Ho-jin lifted only his eyes to look at Jeong-in.

“Then repeat after me. Choi Jeong-in did nothing wrong.”

“…What?”

“Hurry up, I won’t move a single step from here until you say the same thing.”

His stubbornly persistent nagging made him chuckle. Jeong-in gave in and repeated his words.

“Choi Jeong-in did nothing wrong.”

Somehow it felt awkward, so he said it once more.

“…Choi Jeong-in did nothing wrong.”